Self-Destructing

[11moreweeks]

I've been having a pretty abysmal time post-breakup now. As my home/familial issues have continued to worsen (though it's been quiet because of how much they've worsened forcing intervention), and as my mind has been finding a place after my ex's last breadcrumb, things have not been going well for me.

 

I have stabilized in my weight but have not exercised in over a month. I still want to lose weight, and don't want to lose my gym progress, but this isn't that bad.

 

I'm not going to graduate anymore. If I can somehow do it, my best bet is taking incompletes and finishing my Spring semester courses in June/July to graduate artificially late, but I could just still fail some classes. This is a far cry from the near-perfect GPA I had before the breakup.

 

I am sleeping 12-20 hours a day, and my sleeping routine is nonexistent.

 

I have 0 interest, pleasure, or value/investment in pretty much anything. It really feels as if there is nothing in life to me. Meaningless adages, however true they may be, that "something lies around the corner", are just plain meaningless to me.

 

I also missed a psychologist appointment today, so that sucks.

 

I crumble under any pressure now, but as I crumble, I feel even more pressure because every delay on my graduation means a continuation of an abysmal living situation that is just not worth being in.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I'm inching forward in a time that necessitates a few inches at a time.

[Blank State]

You just keep going. Lean on people. You're depressed because you're heartbroken. This is totally normal. Force yourself to get out of bed. Every day you put behind you will put distance as well. And with enough time, you'll be good. Don't let everything else fall apart because of it. One thing I started realizing as years go by is that if you do the things you don't want to do, you'll eventually thank yourself for it. If you give in to letting things fall to the wayside, you'll regret it one day and have to fix it one day. So if the gym is the last place you want to be, go to the gym. Force yourself. Break life down into small increments. Laundry piling up? Go throw some clothes in the laundry. Dwelling on your ex? Throw a movie in.

 

Everyone goes through it and it sucks. But it's 100% certain that you'll survive it and one day you'll look back on it as no big deal.

[RayRay63]

... have not exercised in over a month. I still want to lose weight, and don't want to lose my gym progress,

 

Exercising releases endorphins that make you feel a bit better.

 

This is an important way of beating not only the emotional pain of heartbreak, but also depression more generally.

 

Put the earphones in, and go for a jog/fast walk, if not the gym. 20 minutes and a light sweat is all it takes for biology to kick in.

 

A routine of doing it will encourage proper sleeping periods, and help your concentration levels to study.

 

And, though its hard at first to establish that routine, in 21 days it becomes a habit - one that will replace the habits born out of your depression.

[sputnik123]

Hey 11,

 

Really sorry you are feeling this way.

 

Ray is spot on.. exercising daily helps so much.. I don't know the science behind it, but it really does.

 

As Blankspace points out, all you need to "get over" the ex is plenty of time and distance (metaphorically).

 

Try to focus only on the aspects of your life that you can influence.. it will get easier.

 

In the meantime, know that we are all here for you.

 

Sending you strength.

[11moreweeks]

Without fail, things once again got worse last night. This is really dumb.

 

I'd exercise more, but the only thing exercise would do is take away more of my time that is so crucial to me right now. My completion of whatever I can complete this semester, to reach the ideal of only having incompletes and finishing by or during July, hinges mostly on my distribution of my hours awake. The science of endorphins is such that not everyone actually gets them -- some people feel worse after exercising. I do feel better immediately after exercising, so I do get the temporary high from endorphins, but that only lasts about an hour or two for me and doesn't actually affect my mental and emotional well-being all that much longer-term, at least not enough to make a big enough difference to help me get through this. The role of exercise in my getting through this has been a played topic with my psychologist.

 

It's no doubt that the breakup has worsened my feelings, but this depression and mental rut is caused largely by environmental factors that I have 0 control over, including how much I am involved with them. The tough part for me has been learning how to deal with this absurdity without having my ex around to support me.

 

Time is of the essence. I am not in a position to just "coast away and wait for things to get better" because if I am not extremely productive right now, things will unavoidably get much, much worse for me. I sincerely loathe the American mental healthcare system and everyone who stands in the way of it improving.

 

Not sure what to do, don't think there's much I can to. I hate my ex.

