Sociopath?

[snkv]

I have posted numerous threads about my redundant situation.

 

Long story short, I have lost a girl I fell for, while going through a breakup with my ex. We were dating for 8 months, and suddenly she went into a new relationship over the course of week and a half - "things just happened spontaneously". Forget logic, forget sense, forget everything, this is the worst part of my life so far.

 

I did the mistake of opening about my feelings after she texted me, one of the many times she did after we stopped seeing or hearing each other. And after that I asked her politely to stop any sort of contact with me, she agreed. From then on, she takes every possible opportunity to contact me on holidays, be it thus national or personal, work etc.

 

I am dealing with severe depression, went to bed 4 AM this morning, just because I had to. Not being able to focus on anything, lost all of my social contacts in the city where I work. I have a name day today, and ofcourse she contacts me, with a wish tailored to the last character. Wishing me love, success and carefully crafted wishes for material things and travel that we were going after together.

 

She is now 4 months into this new relationship, and she constantly wishes me love and success, and "to find what I am looking for" stuff. Why won't she stop and simply go die or something like that? Each time I almost made peace with the past, she snaps out of nothing and keeps a friendly reminder that she exists. I have blocked her on all social media, skipping all places that I might meet her at, and still, I can't live one day calm and focused on a real problem.

 

I am 28 and I feel that my best of times are going through pure waste, hate and regret. I did not choose to feel like this. How can I fix my head and heart?

[glitterfingers]

Two things: she's contacting you because she feels guilty, and she doesn't realise that the best thing she can do for you is to leave you alone so you can heal. Maybe try explaining that to her. "I know you think what you are doing is kind, but I don't want to be reminded of you all the time while I'm moving on with a life that doesn't include you, so I would appreciate it if you stop contacting me". From then on, either block her number or just don't respond - if you have enough self-control, don't read anything from her either.

 

Second point: It's definitely not her fault you are so low. Yes, these are years of your life that you would want to enjoy if you can. You can't fix your heart, but you can take steps to fix your head and that will reframe the way your 'heart' feels about things... Instead of looking at things as an ending and a reason to be sad, if you get your mental health on a better path, you will see these changes as a new beginning and a reason to feel hope. That is part of moving on.

 

Go to a doctor and get your depression treated. You need to see a counsellor regularly for somewhere to talk and someone to be there for support. Lean on whatever friends and family you have, go out and just do things that you find fun that take your mind off your problems - if that's grabbing a drink with an old friend, trying a new activity/sport/class/learning a new language, visiting a new area or restaurant or hiking trail, finding some new music to listen to (Spotify is great... especially with some bluetooth speakers ). Seek out new experiences and they will propel you forward, at least enough to see you through until you find something else to keep you occupied.

 

Good luck

[glitterfingers]

I read some of your previous posts. I can see that you are really struggling.

 

A counsellor will help because you need some consistency from someone and somewhere to get your thoughts out so they don't continue swimming in a vicious cycle inside your head. That's what counsellors are there for. Get an emergency referral. You definitely need it.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself for struggling - sometimes we need to feel the pain/drown a little in it before we decide to take steps to pull ourselves out and put ourselves back together. Embracing the pain is part of healing. Nobody can avoid pain, no matter how good they are at handling these things. And nobody heals overnight. Try to keep this in mind, what you are experiencing right now feels like a bottomless pit, but it had an end - and that will come sooner than you think

 

Separate your emotions from your logic long enough to get yourself some support. Counsellor. Friends. Family. Eat well, get enough sleep, take a walk every day. Take care of the basics as much as you are able to. Things will turn around in no time.

 

Depression is a chemical imbalance, and thus a legitimate 'physical' illness (just that the organ it affects is the brain). So treat it as pragmatically as possible, the same way you would with a cold - drinking tea, getting plenty of rest, eating healthy foods. And seeing a doctor

[WaywardKiwi]

Hi snkv,

 

I can't add too much to the above re. counselling and taking care of yourself. You will get through it, I have been there, at much the same time in my life (35 now). You'll even look back and realise you have some real perspective because of it (not that gives you much comfort now).

 

I just wanted to offer some practical advice; new phone number and email if possible? If she is blocked on all social media, this should cut off all possible contact. You of course let the necessary people know the new number (work, family, friends, etc) but not her. I realise you can also block her through your providers, but sometimes I feel like something like a new number can be symbolic - a new start for you too.

 

Stay strong friend, you will be alright.

 

T

[Starlight925]

Whether or not she's a sociopath, none of us can diagnose. I will say, a lot of the signs are there.

