Need some advice please. Ex. Contacted me

[Cqc]

So after a month NC my ex contacted me. Like just now. I’m not really sure what to do. It’s not I want you back Text but that he’s in trouble and wants to talk. I want to be there for him and I’m happy that he’s has contacted me I just don’t really know what to. I’m freaking out. Can someone point me in the right direction. I’m not thinking clearly.

[sputnik123]

What does it say?

[Cqc]

That someone accused him on instagram of being gross. But I know him and I know that’s not true. He called like 5 times after the Text. I answered. I don’t know why he needed to talk to me. He just said he didn’t know what to do and they he should go to the police. So now I broke NC and I’m not anywhere where I want to be.

[Cqc]

I feel like sh** right now. I was doing so well

[ControlDenied]

Tell him your unable to be there for him. Then find a distraction.

[Hollyj]

If you block and delete you won't have to deal with this.

 

You are no longer his partner, he needs to turn to another.

[Cqc]

I f-ed up so bad guys!! I went over there while he was there to get some things and see my cats. It hurt so bad. All I wanted was to be with him again. I miss him and I’m so mad at him. I was doing so well before he called me.

 

We talked like nothing happened but I knew it didn’t mean anything. I left before I started bawling my eyes and begging for him back. I guess I’ve got a little stronger since the breakup.

 

I’m just hurt all over. I have so much stuff there and being there just breaks my heart every time. He told me his friend is moving in for the summer. I feel like dying right now. I was doing so well.

 

I don’t have many people to talk to about this. Thank you to everyone reaching out. It’s means so much.

[Hollyj]

Take a friend and get your stuff out of there. It's been a month. Stop drawing this out.

 

Then, you block him. The process of healing will then begin.

[Cqc]

I need to just get everything out of there. I’m not someone he can just call when sh** hits the fan. How is that fair to me. I’m stupid for going over there. But I feel like I have a little bit of closure now.

 

I was doing so well too. I’m so upset at myself.

[Hollyj]

Honey, you are not his therapist. He can turn to friends or family for his problems. He was being very selfish.

 

Get you sh*t out of that house. Why is it taking so long?

[MissCanuck]

Honey, you are not his therapist. He can turn to friends or family for his problems. He was being very selfish.

 

Get you sh*t out of that house. Why is it taking so long?

 

Agreed with all of the above.

 

You have to get your belongings out of there immediately. This can't continue.

[Cqc]

It’s taking so long cause I have so much stuff there. It’s part my fault for dragging it on. Every time I go there to get my things ( when he is gone) I end up in tears.

I thought maybe there was a chance for us but after this I just realize that he is being selfish.

Why would he call me to say that to me. I’m always there for him but that was before, when we were together. I’ve been so strong since we broke up and not contacting him. Being there as just people who know each other was really weird and upsetting. I felt like I was in a different world. I was doing so well before this and now I feel like I’m back to the beginning.

[Hollyj]

It doesn't matter! Now, you know that you should not respond.

 

You need to focus on getting your stuff out! Take a friend and get it done.

[Cqc]

I’m trying to be strong. It’s been a struggle, a really hard struggle but I was getting through it. And then he had to come and mess it all up.

 

I’m so sick of feeling this way. I was finally starting to get better. I was going out and meeting guys and going to the gym and bettering myself. Now I feel like I’m back at square one. Miserable and alone.

 

Seeing him in the house we use to share together just brought back so many memories. We had so much fun together. I still can’t believe it’s over. I wish he never contacted me. I wouldn’t be sitting here crying right now.

 

I want him back I want what he had back. I feel like I’m never going to find anyone again and if I do I won’t be fully invested. I’ll just be thinking about my ex.

 

I know people do it all the time. Move on from bigger and better relationships but I just don’t know if I have it in me. These ups and downs will be the death of me.

[Hollyj]

You should not be dating. You should be moving your stuff and healing form a LTR.

 

Yes. You will find someone, but you should not date for about a year. You may also want to consider counseling.

 

 

Move your stuff! Stop making this harder on yourself.

[Cqc]

I’m not dating. That’s not something I want to do for a while. I’m just saying that I went out and talked to boys.

I know I need to get my stuff out of there but something is always stopping me from going there. I just hate all the emotions that come with this.

