Guaging interest online

[thornz]

OK, print out jmann's post and read it over and over until you truly internalize it.

 

I couldn't agree more with the power of choice. I am considered highly attractive, my inbox would be slammed when I was using OLD. But I'll be dammed if I just settle for whatever guys decide to contact me. If I like his profile I'd contact him. I've never had a guy get some kind of an attitude of "you must have been desperate", quite the opposite - the men were thrilled that I had reached out.

 

Anyway, I'd like to share a funny story about this online thing and the debate about who reaches out to who and so on. One of my LTR's we had met online. Several months in, I met his bff and the first question from him was, so who contacted who first. My bf at the time and I looked at each other and we were totally stumped. No clue, no recollection - it really didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that first date and how we took off from there - totally mutual interest. Ask us about real life dates and you'll get nauseating details of what all we did, how it went and so on, ask about online bs and who contacted who.....no clue. Literally. Not one instance of this either, just one example I'm posting. When you meet face to face and the interest turns out to be mutual, things simply flow from there. How you got there is truly irrelevant. I also agree with jmann that I'd be wary of any man who keeps score and judges.

 

Yes that’s great point, I’ve worked my way through poor boundaries, limited accountability and a belief that I lack autonomy and control in my life. The last thing I need is a man questioning that and undoing my hard work.

[thornz]

Well a little update, thanks to everyone’s advice I’ve stopped the lengthy messages with guys and they have taken the initiative to suggest either jokingly or seriously a meet. So got two potential meets now and I’m not wasting hours online. Bonus!

 

The guy who I was initially talking about became more flirty and lighthearted with the short exchanges so I pushed him at his suggestion to meet and he suggested a meal. I told him I’d prefer a brief meet initially and have him my number telling him to call me sometime so we can make arrangements. Took the bull by the horns! Feels quite satisfying actually 😇

[Wiseman2]

Excellent! Enjoy the meets.

Well a little update, thanks to everyone’s advice I’ve stopped the lengthy messages with guys and they have taken the initiative to suggest either jokingly or seriously a meet. So got two potential meets now and I’m not wasting hours online.Took the bull by the horns! Feels quite satisfying actually 😇

[katrina1980]

 

You should probably find a guy who either values himself more or is a tad less sexist, depending on the angle of his thought process.

 

 

That's funny you should say that cause when he admitted that to me, we did have a fun little argument about it, with me asserting the same thing as you just did! LOL

 

Not so much about him valuing himself but about the sexist bit and double standard.

[Batya33]

Well a little update, thanks to everyone’s advice I’ve stopped the lengthy messages with guys and they have taken the initiative to suggest either jokingly or seriously a meet. So got two potential meets now and I’m not wasting hours online. Bonus!

 

The guy who I was initially talking about became more flirty and lighthearted with the short exchanges so I pushed him at his suggestion to meet and he suggested a meal. I told him I’d prefer a brief meet initially and have him my number telling him to call me sometime so we can make arrangements. Took the bull by the horns! Feels quite satisfying actually 😇

 

I'm glad you suggested a first meet - I found your expression interesting because to me when I suggested first meets it didn't feel at all like that -it was just a means to an end - I wanted to meet people in real life to see whether we should go on a first date in the future and had no need for chat buddies or online friends through dating sites (I made online friends in other ways) and if he wasn't enthusiastic about meeting in person I knew he most likely wanted to date online or have a chat buddy- neither of which interested me in the least.

[Sportster2005]

So when they receive a message from a woman first, they think "hmm must be something wrong with her if she's messaging me first."

 

That's the mentality of many men on line.

 

 

Many? What's your source of information?

 

When I get an email from a woman I think she's confident and isn't afraid of rejection. Most women I dated messaged me first. I can't and won't speak for many men, but I think the idea that many men think negative of women that message them is at best inaccurate.

 

OP, if he wants to date you, he'll ask you out. Don't complicate it.

[catfeeder]

Why jump through hoops to try to be interesting online when there's nothing interesting about being online?

 

Use apps as a tool to set up quick meets, and quickly. Skip trying to find 'attraction' through a screen. Either someone can spare the time for a cup of coffee, or not. If not, move forward and meet the next guy.

