Fifth date in or out?

[Mikaila]

Hello,

 

I would like your opinion.

 

With this guy I have been seeing, things have been going well.

 

During our dates, we have always gone to places (club, open mic, theatre, pub, restaurant) and then he bring me home with his car and we make out for about 1 hour.

 

Every time the fooling around has been going up a notch but still not sexual let's say.

 

For our fifth date, on Friday, we agreed to go to a club.

 

However, I still have the idea in my mind to invite him home for dinner and watch a movie afterwards.

 

The thing is my flat doesn't have a living room so the only place to see the movie would it be my room.

 

I am not ready to have sex though and I am sure inviting him home would create expectations.

 

Inviting him home for me would be actually a way to create a more affectionate atmosphere, to which I have seen only a few glimpses at our previous dates.

 

What are your opinions?

[mustlovedogs]

My opinion is don’t incite anyone back for a “movie” unless you’re ready for sex. Because everyone knows what a movie means - and if you don’t mean that, the expectations won’t be lining up.

[Pleasedonot5]

I say go for it, maybe insert a joke that you'll watch the movie *this time,* but maybe he'll get a few kisses out of you if he's lucky ... That's what I would do, but do or say whatever feels most natural for you and your dynamic!

[Mikaila]

My opinion is don’t incite anyone back for a “movie” unless you’re ready for sex. Because everyone knows what a movie means - and if you don’t mean that, the expectations won’t be lining up.

 

Thank you.

[Mikaila]

I say go for it, maybe insert a joke that you'll watch the movie *this time,* but maybe you'll get a few kisses out of you if he's lucky ... That's what I would do, but do or say whatever feels most natural for you and your dynamic!

 

Thank you!

[dias]

My opinion is don’t incite anyone back for a “movie” unless you’re ready for sex. Because everyone knows what a movie means - and if you don’t mean that, the expectations won’t be lining up.

This. I would assume that you have something else on your mind. Better go to the club.

[j.man]

If you're not ready for sex, I would not invite him into your bedroom.

[greta96]

I don't know, to me inviting someone over does not equal an invitation to sex. Sex isn't (or shouldn't be) an expectation, and it annoys me to no end that it is. Sometimes it is just easier to talk and get to know one another in a more private setting, clubs and bars aren't going to do it. But that doesn't mean sex has to be expected!

 

If it was me, I would go ahead and invite him, but make it crystal clear that sex is not on the table (but you have to mean it, not be one of those women who only say that, and when the time comes they just go for it because they "couldn't help it"!). Make it known that while you would like to spend time with him in a more comfortable setting, you are not even remotely close to become intimate with him. Then, show this with your actions.

He has eyes, so he can see for himself that you don't have a living room, therefore being in your bedroom won't seem out of the ordinary. And if he still tries something after you told him you weren't ready, then this will give you a glimpse into his character.

 

But only do this if you are 100% sure you won't cave in the moment, as there will probably be heavy makeout. If you think you'll cave, and reinforce the idea that some men seem to have, that "no" means "yes", then you're better off keeping things away from your or his place for now.

[yatsue]

I don't know, to me inviting someone over does not equal an invitation to sex. Sex isn't (or shouldn't be) an expectation, and it annoys me to no end that it is. Sometimes it is just easier to talk and get to know one another in a more private setting, clubs and bars aren't going to do it. But that doesn't mean sex has to be expected!

 

If it was me, I would go ahead and invite him, but make it crystal clear that sex is not on the table (but you have to mean it, not be one of those women who only say that, and when the time comes they just go for it because they "couldn't help it"!). Make it known that while you would like to spend time with him in a more comfortable setting, you are not even remotely close to become intimate with him. Then, show this with your actions.

He has eyes, so he can see for himself that you don't have a living room, therefore being in your bedroom won't seem out of the ordinary. And if he still tries something after you told him you weren't ready, then this will give you a glimpse into his character.

 

But only do this if you are 100% sure you won't cave in the moment, as there will probably be heavy makeout. If you think you'll cave, and reinforce the idea that some men seem to have, that "no" means "yes", then you're better off keeping things away from your or his place for now.

 

Excellent advice. A more private setting is indeed at each other's places to get to know each other better (non-public place). It is only natural you guys will soon make it to visiting each other, and it shouldn't be clouded by sex if you're not ready. Going to public places all the time slows down the relationship IMO, until you all start to visit each other. If the expectation is set ahead of time, then you both should be on the same page since this would be clear.

 

However, like stated, there is a chance he may go for it anyway. I would include in your statement that in no circumstances are you ready for sex yet and he would be disappointed if he does expect it at any time. I also advise to not do this late at night and not have him stay the night.

[Mikaila]

Thank you! No absolutely, he is the second man I have ever gone out with so I am like back to be a virgin if not physically but emotionally.

[DancingFool]

Inviting him over for dinner and telling him straight up that it's only dinner is one thing. Inviting him up to your bedroom after going out clubbing is a whole different ball game. If you aren't ready for sex, then don't do that.

