Was it the ex? Or is she being truthful?

[LonelyJedi]

Hello all -

 

I met this girl on Tinder about a month ago. We went on a date that night and we saw each other almost every day after that. We hit it off really well. She would instantly respond to my messages, double-text me a lot, text me every morning, etc. I met her parents on our second date and they absolutely loved me. They were so excited that their daughter was dating somebody so good and the girl I was seeing kept telling me how perfect I am. The girl's mother even told her to "not f*** this up, he is perfect". The girl's mother couldn't stop talking about me to her friends & family. I asked her (the girl) if she was OK with this and she said she loved that her mother finally approved of somebody she was seeing. She would always make a huge effort to see me... even when she was really sick with a cold! We would always stay up until 1am and just talk and hang out. After the third date or so she wanted to have sex and since I planned on making her my girlfriend I went along with it.

 

I found out that she and her ex of 3yrs still work together. He is an auto detailer and she is the manager there. They would constantly breakup during their relationship with the final break-up occurring last November. The girl would always tell me how much she hates her ex and how much of an a**hole he is. I believed her based on her tone behind it. She did tell me how her ex managed to get a new girl very shortly after their 3yr relationship ended and lied to her about it. They still work together, however.

 

 

This is where things got derailed very quickly:

 

Friday:

Just a few days ago, we made plans to see each other on Wednesday. She had to re-schedule due to a funeral and her brother coming in town and her family wanted everyone together. This bummed me out, but I understood and it didn't bother me. We re-scheduled for Friday, to which she was excited to oblige. That morning she texted me how she couldn't wait for tonight and go out with me. She said she would text me after work.

A couple hours before we were going to hangout, after she got off work, she texts me saying that she "wasn't really feeling up for doing anything that night" and that she "had a rough week and needs time to recoup". I literally SENSED physically that something was deeply wrong. I offered to re-schedule for Saturday, to which she accepted. She didn't text me for the rest of the day, which I thought was out of the ordinary since she constantly texted me non-stop.

 

Saturday:

When she finally got off work, she said I could head over to her house. She got ready and we headed out for our day on the town. Her mother texted her a couple times saying that " is awesome, grandma approves!" and "say hi to !". She drove and we had to get gas. She went inside to pay but left her phone in the cup holder. I saw that her ex had texted her. I never do this, but my instincts were telling me that something was not right, so I opened her phone and looked at the conversation. I remember seeing a text from him saying something about him wanting to "sit down with her and have a real conversation" but not having to "break things off with ". She replied to him saying that she was planning on "sitting down with me and telling me how unsure she was feeling lately". Her ex replied back with "let me know when you are free" and she replied that she would. She came back into the car and I quickly put her phone back. As we were driving, I was controlling the music on her phone. He texted her with "So?" (hours later). I acted confused and asked why he was texting her... she told me that it was work-related that he is annoying her. My instincts instantly fired off saying she was lying.

 

We went to a restaurant and I asked her how work was that morning, briefly bringing up her ex (since they work together still). She told me that her ex-bf and his new girlfriend broke up last Wednesday and her ex told her during work on Friday afternoon. She told me she didn't care about this news and that it didn't affect her. In fact, she kept telling me how excited she was to reject him flat-out if he came crawling back to her. I just said, "it seems very convenient and dangerous that the first person he shares this news with is you.... especially since he knows about me". (She told me that she would brag about how great I was to everyone at her work). She reassured me that she was over him and that she had moved on.

 

We continued on our date night and everything seemed OK, but I still sensed something was amiss. She said she had to go to bed early since she wasn't getting much sleep recently, we ended our date at 7pm or so (when typically we would always end much later than that). She went into the house and we hugged/kissed goodbye multiple times. I told her that I really like her a lot, she reacted by hugging/kissing me tighter and responded with "I really like you too!". I then whispered, "...enough to be mine?"

 

She shuddered and said, "not yet". She said she was not ready for a relationship due to a "bad experience" (ex bf), but to be patient with her. I told her that I understood completely and that I also had a bad experience but I am willing to take the plunge with her. My instincts fired off again and translated her answers to that she is still undecided with her ex, especially being newly single again. She offered to hangout the next day, Sunday, to watch the SuperBowl. I told her yes and she told me to drive home safe and text her when I got home. I texted her when I got home due to the bad snow storm, but I never got a response like I usually did. I assumed she fell asleep.

