Getting over a 4 year affair

[CarrieB123]

stupid do gooders

 

I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING A "DO GOODER"!!!

 

Maybe she has "seen the light" maybe she actually feels bad for being "the other woman" maybe she herself (like you) doesnt trust someone who cheats.

[Mun]

You know bluebirds I tell so many people this :

 

You should not divorce because you have someone else waiting, you should divorce because your marriage is over and you are not happy.

 

When you divorce to be with another person you are doing it for the wrong reasons. As you have seen yourself, the other person can up and leave you... and then what will you do? You have lost everything for nothing.

 

Looks like your mistress got tired of waiting. Can you blame her? 4 years is a long time for you to fix things and be with her. She probably doesn't believe a thing you say anymore--and you can't blame that on do-gooders--you did that all on your own. As you said, she left her husband... but you didn't. Why should she trust you now?

 

I think-- and this is my advice : If you want her back then you will have to initiate divorce proceedings. At this point I'm afraid that is THE ONLY thing that will prove to her that you mean what you say about finally leaving your wife and being with her.

 

I think the time when you could have your cake and eat it too has run out.

[nikki19]

Wow, you're a piece of work! You asked for everyone to try to be non-judgemental, but the more you post the harder that gets. You've told us that you began an affair before getting married and it continued throughout your marriage. (why'd you get married??). You've stated that you love your lover not your wife. Again, why are you married to her? I think we're missing something here. Does your wife have money? You've given us no history on your marriage. The little bit of info about your wife paints her as docile and an enabler.

You described your feelings of being jabbed with a knife at the thought of your lover having sex with someone else. You've called your lover's ex-husband as a "poor guy" for believing his wife's lies. You don't talk about how your wife would feel except to say she's not stupid, and she would not want to know.

Now your latest posts talk about staying with your wife if your lover won't be with you, or until it's financially viable for you to leave. Maybe you can't stand the thought of being alone. If you can't be with your lover, then you'll settle for your wife. Your poor wife!

I don't know what the laws are where you live, but I would hope that when the marriage is disolved (and I hope it is, because your wife deserves better than you), that she doesn't just get half of everything, I hope she gets everything. After what you've put her through, she should at least get that.

[bluebirds]

niki19..thats just not fair, I didnt go out on purpose and fall in love with my lover, it evolved over a period of time and the chemistry between was greater than I have ever had in my life and still is.

 

Its happened and I am not about to apologise for it, life serves us up many different problems and I came on this message board for solutions, of which I have been given many and appreciate that.

 

You dont need to know about my wife, its just not relevant.

[RayKay]

niki19..thats just not fair, I didnt go out on purpose and fall in love with my lover, it evolved over a period of time and the chemistry between was greater than I have ever had in my life and still is.

 

Its happened and I am not about to apologise for it, life serves us up many different problems and I came on this message board for solutions, of which I have been given many and appreciate that.

 

You dont need to know about my wife, its just not relevant.

 

But the fact is you LET it evolve while you were involved with your wife. You made the choice. You could of stopped it early on because you were involved with someone, you chose to let it continue. People make a CHOICE to cheat, you don't accidentally fall into an affair.

 

If that chemistry was so great with her and not with your wife you should of never gotten married, or at least you should of ended the marriage a long time ago.

[bluebirds]

listen guys I have got to go right now, but will be back 2moro, I bet you she contacts me within the next 24 hours...and nobody has come up with that line I asked for.

 

Just a quick reply to the last message, love is uncontrolable and I got in to deep before I knew it.

[Iceman26]

You mean "lust" is uncontrollable.

[nikki19]

I agree with muneca. You need to come clean with your wife and initiate a divorce. The next time your lover contacts you, happily tell her she can have all of you.

Then your wife can joyously send her your laundry, your debts, and the rest of your baggage.

[annie24]

I have to put my 2 cents in. I think this is something that's been brought up before. I just don't understand. You were having an affair with your lover before you got married, then it started up again a few months after the wedding.

 

I can sort of see why when a couple has been together for years and years and there are kids, and the romance has lost its spark and everything is routine- I can see how someone else can catch the a partner's eye.... But, I just don't understand why you got married in the first place? Money? Security? I mean - what was the point of getting married in the first place? Why didn't you call off the wedding once you saw that there was a very strong chemistry between you and your lover?

