My wife saw that I was looking at backpage on my phone

[catawomb]

Like the title says, she caught me and I fessed up to most of everything and then eventually fessed to everything a couple hours later. I know that it is very easy to shift the blame out of denial, defensive reaction, shame, cowardice, etc. When you're at fault. But I want to share some things that I feel and contributed to why I chose to even entertain this avenue. Masturbate on to fill sex with your partner is not a good idea. Well, I thought it was.

 

Here goes:

 

She came home from work and I left my phone on the table. I totally forgot about it and as soon as she saw the ad I just told her the truth about how I'm looking at it because it does excite me. My wife and I are a younger couple with a nearly 3 year old daughter. Sex has pretty much disappeared. And just know sex is just sex for me. It's. Closeness and sharing something that makes our relationship different from every other relationship. She already has issues with penetration alone and now she performs oral on me from time to time. She does not let me please her nearly a 1/4 of the time she pleases me.

 

She thinks I screwed these girls and have been. I don't blame her and she has good reason to feel that way. I made a terrible decision no matter the circumstances. I went to see one, but I didn't want to see the hookers. I went to see a woman under the massage section. And the damned honest truth is that when I got there, met the girl, and sat down, I froze. I realized I wasn't just deceiving my wife and everything we've worked for, I realized I deceived myself into thinking it might be OK because I can compartmentalize it. I never questioned my love for wife, I never felt like I was running away, or trying to start a new life. I've honestly felt like I'm trying solve our problems on my own and it's terrible.

 

Any and all advice, criticism and harsh words would be appreciated. If she chooses to give me the opportunity to show her she can trust me I'll have a massive hill to get over before we can get to a place where we're both trying and feel it's worth it on both sides. The story is much longer but I'll spare the details for now. Just know that I would've told her I cheated if I did. But she feels I did by just going there. She says I should've just touched her or let her touch me. It's the same. But I feel as though I can't let her see it that way. I can understand that she feels that way and accept it. But I want her to understand from my perspective just for knowledge' sake. Not only for me, but for her as well. She needs to know how a decent person s things up. I caught myself and decided to go home without doing a thing.

 

She shows signs of wanting to stay but I can see she doesn't want to look stupid. And I don't blame her. I told her I can get out of the house and help her get on her feet if she doesn't want me. But she says she can never trust me and it kills me... I didn't do it but she says I did no matter how it's diced....

[thealchemist]

I am 30 and am married with a 3 yo daughter and a 5 month old son.

 

I bust my @ss to keep our sex life alive and well.

 

I honestly can't understand from your point of view.

 

I masturbate to make ends meet with our sex life and I am 100% ok with that. I have a monstrous libido compared to my wife's average one. It still wouldn't even be thought of as an option.

 

Not enough sex isn't a justification to me. I have had dry spells that made me nearly go crazy but I still wouldn't resort to that.

 

So my question is... Why?

 

Before you even try to work on anything with your partner you need to answer that question for yourself, because you don't even know if your relationship is viable without knowing the cause.

[Wiseman2]

All you can do is offer to attend marriage therapy and be willing to work on this. Also make her feel appreciated special and attractive by bringing some romance back.

[Pleasedonot5]

What you did is wrong - some would call it emotionally cheating. Definitely disloyal. Yet, you did not physically cheat.

 

The reasons behind your disloyalty were your lack of physical and emotional intimacy with your partner, and of course your own personal choice to pursue illicit excitement. The former is likely caused by her, seeing as how you crave the intimacy. Until you both figure out how to restore the trust and intimacy, or learn to be loyal despite your dissatisfaction with your sex life / emotional closeness, this problem will not go away.

