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He just disappeared


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Ive been deting with this guy since janury. But we could only meet once a week because we both work and live in different cities... during the 3 month we had never had sex, because i told him due to my past traumas i want to take it slow. I always stayed overnight at his apartment and he was so romantic so gentle, when we were apart during the week days, he texted me a low. He sometimes could disappear due to his work, but then suddenly at night would always text me good night. Finally, 2 weeks ago i decided it is time to take further step... after the night (it was sunday) the next morning i was leaving for my city and he was leaving for a business trip. The taxi was waiting for him, we went outside and he again hugged and kissed me, and right after we said goodbyes, one minute later i got even a message from him “hurry, pls hurry don’t miss your train”... that day we were still texting each other... and then he disappeared... all the week i was texting him and he would tell “honey sorry i am working”. He is an auditor and he sometimes did it before too when he was too busy... so i had no doubts everything is okay... and i knew it was the last 2 weeks of his project... same week on friday he went to another business trip, and again when i texted him the answer was the same “ i have to work” and also “hello from paris” ... i simply didnt continues texting him... so it has been a week since then and overall 2 Weeks after the night we had... i just don’t understand what it means? Because the first 3 months everything was so romantic, so nice... he took me out for dates, he agreed to take it slow, never said a word about sex... he was so patient, so gentle... i thought this was the right man for me ...

I don’t know whether should i text him again? Simply like “hi how are you” or is it a sign that he just wanted sex? And now i just have to take it as it is, and never text him... or maybe he just got offended because i ignored his “hello from paris”... ot maybe he got a bit “scared” eith my messages that i sent him, containing messages “have you forgot me?” “Are you ignoring me?”

i am so much depressed and very confused... i don’t really know how to act now...

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I thought of it too(( But there is one thing i don’t understand... he checks my instagram stories on everyday basis... he is always the first one to view them.... why? Why is he interested in that... if i want to dump a person i would never be interested in that person’a personal life, instagram, fb and other social media.

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He sounds like a jerk. It's a lot of time and work to put in, if he was only interested in sex, but maybe it was the thrill of the chase. He's "busy," and people who are that busy all the time can be problematic, and you have distance issues on top of it. I don't know what these guys are thinking. I've had this happen too, and it hurts a great deal. You think everything is going well and it seems mutual and then they're gone, too busy. All you can do is move on.

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Nothing wrong with holding off on sex, but when you're speaking to men of past traumas for that reason and wanting to take things slow, you should be in therapy to resolve that past. Watch Iyanla Fix My Life. She actually makes people with useless baggage carry around several pieces of luggage that weigh fifty pounds everywhere they go, from room to room. Aren't you tired? And why should a new man pay the price for what other men have done? As you can see, taking things slow didn't guarantee relationship success.


Since you haven't worked on yourself, you probably aren't capable of seeing the red flags in a man to avoid the high risk ones. Do you have a pattern of choosing the same type of man over and over? We subconsciously choose who we think is worthy of us, and if we don't think much of ourselves, we will choose an inappropriate man.


My way of thinking is if a person can't take dating at a normal pace, then they shouldn't be dating. Work on yourself and try to achieve a happy life solo before attempting to date again. If you have to ask a man if he's ignoring you instead of saying to yourself, "I'm worthy of someone who pays attention to me, so he's outta here," then yes, you definitely need self-esteem work. Take care.

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I'm sorry, but it sounds like he was after the sex. I know, it's crazy to think that a man would set you up for months just to have sex with you. But men like that do exist.


I thought of it too(( But there is one thing i don’t understand... he checks my instagram stories on everyday basis... he is always the first one to view them.... why? Why is he interested in that... if i want to dump a person i would never be interested in that person’a personal life, instagram, fb and other social media.


Checking an instagram story is a click of a button. It doesn't show love or even caring. Don't put too much meaning in things like that.

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You mentioned what I'm assuming is sexual trauma. Was it emotionally charged in any way after you did have sex with him? While not outside the realm of possibility, months of proper dates and not actually bringing up sex is quite an effort if that's what he really wanted, so I'm not so sure we're looking at that here.


Did you respond to his Paris text? What were you texting him when you were texting him? My hunch is telling me the devil is in the details elsewhere.

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Agree with Mr. j.man.


I don't think he was just after sex. I think it was your behavior *after* the sex that turned him off. Or, the sex itself may have been disappointing for him.


Impossible to know for sure, but I think there is more to this than him "just" wanting sex.


I am also wondering what you were expecting, cause you were texting him **way** too much!


He told you he was working for heaven's sake, so leave it and wait for him to respond back. Give him a chance to think about you, think about your night together, and miss you!


You said he would "disappear" due to work but then "suddenly" at night he would text you?


What's your definition of "disappear"? Not texting during the day cause he's busy at work? But he texts you after work when his day winds down?


Sounds perfectly legit to me, again wondering what you were expecting?


And then the context of your texts -- "have you forgotten me"? "Are you ignoring me"?


Sorry, but I literally cringed.


What were you hoping to accomplish by sending him all that? Did you think asking him those questions would draw him closer to you?


No, it pushed him away, and sure he may have gotten "scared" - scared that your expectations, neediness and insecurities would overwhelm him, but mostly he was probably just turned off.


I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, but contrary to popular opinion, when a man cools off after sex, it's not "always" because he was "just" after sex. How a woman behaves "afterwards" plays a very important role in what's to follow.


Learn and understand the "dance of intimacy" -- let a man "breathe" a little bit, you pushed a bit too hard, and it appears in this case, you pushed him out.


That said, since he's still checking your Instagram stories, it's possible if you leave him alone, no texts, no calls, nothing, you may hear from him.


When you do, be chill!! Stop with all the accusatory questions -- why were you ignoring me? Did I do something wrong? I thought you had forgotten me!


I understand you're anxious and insecure, that's not uncommon. What's important is that you contain those anxieties within yourself, learn to deal. And not burden him, or any man, with those anxieties/insecurities, especially in these early stages and "especially" immediately after sex!


Re your earlier sexual trauma, have you sought help for that? I hope so, cause if not, that prior trauma will seep in to all your future relationships, negatively impacting them. Which may be part of what happened here too.


Anyway, nuff said from me, hope this didn't sound too preachy; I've been where you are and have since learned!


So know better now, good luck moving forward!! :)

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OPer hard to say if it was the chicken or the egg here. Was it just a conquest thing or did you kinda freak out after sex?


I dont have past sexual trauma, so I cant fully relate but I do know that feeling of uneasiness when sleeping with someone too soon. Its not a feeling I like at all so I no longer do it. Again its hard to say if you had a bad feeling and your intuition was right or your insecurities kinda created a self fulfilling prophecy. He was leaving so I kinda wonder if deep down it was that. I think your best bet going forward may be to wait until youre in a committed relationship. There are plenty of men who will understand. You gotta watch out for you first and foremost.

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