 

The goal is to screen out wrong matches until you strike simpatico with someone. That's not cynical, it's practical. When you can grasp that most people are not our match, you won't wheel spin over what's 'wrong' with you whenever you don't attract or find someone attractive. That's not wrong, it's typical.

 

How many years of meeting people did it take for you to form your current friends? And of those, how many would you consider true simpatico with someone who loves you deeply and truly 'gets you'. If good friends are so rare, why would anyone assume that finding a lover who is right for you will be any easier?

 

This isn't meant to discourage--just the opposite, it's intended to liberate you from adopting any ideas that finding it difficult to find love is unusual or makes you 'wrong' or substandard in any way. You're in great company, and it can take a large measure of time and patience before striking gold and finding the right lover.

 

Keep your head high, and enjoy the process as you learn to thrive in your own life solo. You may end up surprised that the right lover finds you only after you've already 'found' your Self.

 

Best wishes,

Cat

[katrina1980]

Many? What's your source of information?

 

 

My source of information was the new guy I'm dating who's the be-all-and-end-all of how all men think!! Women too! LOL

 

I'm teasing Sportster, course he's not, and honestly I didn't even take him seriously when he said it; mostly I think he was trying to get a rise out of me in a fun playful way, which he did and as I said we had a fun playful argument about how ridiculously sexist that type of thinking is! Xd

 

He didn't deny.

[Batya33]

Many? What's your source of information?

 

When I get an email from a woman I think she's confident and isn't afraid of rejection. Most women I dated messaged me first. I can't and won't speak for many men, but I think the idea that many men think negative of women that message them is at best inaccurate.

 

OP, if he wants to date you, he'll ask you out. Don't complicate it.

 

Same here when I did online dating who messaged first was a non-issue and I kept my messages short, typically including one sentence directly related to what they wrote so they knew I'd read their profile. The purpose was to see if we should talk by phone so I would suggest that and ask for their number (I used caller blocking back then or similar on my landline!)

[Batya33]

My source of information was the new guy I'm dating who's the be-all-and-end-all of how all men think!! Women too! LOL

 

I'm teasing Sportster, course he's not, and honestly I didn't even take him seriously when he said it; mostly I think he was trying to get a rise out of me in a fun playful way, which he did and as I said we had a fun playful argument about how ridiculously sexist that type of thinking is! Xd

 

He didn't deny.

 

Yes sounds like it!

[thornz]

Why jump through hoops to try to be interesting online when there's nothing interesting about being online?

 

Use apps as a tool to set up quick meets, and quickly. Skip trying to find 'attraction' through a screen. Either someone can spare the time for a cup of coffee, or not. If not, move forward and meet the next guy.

 

The goal is to screen out wrong matches until you strike simpatico with someone. That's not cynical, it's practical. When you can grasp that most people are not our match, you won't wheel spin over what's 'wrong' with you whenever you don't attract or find someone attractive. That's not wrong, it's typical.

 

How many years of meeting people did it take for you to form your current friends? And of those, how many would you consider true simpatico with someone who loves you deeply and truly 'gets you'. If good friends are so rare, why would anyone assume that finding a lover who is right for you will be any easier?

 

This isn't meant to discourage--just the opposite, it's intended to liberate you from adopting any ideas that finding it difficult to find love is unusual or makes you 'wrong' or substandard in any way. You're in great company, and it can take a large measure of time and patience before striking gold and finding the right lover.

 

Keep your head high, and enjoy the process as you learn to thrive in your own life solo. You may end up surprised that the right lover finds you only after you've already 'found' your Self.

 

Best wishes,

Cat

 

Is this intended for me? I can’t think how any of my posts have given you this impression. I can’t relate to this at all. I’d say my feelings on dating are quite the opposite of what you have suggested.

