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Sunflower93

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  1. basically i have a coworker who i have gotten close to and hang out with outside of work so i would consider her a friend. she knows that i was kind of interested in our other coworker. he's honestly kind of an f boy and will do subtle things like snapchat gym pics and rub my arm and shoulders. then also talk about how everyone wants to bang him. so this is honestly not so much about him, im so over wanting guys like him. its that she at first essentially said she doesnt want him so i can have him, which already rubbed me the wrong way bc our friendship was new and i was like woah what makes you think i would need you to bow out in order for me to be able to have him. hes not her type, and they barely talked so i brushed it off. but me and him became friends at the same time that her and i's friendship grew so naturally i brought them closer in friendship. before she honestly kind of avoided him and she told me it was on purpose since hes the type to think everyone wants him. i told her i knew she was probably doing that and i dont like giving him the satisfsction of flirting back either since its just a game to him. but when i said i feel like her avoiding him makes him more curious about her, her eyes kind of lit up. fast forward, we all went out to get a drink and he added us on insta. she then later initiated a group chat with him and i which i thought was kind of weird. like its always just work related jokes we send but if shes so uninterested in him why bother growing that relationship outside of work. then she was telling me she was joking with him about other coworkers. to me its annoying because i know how girls are and i feel like she's seeking him out just little bc of the fact that i liked him and him and i had a friendship first. im not trying to sound childish i just want to get this out bc i know im not making stuff up in my head and this is such a stupid problem that i wanna hear what other people think. idk if im painting the best picture just how shes doing it is in that super subtle competitive way that girls do. and im irritated that friends still are like this in their 20s.
  2. Thank you so much for this, you are very insightful! All of you are! You all gave me something to really think about which is how critical my internal voice is. I tend to overanalyze every little action I do that I feel may have been embarrassing or stupid then berate myself for it. I like the idea to just stop those thoughts in their tracks and uplift myself instead. I don't find daily affirmations and things like that helpful so this is an easy change I can make. I'm planning on seeing my PCP next week so they will help me find a therapist I like hopefully. I tried joining a group at my church that was especially for women going struggling with anything, but I feel like I just wasn't ready then to confront anything. As far as being spontaneous and ignoring my problems I have done that for the majority of my adulthood and that has proven to be unproductive, for me at least. All of the introspection I've finally given myself permission to do has actually helped me grow a lot. I started going out and doing all the things I love a few months ago and it was hard and empty at first but I'm starting to feel like my old self again, though it can still feel empty at times. I'm only 24 though and I just feel like I'm broken still, which is why I posted seeing if anyone can possibly relate so I can nip this in the bud finally. But thank you everyone ❤ I screenshotted your posts for when I need encouragement.
  3. Hi all, It's been pretty much a year since I last saw my ex. I have taken this year to do some deep internal searching and focusing on myself. As I have said in previous posts, I had a particularly difficult upbringing and I realized after this break up I've never really confronted a lot of the traumas I've been through or even taken the time to think about how they might have affected me as a person. I never realized the pattern in my choosing guys that are unavailable and uncommunicative, much like my father, and giving way too much of myself when I know better. I also never realized how much I need to learn to love myself, which brings me to this forum again after months. I completely took a break from guys, I kissed a guy at a party in January but other than that it's been a solid year with no dating. I have a guy that just started at my job who I find really attractive and he singled me out from my other coworkers to ask to hang out sometime and got my number. I really don't want to date a coworker bc I feel it's not very professional, but while I was driving I was thinking about dating him just as a hypothetical scenario and I felt this weird feeling that I couldn't put my finger on. It was a mix of finding him attractive but also feeling so unmotivated to even pursue anything, with anyone not just him. The strange part is that I've been starting to feel kind of lonely these past couple months and have been thinking about maybe dating if the opportunity ever presented itself. I realized the feelings I felt were discouragement from being hurt in the past and insecurity also from being hurt but mainly from not understanding what he sees in me. And I find it so exhausting and kind of obnoxious to feel this way and so contradicting from what I want which is to eventually find healthy love. I don't feel like it's that I still have feelings for my ex, it's that I need confidence in myself and I wish I could break down this great wall of China I've been building since the age of 3. I know the obvious is therapy, which I just got new insurance so I'm going to ask for a referral. I also go to church so that helps me a lot but it's only once a week. I just want to know if anyone has suggestions for loving yourself on a day to day basis and forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to get hurt in the past. Thanks!
