Picking fights

[deedee911]

Does anyone have experience with being in a relationship with someone and they pick a fight or do something that is known to be hurtful and upsetting then you get mad and they use that as a way to escape the relationship? My ex and I were together for 1 year at the 10 month mark everything was going really well granted we had our ups and downs but everything seemed to be working out great and out of the blue he starts with saying something that is known to upset me. Then he blames my anger. We are broken up now, but I am feeling like it is so unfair because I felt like it was all my fault but when I think back I see he did things to create problems. And stopped putting effort in our relationship and I was left to fight for us alone thinking it was all my fault the REaSON why we weren't working out.

 

I was so hesitant in the beginning because I was hurt very badly in my last relationship and I feel like as soon as I was getting calm and falling in love with him he pulled the rug underneath my feet and blamed me for getting so upset. It's almost like he liked the chase then he got me and didn't want me anymore. This is the man that I trusted that I thought was different he said repeatedly that he loved me more than anything in this world. I trusted this and he left me high and dry.

 

He said he didn't want to be with me anymore because I can't control my emotions! I said ok we can work on this. I was willing to go to a counsellor or couples retreat or do anything to fix the problems but he straight up said No. I am left feeling very confused how he could through away our relationship and not even want to just fix the issues.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What type of upsetting things was he doing and saying? It sounds like around the 10 mo. mark the "ups and downs" started to reveal the incompatibilities and the relationship began to unravel. During this time people argue and push each other away as they disentangle. Often picking fights is the way one partner seeks a way out.

My ex and I were together for 1 year at the 10 month mark everything was going really well granted we had our ups and downs but everything seemed to be working out great and out of the blue he starts with saying something that is known to upset me.

[j.man]

If you can include some specific examples, it'd give us a better insight as to whether the guy really was an ***hole picking fights to nag / make you mad or whether there are issues that would benefit you to take some time and reflect on.

[deedee911]

Absolutely, we were in a LDR and he moved to my city. When he first moved here about 6 months into our relationship I was going through a lot of stress with my work and other various issues. Also the adjustment of living with him (temporarily) while he looked for a place to live. I have never lived with anyone before and it was a big adjustment for me. He started leaving back to his city almost every weekend saying that he can't handle me. When all i needed was a bit of support as I was going through some stressful times (given news that I was losing my territory and given another one losing my bonus from work, looking for a house to buy and generally feeling nervous about living with a boyfriend for the first time in my life. I am 33 and I haven't had a lot of relationships and I was very open and honest about everything so he knew I wasn't just being mean. From my perspective, instead of him supporting and comforting me he would leave to go back to his city almost every weekend so he didn't have to deal with me which made me feel worse not better. We seemed to have discussed the issues and everything was going well between us and I explained how it hurt that he would go back home every weekend and not invite me to go with him. Some of our fights was over him impulsively saying he wants to join the police force and not even including me in his decision. He is an electrician and I had no idea this was a dream of his which i support fully. But what I didn't like is how it seemed that he was making all of these big life decisions on his own and not talking with me about it rather declaring HIS plans. It made me feel left out of his life which started making me feel insecure that the relationship was even going anywhere.

 

We talked about why this was so upsetting to me and everything was going well after that point. He wasn't leaving as often to go back home and i felt the relationship was becoming more stable and secure. Then he invited me over for thanksgiving weekend to his city to have dinner with his family. I felt like we were on a good path and things were all working out. Then in the morning the day of the dinner he says " I feel that the efforts I am putting into our relationship is getting in the way of doing the things I love. I want to move back to my city!!" Then I calmly look at him and say "ok, how do I fit into those plans" he says in a very frustrated tone "I don't know" about three times. I was so hurt that this was happening again. I calmly went and changed to go to my workout class that I had booked previously for that morning. After the class he was supposed to meet me. I left right away to go cool down before I saw him as I was so hurt he said those things. He called me and I said i'm not angry I am just upset at what you said this morning and I need some space to process my feelings. As he had a lot of issues with me reacting I did the right thing to cool down before talking to him. Then he gets frusterated and says what ok it's always my fault. Where are you? we have a dinner tonight! It was 12:30 p.m. I just needed like 15 minutes and I would come see him. He got so frusterated and angry then we started to fight over the phone. I ended up leaving before the dinner because even though he apologized for what he said he never said that he wants me to be a part of his life. when he KNEW this upset me because we had gone over this so many times. I thought what is the point of spending time with his family if this man can't even tell me that he is sorry he didn't mean it like that and he does want me to be a part of his life. I was so upset that I thought it was best that I leave. Then he comes back on monday (he has his own apartment) and he said that he wants his space. I was like ok, are we still together? or whats going on. He says I don't know I want to be alone to think. This made me feel so insecure and hurt. I didn't give him his space because I felt he was leaving me in the cold again! i felt this was so unfair because it was all about him. He didn't come back and say "you know what I thought about it and I see why you were so hurt and left. I am very sorry and I will work on controlling my impulsive decisions and words that I know hurt you. Instead he retracted. Also, I got very angry that thanksgiving day and he claims everthing ended because of how I reacted. When i thought i did everything right. I asked for space to cool down and HE was the one who got frusterated with me triggering my anger. He didn't support me trying to cool down before I talk to him. WHEN THIS WAS A KNOWN ISSUE he had with me.