 

Sunday:

I never got a text from her on Sunday. I texted her around 2pm saying that I hope she slept in well and asking her when she wanted to hangout and watch the Superbowl. She told me that she completely forgot about having plans with her best friend at her work to watch it. I just responded with "Okay, that's fine!". I never heard from her again that day.

 

 

Monday:

I never got a text from her until around 2pm. I received this text from her:

 

"Hey. Sorry I haven't texted you today. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I don't want to drag you through the mud and waste your time. I am not ready for a relationship and I don't know when I will be. I don't think we should continue to see each other. You are such an awesome person and I so enjoy your company, but I can't give you what you want. I really have to focus on myself. I highly doubt you'll want to talk to me, but I would like to remain your friend. I am so sorry, I hate hurting people since I am the one who always gets hurt."

 

I responded with:

"I am sorry to hear that. I assumed you were over your ex, but it appears not. I thought you hated him and had an on/off again relationship with him. Not sure why you would want that toxic relationship, but that is your decision."

 

She then got hostile:

"I am not going back to my ex. He has nothing to do with this. You asking me to be your girlfriend made me shut down. I can't be in a relationship right now, especially with him. F*** him. He's the reason I shut people out."

 

I replied:

"Okay, I apologize. I guess since we both really liked each other I thought it was OK. I had a fear it was too early, but I didn't want to wait too long either. I know you said you had a "bad experience", I did too. I just figured we could be exclusive and get through it together."

 

Last text I got from her:

"Trying to explain how I'm feeling is really hard. I just don't want to drag you through the mud with all my bulls***. You're at a different stage in life then me as well and that's great for you, but not so great for me..."

 

My final response:

"I didn't think there was any "mud" or "bulls***" you were dragging me through.... I was happy and accepted you for who you are"

 

 

After seeing that text from ex-bf on Saturday, I cannot shake this sick feeling in my gut. I perhaps should not have accused her of getting back with her ex, but I saw those texts on Saturday morning. I probably shouldn't have asked so soon, but I guess I wanted to see who she would have picked since her ex is now back in the picture.

 

Guess God gave me the sign I was praying for...

 

Your thoughts? My stomach has been churning for the past two days trying to figure out the truth. I keep going back to what she SAID to me (not ready for a relationship, I made her shut down), but then I keep remembering the sequence of events where she texted her ex-bf on Saturday morning BEFORE I asked her to be my girlfriend (Saturday night).

 

I feel guilty, but my instincts are telling me that I shouldn't be since she was trying to find a way to cut me out so she could reconcile with her ex... and possible use me to make her ex-bf jealous?

 

Thanks guys,

[ahd15]

Similar situation. No ex I know of but things started off great. Never had the talk but it was as if we knew each other already.

I beat myself up for almost 2 months. What happened why etc. I wasn’t in the right mind state to talk to her even if I heard from her.

One day I decided to say f it and began focusing on myself. Eating healthy, cut out the nights out, working out, learning. Some time later guess who I hear from. Not to say that means anything but I will certainly take it slow if it’s anything because that’s how things should have been.

My point is you may get some things like “she’s not interested, “move on,” “block her.” I look at it this way. I never had to “move on.” I did everything right and she had something come up. I’m right where I was before I met her if not a step ahead. I didn’t lose my s** although it felt like it for a while there.

The one thing you can do now is be friendly when she reaches out. Maybe shoot her a nice message every once in a while. Don’t expect a response. And if she does respond don’t give her a hard time or grill her with questions.

In the mean time don’t lose focus on the things that are important to you ie your health, your job, family, friends whatever it may be. And keep dating.

[Andrina]

Seeing someone every day at the beginning is too much. Even if the person agrees, it ends up being smothering, and isn't the normal pace of a new relationship. During your time together, she is still inappropriately connected to her ex. That's all you need to know to make a quick exit.

 

As soon as you see a dealbreaker, get out of there. This will ensure you're single when a woman who is 100 percent ready to date you, without any barriers, comes along.

[jimthzz]

You were an ego-boost for her. She is in love with the not-so-ex boyfriend. I don't think she is really a mean-spirited person. She gave it the ol' college try with you and it didn't stick.

 

For whatever reason, she prefers this schmuck over you despite the drama.