 

I really truly think you owe it to your wife to come clean to her. If you truly do want to be with your lover, then like the others said, start the divorce proceedings - that is the only thing that will show her that you are for real. if you don't get yourself out of this limbo, you will lose them both and your house and $$$ for being a really really bad husband. I'm not trying to judge you - I'm just telling you the reality of the situation. I think if the case is brought to divorce court, her lawyers will tear into you and rip you apart. And you will be left with nothing.

[CarrieB123]

Why didn't you call off the wedding once you saw that there was a very strong chemistry between you and your lover?

 

I am not sure 100%, but my guess is because his lover was married at the time.

[Mun]

I bet you she contacts me within the next 24 hours...and nobody has come up with that line I asked for.

 

 

I have a line for you.

Here it goes : I am initiating my divorce.

Anything less than that and you are just playing games Bluebird--and from the looks of it she is tired of playing with you.

 

I think you want guarantees, unfortunately there are none. If you play you risk losing and I'm afraid, my friend, that you don't want to lose--you are so used to having things your way. If you want that woman you have to show her that you mean what you say---no more stalling.

 

I tell you these things as a woman, she does not believe you any more. Either you walk away from her, or you prove to her what you told us : that you have incredible chemistry together and you want her in your life.

 

Divorcing your wife is probably the only thing that will bring her back.

You are suffering, she is suffering and I'm pretty sure your wife is suffering too. Your wife should have a man to love her and respect her. Don't be selfish that way my friend. Let her be happy too.

You are holding the key to everyone's future.

 

...And before you argue that it's not the right time I will tell you this: There will NEVER be a right time... you have to just do it.

[lady00]

Tell her what you told us...that you can be with her in July. If she still doesn't want to get back together, then you'll have to let it go. You can't really blame her if she says no but if you want to be with her and feel that you must wait till July for finacial reasons, then tell her that. Just be honest with her. Then it's up to her what she wants to do.

[RayKay]

Very well said Muneca - bluebird, she is 100% right.

 

As I have said before you have had many chances, and made many broken promises - she got fed up with it and she is tired of the promises and words.

 

You risk losing one or both women whatever you do, but you NEED to take some decisive actions and stop playing with everyone's hearts this way, if you want your mistress, let your wife go (and I would argue maybe let her go in any case), if you want your wife, let the mistress go...but stop picking both, for one you no longer can have both, but also it is not fair to EITHER of them. You may love them, but you are not doing a good job of LOVING them.

 

Tell her you are starting the divorce and FOLLOW THROUGH with it if you want to be with her. She may or may not come back, but you MUST do something if you want her back, and that will be the only thing that gives you a chance bluebird.

[desparatehousewife]

Here's what you need to do. Get off this board, make your cell phone an appendage, wait with utter anticipation all day and night for the next TM from your scorned lover and continue to live a miserable existence. Keep in mind that your lover is enjoying every minute of her psychological revenge, because it is working beautifully.

 

As for your wife, she knows. I'm sure she's told all her friends what a miserable husband you've turned out to be and is seeking the recommendation of a good attorney to take you to the cleaners.

 

And buddy, what comes around, goes around.

[Mun]

Thanks RayKay, but I'm afraid he didn't even read my last post .

 

I think what he wants is not a way to resolve this, but a line to feed his mistress so that she will hold on a little longer....and he can keep having both.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think any more lines will work at this point...if only he would see that.

[RayKay]

Thanks RayKay, but I'm afraid he didn't even read my last post .

 

I think what he wants is not a way to resolve this, but a line to feed his mistress so that she will hold on a little longer....and he can keep having both.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think any more lines will work at this point...if only he would see that.

 

You are right in the respect he wants to know how to keep her around....I don't think lines will work either, I just hope for her sake that she sticks to her guns and does not go back to the same situation again.

 

I hope you do read all this bluebird and think about it seriously.

[tiger_lilies]

Bluebird had tunnel vision. He doesn't care about his wife at all, it's all about satisfying himself, hence why he's a cheater!

[bluebirds]

I will leave my wife and I have told my lover, I told her wait until July, I explained the financial implications and I also feel that with all the heartache I am will cause maybe its better not to have to deal with major financial issues also.

