How to help someone with a major loss?

[Jetta]

Does anyone have any tips on helping someone who has been a housewife for 33 years cope with the loss of her husband? It wasn't an unexpected loss as his health was deteriorating but it's still a major change. I'll add financially she's taken care of so she won't need to run out and get a job or anything. I'm just curious if there is anything I can do to assist her in the transition to independance.

[annie24]

oh gosh - that's rough. i guess, offer to help her out sometimes. You know, see if she needs some help with some chores around the house. Sometimes, rearranging furniture may make her feel better - the house will look a little different from when he was there. My dad died when I was 11. After his death, my mom couldn't bear to look at the house anymore, so we moved 300 miles away.

 

Invite her to movies, or brunch. Little things, help keep her mind occupied. Let her know that she's loved and that you all care about her.

 

good luck!!!

[DN]

Let her talk about her husband if she wants to. Listen to her and talk yourself as little as possible except for encouraging and sympathetic words. Let her take her own pace at grieving. Help her to go through his stuff if she wants help to decide what to keep and what to throw away. Don't press her to make decisions that she doesn't have to. Let her tell you what she needs.

[chai714]

The major loss she'll feel is probably loss of companionship. All you can do is be her friend and do what a friend does - comfort her, talk to her, and just love her as a friend. The most important thing you can do though, is listen to what she has to say. She probably has many stories that involve her husband, so just listen to her talk without saying much. Even though you can never bring back her husband, you can still fill a void in her social life. Everyone needs someone to talk to and to listen to them. Remember that.

[Jetta]

Thanks for the tips and advice.

[RayKay]

You need to continue to treat her as a friend, like always....believe it or not when you lose an intimate partner, or child, etc....you find out who your true friends are. About three years ago I lost my boyfriend of five years, and a lot of friends who were "uncomfortable with it" and used to seeing us together, started acting strange and I never talk to them anymore either.

 

Be a friend, listen if she needs to talk, hold her if she needs to cry, or stay calm when she needs to yell. Invite her out for coffee and cake, hel her with some of the tasks she may need to do relating to his personal items (like packing clothes up he has to donate for example - it can be very hard, and it might take her a while to build up to, but also can be very relieving, and involve a lot of tears too...).

 

Don't tell her he's in a better place, or there is a reason, or any of that.

 

Most of all, just be the friend you already are.

[sonjam]

She might feel depressed and tearfull most of the time, so go there often, have coffee, let her talk. The most important thing is not to only do it now, but keep doing it.

 

From experience I know the the time you need friends the most is not in the initial few weeks, but really the lonely months afterwards. If she withdraws from life in general try and lure her out with movies or visits to friends. She might not want to go, but it will be good for her to re-enter her life again.

 

Im so sorry for her loss. It must be like loosing a limb, when you loos your hubby of 33 years.

[Jadey]

She might feel depressed and tearfull most of the time, so go there often, have coffee, let her talk. The most important thing is not to only do it now, but keep doing it.

 

From experience I know the the time you need friends the most is not in the initial few weeks, but really the lonely months afterwards

 

Thats very very true. Dont do it just for the first 3 weeks or wotever, keep doing it. To some old "friends" ive become the girl that lost her twin brother and they feel so akward they just avoid me. Thats the worst. Be there for here through it all. Let her cry, scream, laugh, reminise. Wotever shes feeling anf doing let her know its ok and do it with her. When Ross died one of my friends who had only met him twice would spend hours just crying with me and it helped alot. But also please dont push her into talking about huim or crying cos somedays she will feel fine. And if she doesnt want to show the emotions she doesnt have too.

 

Good luck