[catawomb]

My post may sound a bit like it's not my fault. It is entirely. I can honestly say I've been slacking in many departments of our relationship. I bust my ass as well. I work a minimum of 10 hour days and I am not bothered by it. I can sense that I am not too happy with my individual life. I don't like the industry I'm in and I feel like it's not worth risking my income when I have a child. But to stay on topic, I have just tried to take care of everything for the family myself. I don't share my stress or express it. I think the masturbation also made me relocate how I get off. We have a lot of small problems that have been neglected for too long. We both focus on our daughter over everything else. I'm not looking for anyone to answer it for me. But I can definitely use some help. I want my family and I love my wife very much. It is difficult for me to find ways to be proactive. My mind just tears any attempt apart and makes me think I'm manipulating, being fake, not being true to myself.

 

I have wanted us to go to counseling since before we got engaged. I keep bringing it up and now she says I'm just trying to toss the problem onto the counselor. It's tough man. But I made it far worse. She can't trust me. Maybe she can give me another chance, but I can't force it. I will put 100% in and hope that she sees it.

[Wiseman2]

Ok. Go yourself and tell her you are going to fix your problem. It will help either way.

I have wanted us to go to counseling since before we got engaged. I keep bringing it up and now she says I'm just trying to toss the problem onto the counselor.

[abitbroken]

I went to see one, but I didn't want to see the hookers. I went to see a woman under the massage section. And the damned honest truth is that when I got there, met the girl, and sat down, I froze. I realized I wasn't just deceiving my wife and everything we've worked for, I realized I deceived myself into thinking it might be OK because I can compartmentalize it. I never questioned my love for wife, I never felt like I was running away, or trying to start a new life. I've honestly felt like I'm trying solve our problems on my own and it's terrible.

 

Sorry, but you cheated on your wife. You weren't just looking at pictures -- you contacted a woman for a happy ending. You thought nothing of bringing a disease home to the mother of your child. Don't you know that women's hormones change and chasing after a three year old doesn't usually make them feel sexy? They feel overtouched by little hands. Even if the little one goes to preschool, your wife is probably the primary caregiver. She may not feel very sexy now that her body has changed also. Have you tried getting a babysitter and having some intimacy that doesn't involve sex right away? Do you listen to your wife? Do you watch the kid so she can do some self care?

 

If you hate your job, find another one - whether that means you go back for training, you buy a cheaper car or whatever -- working 10 hours at a job you hate is not an excuse. Your wife is tired too -- with commute time she is with the child at least 11 hour or 12 hours a day that you are not.

 

Honestly, you do need counseling but your wife is partially right also if you are not willing to make some changes without seeing a counselor

[catawomb]

I'm not blaming my situation. I do talk with her and understand that life is demanding a lot more out of her than before we had a child. We talk but we don't see eye to eye on many things. I believe counseling would just help us negotiate our give and take policies. She doesn't believe in counseling and usually marginalizes that service as meaningless. We don't talk as much we could. But when we do, I do ask for perspective on how she feels or is feeling about everything. It feels as though talking doesn't make the change that our relationship needs.

 

And as arrogant as it may sound. A large part of not wanting to engage in sexual intercourse of any kind is due to the idea of introducing disease. I also feel that if I indulged in sexual intercourse with someone other than my partner, I am violating the most sacred. I know I violated her trust by going in the first place. But the only thing that makes me feel I am still deserving of her trust is that I did not commit to my selfish desire. I know if she decided to leave I will understand why. But I need her to know and feel it's best that she knows our relationship didn't cause this. She didn't cause this.

 

Thanks for the words of advice. Seeking counsel for myself seems like the obvious choice. I am really asking how I can go about salvaging our relationship. I have to try as long as I can without sucking her life away from her. I don't want to beat the horse if she knows it's dead. Only as long as she sees the possibility.

 

I can spend hours divulging the situation. But the main point is that I made a cowardly decision and sought out a pleasure that I should be building in my relationship. It's not about sex but I made it about that. Just need her see a man that failed and not a monster, for both of us.

[catawomb]

I do watch our child quite often. She works a couple hours in the evening a couple nights a week. I encourage her to make friends and plan things with them. She is very isolationist and pessimistic about many things. It's not a recipe for perfection given the entire context. But I know we're both capable of being far better than we are. I am struggling with how I can formulate our progress. Neither of us have a family we can lean on in times of need.