 

That being said, the only reason she continues to contact you is to maintain that string, if/when her new relationship fails, she will have you as her fall-back guy. Don't let her. As others said, block her completely. Get a new phone number if you have to. Do not look her up on SM, and replace the thoughts of her with something else. Much easier said than done, I know.

[snkv]

Whether or not she's a sociopath, none of us can diagnose. I will say, a lot of the signs are there.

 

That being said, the only reason she continues to contact you is to maintain that string, if/when her new relationship fails, she will have you as her fall-back guy. Don't let her. As others said, block her completely. Get a new phone number if you have to. Do not look her up on SM, and replace the thoughts of her with something else. Much easier said than done, I know.

 

She is in a relationship with an older guy who literally told her that he doesn't have time for her early on. Now all of a sudden he does. Low-point hit rebound, but sh*t happens.

 

She wants to keep me on a string, yet she always tells me that I will find love, I will be good in time and so on. BUT she keeps and keeps on saying that, which is insane. She told me that nothing of what she did was meant to hurt me. She even told me to add her on social media again when "I feel ready". This girl is not right in the head. As much as I miss her very being, I hate her in the gut. Anger grows stronger each day, while I try and try to not think about her.

 

Social circle = 0, confidence gets lower and lower each day, everyone feels neediness inside me, despite the fact that I act stone cold. I am 6'3" , 230 lbs, athletic muscular body type, I don't cut slack on anyone. Yet this stupid redundant situation is destroying my life each day.

[Hollyj]

I do not understand why you have not BLOCKED her??? Why are you doing this to yourself.

 

See a counselor for help.

[DancingFool]

How is she contacting you like this if you've blocked her? Is she getting around that with different numbers or e-mails? Or are YOU keeping at least one line of communication still open? If the latter, for the love of.....stop torturing yourself and block her once and for all.

[Pleasedonot5]

I liked the first response: send that message to her. She needs to stop contacting you.

[DancingFool]

I liked the first response: send that message to her. She needs to stop contacting you.

 

I don't in this case. He has already asked her. She still does it. But there is a bigger reason for not asking anymore. When he is asking her to stop, etc. he is taking power of choice and action away from himself and putting it into her hands. He makes himself dependent on her decisions. That's not healthy, especially when you are that depressed. You are just adding to the feeling of helplessness. If he actively severs whatever last means of communication are left, he is taking that power back and making choices for himself. He is taking control of his life back into his own hands. It's empowering and the first solid step back to solid ground and feeling like he is in charge of his own life again. Granted, he should seek professional help too, but it would be a start to make that decision to sever all means of contact by any way necessary. If that means changing his phone and e-mail, so be it. When you make that decision and act on it, you give yourself an awful lot of power and freedom.

[Pleasedonot5]

To each their own -- I think your advice is good too, but I think the message enumerated by glitterfingers is likely more powerful a statement than was first said. Also, it remains OP's choice if he doesn't sit around waiting for an answer. Send the message, then block (immediately, or if another message is received).

[Hollyj]

To each their own -- I think your advice is good too, but I think the message enumerated by glitterfingers is likely more powerful a statement than was first said. Also, it remains OP's choice if he doesn't sit around waiting for an answer. Send the message, then block (immediately, or if another message is received).

 

Why send a message if you are going to block? It is counter productive.

 

If he has already asked her, she has already disrespected his request.

[DancingFool]

I'll also add another factor. If he asks, and she tends to only contact him on holidays, subconsciously he will be sitting around anxious waiting to see IF she will comply or contact him again during the next holiday. That's an awful lot of mental torture to put yourself through and a complete mental and emotional drain. Even if you are not fully aware, that worry is present in the back of your mind and another reason this person stays in your thoughts and keeps dragging you down. Why do that to yourself? There comes a point where you really do need to take charge of your life for your own sake and well being, make decisions, do what you need to do to execute those decisions and move forward with your life.

[Pleasedonot5]

Why send a message if you are going to block? It is counter productive.

 

If he has already asked her, she has already disrespected his request.

Digressing, I typically send a courtesy message if I am going to block someone, so it doesn't seem dramatic and out of the blue.

 

She has already disrespected his request, so I think there is opportunity for OP to stand up for himself. I personally think actively standing up for himself will encourage healing. Right now he's just letting himself get hit instead of verbally saying "no, enough" in the serious, stringent manner glitterfingers suggested.

[Hollyj]

I agree. He is not helpless.

[Hollyj]

Digressing, I typically send a courtesy message if I am going to block someone, so it doesn't seem dramatic and out of the blue.