 

If I were you I would stop pursuing someone not fully in the game and move on.

[Hollyj]

You have been on here awhile, and know that this went waaaaaaaay too fast. Also, the fact that they were saying you were perfect, without even knowing you. Another red flag.

 

The biggest red flag, was her trash talking the bf. Dude, you were a rebound. You need to slow your role, and get to know people.

 

This never had a chance.

[ManyDates]

Didn't read it all but she's just another time wasting rebounder. She met you every day afterwards because she thought you could be her bf's replacement. When they realize this isn't how it works, they vanish and you are left wondering what just happened. Well, that happened.

 

People over their ex's also don't mention them - ever.

[boltnrun]

Interesting how she suddenly put on the brakes when her ex became single again.

 

Definitely the not-so-ex.

 

I bet she ends up being "on" again with him.

[Starlight925]

Agree with everyone else.

 

Way too much, way too fast. Meeting her parents on the second date? Um, I'm sure you're a great guy, but you know better.

 

And the all-day texty-texty nonsense is just that....nonsense. Again, you know better.

 

Anytime someone tells you so much about their ex, and with such vitriol, you can take it to the bank there are still feelings there. Might be negative feelings, but they're feelings, nonetheless.

 

You were used as an ego boost, a rebound, and a way to make this guy jealous. Remember, he kept his new girlfriend a secret from her and he lied when she found out? Sooooo convenient that she flaunts her new guy in front of him.

 

And worse yet, she lied to you about his texts. About "work". Which, as you saw, was B.S.

 

Next time, move more slowly. Don't fall into the fake-texting-intimacy garbage. Text once or twice a day, max, and see each other a couple of times a week, max. And please, don't meet parents on the 2nd date, ever again, k?

[SoulTaker]

You have been on here awhile, and know that this went waaaaaaaay too fast. Also, the fact that they were saying you were perfect, without even knowing you. Another red flag.

 

The biggest red flag, was her trash talking the bf. Dude, you were a rebound. You need to slow your role, and get to know people.

 

This never had a chance.

 

+1. Op, you're young and still learning about relationships. When a person talks to someone they're dating about an "ex", then the "ex" is still on their mind.

 

Don't be mislead by her trash talking her "ex". If a person is over an "ex", then they will have nothing to say about them. Not a word. "Indifference", and not "anger" is the opposite of still having "feelings" for someone.

[matt77]

You should be focused on having fun and hooking up with this chick. I know that you didn't know any better, but you are simply too focused on locking her down and making her commit to you. When she is ready to be exclusive she will let you know.

 

I'm going to do you a solid and diagnose the entire situation (my analysis in bold)

 

 

This is where things got derailed very quickly:

 

Friday:

Just a few days ago, we made plans to see each other on Wednesday. She had to re-schedule due to a funeral and her brother coming in town and her family wanted everyone together. This bummed me out, but I understood and it didn't bother me. We re-scheduled for Friday, to which she was excited to oblige. That morning she texted me how she couldn't wait for tonight and go out with me. She said she would text me after work.

A couple hours before we were going to hangout, after she got off work, she texts me saying that she "wasn't really feeling up for doing anything that night" and that she "had a rough week and needs time to recoup". I literally SENSED physically that something was deeply wrong. I offered to re-schedule for Saturday, to which she accepted. She didn't text me for the rest of the day, which I thought was out of the ordinary since she constantly texted me non-stop.

 

You guys have been on 3 dates and you "sensed physically that something was deeply wrong" After 3 dates this girl has not earned that much attention from you. You should still be hanging out and hooking up with other women and not over analyzing this one single women. You should have responded with "Let me know when you figure your schedule out!" rather than trying to force her into rescheduling with you.

