Need some advice please. Ex. Contacted me

[Cqc]

Before my ex called and texted me I was doing somewhat okay, not like I am today. Since the breakup I have started to see a therapist, I got myself back into the gym, making more time for friends and family, applying for some jobs. Not to use as an excuse but I have anxiety so trying new things is hard but I am doing it and I’m trying to better myself. With or without my ex.

 

I’m overwhelmed by the amount of things I have there. I lived there for 5 years and the majority of things there are mine. Like the kitchen things since I bought all those things and the bedroom stuff. My ex bought all the bigs things like furniture.

 

I also think a reason that I’m taking so long is I have two cats there and I feel as long as my stuffs there I can go see them ( while my ex isn’t there). He is okay with me going there when he isn’t. So I feel like if I move all my stuff out I don’t have an excuse to go there. I like going there to see my cats cause I love and miss them but being there is also emotional for me.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's told you repeatedly that he's miserable about your refusal to get full time work, get help for your depression and be more independent. In fact he sought therapy, got healthy and got the courage to break up and end his misery. He has every right to do so because you are an adult and responsible for yourself. He doesn't have to uproot his life because it's his place and he worked hard to pay for it. He suffered for a long time because of your excessive dependency on him financially emotionally and socially and continual refusal to help yourself improve your situation. Why don't you take whatever belongings you really want/need and let him keep or buy what you can't fit in your mother's place?

I feel like I’m the one doing all this suffering and uprooting my life and things and he just gets to sit back and live his life without these feelings.

[MissCanuck]

I also think a reason that I’m taking so long is I have two cats there and I feel as long as my stuffs there I can go see them ( while my ex isn’t there). He is okay with me going there when he isn’t. So I feel like if I move all my stuff out I don’t have an excuse to go there. I like going there to see my cats cause I love and miss them but being there is also emotional for me.

 

And that would be the best possible thing for you now.

 

Sooner or later, there will come a point when he doesn't feel so comfortable with you just coming by whenever. He's sympathetic to you now, of course, but that will not continue indefinitely. He will at some point start implementing boundaries with you and restricting your access to his place.

 

You need to stop looking for excuses to go there if it's for any other reason than to pack and get your things out. I know it's hard, but you don't really have another option.

[Cqc]

Wiseman, I understand where you are coming from a little and I appreciate everyone’s advice cause a lot of it helps but it’s hard to base some things without knowing everything. I guess that is my fault cause it’s really hard to put 7.5 years in a couple of paragraphs.

 

I know I’m not perfect and I know there are things in my relationship that I could of done better but I didn’t and that’s on me. But my ex wasn’t perfect either. He had his flaws too.

 

All I know right now is how much pain I’m in. It hurts everywhere. And maybe someone say I will be better but right now it’s hard to even imagine my life without him. Not because I’m so dependent on him but because I loved him. I loved him despite his flaws and everything we’ve been through.

 

Before my ex contacted me the other day I felt okay. I still missed him a lot but I wasn’t in the state I’m in now, I could manage it. Right now I’m back to square one. Day one when he broke up with me and all those thoughts and emotions won’t stop.

 

I know it’s over but it’s just hard to think about since we were together one day and not the next. I still love him and I miss him and I’m dying inside every day. I hate this feeling. I just want to be happy. And yes I started doing things for myself and I can be happy at different moments. But overall I’m miserabel. I just didn’t think this could happen to us.

[Cqc]

I also guess part of me doesn’t want those things at his place cause they just remind me of him.

[11moreweeks]

Before my ex contacted me the other day I felt okay. I still missed him a lot but I wasn’t in the state I’m in now, I could manage it. Right now I’m back to square one. Day one when he broke up with me and all those thoughts and emotions won’t stop.

 

My story and "rate of moving on" with setbacks:

 

Beginning of November: Breakup

Heavy contact from mid-November through mid-January

November through December: 95% of my thoughts were about my ex

January: 80-90% of my thoughts were about my ex

First half of February: 50-60% of my thoughts were about my ex

Middle of February: A happy birthday text from my ex

3rd week of February: 90-95% of my thoughts were about my ex

4th week of February: 60-80% of my thoughts were about my ex

Present: Maybe 20-25% of my thoughts are about my ex.

 

 

As you can see.. initially, it took me a few months to get my thoughts away form my ex from "square one". After my setback from the birthday text (not as big as yours), it felt like I was at square one, but that passed much, much quicker.

 

Expect for yourself that this "square one" will only last a very short time compared to the true "square one"!

[Cqc]

11moreweeks thank you for sharing. I feel like this is a never ending battle.

Were there other parts of your realtionship that you miss or keep thinking about? I keep thinking about how much I miss his parents I think about all the things I will never get to do again that me and my ex did together. I really do miss him

[boltnrun]

If you're going to insist on sitting at home wallowing in misery and obsessing over the past and refusing to pick up your belongings, then yes, you will continue to be miserable.

 

It seems like you don't need those belongings that badly or you would have gone to get them already. So, either go get them today or just leave them forever.

 

You need to realize that at some point he will start dating again. And it's doubtful the woman he dates will be OK with you just coming over whenever you want, to "see the cats". The new woman will know what you're really there for.

 

The battle will end whenever you decide it will. Please, just go get your things today or tomorrow (as soon as you can line up someone to help you) or let them go. You are at the point where YOU are making yourself miserable, not him.

[Wiseman2]

How important are they? Why not just grab up stuff that means something to you and you need. He's getting a new roommate so you won't be allowed to go there just to visit after that. Don't respond to his contact. You'll start to rebuild and feel better the longer this is over and behind you.

I also guess part of me doesn’t want those things at his place cause they just remind me of him.