 

Sometimes there are no realistic answers to things happening in life. I'm still looking for an answer that can get me through this part of my life.

[SooSad33]

((Hugs))

This stuff is NEVER easy :(.

 

You are in deep depression by sounds of it.

I dont know your story... how long involved? When it all ended?

 

Have you gone for prof help? Therapy? on anti depr's?

 

I keep having my fall-backs as well.. with many triggers. I do go thru times of isolation. Though my appetite has remained stable this time around.

My emotions are a wreck though. Very emotional.. easily triggered, and feeling miserable.. much of the time :/.

 

If you cant do it, then you can't. Is very challenging to do anything when in this state. Try not to beat yourself up if you are unable to continue or complete your schooling right now.

If you're that 'low' you're lucky to manage a shower.

 

But.. I do suggest you try and work on one thing at a time... like your sleep pattern.

My sleep is crap.. so I take melatonin every night with another sleep aid... we need our rest.

I have to get kids up for school every day... if I feel that want or need for a nap. I will do that.

 

It's mental & emotional or physical Exhaustion... that can be very challenging.

 

I crumble too under pressure. I am very easily triggered.. I told my therapist once it is like Im on the wall.. takes nothing to set me off one way or another.

I am emotional, I am not tearing up as much these last few days- which is better. But, it's still there.

The mind can be VERY challenging... we know.

 

So.. it is okay to not be okay.

Let the tears flow.. and maybe try journaling? I write a lot.. often on my PC, using wordpad.

All of that I would like to say... so i get it out that way as well. But never actually tell him anything.

Is just another way to vent.

 

Can take time... yes.

 

But is good to just keep going... keep trying.. believe that you CAN do this.

 

If able.. go get you something at the buck store ( go get a journal), etc. Treat yourself. You deserve it!

[11moreweeks]

((Hugs))

This stuff is NEVER easy :(.

 

You are in deep depression by sounds of it.

I dont know your story... how long involved? When it all ended?

 

Have you gone for prof help? Therapy? on anti depr's?

 

I keep having my fall-backs as well.. with many triggers. I do go thru times of isolation. Though my appetite has remained stable this time around.

My emotions are a wreck though. Very emotional.. easily triggered, and feeling miserable.. much of the time :/.

 

If you cant do it, then you can't. Is very challenging to do anything when in this state. Try not to beat yourself up if you are unable to continue or complete your schooling right now.

If you're that 'low' you're lucky to manage a shower.

 

But.. I do suggest you try and work on one thing at a time... like your sleep pattern.

My sleep is crap.. so I take melatonin every night with another sleep aid... we need our rest.

I have to get kids up for school every day... if I feel that want or need for a nap. I will do that.

 

It's mental & emotional or physical Exhaustion... that can be very challenging.

 

I crumble too under pressure. I am very easily triggered.. I told my therapist once it is like Im on the wall.. takes nothing to set me off one way or another.

I am emotional, I am not tearing up as much these last few days- which is better. But, it's still there.

The mind can be VERY challenging... we know.

 

So.. it is okay to not be okay.

Let the tears flow.. and maybe try journaling? I write a lot.. often on my PC, using wordpad.

All of that I would like to say... so i get it out that way as well. But never actually tell him anything.

Is just another way to vent.

 

Can take time... yes.

 

But is good to just keep going... keep trying.. believe that you CAN do this.

 

If able.. go get you something at the buck store ( go get a journal), etc. Treat yourself. You deserve it!

 

I appreciate your post and compassion, and I do agree that believing I can do it is pretty important. One of my bigger issues is that I almost don't want to do it anymore. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been seeing a psychologist ever since the breakup and am a completely open book -- I doubt there's more than a few people in my classes, students or faculty, who don't know about my situation.