  4. If this was to get my attention it absolutely was not the way to do it. But I know you and I know you're honestly just a disgusting person and were legitimately tryna hook up with her. That's what is giving me this pain... I thought maybe you used to love me and fell out of love. But now I see it was all just a lie. You never loved me they were just words. I told you everything and you know that and you know how she always went to great lengths to lower my self esteem. How could you ing do this?? This goes beyond having love and respect for me this is just basic human decency. There are millions of girls out there why are you going after my friends and family. You're a wicked and broken person and you will never be better. I'm not broken, you are. After everything we shared with each other you ing know better. I am trying to move the on and just leave all this especially you in the past. Just leave me the alone like I said. I always wanted someone to love me, you know that. And for mentoncome to terms that I was the only one that was in love. I don't even know how. I feel like love doesn't even exist except for maybe with God but love between humans.. I don't know maybe it just doesn't exist for me. You really made me believe you loved me you begged me to believe you loved and constantly said how much I mean to you. What was the point.. You weren't even there when I wanted to hurt myself. You just said I'm breaking your heart then went back to sexting girls. Why am I like this, why can't I just realize you're a ing shell of a human with an evil heart and move on. You met me when I was too weak and weakened me further. Now I'm stuck at ground zero and I just don't know why I have to go through all of this what is the ing point. These aren't lessons normal people have to learn. And my life has been ty enough. I didn't need any extra lessons from the school of hard knocks. And I definitely didn't need this lesson right now I already was avoiding you like the plague. Why did I need to know you really didn't love me. I don't feel that was a necessary lesson. I already suspected and I absolutely didn't want you back. Did I need that knock out punch to finish the job? I was already down! With my hands in the air! I'm sensitive especially when it comes to you everyone knows that.. I just didn't ing need this. Now I'm late to ing work. I cannot express enough how much I did not need this final kill, I was barely putting myself back together and being able to breathe normal again. Now it's like back to square one. Back to a place I absolutely did not want to be at.
  5. The point is that you're judging, whether it be my decisions or my character, you still shouldn't be. This website is called e NOT ALONE so to tell me enough with the empathy seeking is ridiculous. I've been empowering myself for MONTHS, I haven't sought empathy for MONTHS. Since you read my other threads you know how long it's been since I posted. An incident happened, I felt really crappy about it and I wanted support to continue to empower myself. Which is why everyone is here.
  6. Jesus it was not after 3 days he had his own place for 2 months, and again going "what were you thinking!!!" is so judgmental and I honestly don't understand what's the point of you even responding. You must be perfect, that's why you're on this forum right? I don't even know why I tried posting here. I do have a counselor (didnt think I had to spell that out either) who encourages me to post on things like this rather than do something rash like message him. Guess I'll just stick to talking to my friends and my church because obviously this is a place to get criticized for your mistakes.
  7. Ok to say I'm crying victim is not constructive at all. I said that I've been taking the steps to better myself and find my inner strength, which includes finding the role I had in my relationship and getting rid of my codependency issues I didn't think I needed to spell all of that out. This is why I hate posting here because it's supposed to be a safe space to emote yourself but then people want to judge your character based on it. I'm only expressing the pain I feel after he did something horrible and went to great lengths to hurt me after I have avoided him for months, which was a decision I made to move on. All I wanted was maybe some encouragement and empathy.