 

I have 5 years of things there from clothes to kitchen and bath stuff. It hurts so much to admit that this is finally over but I know I shouldn’t be holding on for so long especially something that will probably never happen.

 

It just doesn’t seem real right now. I’m so mad that he contacted me. My heart is breaking all over again.

[Hollyj]

I know it hurts, but you are only prolonging your pain.

 

You need to accept that it is over. If you had someone help you, you could get this done.

 

Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

I’m not dating. That’s not something I want to do for a while. I’m just saying that I went out and talked to boys.

I know I need to get my stuff out of there but something is always stopping me from going there. I just hate all the emotions that come with this.

 

I have 5 years of things there from clothes to kitchen and bath stuff. It hurts so much to admit that this is finally over but I know I shouldn’t be holding on for so long especially something that will probably never happen.

 

It just doesn’t seem real right now. I’m so mad that he contacted me. My heart is breaking all over again.

 

Yes, it's an awful feeling. Many of us have been where you are and have had to separate our belongings from years' worth of cohabitation. It's a lot to go through and it's hard.

 

Unfortunately, you're going to have to do it anyway. Bring a friend or family member with you to help. Do what you need to at least physically remove yourself from that place, in terms of reclaiming your belongings. Leaving them there longer is prolonging your own pain, and it doesn't make the break-up less real.

 

No, he shouldn't have called you for support. That was ridiculous on his part. In his mind, you are his friend so he feels he has the right to lean on you with his problems. Hopefully now you've both learned that is not a realistic or healthy move in the aftermath of a break-up. He has to start turning to other people rather than falling back on you when he isn't trying to get back together.

[Cope]

I completely agree with everyone; nothing to add. I just want to post to tell you I understand it's hard but don't beat yourself over breaking NC; it's for you to heal. So what? He texted you and you caved in. It happens. It's ok! It does draw you back a bit, but you are still on your healing path so don't worry! If you never want this to happen again, I would suggest blocking him as the others did. When you feel better you can unblock him (if you ever remember to do so, yes you will get to that point).

 

Do take a friend(s) with you and get your stuff out of there! Don't try to do it alone again! Like MissCanuck said, it's only prolonging the pain! Having your stuff there is like having a piece of you still hanging on.

 

It will get better again, I promise!! Hug!

[Wiseman2]

Didn't your mother recommend going to a therapist? Isn't that someone to talk to? It's not his fault for contacting you, he had to sooner or later to ask you to collect your things. Did you know after 30 days and his already contacting you that he can just toss all the stuff? You're annoyed it was for that rather than reconciliation. There's no reason to be mad at him. It's his place, he's worked full time all this time supporting you and you only working part-time, be mad at yourself for letting that go on for so long. That's the only way you can move forward and get a handle on your inertia and not looking for full time work or seeking to support yourself like an adult, that's not his fault either. That's why he broke up in the first place. Perhaps therapy can help with your distress and gaining some insight into your need to blame everyone for your unhappiness, and why you don't take responsibility for yourself and your life.

I’m so mad at him. I was doing so well before he called me. I have so much stuff there and being there just breaks my heart every time. He told me his friend is moving in for the summer. I don’t have many people to talk to about this.

[11moreweeks]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Stay strong and you will get through this. I definitely think that was very selfish and inconsiderate of him.

 

I don't know if this will make you feel better (hopefully it does), but I'm really glad you shared this with us. I've been telling myself that I would be there for my ex if something was hurting her, even though we're broken up.. but.. honestly, I already offered her unconditional love, devotion, and unconditional support through whatever faces her in life by wanting to salvage our late relationship. Getting through tough parts together, especially getting through supposedly "lost feelings" if they arise (as they did for me for a while 2 years ago), is par for the course in a long-term relationship. One of the benefits of a long-term, committed relationship is having that person who understands you and will be there for you through anything, with unconditional support, understanding, empathy, acceptance, and a lack of judgement.

 

And because my ex broke the relationship she had with me, I'll have to say that if she reaches out to me over something like this.. I'm going to have to tell her that she chose to lose my support.

 

I don't think it's very likely that she'll need my support through something, just because I don't think it's likely that something will happen to her anytime soon that makes her need to reach out, and I also hope that nothing bad happens to her, but I need to stop telling myself that I'll be there for her if such-and-such happens.