 

My story is, in a nutshell: I was with my ex for 8 years and was planning to propose. The relationship was always strained by long distance (about 1 year of sleeping in the same bed through regular visiting) and extremely severe home problems on my end (murderous and schizophrenic mother, vulnerable grandparents, legal obligation to somehow prevent catastrophe / elder abuse / etc. It'd actually be a felony for me to even move out of the house because it'd be abandoning my grandparents with a dangerous person) My ex ended up breaking up with me 5 months ago to date someone with an easier life, but strung me along for a few months in the mean time while leading me to believe that we were going to get back together with dishonesty, claiming it was for the well-being of my mindset. It was not easy for her as she was my emotional crutch through it all, as any significant other might be. The home condition has continually worsened the last few years to the point where, to be blunt, there's a huge chance my family ends up on the front page of my city's newspaper in the next year or so. The U.S. mental healthcare system is pure evil. The plan was that I'd graduate, move to live with her and her family, and start taking to lawyers for the probable court battle I'd end up facing (although my brother also lives in the home and he is more closely tied to home management so I can focus on school).

 

The tough part is that, because of the breakup and what it has done to my mother's mental health (exacerbated by a degradation of my own well-being from it), the home issues have gotten far worse and are getting far more dangerous, destructive, and chaotic. I'm not in a position where delaying my graduation more than a few months by taking incompletes is okay. It's been long enough since the breakup, and I've developed such a terribly negative view of my ex over how all this has played out and how it all came to be (with regards to her contributions), that it's not as much about the grief of a lost relationship. It's about dealing with problems as a single person for pretty much the first time in my life (we were 16 when we got together -- basically children). The grief of a lost relationship makes everything feel worse, of course, but I am at a loss over how it all comes together.

[SooSad33]

Yes.... the grief over a true 'loss'. Not easy at all.

 

So... it was a long term relation for you guys.

And on top of that.. all of the stress at the homefront.. wow :(.

 

I dont think all that is going on there should be weighing on you boys! You should not have to be a care giver this way.

It is robbing you of your own life.. mentally and all.

 

If mom is that messed up.. should not be on your shoulders.

 

What would happen should you get out of there? Are there not places that can help her?

Somewhere full time, where she can relocate in dealing with her mental illness...

 

You saw a professional? What did they say about all of this?

[11moreweeks]

Yes.... the grief over a true 'loss'. Not easy at all.

 

So... it was a long term relation for you guys.

And on top of that.. all of the stress at the homefront.. wow :(.

 

I dont think all that is going on there should be weighing on you boys! You should not have to be a care giver this way.

It is robbing you of your own life.. mentally and all.

 

If mom is that messed up.. should not be on your shoulders.

 

What would happen should you get out of there? Are there not places that can help her?

Somewhere full time, where she can relocate in dealing with her mental illness...

 

You saw a professional? What did they say about all of this?

 

Yeah, it has definitely felt like a pretty huge loss. It's kind of like, when some people say "the next one will be better" or "there are other girls out there", it doesn't resonate with me. It feels like the death of.. honestly, an entire family (as mine is so messed up, hers was my proxy family). You would not tell someone, after the death of their father or something, "Your next father will be better".

 

It's true that the stress has pretty much robbed my brother and I of our lives. While the home issues were not this bad until a bout 3.5 years ago, it is as if we went from legal dependents to legal caregivers as soon as we turned 18 (he's a couple years older). It's a consequence of abysmal structure for the U.S. mental healthcare system -- focus on familial responsibility with an absence of resources, other options, and punishment for not being able to handle it.

 

If I get out of there, there's a few probable things:

1: My brother's share of the burden increases, and his life is even more lost.

2: Protection agencies may come after me for abandoning vulnerable adults (grandparents)

3: The chance of tragedy happening to someone in the house increases. It'd be hard to live with, personally, if me abandoning ship (and this of course exacerbating my mother's well-being) helped catalyze something like the murder of one of my grandparents.

 

There are only places to help her if she wants treatment and commits to it. Without that, the U.S. system is complete failure. There's no long-term mental healthcare in the U.S. anymore -- deinstitutionalization basically got rid of that. There's temporary, court-ordered treatments which have failed 3 or 4 times in the last few years. We've been trying to get her some assisted living, but she has to do that on her own accord, and she could easily be kicked out of the housing if she caused issues. The most likely end-state for her, to be blunt, is homelessness.