 

Yes men should be gentlemen, an invitation to your place isn't an invitation for sex, yes most men will abide......BUT it only takes one ahole to wreck your life. Why put yourself in a situation where that can happen? If you aren't ready, then don't create an environment where things can go too far.

[Wiseman2]

It may be misinterpreted but ultimately you control if you want sex or not. Just invite him for dinner and skip the bedroom movie. Google "Netflix and chill"

I still have the idea in my mind to invite him home for dinner and watch a movie afterwards. I am not ready to have sex though and I am sure inviting him home would create expectations.

[dias]

Inviting him over for dinner and telling him straight up that it's only dinner is one thing. Inviting him up to your bedroom after going out clubbing is a whole different ball game. If you aren't ready for sex, then don't do that.

 

Yes men should be gentlemen, an invitation to your place isn't an invitation for sex, yes most men will abide......BUT it only takes one ahole to wreck your life. Why put yourself in a situation where that can happen? If you aren't ready, then don't create an environment where things can go too far.

What does this mean? that he will compel her having sex with him? that's rape. Probably you have too many rapists in the US.

[j.man]

I agree that no man should assume a simple invitation to a woman's home is in and of itself the "go ahead." But there's a big difference between inviting a guy to your apartment when you've got an actual dwelling to have a respectable date in, and essentially inviting a man into your bedroom to watch Netflix. Factor in that they've been progressing physically each of the past dates and I'm really not sure what else you expect a guy to take from it. I always have and always will maintain that no man should assume "no" ever means "yes," but this situation is pretty much as close as it gets. And I don't say that because I think he's going to go for it even if you say it's off-limits, but that, imagining myself in his position, it puts a guy in a pretty ****ty place when he's expected to still take the lead while navigating that kind of webbing.

 

And if a woman ever invited me into her bedroom with the disclaimer, "Nothing can happen tonight," it'd be a flat out "nope." Not because I need to have sex with her to see her, but because there are a million and one better date ideas if sex is going to be off the table. And God forbid she, of sound mind, changes her mind in the moment and I'm considered the new town rapist for letting her hop on.

 

I can sympathize with you as I really did enjoy no-expectations inviting women over for dinner. It's a great date idea that doesn't need to end on any steamier a note than making out on the couch. You're just in an unfortunate position where your apartment simply doesn't afford you that kind of timid setting. Rather than putting him in such a gray situation and awkwardly throwing in a preamble on sexual boundaries, you'd honestly be better off asking if you could make him dinner at his place, bringing whatever you need to do so with. You'd be killing two birds with one stone. You get the private dinner date, and explaining that your place is essentially a bit too "cozy" to accommodate is a pretty good hint to him that you're not quite ready for all that noise.

[Mikaila]

I agree that no man should assume a simple invitation to a woman's home is in and of itself the "go ahead." But there's a big difference between inviting a guy to your apartment when you've got an actual dwelling to have a respectable date in, and essentially inviting a man into your bedroom to watch Netflix. Factor in that they've been progressing physically each of the past dates and I'm really not sure what else you expect a guy to take from it. I always have and always will maintain that no man should assume "no" ever means "yes," but this situation is pretty much as close as it gets. And I don't say that because I think he's going to go for it even if you say it's off-limits, but that, imagining myself in his position, it puts a guy in a pretty ****ty place when he's expected to still take the lead while navigating that kind of webbing.

 

And if a woman ever invited me into her bedroom with the disclaimer, "Nothing can happen tonight," it'd be a flat out "nope." Not because I need to have sex with her to see her, but because there are a million and one better date ideas if sex is going to be off the table. And God forbid she, of sound mind, changes her mind in the moment and I'm considered the new town rapist for letting her hop on.

 

I can sympathize with you as I really did enjoy no-expectations inviting women over for dinner. It's a great date idea that doesn't need to end on any steamier a note than making out on the couch. You're just in an unfortunate position where your apartment simply doesn't afford you that kind of timid setting. Rather than putting him in such a gray situation and awkwardly throwing in a preamble on sexual boundaries, you'd honestly be better off asking if you could make him dinner at his place, bringing whatever you need to do so with. You'd be killing two birds with one stone. You get the private dinner date, and explaining that your place is essentially a bit too "cozy" to accommodate is a pretty good hint to him that you're not quite ready for all that noise.

 

That's great! I had not thought about that (he lives in town 30 minutes by car from mine). Usually I am not a person to auto-invite myself but this is a marvellous idea on how to put it without having to enter in the non-sex discussion. Thank you very much for replying again!

[maew]

"What does this mean? that he will compel her having sex with him? that's rape. Probably you have too many rapists in the US."

 

Wow. I mean, I won't get into a big discussion about this, except to say that rape happens everywhere, in every country. There are many good men that would never disrespect a woman this way, and there are also many men that absolutely would.

 

OP I agree that just because you invite someone over doesn't mean they should get to have their way with you, but the reality is that until the world drastically changes, it's a good idea to be cautious.