 

Cqc, your... mistake? (it's hard to call anything a mistake after a breakup, every situation is unique) has given me a bit more insight into my own path and guidelines to follow. If nothing else, sharing your story may encourage a bit more mindfulness and prevent a bit more suffering in another dumpee, and for that: Thank you.

[Cqc]

Thank you all for your input and thoughts. This process has been really hard for me. I was doing better before my ex contacted me. I didn’t expect him to contact me and if he did I wanted it to be a different reason.

 

I keep going back and fourth from being mad at him for reaching out to only talk about himself and the problem he was dealing with, to missing him so much I can’t stop crying.

 

I’m sure I will get back to where I was the other day but I just wish I didn’t have to start all over again. I feel like I was dumped all over again.

 

I can’t get those darn memories to stop playing in my head. I wish I could make it stop because it’s whats causing me the most pain.

 

I know I’m overthinking here and jumping the gun but I’ve known his family for 20 years and for the last 20 years I have spent Xmas eve with his family and mine. I know it’s so early to tell how I will feel but thinking about me not being there this year is making me sick. I miss so much about our relationship.

 

I’m kinda passed that point of thinking we will get back together. It hurts more and it’s stopping me from moving on. It’s just not fair of him to do that to me. I was weak and I felt bad so I responded to him. I shouldn’t of and I kinda wish I didn’t.

 

It hurts so much and if anyone could please share a happy story about how they over came a long term relationship I would really love to hear it.

 

I feel like I’m recovering from this break up but also having to get use to not seeing his parents and spending time at our favorite places. I know time heals all wounds but I just don’t see how?

 

Thank yoi

[boltnrun]

Are you keeping your belongings at his place because you're hoping he'll ask you to get back together and move back in?

 

He had the opportunity to do that when he contacted you, but he didn't.

 

If that is your tactic, it's not working. It probably isn't going to work.

 

What things are you doing differently to help yourself move forward? Because sitting at home hoping he asks you to come back isn't productive toward getting yourself into a better place.

 

I always ask...how long do you want to feel exactly as you do right now? Do you want to stay miserable or do you want to feel better?

 

I had to make changes in order to move forward from a breakup that hurt me. Of course, I had kids so I couldn't afford to just sit at home not working and wallowing in self-pity. I HAD to get out there and get things done. So, I told myself to suck it up and realize I was going to feel bad but that it wouldn't be forever. And it wasn't. I got over it, dated someone else, and when he came back years later wanting to start seeing me again I didn't want him. But I had to make the decision to move forward.

 

Get your belongings out of his house so you can block his number and all means he has to contact you. I guarantee you will not feel better as long as you are waiting for him to contact you.

[Cqc]

Boltnrun I think part of me was keeping there in hopes of getting back together but seeing him yesterday and him telling me his friend is moving in makes me realize that it is over. I know I need to get my things out of there I just get so overwhelmed with all the things I have and the fact that it’s not my house anymore and all that.

 

Right now I honestly feel like I will never recover from this. He was such a big part of my life. Him and his family and all the things we did together. His parents were so close to me. I miss him so much.this just seems so surreal. I never thought this would ever happen. I feel so alone and broken. No matter how many people I hangout with it still just isn’t the same and I’m still feeling alone.

I feel betrayed by someone who said they loved me and wanted to spend their life with me. I feel like I’m not good enough because the one person who accepted me for who I was and loved me no longer loves or cares about me enough to stay with me.

 

I know I don’t know what he’s really thinking but I feel like I’m the one doing all this suffering and uprooting my life and things and he just gets to sit back and live his life without these feelings.

 

I really was doing okay before he contacted me. And now I’m back to how I felt when we first broke up. All these stupid memories rushing in my head, the depression, the body aches, everything. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I wish there was a switch I could just turn it off.

[boltnrun]

What are you doing differently to help yourself move on?

 

What do you have going on that you are too overwhelmed to go get your belongings? Are you super busy with work, school, family crises or something else that you don't have time to get this over with?

 

Or are you just trying to delay it because you believe as long as your belongings are there that means you will be back there too someday?

 

Leaving your things there isn't going to change the fact that you are unfortunately not part of his family any more. It's just a tie that you are choosing to keep to him.

 

I can guarantee that as long as you insist on prolonging getting this over with you will continue to be miserable.