How do I become "girlfriend" material?

[xcookie7x]

This is a general question.. I'm trying to go on as many dates as I can... every time I click with a guy he starts out showing genuine interest. Respectable, lots of compliments, very consistent communication and apologizes if he is busy. He'll mention friends or family have heard of me and have gotten to points of meeting them. And once I start reciprocating it's almost like he stops caring, or, I somehow transform into a friend with benefits. I don't get what I do wrong. I have a steady more "professional" type job. I like my "me time" so I'd say I am independent and always make sure to keep seeing my friends, I don't text a guy like crazy or latch onto him. Not controlling and always supportive. I am always trying to be as kind and nurturing as I can be. Faithful. I would say I am pretty attractive, inside and out. Basically, I feel like I'm a pretty great catch. Yet, I haven't been able to make it to a "girlfriend" level in years. I've been in a couple long term committed relationships before so I have the experience. I can't understand what I do wrong lately..

 

Latest example is meeting a guy who seemed very interested and told me that he can tell I'm not like this generation and that's why he's so interested etc. He used to go to my high school and was friends with my best friends who said he's a great guy and thought we'd be a great match. Our most recent date was last week and he told me he was so glad he got to see me, he had a great time and didn't want the night to ever end and kept stalling his time to talk until he was falling asleep etc.. Then the following night called me and we talked on the phone for hours and he shared poetry he wrote as a kid with me, including some really sweet ones about his grandpa. and his niece and nephew. and things he's been writing lately. Said he was nervous to share it with me but was happy I liked it. Now the past 4-5 days it's suddenly starting to feel less emotional and as if I'm entering friends with benefits territory. (We have not slept together yet). It's more-so I keep his full attention if I text dirty talk or sexually flirt with him and less of him asking how I'm doing and being affectionate, calling me beautiful, asking about my day etc. It feels like emotionally he's put up a small wall. I have another date with him coming up this weekend.. My older male friend (40) told me that sometimes when a guy meets a girl who seems too good to be true for him it will start to freak him out, especially after he's been hurt/cheated on a lot. I can somewhat see that, because he is still texting me just less and it feels like he keeps a small wall up when he does it. When he started talking to me, he threw hints out a lot that he was open to have a girlfriend. He even mentioned how his guy friends were hanging with him and they brought their girlfriends, and the girls were asking him where his girl is and he told them he's been talking to/seeing me. So how do I show him I'd be a great potential girlfriend? Or should I save us both the time and some day soon after this date just ask him what he's looking for? Or would that most likely ruin everything? Lol. Thanks!

[DancingFool]

Sounds to me like you are looking to go from 0-10000 miles in a few dates. Chill out.

 

To be honest, it sounds like he likes you, but over shared and has pulled back to a more normal level of communication for the stage of dating you are at. That's not a bad thing. He might even be a little embarrassed about that. Again, not bad, not wrong. Try to relax and let a relationship develop at a more steady pace. It's not supposed to be all high emotions all the time.

 

Not speaking about this guy in particular, but more in general. If you keep falling in with guys who will love bomb you early on, that's your broken picker. It's not that you aren't gf material, but rather that you are picking men who aren't bf material because you are getting hooked on the idea of insta-relationship and high, intense emotions....except that all that intensity, as intoxicating as it may be, is not sustainable. Look for more steady, less intense men and you'll perhaps find someone who is actually looking for a gf and is bf material himself. Otherwise you'll just keep running into guys who are just looking that for initial high and then cut and run to their next high.

[xcookie7x]

I guess I'm just concerned because I'm afraid he's lost interest after telling me it was the perfect date and all of that. Before he had no problem being emotionally vulnerable with me. Not to the point of over sharing but just you could tell he had genuine interest and trust placed in me. Now, I just have that "womanly intuition" of a tiny wall gone up, going along with how he's been talking to me lately, lol. I guess I'll go with it until the date coming up. I guess if he's still willing to see me regardless of his actions then it's a good thing.

[DancingFool]

Look, if he was being emotionally vulnerable with before even ever meeting you, that's a red flag. You don't know each other. You don't know if the chemistry and physical attraction will really be there once you are face to face. It does sound like he might have come on way too hot and heavy, but perhaps has normalized. Of course, it could be that he wasn't feeling the chemistry either and is pulling back. Regardless, you do need to chill out and see how things go on the next date. Look more to have lighthearted fun instead of intense emotions or even emotional vulnerability. It's way too early for that. Breathe and take dates one at a time. Slow down and don't take over the top gushy compliments as Gospel.

 

If he keeps asking you on dates, it means he is interested. So go from there, but make sure your expectations of communication and connection are appropriate for the stage of dating you are in. Forget rom coms. This is real life.

[xcookie7x]

You're right. My Mom just pressures me and gives me anxiety. If I go on a date and I don't go on another date like 4-5 days after she'll be saying how he isn't interested and automatically shuts it down. Then I get sad and feel anxious about the situation.. and since the dates in person he seemed pretty into me up til the end of the night, i'm going to assume the latter that he scared himself. It sucks, but I'll just learn from it and be less tense next time. I just get so pressured by my Mom.

[and so it goes]

I think you might be over analyzing things (huh, women do that?)

 

It's funny, we (as men) are advised not to come on too strong at first, give the woman space, keep some mystery, don't be all pushy/clingy whatever etc right away, It appears as though he is doing that (in his own way I guess) but you are reading more into this than might be there.