 

I have spent a great amount of time trying to understand our current situation. The hard part, for me, is how to change it. I felt marriage counseling would open many new doors for us. I have a few friends that I can share things with. But she doesn't have anyone and doesn't think anyone can help her. It's a tricky situation for us. I've just made everything far worse by instilling distrust in the one person she believed she could trust. It was not my intention but it is the result.

 

Only time will tell. I know my story could be painted as the typical man betrays woman yet again shtick. But it's not for me. There are way too many variables to acknowledge to polarize the situation that way.

[wom360]

So if you convince her to stay what do you get? More sexlessness and a substandard marriage. No thanks.

[catawomb]

I get my family and the chance to develop our marriage into something better. There are reasons for what's going on and they have solutions. They just need proper attention, participation, and reinforcement to attain them.

[catawomb]

We have had sexual intercourse a handful of times since the birth of our daughter. But it is an attempt at it and not the falling into one another, reveling in each other kind of sex. We have a lot going on and a lot of new responsibilities we've simply mismanaged and need to fix.

 

My disloyalty is an isolated event. I've never, ever cheated on anyone even remotely. So I'm trying, with everything that I am, to understand how I came to this. Masturbation was fine until 2 weeks ago. We've been together for about 5 years and we before we had a child, and all of the new responsibilities that come with it, we were close in all ways. I truly felt like I was keeping a beast away from what is more important. That my sexual urges are just that, mine. And that adding that to the list of things to be better at would cause unnecessary stress. But it just means I took my problems to someone else other than my partner.

[Lester]

"The story is much longer..."

- More details would help.

[Pleasedonot5]

So if you convince her to stay what do you get? More sexlessness and a substandard marriage. No thanks.

There is also this to consider. She doesn't seem that committed to you and your needs either - even before the disloyalty.

[catawomb]

What I mean by longer is that in order to truly understand how I ended up seeking pleasure elsewhere we have to understand the state of our relationship. In order to understand the state of our relationship I need to inject all context into the conversation. I didn't just wake up one day and think I want to destroy my relationship. That's why I believe self deceit is a large part of this problem and why I need to discover what it is I'm really doing or avoiding. I don't want to be known as a cheater because nowhere along the way did I feel I was cheating. It all felt too primal and vacant of any serious emotion. It's like I just wanted someone else to do the masturbation for me. It wasn't based on any emotional discontent mental. It just felt like going to get a hamburger. But I believe I deluded myself into feeling that way. The consequences of my actions exist whether my intentions are malicious or not. Deluding myself into feeling it was a, mostly, harmless choice is a huge red flag in terms of self awareness.

[thealchemist]

What I mean by longer is that in order to truly understand how I ended up seeking pleasure elsewhere we have to understand the state of our relationship. In order to understand the state of our relationship I need to inject all context into the conversation. I didn't just wake up one day and think I want to destroy my relationship. That's why I believe self deceit is a large part of this problem and why I need to discover what it is I'm really doing or avoiding. I don't want to be known as a cheater because nowhere along the way did I feel I was cheating. It all felt too primal and vacant of any serious emotion. It's like I just wanted someone else to do the masturbation for me. It wasn't based on any emotional discontent mental. It just felt like going to get a hamburger. But I believe I deluded myself into feeling that way. The consequences of my actions exist whether my intentions are malicious or not. Deluding myself into feeling it was a, mostly, harmless choice is a huge red flag in terms of self awareness.

Most people who cheat seek to mitigate the emotional hardship by delusions.

 

What you did I would without a doubt call cheating. Whether you were physical or not doesn't decide.

 

But it is also a form of cheating that I think can be worked through, which is saying something because I am typically zero tolerance on most of it.

 

You don't cheat unless you are unhappy with your relationship typically.

 

Are you unhappy solely from lack of sex and closeness with your SO?

 

Because I have been there before, I just tried working on it instead of seeking outside assistance.

 

Why did you turn from your SO instead to her for a problem like this?

[Pleasedonot5]

Seems like he turned away because of her dismissiveness towards his feelings.