[Hollyj]

I think it is common.

 

When some want an out, they can become hurtful. Perhaps, they do it so that you will end things, before they have to. It is a cowardly way to end a relationship.

[rosephase]

It sounds like he is putting a lot of emphasis on your reactions... what are your emotional reactions like? You said that you tell him why you are stressed out so he knows that you aren't just mean... are you acting mean toward him?

 

Honestly it doesn't sound like the relationship was ever working that well. And while it can hurt that an ex has a different narrative about why the break up happens, you don't really get a say in that. You did long distance for six months and then made a life changing choice way before you knew each other well enough to make that kind of commitment. As you actually got to know each other it seems like it became pretty clear that you weren't compatible. That is what happens in dating. You try something out, if it doesn't work well for both of you then you break up and look for a more compatible partner. At 10 months in you shouldn't be fighting, you shouldn't need to escape, you shouldn't be breaking up and getting back together. The relationship needed to end.

[Wiseman2]

How did you meet? Was it always long distance? Crash landing into your place after 6 mos. dating makes no sense. Nor does going home every weekend after that. Doesn't this sound backwards to you? That he should be visiting weekends for much longer and living in his city until he found a place and job in your area.

 

Overall it sounds like you dodged a bullet and avoided a lot of craziness, immaturity and impulsiveness. It may be best to date local men who you can take your time getting to know and who don't need a place to live 6 mos into dating. Remain strict no contact and delete and block him if you haven't already. In the meantime get on some dating apps and start talking to and having coffee with local men who know what they want to do when they grow up and who don't want to move in after dating 6 mos.

he first moved here about 6 months into our relationship.he says " I feel that the efforts I am putting into our relationship is getting in the way of doing the things I love. I want to move back to my city!!"

[DanZee]

Well, there are two things here. If you do have anger issues, then you should work on calming down and remaining cool. But if your boyfriend knows how to push your buttons, then, yeah, he could have purposely got you mad so he could break up with you.

 

The bottom line though is if you're fighting and arguing in a relationship, something isn't working. And it's possible that both people can "love" each other, but that doesn't mean they should be together. I personally don't know anyone who has "worked things out." But I have seen people break up and get into new relationships where none of the problems they had before surfaced. That makes me think that some people just can't be together. They just rub each other the wrong way. It might have been the same for you in this relationship.

[greta96]

Well this is exactly what happened to me this past weekend, so yeah I know the feeling.

He was prepared to do something that he knew would raise my suspicions and make me nervous, and once I did that he was going to make it snowball into a fight. At the time, it could have been just so he could avoid this idiotic V-day, I was actually wondering how he was planning to avoid spending it with me.

But it so happened that due to a bout of insecurity I brought something up myself about an ex of his, it wasn't a big deal and it shouldn't have caused a fight, but he made sure it caused a huge one, and then he broke up with me over this (instead of the original way he was going to pick the fight). He said something similar to your guy, that I am too much drama and he didn't want to deal with me anymore. Keep in mind that we hadn't argued in 2 months until then, everything was going smoothly (or so I thought). Also, I am no drama, never been. I hate fighting more than anything, especially with a partner.

 

When they do this, it means they had checked out of the relationship a while before. It also means that they want you to feel responsible for the breakup instead of them being the bad guy.

 

I am still shocked that he ended things so suddenly and wouldn't even want to discuss or work on things, but like I said - he was probably planning this for a while, chances are he was already seeing someone else that he wanted to spend V-day with and I was just in the way.

