Paranoid he's going to cheat while on vacation.

[jj347]

To give some back story, me and my guy have been dating for 2 years. It's been a little rocky and we recently decided to not see each other anymore. That lasted for all of like 3 days. We both missed each other because, well, we love each other. For a little while, it's been this weird thing where he says that we are together, but we aren't together. That our relationship is still "in limbo." And that he has no interest in seeing other guys or seeking anything else out. That we are seeing each other and nobody else. I find it utterly stupid. If we aren't seeing other people and only seeing each other, then we are dating. There is no in between. Either you are with someone or you aren't.

 

Anyways, next month he is taking a vacation. He is going back to Philadelphia (where he used to live) for 4 days. He is apparently getting a hotel in the "gayborhood," as they call it. He already has his plane ticket and is going alone. I felt weird about that and asked him if he would mind if I went with him. He said he would think about it, but then almost immediately after saying that, he then said that he would rather go alone. That it's been over 3 years since he's taken a vacation and that he was looking forward to just doing this by himself and having that time to himself. And that he loves going to bars just people watching and stuff like that.

 

I just have this really strange feeling about the whole thing. He has never cheated on me. I honestly really do not believe he has ever done that, especially since he has a really strong moral code against cheating. It's the #1 betrayal in his book and he always said that it's his only deal breaker. But I still have such a strange feeling. Our relationship is apparently "in limbo" in his head, but at the same time, we are only seeing each other. But him getting a hotel in the "gayborhood" and going out to bars while in Philly makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. Like, what if he does drink just a little too much and gets hit on by another guy. And because he has had a little too much to drink, his judgment is impaired and does go back and hook up with another guy. Especially since we aren't having sex right now. We legitimately have not had sex in over 3 months.

 

I'm beyond paranoid about it. I don't believe he would ever intentionally cheat on me, but at the same time, I'm so worried about him drinking too much and being surrounded by other gay men drinking too much and potentially hitting on him and hooking up. I just don't know what to do. When he said that he would rather go alone, he even said to me "If what you are worried about me is hooking up with someone else, you don't need to. I don't have any interest in that. I'm not seeking anything out." He's says that to me, but it doesn't matter. I still have this huge pit in my stomach. He's going in like 3 weeks and I just don't know how to get past this feeling. It sucks.

 

The thing is, he has NEVER given me any reason to not trust him. I don't think he's ever cheated on me nor do I think that he plans on going on vacation and trying to find hook ups. I legitimately believe that he simply wants to go on vacation by himself because all he does is work and never has any time to himself. It's understandable. I get it. It's his personality. I've always known that about him. And yes, it's obvious I have trust issues. I can't deny that. It just sucks having trust issues when the person you're with has never done you wrong like that. But regardless, deep down, you can't shake that paranoid feeling. Ugh.

[DanZee]

Uh-huh. Well, it sounds like he's decided to go full gay to me. He's going on the down-low, or whatever they call it. The fact that you haven't had sex with you in 3 months kind of backs that up. He's stopped being intimate. The relationship was over 3 months ago.

 

I think you have to be strong enough to stop seeing this guy and break up for real. Go no contact. Stop going out with him. He's already broken up with you. Apparently his confusion has to do with his sexual preference and not really anything about the relationship. You suspect this too or else you wouldn't have written this post.

 

Stop wasting your time. Call a halt to this strange dance and move on.

[boltnrun]

Um, I think this is a same sex relationship. OP, is this correct or am I wrong?

[jj347]

Um, I think this is a same sex relationship. OP, is this correct or am I wrong?

 

Yes, you are correct. Lol

[Hollyj]

I'm not clear on the status of your relationship?

[boltnrun]

Problem is, if you're not officially"together", it wouldn't be cheating if he hooked up with someone else.

 

I don't think it's the trip per se that's making you anxious; I'd guess it's more the uncertain status of your relationship.

[MissCanuck]

Problem is, if you're not officially"together", it wouldn't be cheating if he hooked up with someone else.

 

I don't think it's the trip per se that's making you anxious; I'd guess it's more the uncertain status of your relationship.

 

Bingo. I was coming to write the same thing.

 

OP, I think your relationship is going to remain "in limbo" until he meets someone else. I'm sorry, but I think it's over between you and has been for a while.

[Keyman]

Just because you only stopped seeing each other for 3 days, does not take away the fact that it happened and it is on both of your minds. The tears in this relationship appear to have already begun and if you are in limbo, then it might be too late to repair those tears. Relationships that go into limbo tend to stay there until one of the partners finds a better option and takes it, or when one of the partners calls it quits permanently. Note how there was not a getting back together option there.

 

If he has headed off to this gaybourhood (I'm in the UK so U all the way!) they he may very likely be looking for that option. AND, sorry to say, all the wishing, hoping and paranoia is not going to change that.

[Batya33]

I agree with everyone else. If I genuinely wanted a weekend or vacation away from my spouse (and yes, I may do so in the future -sounds fun!) I would not pick, for example, a singles resort. Nor would I do a girls weekend as my choice where the focus was to go out to bars and for the single ladies to meet guys. I would go either somewhere I've always wanted to travel to and/or to visit a specific friend or to some kind of spa retreat if that was my mood. He is targeting a gay neighborhood because he wants to keep his options open. He can hook up with someone else and it won't be cheating. No paranoia here -that is the reality part of it. If you two were solid he wouldn't pick that particular location to go to alone. And yes if he picked a neutral location and you were solid I wouldn't call you paranoid but I'd say you have trust issues most likely. You don't have trust issues. You have relationship issues. Let him go -on the vacation and go and be free to do whatever. And you do whatever. I'm sorry this is so disappointing. Good luck.

[maew]

Problem is, if you're not officially"together", it wouldn't be cheating if he hooked up with someone else.

 

I don't think it's the trip per se that's making you anxious; I'd guess it's more the uncertain status of your relationship.

 

This all the way. For sure if my partner and I weren’t having sex, our relationship was in limbo, and he went on a vacation without me, to a place where temptations were all over the place, I would be insecure too.

 

I think you deserve to have a “straight” answer from him one way or the other about the status of this relationship. If he won’t give that to you, don’t think for a minute you have to wait around for him to decide... you get to decide what you want for yourself.