 

With regards to the professional, yes, I've been seeing them once every 2-3 weeks (6-10 sessions so far) since November. All they can really say is that life sometimes really, really sucks and that I was dealt a bad hand. There's not much either of us can do, and medication is probably not applicable as it's environmental rather than internal (plus it should be short-term at this point). It's all about getting me to have the strength and discipline to get through this, then to continue my self-improvement that I'm partially seeing them for.

[SooSad33]

Wow.. this is so unfair for you guys :(. So unfair.

 

So you are at witts end and feel like there is nowhere to turn.. right? Awww :/.

 

I feel you guys do NEED time for you. Here, we are able to go thru Dr's or hospital to get 'releif' for caregivers.. respite?

So you can get away for a while.

[RayRay63]

11 please-

 

I'd exercise more, but the only thing exercise would do is take away more of my time that is so crucial to me right now

 

Sorry bro, but I am calling BS on this right now. Your time is yours, you told us you are wasting upwards of 20 hours a day sleeping and wallowing in self pity.

 

What is crucial is that you step out and up, and don't waste time wallowing.. I don't mean to be rude, but man up right now and show some spine.

 

300 Spartans bro. Google it.

[wgmitch]

11moreweeks,

 

You do sound self destructive. Please know that your situation is special, but the way you are feeling is very normal at this stage. You are going to feel this way for quite some time as all of us here have.

 

Right now you are going through what a lot of guys feel during breakups, so don’t let your mind race in a downwards or backwards spiral. Shake yourself out of it and focus on the here and now. Depression is living in the past too much, so focus on the moment.

 

Get out there and stay active, exercise helps with depression. Remember to eat well as vitamin deficiencies can make depression worse. Most importantly if you find yourself having thoughts of hurting yourself please, please see your family physician. They are in the best position to help you.

 

DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE! This just feeds your depression as we are all our own worst critics., especially while depressed and going through a breakup. We have the tendency to find problems with ourselves, things that other people just don’t see because our brains are working overtime to make us feel worse. The key is to realize that you are being silly in letting yourself entertain this line of thinking!!! We amazingly can convince ourselves of just about anything while feeling down. Trust me though if you are able to change the way you view your situation and see the big picture, you will find your spunkiness, your zest for life, your feeling of excitement and future happiness!

 

Don’t’ trust your depressive thoughts and the demons of doubt that are in your head right now.

 

We are all here for you.

 

Mitch

[Wiseman2]

Get a check up from a doctor. Rule out physical problems. Also sometimes the brain needs a jump start in the form of antidepressants to start turning things around. Heck if you had a large painful gash you'd get treatment right? Not just look at it hoping willpower (or lack thereof) will make it better.

[Barnabas17]

There are a lot of good suggestions here. I am so sorry for your break up and the investment of your heart. I, like many others have experienced heartaches like this, but you do have people who LOVE YOU! I hope that you continue to explore all the available resources available to you. I have some friends that look for ways to assist seniors in their time of need. I too like to visit older couples, run errands and give their loved ones some time to themselves. I'm very introverted and I would not have known how to do this if I didn't reach out. I trust that God has people waiting to meet our needs when we least expect it and when it appears hopeless. Please don't give up and please know that this is a season of your life the will get better. You and your brother are strong and you can persevere. The bible talks about a strength that is not our own and I hope you can get that additional strength by reaching out to the local church. The community there will encourage and support you and there will be additional resources yet unknown. Praying for you and your family.

[11moreweeks]

I'm going to bump this post because it's still a problem. I have done a decent amount of work, but all the problems persist. I'm in a slightly better position than before, but I'm having a very tough block this weekend (I was supposed to be productive this weekend). The semester is ending soon, so it's crucial I get somewhere. I just don't know how to get past this. There is no light in my life or on the horizon.

[figureitout23]

I'm going to bump this post because it's still a problem. I have done a decent amount of work, but all the problems persist. I'm in a slightly better position than before, but I'm having a very tough block this weekend (I was supposed to be productive this weekend). The semester is ending soon, so it's crucial I get somewhere. I just don't know how to get past this. There is no light in my life or on the horizon.

 

Continue to check in with people and vent, come on here, they also have suicide hotlines, and take things one day at a time. SO many people have been at the same place you are, you're not alone. Set short term goals for yourself, so you can gain the satisfaction of completing a task. And please always remember you're not alone.