  8. I'm crying while writing this so sorry if there's typos i can't really see. Basically I broke up with my ex in June been NC since September he texted me once to say his dog died I said sorry that was it. If you read my other threads you know he was really really bad for me, he hurt me to the point where I didn't want to live anymore, and then left after breadcrumbing me all summer and watching my heart shatter. I have been trying my absolute hardest to find myself and my inner strength and beauty. I haven't dated or even talked to guys. I've been 100% working on myself and have been getting happier and less heartbroken. Now he finally crawled out of whatever hole he was in and texted me on a new number (he's been blocked in every capacity). He immediately went from hi to come over to I wanna do you. This hurt me so much bc he was my first love (I'm 24) and I thought we were both in love. Now he just keeps showing me it was only me. He tried adding my cousin and best friend on Facebook and messaged them both, then added me and both of them on Snapchat. He messaged my cousin who he knows is the closest person to me and told her he always wanted to do stuff to her and still does. I cannot bring to words the pain I feel right now. I loved this man with my whole heart, I thought we would get married and have children. I loved him despite his many many flaws. How could I be so worthless to him?How could he violate me so horribly? Ive never been treated this disgustingly wicked in all my life. I just want to know how I will ever get past this pain. I was doing good now the relationship I relive over and over in my dreams every night is being brought back up and twisted into such an ugly lie. Now I feel like every time he said he loved me and he finally found me was a lie. I didn't think my heart could break any more it was barely beating to begin with.
  9. I've posted a few times about my ex, we were together 9 months, lived and spent everyday together all 9 months. No separation whatsoever, at his constant request might I add. If I ever asked for space and for him to go spend the night somewhere I didn't get it. I'm just trying to paint the picture of attachment here. He was my first love, I'm only 23 and many guys have tried but I'm very closed off and have trust issues so he was the first one I gave a chance bc it felt different and real. He constantly told me he wanted to marry me and would love me forever, up until the end of our relationship. He did horrible things during our relationship and texted other girls but look I've said this before regardless of what he did I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him bc that's what love is to me. He strung me along for 4 months after we broke up bc I didn't want to break up. Now it's been 3 weeks NC and almost 5 months since the breakup and I still am in tremendous pain. I have no idea how to get over the fact that I wasn't worth it. He hasn't ONCE begged for me back tried to apologize or show any freaking signs of remorse. I said the words let's break up but he damn sure enforced it so it's honestly his break up. He had the ability to leave me after he promised me over and over that he loved me. He promised me over and over that I can trust him and he won't hurt me he won't abandon me. I'm sitting here writing this in tears bc it's been 3 weeks of torture being mostly fine during the day then dreaming about him at night then waking up to the realization that it's just a dream and he's really gone and he still doesn't care. I've tried everything and I'm still in this sad lonely place and I know everyone here is hurting too but I just feel like no one gets where I'm coming from. I loved him so deeply I feel like he broke me. I have had a pretty hard life so I know when certain things will be the things that break me and this takes the cake. Imagine NEVER trusting anyone, having been assualted and hurt and let down you're WHOLE life. Now you finally think you met the one you've been waiting for the one to take the pain away and they just walk away like you were NOTHING like it didn't f'ing happen! How does he have the capacity to do that to me? And when I beg to just be friends the only response I get is a cold "I'm moving on". I feel like it's never going to happen for me. I loved him with my whole entire being and now my whole entire being is in searing pain. I feel like even if I try every guy will eventually lose interest and give up on me. I feel like no one can see the light in my heart and how much I have to give. I'm not being dramatic I have no one in my life that hasn't been cheated on and used especially my mom by my dad. I just want the person that will never hurt me and restore my heart but I feel like that doesn't exist. Everyone gets bored.
  10. I am feeling spook much closer to healed, to be fair we DID break up 4 months ago. I realllyyyyy wish I would have done NC right away but that's not really my fault, you made it seem like we're not done in fact you kept telling me we're not done so you for that. Talking bout "oh I'm still here I didn't go anywhere" I really hate you when I think about what you've done. I wanted to get to this phase tho cuz for me at least when anger is the strongest emotion that means I'm almost healed. Cuz it's easier for me to let go of anger than hurt and sadness. I want to hear from you bc something wants you to regret this so bad you cry every night, but I know you've been fine this whole time so I just want to never hear from you again. I will never check your social media again if I have any say about it and if only I could stop myself from dreaming about you so I can really move on. At least in my dreams you get farther away so I don't have to see your face. I know it's not healthy to forget but damn do I want to forget. Everything. It was such a freaking mess. I wish so bad I would have broke up with you last year. Or even on January after that huge fight. You never deserved all I have to you. I'm so done thinking about you and talking about you. Like ok you broke my heart and didn't give af what's done is done I'm tired of dwelling and screaming why at the sky. I'm never gonna know why and you know what I accept that. If I could only accept that what we had was a lie and move on then I would be healed.