 

Saturday:

When she finally got off work, she said I could head over to her house. Wow, that was nice of her to allow you to head over to her house. You should have set a definite date and told her to be ready for you at that specific time. She got ready and we headed out for our day on the town. Her mother texted her a couple times saying that " is awesome, grandma approves!" and "say hi to !". It's good that her family likes you, but its not going to make- up for how you have been showing up- which is trying to lock her down and make her your girlfriendShe drove and we had to get gas. She went inside to pay but left her phone in the cup holder. I saw that her ex had texted her. I never do this, but my instincts were telling me that something was not right, so I opened her phone and looked at the conversation.Bad move dude. You guys aren't exclusive and here you are worried about who she's texting. It doesn't matter. She's going to talk to who she wants to talk to. That means you have to gently nudge her in the right direction. GENTLY. The fact of the matter is that you do not feel you are good enough for her and you are worried that the ex is going to steal her away. She senses this and begins to pull back because she feels the weakness and neediness that you are displaying. I remember seeing a text from him saying something about him wanting to "sit down with her and have a real conversation" but not having to "break things off with ". She replied to him saying that she was planning on "sitting down with me and telling me how unsure she was feeling lately". Her ex replied back with "let me know when you are free" and she replied that she would. She came back into the car and I quickly put her phone back. As we were driving, I was controlling the music on her phone. He texted her with "So?" (hours later). I acted confused and asked why he was texting her... she told me that it was work-related that he is annoying her. My instincts instantly fired off saying she was lying. You aren't exclusive dude. Show this girl a good time and she will let you know when she's ready to commit. Stop being so serious and just have fun

 

We went to a restaurant and I asked her how work was that morning, briefly bringing up her ex (since they work together still). Why the hell do you keep bringing up her ex?She told me that her ex-bf and his new girlfriend broke up last Wednesday and her ex told her during work on Friday afternoon. She told me she didn't care about this news and that it didn't affect her. In fact, she kept telling me how excited she was to reject him flat-out if he came crawling back to her. I just said, "it seems very convenient and dangerous that the first person he shares this news with is you.... especially since he knows about me". (She told me that she would brag about how great I was to everyone at her work). She reassured me that she was over him and that she had moved on. Again, The ex situation is none of your business.

 

We continued on our date night and everything seemed OK, but I still sensed something was amiss. She said she had to go to bed early since she wasn't getting much sleep recently, we ended our date at 7pm or so (when typically we would always end much later than that). Yeah, I would have ended the night early too if I was constantly berrated with questions about my past relationships. Had you took this girl somewhere fun and exciting you would have been up through all hours of the night f******g this girls brains out She went into the house and we hugged/kissed goodbye multiple times. I told her that I really like her a lot, she reacted by hugging/kissing me tighter and responded with "I really like you too!". I then whispered, "...enough to be mine?" You got really dopey here, and it freaked her out. Asking about the status of the relationship is the women's territory. Not to mention you asked if you were enough. An alpha male always knows that he is enough, and if a women can't see that- it's her loss. An alpha never asks if he is enough.

 

She shuddered and said, "not yet". You freaked her out. And she sensed that you were just like all of the other guys trying to lock her down and own her.She said she was not ready for a relationship due to a "bad experience" (ex bf), but to be patient with her. She's telling you what to do right here, but you didn't get it. Sit back and relax and she will come to you at her own pace. Stop chasing after her. I told her that I understood completely and that I also had a bad experience but I am willing to take the plunge with her.Translation- Please grace me with your presence your highness My instincts fired off again and translated her answers to that she is still undecided with her ex, especially being newly single again. She offered to hangout the next day, Sunday, to watch the SuperBowl. I told her yes and she told me to drive home safe and text her when I got home. She wants to see if you will do every little thing that she asks you to do, and sure enough you texted her when you got home like a good little boy I texted her when I got home due to the bad snow storm, but I never got a response like I usually did. I assumed she fell asleep.

 

Sunday:

I never got a text from her on Sunday. I texted her around 2pm saying that I hope she slept in well and asking her when she wanted to hangout and watch the Superbowl. If she wanted to watch the superbowl with you she would be with you watching the superbowl, no need to text herShe told me that she completely forgot about having plans with her best friend at her work to watch it. Sureeee. I just responded with "Okay, that's fine!". I never heard from her again that day.

 

 

Monday:

I never got a text from her until around 2pm. I received this text from her:

 

"Hey. Sorry I haven't texted you today. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I don't want to drag you through the mud and waste your time. I am not ready for a relationship She sensed that you are needy and you are trying to lock her down after three datesand I don't know when I will be. I don't think we should continue to see each other. You are such an awesome person and I so enjoy your company, but I can't give you what you want. I really have to focus on myself. I highly doubt you'll want to talk to me, but I would like to remain your friend. I am so sorry, I hate hurting people since I am the one who always gets hurt."

