I think I'm getting played. How do I proceed?

[stars1491]

Hey y'all! Just for context I'm a 19 year old female in college. So I met this guy off a dating app a couple weeks ago. The first date went really well and the second date we had sex. We had a couple more dates afterwards before I went off to college but he still visits me weekly. He seemed like a really nice, genuine guy at first, and because I hadn't experienced such a positive thing with a man (I've never had a real relationship before). I started developing feelings for him to the point of obsession (for me it's very easy to do this), where he'd always be on my mind, 24/7. He seemed like the perfect guy- good looking, courteous, thoughtful, professionally-minded and rather smart so naturally I fell for him. We still text and snapchat each other and he visits me while I'm in college, since I'm only about an hour away.

 

I still thought about him constantly, to the point where I was depressed because I couldn't see him and was worried that he'd ghost me. Now, though, looking back on it, I think I'm getting played. In fact I'm nearly a hundred percent sure about it. We text and snapchat throughout the day, but it's mostly small talk like "good morning" and "how's your day going". He really only goes into deep conversations with me at night and they usually turn sexual. He's asked me for nudes before to the point where I was annoyed. He's really good at sex (and oddly very giving) but that probably means he has a lot of experience. He has this really, really nice guy persona, as he'd always compliment me throughout the day and he is pretty well-mannered (he bought this homeless lady a meal once when we went out) but I'm starting to think he's just tricking me into thinking that those compliments about me and my personality were genuine. He has these weird fluctuating personality types of self-doubt and self-obsession, so he might be using me for an ego boost. He's affectionate and cuddly and not very aggressive when he actually sees me in person (most of the time I initiate the sex) and doesn't automatically say to go back to the bedroom but I always get the feeling he's waiting to get back into bed. We both haven't brought up the idea of a relationship but I figured it was the guy that was supposed to say they were interested first. He's not seeing other girls right now (but he snaps/texts a couple) but I know he's just focusing on me because he's lonely and can't really get other girls. And he gets really, really passive aggressive when I don't answer him, like he thinks I don't have a life outside of talking and pleasing him. There are moments where he's really rude and I'm like.. did you just say that?

 

The only reason why I'm reluctant to say I'm a hundred percent sure was that we actually did go on dates before I went to college and I don't feel too pressured to have sex with him when I see him. He wasn't the typical "f' boy" that I was used to (and I've experienced a lot of boys). I didn't think he got a lot of girls because of how shy he was around them and because he's shorter than most guys. I wanted to believe that he was the ideal man, that he was nice because he was actually nice and not trying to trick me into falling for him. Now I feel awful for having gotten played by him for so long and jump starting this long spiral of depression and self doubt. I'm not longer obsessed and in love with him like I was even yesterday- I'm just really, really pissed at him and myself for wasting my time like this and fooling me like I was some idiot. I'm aware it might have been my fault too for failing to express my feelings for him, but I was okay with a friends with benefit type of relationship - now, though, I'm incredibly angry that he's just playing with me, like I'm something worth less than a friend. I even cried to my damn parents about him not realizing how well he played the game and how much I was fooled.

 

He's visiting me tomorrow (on his birthday, no less) and I'm not sure what to do. I was excited to see him but now I'm dreading it. It would seem pretty mean to confront him on his birthday but I'm really mad. Also I myself am pretty lonely and do enjoy his company, so I'm wondering if I should ride out the bull and play out this little fantasy. I committed so much emotion to him (mostly anguish and obsession and depression) that I feel like I need some sort of pay off. Or maybe I'm just overreacting. But I'm not sure what to do at this point, because I do still have feelings for him, even if they are mostly soured, and there is a small part of me that wants to believe I'm wrong.

 

Looking at all the evidence though, I doubt it.

[Hollyj]

Do not ever send anyone nudes.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey stars1491,

 

I'm not entirely sure why you are almost 100% sure you are being played? It's not entirely clear from your post. It sounds more like a combination of some insecurity on both sides, and maybe getting to see some personality traits in him you aren't so fond of, and you wanting more but not showing or asking for it? I mean, he is coming to you right? It may not be far, but it's still something. Plus, he is coming on his birthday - seems he wants to spend it with you? There may be something I am missing, but just seems like he might actually be into you, but not sure of where you stand...

 

Instead of 'confronting' him, why don't you just put your cards on the table and say you want to make it official or something? I'm not discounting your gut feelings, just be aware that sometimes they are misinformed. Best case scenario, you are wrong and he is stoked to be with you. Worse case, you were right anyway and you can move forward.

 

Also, I agree with Hollyj, don't send nudes. That said, I don't think it necessarily makes him a player/f*boy/ for asking. Sometimes people ask or do things with no intention of it turning nasty, but in a year, 5 years, 10 years who knows. Just not worth the risk and if anyone makes it a big deal that you won't its a massive red flag.

 

Good luck!

 

T

[yatsue]

He doesn't seem like he's playing you at all. He's seeing you weekly, even for his bday, and talks to you daily for goodness sake, although it's only been a couple weeks you've known him. This is called early dating. Chill out. Ask him where he thinks this is going instead. Do not confront him.

[Hollyj]

Honestly, I don't know where you are getting this. You creating drama and problems that do not exist. Do you think it is because you do not know how to recognize a decent guy, and you are incapable of having a healthy relationship due to own anxiety, insecurity and trust issues?

 

I strongly suggest you seek some counseling. Your behavior has been over the top throughout this situation.

[SherrySher]

It sounds like you're overreacting. Why do you assume since he's the guy that he is the one who needs to establish a relationship? It's not difficult for a woman to ask if this is going to turn into a relationship or not and it does not mean the guy likes you less.

 

I honestly can't see what this guy has done wrong.

He might have put his foot in his mouth a few times but he sounds like a nice guy who is putting efforts into being with you.

If you want it to be a relationship just ask him, it makes no difference who asks if you both like each other.

But it does sound like you're causing a whole lot of drama over nothing.

[ThatwasThen]

Do suffer from general anxiety disorder? (Not asked in malice). You are showing great anxiety in your post over what appears to be unfounded paranoia.

 

There is no indication that he’s playing you. Infuture if you don’t want to feel this uncertainty with a guy don’t sleep with him until you have both agreed to be in an exclusive relationship which takes time getting to know one another before deciding on.

[MissCanuck]

I agree with the others: you are creating problems in your mind. I don't see anything to suggest he's playing you.

 

You're not making a lot sense, if I may be blunt:

 

You say he's obviously sexually experienced, then you say he is too shy to get other girls.

You're mad at yourself for allowing this to go on "for so long" but you've known him, what, 14 days?

You committed so much emotion to him, but again, you met this boy two weeks ago.

 

My guess? You're very angry at other guys for having played you in the past, and you're projecting that all over this guy and punishing him for others' mistakes. I don't think you're doing it intentionally, but you need to step back and take a deep breath. Rather than default to anger and defensiveness with him, take a look at your own behaviour and how you're creating what you fear.