  11. I really do appreciate the advice it is honestly so invaluable to me!! I have been reading your thread too and it gives me so much hope that I can get through this. Its been 4 days NC so far so I hope 40 days from now I can say I reallyyyyy don't care anymore. It's so unbelievably annoying to me to dwell over someone I KNOW is not doing the same for me. But I have no choice I'm a prisoner in my own emotions and I just have to ride them out. I almost stalked his social media today but I honestly am so tired of getting devasted that I don't have the dedication to keep torturing myself like that. That's where I'm at, after 4 months getting my heart yo-yoed only to be told that he's "moving on" when we never had a clear talk about the fact that he was done until that statement. That was all I needed to know. Like wow, I should have been a pair of old basketball shorts, then you would have held on to me for dear f*king life. Btw we were together 9 months and we lived together pretty much the whole 9 months (long story, he was really intense about his care for me at first). I hope I will get as far as all of you and push through this initial pain.
  12. Thank you!! You all have no idea how much this forum has improved my ability to heal. I just go straight to here instead of stalk him on fb or try and snap chat him and it's making my life so much easier. I'm really trying to let go I got rid of everything and anything that reminded me of him and it was a lot of stuff bc we lived together. And going to the gym literally makes me so much happier I can't even explain. I still am trying to combat the loneliness and everyone says "you were you before him so you'll be you after him" but I was getting lonely when I met him, that's why I accepted him. I feel like I'm letting go so all this is my heart trying to fight it by bombarding me with all these emotions. Hopefully it'll all reach that place of indifference and I can just be me again. You're advice really did help tho so thank you 😊
  13. Thank you! It's funny, not to sound pathetic, but I feel like I have friends that actually freaking understand and know what to say and what I need to hear lol I did quit my job, but only cuz I took an interview this week for a place that I probably wouldn't have taken if I was with him and now I'm going to be making double what I make now starting in a couple weeks! it's so weird it's like every other aspect of my life is flourishing aside from my love life of course. I really do hope he isn't moving on so easily like he says tho cuz that would really break my heart. I have no idea why tho it's not like he owes me anything, I'm just really sentimental I guess and I feel like we shared a lot.
  14. Thank you so much. So much enlightenment in one post! I see what you're saying about the control thing I just never thought about it in that way. Especially not as a reason for why I put up with this BS. But now I see that is a huge reason why I stayed. Not to mention today I found a journal I had from march and I was saying that he was not the one and I wanted so much more out of life than a lazy uncaring man. So it's crazy how heartbroken I am now when I had barely wanted to stay. I swear the dissonance I'm experiencing is uncanny. Can you expand on that your point a little bit more? I'm just curious
  15. I just listened to the very few voicemails I have left from you and they're mostly pocket dials but I could here you with everyone laughing and having fun in the background so it just made me think.. was all that laughter and happiness worth throwing away? During summer the few times we did talk and I told you I was lonely you said you were too. Do you know how effed up that is?? You were literally telling me you would rather be alone and lonely than be with me. Because you NEVER hit me up just to hang out it was only for sex, then the last time we hung out you were holding me and kissing me like you missed me so much was the point of all that? You gave up everything we had and now I'm the only one left destroyed I'm sitting here posting on forums TRYING to regain my sanity and you are just living life. You took me by the hand and showed me what love was then you just walked away and walked out of my life like nothing ever happened. How is that fair?!!! Why do I have to be left to pick up the pieces why are you so ok and not heart broken like with your last girlfriend. How come I meant so much less to you and so little. I wish I never met you in the first place. You ruined my life.
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