 

I responded with:

"I am sorry to hear that. I assumed you were over your ex, but it appears not. I thought you hated him and had an on/off again relationship with him. Not sure why you would want that toxic relationship, but that is your decision." B]You should say "Sorry I am not interested in being friends, but let me know when you change your mind!" Everything else that you said in this exchange was totally uncalled for and simply hurt your chances even more. [/b]

 

She then got hostile:

"I am not going back to my ex. He has nothing to do with this. You asking me to be your girlfriend made me shut down. I can't be in a relationship right now, especially with him. F*** him. He's the reason I shut people out."

 

I replied:

"Okay, I apologize. I guess since we both really liked each other I thought it was OK. I had a fear it was too early, but I didn't want to wait too long either. I know you said you had a "bad experience", I did too. I just figured we could be exclusive and get through it together."

 

Last text I got from her:

"Trying to explain how I'm feeling is really hard. I just don't want to drag you through the mud with all my bulls***. You're at a different stage in life then me as well and that's great for you, but not so great for me..."

 

My final response:

"I didn't think there was any "mud" or "bulls***" you were dragging me through.... I was happy and accepted you for who you are" Translation- Keep those s**t sandwiches coming! They are delicious!

 

 

After seeing that text from ex-bf on Saturday, I cannot shake this sick feeling in my gut. I perhaps should not have accused her of getting back with her ex, but I saw those texts on Saturday morning. I probably shouldn't have asked so soon, but I guess I wanted to see who she would have picked since her ex is now back in the picture.

 

Guess God gave me the sign I was praying for...

 

Your thoughts? My stomach has been churning for the past two days trying to figure out the truth. I keep going back to what she SAID to me (not ready for a relationship, I made her shut down), but then I keep remembering the sequence of events where she texted her ex-bf on Saturday morning BEFORE I asked her to be my girlfriend (Saturday night).

 

I feel guilty, but my instincts are telling me that I shouldn't be since she was trying to find a way to cut me out so she could reconcile with her ex... and possible use me to make her ex-bf jealous?

 

Thanks guys,

[Morello]

Yeah, unfortunately she has feelings for her ex. She hasn't moved on. Like others said above, it doesn't matter if the feelings are positve or negative, feelings are feelings. And even if she's saying lots of bad things about him, this is probably also clue that she still likes him.

 

You made your mistakes by pushing her to be in a relationship with you. Perhaps if you had just backed off and given her space, you would have a better chance in the future but I still think it wouldn't be the case. I had a very similar experience. I saw red flags, I saw the ex was still in the picture. I saw the hot cold behavior. But I also found the relationship extremely confusing, lots of instability, lot's of amazing times too, so don't beat up yourself too much for ignoring the red flags and making mistakes. Some of it is a reaction to her erratic and confusing behavior. She was confused and you also got confused.

 

In my case, I confused her love bombing as an indication that she wanted to be in a relationship with me. She was booking trips, cooking me meals, holding hands all the time, lots of calls, inviting me to meet her parents, friends, etc. How do you just say no to that? Easier said than done There was even a little bit of pressure from friends because they all thought she was giving me sings to ask her to be my girlfriend. But she didn't want a relationship. She just wanted the feeling of being in a relationship. She missed having that. This is why it's confusing. You think you need to act and make the relationship happen but being in a relationship with you is the last thing she actually wants.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry you've been through this. Just move on from this and learn from your mistakes. Don't get in touch with her at all. Remove yourself completely from the picture. You may have a shot with her in the future if you do, but I find unlikely.

[Jibralta]

LonelyJedi, sorry that you are going through this. I think you handled it well, though.

 

We continued on our date night and everything seemed OK, but I still sensed something was amiss. She said she had to go to bed early since she wasn't getting much sleep recently, we ended our date at 7pm or so (when typically we would always end much later than that). She went into the house and we hugged/kissed goodbye multiple times. I told her that I really like her a lot, she reacted by hugging/kissing me tighter and responded with "I really like you too!". I then whispered, "...enough to be mine?"

 

It was bold and smart of you to put her on the spot like this. You're not d*cking around, she shouldn't be, either. By doing this, you forced the situation to a head. It probably would have been a slow-motion train wreck, otherwise.

 

Don't feel guilty. The truth is, she wanted to go back to her boyfriend. She put the blame on you because she doesn't want to face the truth. Her behavior shows that she has a lot of growing up to do.