Recent divorcee and lost kids

[BentReality]

Hi there. I've recently met the most amazing guy. We hit it off extremely well right from day one. My only kinda issue is he is newly divorced and in his prior relationship has 3 children all of whom were taken by cps and despite his best efforts were placed with an adoptive family. He has been very open and honest with me about it all and answers any question I have. My friends are telling me to run because he just has too much baggage. They are also saying that having him around my son is a risk because he's lost kids in the past. Now he's been around my son and my normally very shy kid warmed up to this guy quickly. My dogs also go so crazy happy when he comes around. I'm just feeling so confused. I don't wanna lose my friends because they dont like this guys history but i also dont want to lose him. Help.

[DanZee]

Well, where is the mother in all this? Did he have custody and lost them or did she have custody and lose them? And what was the reason for losing the kids? I think that has a lot to do with what might happen to your son. You need to know a bit more about him before giving up on him.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with DanZee. Trust your friends they have your back and have very valid points. Never leave your friends or jeopardize your son for some superficially charming johnny-come-lately. He may be "open and honest", but you are only hearing what he wants to tell you. He should not be around your son anyway if you "recently met". Have you checked his background objectively via court records, etc.? Is he a pedophile, child abuser, drug user, etc? You don't know for a fact and he's not going to volunteer that kind of info.

My friends are telling me to run because he just has too much baggage. They are also saying that having him around my son is a risk because he's lost kids in the past. Now he's been around my son and my normally very shy kid warmed up to this guy quickly.

[Jibralta]

This does not bode well, BentReality. I wouldn't invest any more into this relationship without a lot more answers.

[SweetGirl28]

If it doesn't feel right, it isn't. And the fact you're asking means you want validation. Listen to your friends.

And why have this guy you don't even know around your son? You have no idea of the truth, except what he tells you.

You said adoptive family, not foster family. That means he lost custody forever, whereas a foster family, that can be temporary until things get cleared up. But still, kids are not taken away for no reason.

[Hollyj]

That's serious. It takes a lot to motivate CPS. Also, they usually try to return the kids to the family.

 

Why would you consider a man that had his kids removed and adopted out? You are jeopardizing your child as well as your other friendships. Why?

 

Why were the kids removed?

[Andrina]

I agree with Wiseman2. Children should never be introduced to a love interest until it's firmly established that the relationship will be longterm. Why? Because you don't want your child getting attached to someone who might be gone tomorrow, since most new relationships don't work out. Also, for safety reasons. If you left the room to go to the bathroom, you don't know what a stranger might do to your child in those few minutes.

 

Whatever the reason the children were placed with other caregivers had to be egregious, and you're willing to risk this stranger, who has either been abusive, or a drug/narcotics abuser, or severely neglectful, to be around your child, and you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt? Your main priority in life should be to protect your child from harm, and if you're not doing that, you're guilty of child neglect yourself.

 

According to Dr. Phil: A child with a biological mother who is living with a man who is not the child’s father is 33 times more likely to suffer abuse. (Source: Dreamcatchers for Abused Children)

 

Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological parents. (Source: Journal of American Academy of Pediatrics, 2005.)

 

Children of single parents had 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. (Source: National Incidence Study)

 

Listen to everyone on this forum and your friends. You can just as easily be infatuated with a good looking man who has decent ethics and is an upstanding citizen. Hold out for him.

[j.man]

I have no idea what his situation was, so can't comment or judge beyond the fact I'd consider the fact his children were removed and adopted out (read: no going back... quite different from foster care, giving the parent(s) the opportunity for rehabilitation and reunification) to be far, far too big a red flag to be worth the risk. CPS isn't in the habit of removing children on a whim. It's an expensive process that almost begs litigation. If anything, it tends to the opposite extreme.

[DaisyMayPorter]

You should not allow him near you or your child. Even if his kids weren’t taken away, which in itself is a huge red flag, you should not introduce your kids until you are sure you will be in a long term relationship and this guy will be sticking around. This guy? You need to get away from him. His kids being taken away means something bad probably happened. And of course he’s “amazing”- that’s how sociopaths act at the beginning. Sorry.

[SoulTaker]

Agree with DanZee. Trust your friends they have your back and have very valid points. Never leave your friends or jeopardize your son for some superficially charming johnny-come-lately. He may be "open and honest", but you are only hearing what he wants to tell you. He should not be around your son anyway if you "recently met". Have you checked his background objectively via court records, etc.? Is he a pedophile, child abuser, drug user, etc? You don't know for a fact and he's not going to volunteer that kind of info.

 

I agree with Wiseman. Why is this stranger around your kid? Where are your parental instincts? Your top priority is to protect your son, and you're not doing it at this time.

[figureitout23]

Oh please don't introduce your child to a man you don't really know and has a bad history with children, this has mistake written all over it. You know the saying, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

Your first concern should be your baby, the second those red flags even hinted at appearing you should have walked away instead you're latching more and bringing him around your family, NO!

 

Please take some time to be alone and work on your self esteem. This is a big problem with some single mothers they think all they can get is bottom of the barrel . You can do some much better.