[indea08]

I'm sorry but I'm kind of on your boyfriends side on this one. He clearly has an active life back home, people he likes to see and spend time with. When you complained about him leaving every weekend, he tried for awhile to appease you, but in all honesty, it just wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to be back home. When he tried to tell you this, your reaction was, "well what about me!?"

 

He can't help the fact that he's happier being back home. That's just where he likes to be. Why would you want him to continue living with you full time knowing that its not what he wants?? And when he was honest and told you that he wanted to go back, you got angry. Why would you get angry at someone for being honest about what they want? Yes, it's hurtful to you, but that doesn't mean it was wrong of him. He was honest. And then you became angry, continued to play the victim, and so he got angry in return. Who could blame him? I wouldn't like someone getting mad at me just for being who I am.

 

I understand you're hurt, but he was a boyfriend, not a hostage. The fact that he didn't want to be your boyfriend anymore does not mean he's done something wrong.

[indea08]

i felt this was so unfair because it was all about him. He didn't come back and say "you know what I thought about it and I see why you were so hurt and left. I am very sorry and I will work on controlling my impulsive decisions and words that I know hurt you. Instead he retracted. Also, I got very angry that thanksgiving day and he claims everthing ended because of how I reacted. When i thought i did everything right. I asked for space to cool down and HE was the one who got frusterated with me triggering my anger. He didn't support me trying to cool down before I talk to him. WHEN THIS WAS A KNOWN ISSUE he had with me.

 

Look at this quote. It's interesting that you say you felt this was unfair because it was all about him.

 

This quote shows how your thoughts are all about YOU. "HE didn't come back and apologize to ME, HE got frustrated and triggered MY anger, HE didn't support ME trying to cool down."

 

Why didn't you go to him and say "I'm sorry for getting angry, if you're happier being home let's talk about how we can make that happen together"?

 

Why didn't you support him in needing time to cool off? You said yourself, you didn't give him space because you felt he was "leaving you in the cold", but yet you're angry he didn't give you time to cool off.

 

You're awfully quick to point a finger at him, and yet I see no evidence of you being any form of supportive to him.

[deedee911]

Thank you everyone for your insights.

 

Indea08 - I see your point of view and I agree with you on some points. However, my point here is that he didn't have to manipulate the situation and pick a fight with me on the day of his dinner. He could have thought about this before inviting me and driving 3 hours to spend time with his family. That is my whole point. He has his right to do whatever he wants, however, it does anger me when someone doesn't have the courtesy to let me know he just simply doesn't want to be with me anymore BEFORE he takes me 3 hours to see his family. Do you see my point? The issues I've had with him is how he expresses his need or lack of expression. I am willing to openly accept anything, however, I don't need someone dragging me through the mud to pick a fight and make me feel terrible just to express what they need.

 

I do see that we just weren't a compatible match despite how much we wanted things to work. Perhaps it was circumstantial, perhaps the stars didn't align or whatever. I think the issue here is he never knew what he wanted and it was my fault for not picking up on the signs sooner. For instance, he asked me to be his girlfriend back in December of 2016 3 days later he asks me how I would feel if he took a six month trip somewhere. When I asked him why he would say this he just said I don't know it's just a question. Rightfully so. But WHY would you ask someone to be your girlfriend and almost in the same breath even think about entertaining the idea of leaving somewhere for 6 months. Do you see? My anxiety has been building slowly but surely in this relationship. And he failed to see his part in creating this insecurity within me. He never said a genuine sorry for anything he did to hurt my feelings. And although I can tolerate certain things I reached my limit. We are adults here and we need to be aware of the decisions we are making as it impacts the other person we are in a relationship with. He was living like a single person when he wanted and was in a relationship with me when it suited him. Another example, is I have two conferences I have to attend for a week long every year for work. This, for me, is a very stressful time and he KNOWS this. When he was on his expedititions of leaving to his city every weekend and I told him that this cannot continue HE PROMISED me he wouldn't leave for a while unless it was for work or something he had to take care of. I asked him to spend the weekend with me before I leave for my conference, but he had work to do in his city which I completely understood. The friday before my conference he lets me know that the job was cancelled and he doesn't know if he should go because he already got his mom's hopes up that he would be there that weekend. I was so upset because why would he even question what he should do when he PROMISED he wouldn't leave unless it was for work. Well he ended up leaving because I got upset and started crying. I left for the conference upset and it was a horrible week. So it was a culmination of his ignorance that built up my anger and then turned it around on me to exit the relationship which is NOT fair. He should be a man and let me know that he is in over his head and he thinks it is best that he moves back home and we continue to do an LDR until we get to know each other better. He is an electrician and the head office is in my city so him getting a job here was very easy as he just had to make a phone call to the manager here. For me, it has taken me YEARS to get to where I am in my career and isn't the type of job where I can pick up and move to another city with a job waiting for me like he could