 

I am only human guys, to deal with such a huge upheaval and to leave my wife my home and start a new life, plus having zero money to finance it.....thats to much, I did the math with my lover back in Feb I told her the situation back then, but she thought it was just another excuse.

 

Someone said there is never a good time to leave, I agree, but there are better times and its better to be organised and not have any financial worry when you about to create such a huge upheaval for the people in your life.

 

But as I said, she wouldnt listen.

 

She also told me she didnt believe the financial issue, I wouldnt make something like that up believe me.

 

So you see, we could have been together, I would have released my wife from this torment, but deep down I dont think my lover wanted it.

[arwen]

I am only human guys, to deal with such a huge upheaval and to leave my wife my home and start a new life, plus having zero money to finance it.....thats to much, I did the math with my lover back in Feb I told her the situation back then, but she thought it was just another excuse.

 

When are you going to see that all this mess is NOT a matter of 'events that just HAPPENED to you' or 'part of being a human', etc?

 

You are 37, I find it unbelievable that you still didn't see in life that most that 'happens' is somehow the consequence of your own choices.

 

You will resolve nothing if you keep having this perspective. You will end up in the same sort of place over and over again in life, if you don't take responsibility for your own choices.

 

Another really remarkable thing here is about the 'zero money' to start a new life. So if you leave your wife, you have no finances to start over yourself? In other words, next to being cheated on, you are financially dependent on your wife or am I seeing that wrong?

 

Ilse.

[bluebirds]

No thats wrong, we have a mortgage plan that expires in July, we cant sell the house until then, well we could but we would lose a very large chunk of money.

 

Hence I would rather not rock the boat until July as she would probably put the house on the market straight away for spite!

 

I know how she would react if confronted with the situation of me leaving her, we have had rows over the years and she has always said that if I leave she will do everything in her power to ruin my life.

 

Putting the house on the market straight away would be the first thing she would do as she knows that would hit me in the pocket straight away.

 

Plus if I leave it until July its one less issue to deal with, it makes it easier to walk away, surley that makes sense?

[arwen]

Well, then there is no real other solution. Either tell your wife the truth and figure out a way to solve this so you can divorce her before the end of the mortgage period, or stick it out and tell her then. Either way she deserves the truth.

 

Strange that you probably signed for that mortgage when you were already involved with woman number 2. Things are most certainly more difficult when you would have to be honest to your wife. What WERE your expectations of that marriage anyway?

 

I notice that you are looking for the solution that is most convenient for YOU, while it's not about just you. It's about decency and responsibility towards your wife. You keep on repeating that she is not a part of this issue, which tells me you simply want to avoid thinking/talking about that. Surely she will want to make your life miserable if you'd tell her the truth, can you honestly blame her for that? You can't expect things to turn out ALL good for YOU here, I'd suggest you take a portion away from your selfishness and reconstruct it to responsibility towards your wife.

 

Every time you mention your wife here, the word 'wife' comes accross as if you are referring to just a big object that stands in the way of your happiness. Like a thing, that you somehow blame for this whole situation. It makes me cold inside that a person can do this to another person, in a marriage, which is supposed to be about love and care.

 

Truth has the peculiar property of revealing itself on unexpected moments, if you don't tell her, she will find out eventually. And then it's out of your control. Truth is a very important aspect of life. Not only are you keeping your wife deprived from the truth, but you also allow yourself to live in a lie by staying in an unloving marriage.

 

 

Ilse.

[bluebirds]

Yes I want whats best for me, that maybe selfish but at least its honest!

 

I told you, it would be easier for all involved for this to come out in July, easier for me, easier for my wife and easier for my lover as none of us would have extra things to sort out.

 

I do feel at the moment that my wife is standing in the way of my happiness, basically becuase she is, I am in love with and want to be with my lover..its as simple as that.

[arwen]

Yeah, "honest", that's what you are.

 

Well, after all that has been said here, I really have no clue what to tell you more.

 

Hope things work out for the three of you, without too much pain for your wife.

 

Ilse.

[bluebirds]

Just for all your info, she has contacted and accused me of hacking in to her hotmail and reading her emails!!

 

Her password has changed or something like that! Anyhow I cant print the full extent of the message she sent me but it was very abusive.

 

I havent been near her hotmail!!

[annie24]

from which lady? (Sorry - I get confused... after all, there's more than 1 lady in your life...)