Should I get back together?

[Red88]

So me and my ex were together for 5 years and had 3 kids. It ended about 6 months ago because I was an a**hole and was always stressed out ( job, money, etc.) As of about a month ago things have kinda leveled out. I guess she was not perfect (nobody is) but she had little to do with the break-up in my eyes. I saw a Dr., got diagnosed with bi-polar, received meds, and now things between us have “leveled out”.

 

I live 7hrs away due to work. She has visited and I have visited my kids and her, me and my ex have sex, hang with kids, she stays the night when here and I stay the night when there, etc. Things are different and I don’t foresee them changing.

 

But a short while after the break up she started to talk to another guy. Told me she was into him, my toddler daughter liked him, etc. Not sure what the truth is though? We had been playing mind games and I don’t know what went on. She obviously was purposely trying to make me jealous but I had acted in the same manner. Like I said, mind games, so I’m not sure if what is actually TRUE. Also, she not only “liked” a Facebook picture of him, she “loved” it with that little heart emoticon you can use. Most people will know what I’m talking about. BUT, the guy showed little to no interest in her and so it went nowhere.

 

So fast forward to now. About a month ago we started to really talk. Not only about the kids, but really talk to each other, visit, sex, etc. SHE is showing interest. More texts, pictures of kids, emails, phone calls, etc. BUT, I feel like if that GUY had shown interest in her they’d still be talking possibly but who knows, I can’t predict the future.

 

So my questions. Do I give her another chance? Do I spend my time and energy to try and rebuild the relationship despite these thoughts? Should I discard these thoughts because we have kids and give this another try?

 

I don’t wanna feel like a safety net or a “second choice”. Your thoughts ?

 

Thank You

[RedDress]

In my opinion, even in the healthiest of relationships, sometimes someone else comes along that makes you go “hmm..”

Smart people recognize that they are just seeing the shiny initial luster of a person and that it’s probably not all that it seems. Relationships take equal parts love and commitment and this is where the commitment part comes in where - rather than cheat (i’m NOT saying she cheated - you were separated) - but in general - this is where you need to double-down and put the energy into your relationship.

 

Your relationship was NOT healthy when that shiny person walked by. It was already fractured and broken of it’s own accord.

 

I don’t think that makes you “2nd choice”. I think she just naturally gravitated towards something that looked shiny and new and easy rather than something that was tattered and broken and complicated.

 

I think that makes her human. Many of us prefer to gravitate towards something easy over complex.

 

Personally, unless infidelity has been a problem in your relationship in the past, you should just see it for what it is - a rough time in your relationship.

 

Personally, given the circumstances, I would forget about it. You both clearly have a connection if you’ve been together that long, have kids and continue to have sex. I think it’s worth another go.

[Andrina]

What happened shouldn't be a dealbreaker. She was probably trying to put a bandaid on her hurt, but it was highly inappropriate for her to introduce your children to a man she wasn't serious with. If you two don't work out, I'd tell her to please wait until it's clear that her future relationship will be a longterm one before introducing the man to your children.

 

You made mistakes in the marriage and now are doing what it takes to be a better partner. Yes, I'd try to get back together with her since you are now getting along and you owe it to the children to give it another shot. What would I do if she were my partner? I'd have a discussion about relationship boundaries. What do you each need to do to build a strong emotional connection, and what behavior do you need to avoid? (including boundaries with new friendships with people of the opposite sex when it will be harmful to the primary relationship--you set the rules each of you are comfortable with.)

 

If you can go to marriage counseling, I highly recommend that. If you can't, at minimum, get some books from the library or a bookstore on relationships, and read the chapters to one another. If you both lack the skills to make your marriage what it should be, you need professional advice. Good luck.

[catfeeder]

So my questions. Do I give her another chance? Do I spend my time and energy to try and rebuild the relationship despite these thoughts? Should I discard these thoughts because we have kids and give this another try?

 

Putting aside any ideas about what anyone else might believe that you 'should' do, if you could wave a magic wand and have yourself positioned any way you wish in the future, what would that look like?