[deedee911]

i think the bottom line is just how he asks me to be aware of my reactions. HE too needs to heed his own advice and think about what he is saying and how it would affect me given I've expressed my fears, hopes, and dreams to him. We all make mistakes, but the fact that he couldn't even understand why it would upset me and fought with me the day of the dinner escalating the situation shows he HAS no idea how he impacts me. HE IS SELFISH only thinking about himself. It is give and take and all I told him is I'll support whatever he wants just as long as we discuss TOGETHER and plan together not him launching into a complaint and declaring to me what he wants to do with his life. In my eyes, that is not the way to make your woman feel like she is a part of your life!

[indea08]

I mean, you know the situation better than I do obviously, but it still seems like you were always mad about him doing what he wanted.

 

He asked you to be his girlfriend and then asked about going on a trip = you were mad.

 

He'd planned on going home for work that got cancelled but he still didn't want to let his mom down = you were mad.

 

You say you are willing and open to accept anything, but you're clearly not. Any time he wanted to do something that didn't align with how YOU thought a boyfriend should act, you were mad. You have to let the other person have their own thoughts and be themselves. You can't be angry when they want to do things differently than you.

 

 

To quote you:

"So it was a culmination of his ignorance that built up my anger and then turned it around on me to exit the relationship which is NOT fair."

 

You are always blaming your anger on him, as if it's all HIS fault you're upset. When are YOU accountable for yourself?? His ignorance didn't build up your anger. Your lack of ability (or maybe willingness) to understand his point of view built up your anger.

 

I'm not saying all of this to be rude, or tell you that this is all your fault. I'm simply trying to get you to consider things from a different angle, so in the future when a situation occurs, you'll stop and think about their side of the coin. Instead of being angry, you can meet them with a little understanding and acceptance. That's what a loving partner does for you. I'm trying to help you grow into a better future partner.

[thealchemist]

Well I have to say that I see his line of thinking. As a guy maybe it is earlier to me.

 

My take.

 

He moved in too early and was going away to his town more often as a bit of a backpedaling in the relationship. But you also mention family too, so that is a bit different.

 

You express your feelings to him about stress and work.

 

He tries to make himself happy (going home still) and tries to make you happy (not going as often).

 

This compromise was probably very draining on him. I don't know how often you work but if he has a social life at his hometown and you are stressed and working a lot he is probably trying to just stay busy. Also he might want to see his parents more.

 

So then, when he tells you how he feels, just like you did with him leaving so often for his hometown, you go to his place to have time with his family and get very mad at him for expressing himself.

 

I don't see that as inherently him being manipulative. I see him as lacking some foresight about bringing it up at their house. But I doubt he planned everything that way, more likely caved and had to get it off his chest.

 

But why is it ok for you to express yourself about being annoyed at him for leaving too much but not ok for him to express his desire too?

 

 

 

This entire story is from your perspective too. Yet I see many things that make me empathize with him. I would honestly be inclined to agree with him on several issues.

 

But even so. You two seem incompatible anyways so it is for the best.

 

Also in reference to the desire for him to be a cop.

 

You complained that he told you he was thinking about doing this and that upset you a lot.

 

Ummm...

 

The way I would start that conversation with my wife and ask her opinion is exactly how you described him starting it with you.

 

I would inform her I was thinking about doing it.

 

Guess what? That is asking your opinion. After he told you he thought about it insert your opinion.

 

After all, he obviously would have to think about a career change before he brings it up to you. Otherwise he has nothing to bring up to you.

 

I feel like you need to learn to communicate in ways outside your comfort zone. Because your comfort zone might not be perceiving everything.