 

She has already disrespected his request, so I think there is opportunity for OP to stand up for himself. I personally think actively standing up for himself will encourage healing. Right now he's just letting himself get hit instead of verbally saying "no, enough" in the serious, stringent manner glitterfingers suggested.

 

By telling someone the same thing. C'mon. She's not stupid. She simply doesn't care.

 

Why would you give someone courtesy when they do not give a crap about your feelings. You simply block, if they have already been told.

[Pleasedonot5]

By telling someone the same thing. C'mon. She's not stupid, she simply doesn't care.

 

Why would you give someone courtesy that does not give a crap about your feelings. You simply block, if they have already been told.

One of the things we realize as we garner more experience is that what works for one person, may not work for another. Standing up for myself by saying something similar to what glitterfingers said, i.e. ("I realize you think you are helping, but you are not. I need you to stop contacting me now so that I can heal and move on.") Is different than "I think I need space, can we have space for a bit and not contact each other?" I'm assuming that OP said something similar to the latter.

 

The latter is more passive and leaves room for the "kindness" she thinks she's showing. No, I don't think she's being a sociopath or sadist. I think it's either that she misses him in her life / feels guilty for breaking up, or wants to remind him of her presence. Both of those things need a direct "no." Block without this "no" first if you wish. However, in my personal experiences, that's not going to stop someone from "bumping" into you (even through mutual friends) if she thinks she's doing it to be kind or to stay in your life. A direct, "no" is needed, IMO. And that direct no, if OP is anything like me, will help OP in his healing.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, but he told her politely to not contact him. This should be sufficient.

[boltnrun]

Change your number! Yes, you can. It only took me about 20 minutes to text the people I wanted to have my new number. It's not that difficult or complicated.

 

It's the only way to stop receiving the messages that upset you so much.

[glitterfingers]

Agree with everything said here, for the record. If OP has the ability and will to immediately block all forms of contact, I think that is the most appropriate solution.

 

However, I also know that I myself am not always that strong. When relationships end, it can feel like a lot of things are left unsaid. Maybe that's why he has left the lines of communication open thus far. I find verbally putting my foot down helps me commit to a path of action - once it is said, I follow through with the actions, and then I don't look back and question if my actions were misinterpreted or inappropriate. There can be no doubt in that person's mind once I have reiterated my desires - as it is, I'm not sure if the OP may have been responding to her messages and actually encouraging her to continue

 

That's just me. I figured since OP has had difficulty blocking the person in question up until this point, they may prefer a similar approach. It's just an extra step in emotionally separating which softens the blow

 

But by all means, if blocking outright is an option, I see no reason to say anything further. It needs to be done. You will feel stronger for it, OP.

[Bru]

"he is taking power of choice and action away from himself and putting it into her hands."

 

This is one mistake that us gentlemen get caught into because we end up loving someone more than they love you. They change the person we once were and we become somebody else because we are driven by love and see future prospects and growth. We abandon ourselves and put everything into the relationship. We never imagine a break up coz everthing is way too good. By the time it all falls apart its the worst disaster. I suggest to ant1 that to never love some1 more than they love you, I have learned this.

[glitterfingers]

This is one mistake that us gentlemen get caught into because we end up loving someone more than they love you. They change the person we once were and we become somebody else because we are driven by love and see future prospects and growth. We abandon ourselves and put everything into the relationship. We never imagine a break up coz everthing is way too good. By the time it all falls apart its the worst disaster. I suggest to ant1 that to never love some1 more than they love you, I have learned this.

 

And I would suggest that by holding back on your love for someone, you are severely robbing yourself of the opportunity to live life to the full and experience the height of human emotions

 

But it's true, the higher the climb, the harder the fall

 

The key is boundaries. Respecting theirs, and setting/enforcing your own

[snkv]

Sudden change of priorities kills all meaning behind any type of logic. She says and does X , few days later she moves to Y without any guilt. This is the true nature of every woman I have met so far. I know that the wheel spins and I am not the first nor the last to experience this, but I am the one who owns me, and me, and only me hurts.

[Hollyj]

Maybe, you are choosing the wrong women.

[DancingFool]

Sudden change of priorities kills all meaning behind any type of logic. She says and does X , few days later she moves to Y without any guilt. This is the true nature of every woman I have met so far. I know that the wheel spins and I am not the first nor the last to experience this, but I am the one who owns me, and me, and only me hurts.

 

Trouble is that you are the common denominator and something within you draws you to those types of women. Might be a good time to work on figuring out what that might be. Change yourself, change your outcome and results.