I dumped her, want her back, she acted interested but doesn't want it?

[boltnrun]

How could she have a connection after 1 date. We dated for 4 months, went for weekends away together, all sorts, surely that connection is stronger?

 

She is the woman for me, I just made a mistake!

 

But she has to agree that you're the one for her. Currently she does not. No tactics or following some "dating coach" advice can force her to decide to date you again. People have free will and make their own decisions. You cannot make her change her mind.

[Entropy79]

But she has to agree that you're the one for her. Currently she does not. No tactics or following some "dating coach" advice can force her to decide to date you again. People have free will and make their own decisions. You cannot make her change her mind.

 

I agree! I wasn't trying or planning on trying to get her to change her mind. I posted here to try to understand more without contacting her, to get some perspective and try to understand her point of view. Why she was being very affectionate? Why she said she wasn't seeing anyone? Why she them chose a guy she had been on 1 date with over me who she has a bond and connection with?

 

I am just trying to understand. I am not going to try and persuade her. That was never my intention.

[boltnrun]

I agree! I wasn't trying or planning on trying to get her to change her mind. I posted here to try to understand more without contacting her, to get some perspective and try to understand her point of view. Why she was being very affectionate? Why she said she wasn't seeing anyone? Why she them chose a guy she had been on 1 date with over me who she has a bond and connection with?

 

I am just trying to understand. I am not going to try and persuade her. That was never my intention.

 

That's good. I'm glad you're not going to try some lame tactics some "dating coach" recommends and/or charges money for.

 

She may have been affectionate because she does like you, after all. She wouldn't have dated you if she didn't. She knows you're a good person, so why be cold or standoffish? And one time one of my exes asked me if I was dating "S". I said "no" even though I was, because I felt it wasn't really appropriate to discuss my dating life with an ex. I wanted to keep it private, plus I'd only been dating "S" for a short time so it wasn't a relationship yet. And perhaps after dating you a few times she just realized it wasn't the right fit for her. And she feels like maybe this other man might be the right fit and she wants to continue to see how things work out.

 

It probably isn't that complex. Unfortunately, not everyone we date and have feelings for is going to feel the same way.

[shessofly]

The relationship was short lived and you spent a good portion of it annoyed with her and then dumped her. She then tried to get you back and got rejected, and then went silent for 2 months. That's a reasonable amount of time to get over a 4 month relationship.

 

This bond you speak of is your opinion/feeling, not hers (anymore), which you were willing to give up a few months ago, so really it wasn't all that strong.

 

She has chosen to take her chances with the new guy who she does not have a rocky history with, who has not (as far as you know) been annoyed with her (yet) and is giving her butterflies. There's little security in going back to someone who dumped you. The likelihood of being dumped again is high.

 

As to why all the affection, maybe she felt sorry for you, as showing up unannounced even though she never responded to your letter caught her off guard, or made you appear fragile/desperate in her eyes. Maybe she remembered how she felt after you dropped her and then refused her attempts to get you back, and was empathetic to what you were going through. Who knows...

 

What you do know is she has chosen to keep whatever you had in the past and try with the new guy. All the internet can do is speculate, and you are hoping that someone will give you a more favorable opinion about the situation (my guess). You said she is moody so is it really all that surprising that she acted one way in the moment and then said "no thanks" the next day?

 

She has the same personality that annoyed you so much that you dumped her a few months ago. Keep that in mind. This may be a case of wanting what you can't have.

[cedricz]

I agree! I wasn't trying or planning on trying to get her to change her mind. I posted here to try to understand more without contacting her, to get some perspective and try to understand her point of view. Why she was being very affectionate? Why she said she wasn't seeing anyone? Why she them chose a guy she had been on 1 date with over me who she has a bond and connection with?

 

I am just trying to understand. I am not going to try and persuade her. That was never my intention.

 

 

4 months is like...nothing

You barely know the person after such a short time. It was mostly honeymoon. And the bound may not be that strong on her side. it takes a long time to create a meaningful connection; probably much more than 4 months

 

I just got out of a 2 years relationship and i have the feeling i don't know her; After the breakup, you sometime find out that some people show a really different face.