 

I was referring to how to tell if someone is interested (attracted) by their messages, due to the fact I’m socially retarded and even the most obvious social clues and social common sense eludes me. This confirmed by the common sense solution of suggesting a meet in person evading me 🤣

 

This guy kept messaging me at length which to me suggests interest but he also wasn’t asking a great deal of questions and hadn’t paid me the usual compulsory compliment to indicate interest so I was somewhat confused as to his interest level. Easily rectified by suggesting a meet!

 

I know better now but no doubt I’ll be back again in 5 minutes for more help navigating the foggy dating seas with no interpersonal compass 😞

 

Would be nice if this stuff came naturally to me but at least I’m enjoying the learning process

[Batya33]

Is this intended for me? I can’t think how any of my posts have given you this impression. I can’t relate to this at all. I’d say my feelings on dating are quite the opposite of what you have suggested.

 

I was referring to how to tell if someone is interested (attracted) by their messages, due to the fact I’m socially retarded and even the most obvious social clues and social common sense eludes me. This confirmed by the common sense solution of suggesting a meet in person evading me 🤣

 

This guy kept messaging me at length which to me suggests interest but he also wasn’t asking a great deal of questions and hadn’t paid me the usual compulsory compliment to indicate interest so I was somewhat confused as to his interest level. Easily rectified by suggesting a meet!

 

I know better now but no doubt I’ll be back again in 5 minutes for more help navigating the foggy dating seas with no interpersonal compass 😞

 

Would be nice if this stuff came naturally to me but at least I’m enjoying the learning process

 

I wouldn't try to gague any kind of romantic or potential romantic interest from typing from a stranger. Here is what is needed as far as evaluation - is this person interested in meeting in person ASAP to see if there is potential romantic interest enough to go on a first date. If you are interested in speaking on the phone with this person, message him and arrange for a call. During the call evaluate safety and interest in meeting for coffee to see if there is potential interest in a first date when you meet. No need to evaluate anything else.

[katrina1980]

It's not so much gauging romantic interest or feeling any sort of romantic "connection" prior to meeting; I can only speak for myself but for me it's more like developing a "rapport" (mutual) so it doesn't feel so much like meeting a total "stranger."

 

It also saves time and energy cause geez if a man and I can't have a decent chat on line and develop a nice rapport, there is no way we are gonna click/connect in person.

 

NOT gonna happen, not for me and I've done it that way and it never worked.

 

Man I am dating now and I messaged for about two weeks prior to meeting which included a short break.

 

Again just me but if I had met him *without* having established that rapport first, chances are I would have felt so awkward, nervous and tongue-tied, nothing much would have happened.

 

Had I met him *spontaneously* at a party or out and about would be different as there is no pressure, it's all very spontaneous which makes for an easier and more relaxing time chatting and getting to know.

 

On line is completely different, at least for me.

 

As to "words on a screen" well unless you're chatting with a robot, there is a real live person typing those words on a screen, compete with a personality, feelings and emotions, which at least in my experience, can often shine through via how they express themselves via those "words on a screen."

 

I've clicked with men on line, *not* suggesting that it will *always* translate to clicking in person, of course not, but it definitely helps.

 

Just me, of course everyone is different with different styles and preferences -- thornz do whatever works for you, makes you the most comfortable.

 

I understand what you and cat are saying Batya, but please understand that for some of us, chatting a bit prior (no longer than a week or two tops depending on schedules) in order to gauge "rapport" first is preferable and even necessary otherwise the in-person meet will be a total bust.

 

Good luck thornz and most important, have fun with it!

[Batya33]

I am a great writer and great at expressing myself online. And great at interacting online. And in my experience which appears to be typical very often the rapport on line had nothing to do with any kind of romantic connection or chemistry or potential romantic chemistry. And looks was the least of the reasons and often not a reason at all. From what I understand my experience was fairly typical. That's why I chatted by phone around 20-30 minutes to see if we had enough rapport to meet in person for about an hour, and for safety reasons. That was more relevant than online typed words and also gave me a lot more information about safety and whether he'd been honest about what he wrote in his profile-the facts - which to me was also related to safety (i.e. if he'd lied about his marital status my first impression was that he had a much higher chance of being a shady character, and I didn't date married or "separated" men).

 

I definitely met platonic friends where our on line chatting was very relevant to whether we could be platonic friends in real life.