 

Can we be more intimate? "No."

 

Can we have more sex? "No, [excuse]."

 

Can we go to counseling? "No, stop putting it on the counselor."

[thealchemist]

Then he needs to be more assertive with his wife.

 

It is in no way her fault he cheated.

 

It could easily be her fault that you seek to leave her because of that behavior, but not cheat.

 

It honestly sounds like he was a bit of a pushover with his requirements for happiness.

 

I wouldn't accept a "no" in those instances from my partner.

[catawomb]

I'll reply in length in a but. But to keep it short, I do not blame her for anything. But I think the alchemist is pointing in the right direction. I'm not trying to avoid my actions. I'm trying to find what it is I'm doing. Because even if she decides to leave me I still have to live with the choice I made. I have to be better than this.

[abitbroken]

And as arrogant as it may sound. A large part of not wanting to engage in sexual intercourse of any kind is due to the idea of introducing disease. I also feel that if I indulged in sexual intercourse with someone other than my partner, I am violating the most sacred. I know I violated her trust by going in the first place.

 

If cheating is violating the most sacred, why did even contacting the backpage woman cross your mind?

 

I do watch our child quite often. She works a couple hours in the evening a couple nights a week. I encourage her to make friends and plan things with them. She is very isolationist and pessimistic about many things. It's not a recipe for perfection given the entire context. But I know we're both capable of being far better than we are. I am struggling with how I can formulate our progress. Neither of us have a family we can lean on in times of need.

 

I have spent a great amount of time trying to understand our current situation. The hard part, for me, is how to change it. I felt marriage counseling would open many new doors for us. I have a few friends that I can share things with. But she doesn't have anyone and doesn't think anyone can help her. It's a tricky situation for us. I've just made everything far worse by instilling distrust in the one person she believed she could trust. It was not my intention but it is the result.

 

Only time will tell. I know my story could be painted as the typical man betrays woman yet again shtick. But it's not for me. There are way too many variables to acknowledge to polarize the situation that way.

 

Gee-- so you would cheat as long as you didn't bring her back a disease -- so dinner with another woman may not be out of the question for you.

 

If you watch the kids so she can work --- that's not relaxation for her --- that's going from one job to another. It doesn't "free her up". Do you participate with the kids when you are both home - not leaving her to always cook dinner 100% of the time or put them to bed?

I can understand why she thinks no one can help her --- her husband betrayed her. Unless she divorces you and finds a faithful man --- what is your solution for her? Are you ever sweet to her physically instead of just looking for sex?

 

When people get advice they don't want to hear, they often say "well, its not the whole story" -- to add details to somehow sway us. But we won't be swayed. You messed up And for a time the solution might not be - let's fix OUR problems and may be about YOU fixing your problems because you are the one that strayed. How do you prove to her that you will never stray again? The poor woman is in shock at the moment.

[abitbroken]

btw, your role right now is of the penitent husband, not "let's fix the stuff you need to fix, too."

[catawomb]

I came here so I could not think my way out of it. I'm owning up to what I did. I don't know what the consequences should be. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm trying to come up with a game plan to get her back. I have to make many strides.

 

It's all cheating, all of it. The moment you speak to the opposite sex, one that your partner is unaware of, about any type of marital problems, you're playing with fire.

 

I started to stay up extremely late on my days off. I would sit at home and start entertaining fantasies. I veered off when I started to look at backpage. Initially, just the idea of it excited me. Then my idea expanded into possibly calling. Then one night I called but didn't commit. And it just went 1,2, and 3. It all progressed to this point in under 3 weeks.

 

When we do give each other attention I try to be sweet. A huge deterrent, for me, is our daughter. My daughter stays up till 2am typically. And I try to stay up with them but it has caused me to be late to work a couple times. The fact that there is zero adult time doesn't help. I can talk about before I chose to do what I did. But it doesn't solve the situation.

 

I came here to begin the process of repairing the damage I've done and start fixing my problems.