This time i was really shocked. Not sure if it is their real personality showing up or just some kind of irrational temporary ressentment / cruelty, but it really makes you wonder if you can really know someone even after a couple of years

 

You shouldn't bother thinking about what she says but rather about her actions; just let her go and she will probably hit you up later when she makes her mind

Anything you'll try will just push her further away

[Entropy79]

Well, it has been almost 7 weeks of no contact, since I last spoke with her, since the night I thought we were back together.

 

I have been optimistically thinking that she might be in some kind of rebound relationship, and when it ends I might hear from her.

 

I have just seen a picture of her with her new boyfriend, and it has crushed me!!

 

I think they have been dating for about 2 months.

 

She told me she loved me and went on about how much she liked me, but after 4 months never posted a profile picture of me and her together. Now she is posting her new boyfriend after 2 months or less. I don't know what that means, but it sucks!

 

I am still struggling to understand and come to terms with her choosing him at that time, when we had much more history, and she had begged me for another chance. I still can't quite figure this out.

 

Seeing her with him, and imagining them doing all the things we used to do together, is killing me!

 

I still hope one day she might get in touch, but I know I need to move on too.

 

It still sucks though!!

[boltnrun]

Sorry about that, but not surprising.

 

What good would her getting in touch do? So she can lie to you and use you again? Nope, no way.

 

Now it's time to go no contact for real. No more social media viewing and make sure you don't ask mutual friends for info.

 

ETA I just reread and realized you dumped her, then changed your mind. So, again, not surprising. Given how her attitude annoyed you, it never would have worked.

[lavendercow]

wow. i'm going through a breakup right now and i wish my ex bf had the same mindset as you. we broke up for similar reasons but we've been dating for 2 years compared to your 4 months. he basically got tired of my "insecurities, starting petty fights, etc." like your ex and said he didn't see me in his future but we too had a loving relationship and only up until the last few weeks was the relationship rocky. i was torn and like your ex, begged and chased. And like you, my ex bf got pushed further away and went cold on me. i only begged on the day of, waited a week to give him space and tried to reach out to get through to him but it was like he was a different person and i gave up and went NC.

 

from your ex's perspective, i think she really wanted to try it out with you and if your relationship was good, why would she want to give up during the breakup? but you turning her away crushed her. and trying to beg for you back for 6 weeks took a lot of her energy and dignity and if she got back with you, she's probably afraid you'd do it again. i think the reason why she was touchy towards you was because you guys used to have something. the week after the breakup when i went to go see my ex to talk to him, he was cold but he hugged me too but that didn't mean he wanted to get back with me. i think your ex didn't want to hurt you but she did at some point have really great feelings for you and for you to drive 2 hours to her, she wouldn't have the heart to turn you away. and the pain you're going through right now, she went through for those 2 months. why do you think she begged for 6 weeks? and since she kept trying but you wouldn't budge (but that's understandable cause it pushed you away and that's only human nature to feel), she probably felt like it was over and was on the process of moving on, to which she found that guy. i'm not sure what she feels now, but the new guy COULD be a rebound (don't wanna send you false hopes) since it was after your guys' relationship. but you've done your part and if her relationship falls apart, she could try to remember you and reach out to you again.

 

also, i'd like to know how did you realize you wanted her back? i'm curious as to what my ex is thinking now since i'm in 7 weeks of NC, 8 weeks since the breakup. I'm not sure if he'd reach out to me :/ my ex is also stubborn so i'm not sure if you were as stubborn as him. i'd like to wish that he was feeling what you did and wanted me back.

[RayRay63]

 

I responded that I understand, I hope she is happy, I won't contact her again and to get in touch if she changes her mind.

 

 

You dumped her, she was hurt. She took the power back when you reached out. Now you are hurting.

 

Your quoted message was the best thing to say really.

 

I suggest you stick to what you said, and use the time you now have to improve yourself.

 

That way if she gets curious in a few months and gives you a look over, she'll see the improvements.