[catfeeder]

 

I was referring to how to tell if someone is interested (attracted) by their messages,

 

Until you meet, messages are irrelevant.

[katrina1980]

Until you meet, messages are irrelevant.

 

That is absolutely not true across the board for everyone.

 

Why don't we let thornz experiment with this so as to determine what's most comfortable for her.

 

As far as one way being the more typical, well, from those *I* have spoken with, chatting prior (from a couple of days to a week or two TOPS), and developing a rapport and comfort level, prior to meeting is fairly typical.

 

This is not one size fits all, so many different styles and nuances to consider.

 

Again, have fun with it thornz, and try to not take it all so seriously! I didn't and ended up clicking with the second guy I met!

 

I must have chatted with at least 15 guys prior to meeting him, and met one man before meeting him too, and knew those guys weren't for me simply by exchanging a few messages!

 

What a waste of time it would have been had I not done so, and actually met up with them, ugh.

 

Also, instead of trying to figure out if they have an interest, focus on the mutual rapport you have with each other.

 

It's not him having an interest in meeting or you having an interest in meeting, it's BOTH of you wanting to meet!

[thornz]

Until you meet, messages are irrelevant.

 

I think it’s a good way for me to get some measure of whether they meet basic requirements and try weed out the weirdos. Personally I have picked up on some things via messages that I might not have noticed in person.

 

What’s the idea when meeting? Just to see if there is mutual interest to meet again?

[katrina1980]

I think it’s a good way for me to get some measure of whether they meet basic requirements and try weed out the weirdos. Personally I have picked up on some things via messages that I might not have noticed in person.

 

What’s the idea when meeting? Just to see if there is mutual interest to meet again?

 

To gauge in-person chemistry.

 

Developing a rapport prior is great (and necessary for some of us) but until you meet in person, there is no way to determine whether or not that chemistry/click will there.

 

Which, as I'm sure you already know, is different from simply finding them attractive from their pics.

[thornz]

I think everyone is offering valid points.

 

Much like Katrina I have absolutely zero desire to hand my number straight out to arrange a meet up with guys that message me (or who I message). Not because I want to build a rapport but because I’ve found even a brief number of messages over a period of days reveals enough about someone to know they’re not a match at all.

 

Hardly a waste of time to find that out in the comfort of my own home than making the effort to meet to be like damn! If I’d only messaged this guy a few times I could have asked that.

 

I also agree that to endlessly message for weeks on end about trivial stuff is a waste of time so I will knock it off with the essays.

 

I think what’s best for me is to keep it brief as suggested but continue to use it as a screening process, rather than to attempt to get to know more than the basics and that minimum requirements are met.

 

For me meeting ASAP is not smart even if it was my personal preference since I am looking to meet someone close to my home town which is a 2 hour 100mile round trip that I have neither the time, money nor inclination to do for someone I haven’t screened to some degree. I certainly wouldn’t expect them to come all the way to me.

 

I will be looking in person on the occasions I am home but for now online is an option and if I don’t meet anyone before I move back in around a year it’s not enough of a deal for me to rush the process.

 

At this point all the guys I have messaged or messaged back (about ten) have not got past the screening process or made more than a suggestion of meeting even when I have provided my number, telling them to call me to arrange a chat/meet.

 

An update on the guy who this post was initially regarding. He suggested a meet, even got so far as suggesting a venue, I gave him my number and told him to call to arrange a date with me.

 

So far he has messaged me a few times mostly talking about himself, not asking about me and not setting up a date. At this point I am perceiving him to be self absorbed and a waste of my time. I will tell him I’m not seeing it progressing so adios! 🙄

[thornz]

To gauge in-person chemistry.

 

Developing a rapport prior is great (and necessary for some of us) but until you meet in person, there is no way to determine whether or not that chemistry/click will there.

 

Which, as I'm sure you already know, is different from simply finding them attractive from their pics.

 

Oh I never really experience that click and I don’t only talk to people who I find attractive in pics. Initial attraction is way down my priority list, that can grow for me. I suppose it’s likely important to them though so I guess they get to find out.