 

Idk how to prove it to her. I can allow her to monitor my activities but that may cause more issues down the road. Trust isn't about knowing, it's about faith.

 

I tell her she can go out and I'll watch our daughter. I have no quarrels with her going out. She has made plans to leave town for a night to go to a concert or a gem fair/event. But when it comes time for her to go, she doesn't want to. She says she doesn't want to leave her baby. I always felt it was normal, to a degree, that she doesn't want to leave our daughter.

 

I make suggestions about taking our daughter to daycare, even if for a few hours and she is completely against it. If our daughter is throwing a nasty fit I am assertive and attack the issue. She doesn't like the way I deal my daughters behavior and tells me to leave her alone. It feels as though we have 2 vastly different parenting strategies. She comes from a physically abusive household and I come from an extremely neglectful one. I have no problem with taking a load off her shoulders. I always try. See works and I don't put any bills on her. She pays what she wants to pay. If she covers a bill because I'm at work or something, I pay her back. She doesn't like the idea of sharing money. And she is quite stubborn when it comes to certain things, as I too am quite stubborn.

 

I can say that perhaps a part of the reason I had strayed is that I've tried to chisel away at our smaller, but many, problems been met with resistance, and after some time, just felt burnt out or out of ideas as to how to correct our dilemmas. I don't see the things going on as a blame game, but rather what problems are being created from these smaller problems.

 

I'm trying to be there for her as much as I can now, even though she probably is disgusted by me. Idk if I need to leave her alone for now. But I see how hurt she is and I just want to keep her from falling apart. I've said all I can and made myself totally available to help her keep her wits about her. I've already seen that she is planning on disappearing with our daughter. Her sister has been planning to move out here for a week now. And my wife told me her sister asked if she wanted to go back to Oregon with her. She told me she couldn't do that because of our daughter. Which I understand her sister wants to be there. I had a funny feeling about it. And I saw in her phone that her and her sister are conspiring to vanish when her sister gets here. I took photos of it just to protect myself. I don't plan on saying anything unless she actually does go through with it. I know she's in pain and may feel like punishing me the way she sees fit. This is a bit off topic but I am stunned about it. Just as she was when she found out about this.

 

She is a tough woman. I haven't tried hard enough, and I haven't been creative nor persistent enough to push our relationship in the right direction.

 

And it's not about sex, I don't make it about sex. I want to be able to just cuddle, or even watch a movie together even if we're sitting on opposite sides of the living room. We don't engage with each other all that much. Smaller problems have added up and are taking a toll. I strayed away, took the cowards way out, didn't confront the issues appropriately.

 

I am seeing the picture here. But now I have to earn her trust back before I can mend any of the other problems.

 

This is a process. So if I sound arrogant, stubborn, full of sh** or anything like that it is just my way of trying to understand why I've done this. I get that I'm a turd for what I did, but that doesn't solve a thing.

 

I've never been the type of guy to look at other women. Or even attempt to treat women that way. So it's a lot to wrap my head around.

[chitown9]

It sounds like your wife is planning to take your daughter to another state without your permission. I think that should be what you focus on NOW. I would consult with an attorney about that before she actually does it. I wouldn't wait for her to do it. :eek:chi

[catawomb]

OK, so last night we had sex and it seemed all too surreal. I'm not sure what it means for her. But I'm not taking it lightly. I feel perhaps she is saying that we are able to do these things. Maybe saying it's no excuse. She said we cannot kiss and that she wants me to meet her needs regardless. But she insisted on sexual intercourse. Perhaps a woman can shed some light on what it means...

[chitown9]

OK, so last night we had sex and it seemed all too surreal. I'm not sure what it means for her. But I'm not taking it lightly. I feel perhaps she is saying that we are able to do these things. Maybe saying it's no excuse. She said we cannot kiss and that she wants me to meet her needs regardless. But she insisted on sexual intercourse. Perhaps a woman can shed some light on what it means...

 

I think that it means that she is trying to get you to loose focus on what you should be focused on....which is her plans to take your child to another state. :eek:chi