Sunflower93 Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 I'm crying while writing this so sorry if there's typos i can't really see. Basically I broke up with my ex in June been NC since September he texted me once to say his dog died I said sorry that was it. If you read my other threads you know he was really really bad for me, he hurt me to the point where I didn't want to live anymore, and then left after breadcrumbing me all summer and watching my heart shatter. I have been trying my absolute hardest to find myself and my inner strength and beauty. I haven't dated or even talked to guys. I've been 100% working on myself and have been getting happier and less heartbroken. Now he finally crawled out of whatever hole he was in and texted me on a new number (he's been blocked in every capacity). He immediately went from hi to come over to I wanna do you. This hurt me so much bc he was my first love (I'm 24) and I thought we were both in love. Now he just keeps showing me it was only me. He tried adding my cousin and best friend on Facebook and messaged them both, then added me and both of them on Snapchat. He messaged my cousin who he knows is the closest person to me and told her he always wanted to do stuff to her and still does. I cannot bring to words the pain I feel right now. I loved this man with my whole heart, I thought we would get married and have children. I loved him despite his many many flaws. How could I be so worthless to him?How could he violate me so horribly? Ive never been treated this disgustingly wicked in all my life. I just want to know how I will ever get past this pain. I was doing good now the relationship I relive over and over in my dreams every night is being brought back up and twisted into such an ugly lie. Now I feel like every time he said he loved me and he finally found me was a lie. I didn't think my heart could break any more it was barely beating to begin with. Link to comment
fabact Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds horrible and has zero integrity. Try to block him every way you can to heal. You deserve better. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 Time to change your number. This guy is a complete douchebag!!!! Stop seeing yourself as victim. See your part for continuing to take his crap, as long as you did. You were complicit. Once you see your part in this - by sticking around - you will learn and grow. You will also learn to choose better partners, and not ignore/excuse red flags. People do not move in with one another within three days of meeting. What were you thinking!!!!! This should not happen before a year. He told you that he loved you in three days. He did not know you. Big red flag. Love takes time. He was also abusive, living off and cheating on you. I also suggest a counselor, to understand why you were with this lunatic/loser. Link to comment
Sunflower93 Posted January 23, 2018 Author Share Posted January 23, 2018 Ok to say I'm crying victim is not constructive at all. I said that I've been taking the steps to better myself and find my inner strength, which includes finding the role I had in my relationship and getting rid of my codependency issues I didn't think I needed to spell all of that out. This is why I hate posting here because it's supposed to be a safe space to emote yourself but then people want to judge your character based on it. I'm only expressing the pain I feel after he did something horrible and went to great lengths to hurt me after I have avoided him for months, which was a decision I made to move on. All I wanted was maybe some encouragement and empathy. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 I'm telling you the truth! I was not judging your character, but very poor decisions. I did not see where you had written about your part in this, just that you were seeing yourself as the victim. Empower yourself! Enough with the empathy seeking. It's been six months and you are far from over this guy. I hope that you have sought a counselor. And get a new number. Link to comment
LootieTootie Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 I have a feeling he is probably saying all that stuff to your cousin to get back at you because someone as miserable as him (reading your other threads) can't accept that you can actually have the strength to ignore him. For your own sanity, growth and happiness... block him. Stop talking to your cousin if your cousin continues to talk to you about him. What you need is continued space from him so you get your own independence and happiness back. Link to comment
Sunflower93 Posted January 23, 2018 Author Share Posted January 23, 2018 Jesus it was not after 3 days he had his own place for 2 months, and again going "what were you thinking!!!" is so judgmental and I honestly don't understand what's the point of you even responding. You must be perfect, that's why you're on this forum right? I don't even know why I tried posting here. I do have a counselor (didnt think I had to spell that out either) who encourages me to post on things like this rather than do something rash like message him. Guess I'll just stick to talking to my friends and my church because obviously this is a place to get criticized for your mistakes. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 I was going from your original post. "Basically I met my ex last august and I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pursued me so heavily almost to the point of obsession, I gave in and we moved wayyyy faster than I was comfortable with but I just went with it. He told me he loved me after 3 days and we basically lived together after that because he never left my apartment and eventually he lost his place after the 2nd month and he was renting his room out anyways so he was fully living with me at that point." Link to comment
Sunflower93 Posted January 23, 2018 Author Share Posted January 23, 2018 The point is that you're judging, whether it be my decisions or my character, you still shouldn't be. This website is called e NOT ALONE so to tell me enough with the empathy seeking is ridiculous. I've been empowering myself for MONTHS, I haven't sought empathy for MONTHS. Since you read my other threads you know how long it's been since I posted. An incident happened, I felt really crappy about it and I wanted support to continue to empower myself. Which is why everyone is here. Link to comment