 

Take it slow, enjoy the ride and don't think so much.

 

Also, careful about judging* future men (or men behavior) on past men or men behavior - we are all different :) I think....

 

*judging is too strong a word, I mean like predicting or trying to find a pattern etc

[xcookie7x]

It's just very confusing because we were connecting very well and he was very affectionate/talkative and now the lack of affection makes it feel weird. In person he gave me something of his too, nothing crazy expensive but the thought made it nice. Plus he brought up "next time" implying he was interested in seeing me again... I guess I'm in a panic because this all happened within a week. The date was last sunday, on the date he showed lots of interest and was physically affectionate too, and up until Thursday things continued great. Then the way he was talking slowed a lot and became less affectionate. Pretty much over night without reason. Thanks for the help

[Batya33]

It's just very confusing because we were connecting very well and he was very affectionate/talkative and now the lack of affection makes it feel weird. In person he gave me something of his too, nothing crazy expensive but the thought made it nice. Plus he brought up "next time" implying he was interested in seeing me again... I guess I'm in a panic because this all happened within a week. The date was last sunday, on the date he showed lots of interest and was physically affectionate too, and up until Thursday things continued great. Then the way he was talking slowed a lot and became less affectionate. Pretty much over night without reason. Thanks for the help

 

i agree with Dancing Fool. It's not confusing if you accept that many people change their minds after a few dates. And going to that insta-relationship place and giving him the privilege of talking to you for hours when he's barely had to lift a finger to get to see you in person is not the best way to get to know someone at a reasonable pace IMO.

[DancingFool]

Why is your mother so involved in YOUR dating life?????

[reinventmyself]

You have an upcoming date with him, right?

 

I agree with `chill out' some, stop trying to read between the lines and stop forecasting. Remember, it's just a date not a marriage proposal.

 

Live in the moment. Remember that people sense when someone is trying to `land them'.

Manage your expectations and don't look at every date as if `he might the one'

 

I learned a long time ago to stop putting so much energy and thought into whether or not someone liked me.

That energy is better spend on paying attention to him, his actions and considering whether or not he's a right fit for me.

It helps when you believe you are worth it.

 

AND. . .keep mom in check when it comes to your dating life. Confide in a supportive friend instead . .smh

 

 

""It's more-so I keep his full attention if I text dirty talk or sexually flirt with him and less of him asking how I'm doing and being affectionate, calling me beautiful, ""

 

And please stop talking dirty to him. You may be giving him the wrong impression. Besides it doesn't seem like it's who you really are, so don't be someone you are not to keep the attention of man. . .ever

[and so it goes]

 

 

""It's more-so I keep his full attention if I text dirty talk or sexually flirt with him and less of him asking how I'm doing and being affectionate, calling me beautiful, ""

 

And please stop talking dirty to him. You may be giving him the wrong impression. Besides it doesn't seem like it's who you really are, so don't be someone you are not to keep the attention of man. . .ever

 

I agree. Keep the dirty-flirty talk for later in the relationship - if/when it gets more physical and seems more natural (and reciprocated) . At this point it seems like teasing - red flag for a guy

[j.man]

What's the longest you've gone without a date since your fiancee cheated on you years back?

[thorough]

I guess I'm just concerned because I'm afraid he's lost interest after telling me it was the perfect date and all of that. Before he had no problem being emotionally vulnerable with me. Not to the point of over sharing but just you could tell he had genuine interest and trust placed in me. Now, I just have that "womanly intuition" of a tiny wall gone up, going along with how he's been talking to me lately, lol. I guess I'll go with it until the date coming up. I guess if he's still willing to see me regardless of his actions then it's a good thing.

 

These guys will tell you pretty much anything to get you into bed or just to have you chase them. I have had way too many incidents where the guy was super interested, I start reciprocating and he pulls back. They either wanted sex (which I'm not willing to give right away) or wanted an ego boost. Best way to avoid this is have very low expectations and don't get excited until things get more serious. There are guys out there who won't play games.

[maew]

It seems like you are expecting too much... as others have said, you need to become comfortable with a slower pace if you want to be girlfriend material. As much as you talk about being relaxed, you may still be coming across as anxious and desperate because on the inside you are. Try and really let go and just enjoy the moment and slowly developing feelings.

[xcookie7x]

I do, he said he wanted to spend my birthday with me on the last date we were on. So this coming weekend I will be seeing him again. I'm hoping it's just generally a fun time and puts things in better perspective.

 

Thanks for the help

[katrina1980]

So if you talk "dirty" and sexually flirt with him, he gives you more attention, and if you don't, he gives you less?

 

Did I read that correctly?

 

If so, this is not a man who is "vulnerable" or "scared," has walls up, or wants to get to know you, he's a man who wants sex.

 

You said you haven't had sex yet, smart move under the circumstances.

 

Stay away from men who love bomb you, initially come on super strong, throwing out compliments, you're so perfect, etc. He's either living in fantasy land or bs'ing you so you'll "give it up" faster.

 

Nothing positive ever or rarely comes from that.

 

And when a man pulls back, gives you less attention when you stop talking "dirty" or sexting, just get rid.

 

ETA: Agree with others, hold off on the dirty talk/sexting until you've actually had real life sex and developed trust. Sends the wrong message if you're seeking something more serious, like a long term relationship.