[deedee911]

Thank you Indea08 - I do see what you are doing and appreciate it actually. It is something I will work on and think that with the right partner that doesn't rub me the right way it would be easier to be more supportive. :)

 

Its too late for us. And I think he wanted me to be someone I couldn't be and I wanted him to be someone he wasn't. So, we were both too similar or two different. I don't know. But I guess that is why people break up. They are on different pages and don't see eye to eye. All I want in my life is to be with someone I can have a stable relationship with and have conflicts with but we sit down together and discuss how to resolve it. That is what I need. Not someone who thinks it is better to avoid the situation. I think it comes down to attachment styles and me being wise enough for the future to find what works best for me. It is easier to scratch your left ear with your left hand as opposed to your right as the saying goes right? I will take this as a learning opportunity and think what I can do for my relationship not what my relationship can do for me. Thanks again for your insights.

[indea08]

And I think he wanted me to be someone I couldn't be and I wanted him to be someone he wasn't.

 

Nailed it.

 

It seems like you're coming to an understanding and can be at peace with everything. And are willing to keep this as a learning experience. That's a great take away from the forum, now keep growing that knowledge! Look for more opportunities to use that knowledge!

 

Grow. Every day. And you will lead a very happy, successful life.

[deedee911]

at the alchemist. He didn't ask my opinion or talk to me about him being a cop. We were talking about having what to have for lunch and he literally BLURTED out i want to be a cop and I am applying for the force in November. It was a shock. I think one needs to be aware of how they are bringing up big life decisions no? I was like ummm i we were just talking about where to go for lunch and now you tell me that you are applyign for the police force out of the blue?! This is the impulsiveness I had an issue with. With all of this said I was wanting to go to a counselor to deal with our obvious communication blunders to get past this because everything else between us is in line. But he straight up said NO. So that doesn't show me he wanted to work on a solution WITH me he would rather just do what best suites him and move on. which is his right. but I believe on trying to find a solution not get stuck in the toilet bowl flushing and going around and around lol. Do you see?

[deedee911]

https://www.enotalone.com/article/26317.html

 

Here is an interesting article on relationships. And I wholeheartedly agree with everything this author wrote.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you were much more invested than he was. For him it was a trial period of testing things out. You for some reason thought it was a committed relationship.

I was wanting to go to a counselor to deal with our obvious communication blunders to get past this because everything else between us is in line. But he straight up said NO.

[thealchemist]

at the alchemist. He didn't ask my opinion or talk to me about him being a cop. We were talking about having what to have for lunch and he literally BLURTED out i want to be a cop and I am applying for the force in November. It was a shock. I think one needs to be aware of how they are bringing up big life decisions no? I was like ummm i we were just talking about where to go for lunch and now you tell me that you are applyign for the police force out of the blue?! This is the impulsiveness I had an issue with. With all of this said I was wanting to go to a counselor to deal with our obvious communication blunders to get past this because everything else between us is in line. But he straight up said NO. So that doesn't show me he wanted to work on a solution WITH me he would rather just do what best suites him and move on. which is his right. but I believe on trying to find a solution not get stuck in the toilet bowl flushing and going around and around lol. Do you see?

So he told you he wants to apply in November for the force and you response is to go to a counselor to talk it out?

 

That honestly seems like an abnormal response. I understand it is impulsive on his part but still.

 

I understand your issue with him saying that. But I actually said the same thing to my wife about being a firefighter like 2 years ago.

 

Her response was to talk to me about it in a very understanding and caring way. She didn't say we need a counselor or anything. I told her my intention and she discussed it with me.

 

We then came to a compromise working it out and talking together.

 

It honestly seems a bit like you want to have discussions and work things out but have no idea how to effectively communicate in a relationship and actually compromise.

 

Or you think "working it out" means he needs to change to your way of thinking. Like you have a bit of a double standard.

 

That is why I said your relationship seemed very incompatible anyways.

 

It is hard when only hearing one side. The problem is that it is from your side and I don't blame him anymore than you in the relationship termination

 

It sounds like your relationship was fatally flawed anyways.

 

I'm not trying to be rude with this or anything. Just calling it like I see it.

 

But it also seems like you think you have the moral high ground in regards to the relationship ending. I am trying to say that I feel you do not.

[deedee911]

No I didn't say let's talk to a counsellor for that. It was a series of events that lead to that. I felt we were both feeling misunderstood so I wanted to bridge the gap. And yes I did think we are in a committed relationship because we had already looked at rings discussed marriage etc. So this is another point. He shouldn't put the carriage before the horse. Argh I'm so confused and upset I can barely focus on my work. Now my friend is fighting with me over me not wanting to be around her in public while she smokes weed. Because it is illegal. I feel so raw right now and sensitive.