Carus Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 What he is doing lately has reopened that wound for you. I'm very sorry and I feel your pain* You said above that you had been starting to feel better so continue doing what you've been doing and hopefully you will bounce back a bit quicker this time around. Don't discount the healing you have already done so far* I hear you* Carus* Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 Yes. But, you are hysterical over someone who treated you like garbage. The relationship was severely dysfunctional. Support yourself by being angry at this jerk, and understanding what brought you to this place. The relationship was always off. Focus on that. I am not trying to be mean. But, you really need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I also think it is great that you have sought therapy and have addressed your codependency!!!! You have given this guy enough of your energy, nightly dreams and thoughts. "I didn't think my heart could break any more it was barely beating to begin with." You need to move forward from this! Link to comment
Kitten93 Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 Unlike you I'm not going to tell you "you must hate yourself" and that you are dysfunctional. Change your number and become unreachable. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 I agree that you need to change your number, OP. Give him no way to access you. And please, tell you family members not to interact with him. They are not helping you by doing so. If they insist on maintaining communication with him, they need to not report it back to you. Link to comment
ChasingHope Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 OP--you can block people on this forum; though they can still comment on your post, you won't see what they comment. Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Sunflower - Holly doesn't always put things in the best way but she means well. I was in the same situation as you - I blocked my ex, she changed her number. So I changed mine and she started messaging family and friends. Some people are just sneaky. But once the emotion started to simmer down I realized my role and all the crap I put up with and red flags I ignored. You're amped up on emotion and that's totally understandable - hell, I bumped into my ex the other week after 2 years of not seeing her and I didn't eat for days. But when you come down from those emotions and things start to balance out, if you look you'll see your role. It's not a judgment - there are two people in every relationship and both contribute good and bad in their own way. You leaving him was a strong thing to do and a great beginning, and blocking him is tough - look at all the people on here who can't seem to do that! You're going in the right direction. I'm not against having a pity party or wallowing in it because everyone heals on their own time and in different ways. But when the time is right, that'll become anger towards him and you'll be in the right place to do something constructive with it. Feel free to let it out here. If you have to block people, block them, but try not to take things so personal because when things simmer down and you look at Holly's posts again, you'll see them differently and not as an attack. Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Please read up on Narcissist abuse. If you’d like some links to help you get started, please PM me. As someone who has gone something very similar, I know exactly how you feel. These relationships follow a very distinct pattern: Love bombing: you’re their soulmate, they never met anyone like you, they love you so soon Future faking: let’s move in together, they only want to plan a future with you Idealize: you are the most amazing person they ever met Devalue: suddenly, you’re not everything they thought you were, and they start finding little faults Replace: they start to replace you, usually without your knowledge. They already have their next target lined up, at least mentally Discard: Sudden buh-bye. You have an empathetic nature, which is what draws them to you. It’s not as easy as just “block and move on”. There’s something going on with you, probably childhood related, that caused you to bond with him. Discovering all of this will help you unlock this grip so that you can move on and find a healthy life, and ultimately a healthy partner. Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 I just read your thread from a couple of months ago, and I posted almost the exact same thing to you then. You will be writing again here in a year if you do not look into this. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Ok to say I'm crying victim is not constructive at all. I said that I've been taking the steps to better myself and find my inner strength, which includes finding the role I had in my relationship and getting rid of my codependency issues I didn't think I needed to spell all of that out. This is why I hate posting here because it's supposed to be a safe space to emote yourself but then people want to judge your character based on it. I'm only expressing the pain I feel after he did something horrible and went to great lengths to hurt me after I have avoided him for months, which was a decision I made to move on. All I wanted was maybe some encouragement and empathy. While blunt, Holly is giving you helpful advice believe it or not. Victimizing yourself is probably one of the worst things you can do and keeps you stuck. There's really no way around it, as long as you feel you are a victim of his actions and are focused on them, he still has a hold over you, he still has power. If his presence is upsetting you to the point of suicidal thoughts, the best thing to do would be to take action, change your number, tell all your family and friends under no circumstance do you want any update about him, tell them your life literally depends on it. They need to stop. Cut off any and all access he has to you. Put yourself first, your focus is still on him and it's upsetting you to a point that is unsafe and that's not good. Sometimes a little tough love is necessary to kind of jolt you into realizing you are what's important, not him or his actions. Posters can go on and on about how much of an abusive pr*ck he is and give you some pats on the back, but that's at best temporarily soothing you. The pains still going to be there until you face it and like Holly said, own it, and commit to yourself and love yourself enough to take the steps to move forward. It's far from easy but it's necessary. I get it, I've been there, it gets better, time and focus on you, you will get there. Link to comment
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