[Cope]

Texting is a great way to get to know a person nowadays. I can tell A LOT from texting and moreso if I have access to their FB page. I don't know if the fact that I've been chatting online for the last 18 years helps.

 

I can almost tell from their profile where the conversation will lead. Almost.

For me it would take about 5 days to maximum 2 weeks (if you include the inconvenience of meeting due to work etc), until we set up a date. I have never had a bad date. Not all turned into a relationship of any kind, but I had fun on all and I've been doing this for a year.

 

I have met men way earlier than 5 days because I actually questioned my "abilities"to screen men over texting due to this forum. Can't say it went well considering the outcome. 1 failed LD of 4 months and the guy I'm seeing now for the last 2-3 months, well, don't know if I will see him again.

 

Best "relationship" I still have with an online guy, we texted for a little bit over a month prior to meeting due to distance.

 

I guess both approaches worked for me, but I do ask a lot of questions right from the beginning so I can get to know the person.

 

Bottom line is the same with the top. You can tell a lot about a person when communicating online. Look at us here.

[thornz]

Texting is a great way to get to know a person nowadays. I can tell A LOT from texting and moreso if I have access to their FB page. I don't know if the fact that I've been chatting online for the last 18 years helps.

 

I can almost tell from their profile where the conversation will lead. Almost.

For me it would take about 5 days to maximum 2 weeks (if you include the inconvenience of meeting due to work etc), until we set up a date. I have never had a bad date. Not all turned into a relationship of any kind, but I had fun on all and I've been doing this for a year.

 

I have met men way earlier than 5 days because I actually questioned my "abilities"to screen men over texting due to this forum. Can't say it went well considering the outcome. 1 failed LD of 4 months and the guy I'm seeing now for the last 2-3 months, well, don't know if I will see him again.

 

Best "relationship" I still have with an online guy, we texted for a little bit over a month prior to meeting due to distance.

 

I guess both approaches worked for me, but I do ask a lot of questions right from the beginning so I can get to know the person.

 

Bottom line is the same with the top. You can tell a lot about a person when communicating online. Look at us here.

 

Yes I absolutely agree, I think just from reading a profile I have a decent idea of what they might be like and in the multiple occasions I decided to talk to a guy regardless of my reservations, they turned out to be right. Sometimes however it takes a little while of exchanges for the weirness or incompatibilities to surface.

 

There is also the added bonus of not needing to go out meeting strangers every day because you are screening in person rather than via message. I would find that far more exhausting than messaging daily. I can message multiple men in a day. I can’t meet many without having a nervous break 🤣

[thornz]

I think in some ways I can be quite perceptive, I’m learning to trust my gut more rather than second guess myself and give the benefit of the doubt multiple times

[Cope]

There is also the added bonus of not needing to go out meeting strangers every day because you are screening in person rather than via message. I would find that far more exhausting than messaging daily. I can message multiple men in a day. I can’t meet many without having a nervous break 🤣

 

 

Amen!

I once had a guy text me hi, asked me what I do for a living and then texted me goodmorning everyday for about 4 days. I think I replied with a good morning for the first two, no follow up from him, just goodmornings. Then he asked me out. I said "I don't think we'll have a good time if we go out, just look at our chat." 😂

 

I did ask him questions too, just to be clear, he gave one word answers.

 

Had another one, kinda interesting, I was in the mood for a fun date at that time, he was persistent on going out right away. He mistakenly posted a photo of him with his wedding ring still on. Oh dear.

[Batya33]

I think it’s a good way for me to get some measure of whether they meet basic requirements and try weed out the weirdos. Personally I have picked up on some things via messages that I might not have noticed in person.

 

What’s the idea when meeting? Just to see if there is mutual interest to meet again?

 

If your purpose in meeting is to see if you should go on a first date then the purpose is to see if you will plan a first date. I almost always let the guy ask me out. If he didn't plan a time/place date at the end of the first meet I assumed there would be no first date. Then if he called and asked me out I would go if I was still interested and available. But that realistic mindset let me move on and meet other people. Sometimes I met more than one person in a day.