He ghosted me...

[Roxie84]

Hi all,

 

I haven't been here for a while because I found some members to be very harsh and unforgiving in their responses. I'm here hoping for someone who can relate to give me some insight.

 

I have known this man for about 3 years. I'm 31 and he's 29.

 

In 2015 he told my best friend that he has feelings for me. I overlooked him because I was in a very jaded place where I just wanted to be left alone.

 

I haven't dated anyone since 2011 by the way..

 

But this year in June, we hooked up on my birthday and I woke up next to him. We talked about it and agreed on a casual arrangement.

 

However, he (not me), started getting very emotional. I started to let my guard down and we started "acting couply".

 

Early September, he ghosted me. He told a number or our mutual friends that he did because "I'm not good enough for her."

 

Finally, in late october he approached and apologized. He said his feelings for me scared him and he profusely said he was sorry.

 

A few weeks after moving forward, we started sleeping together again. This time he was staying at my place every weekend, and we spent the holidays together.

 

We constantly cuddled, kissed, held hands, and could not get enough of each other sexually.

 

On Christmas eve, we were having a very emotional moment where we were both crying. He said he loves me.

 

One week later on new years eve, he told me he couldn't spend new years with me anymore and had to go to his sister's party.. He kissed me, said goodbye, and I haven't heard form him since.

 

I'm devastated here... someone please tell me why someone would ghost after we got so far.

 

And please don't be so damn harsh in responses. We are all emotional beings and the tough "love" is not necessary in every response.

[shessofly]

What is his history? Bad breakup? Sounds like he is afraid of getting attached. If he comes back I'd think long and hard about giving him another chance. Sorry. Have you tried reaching out to him?

[Roxie84]

I did text him at midnight on new years, then two days later to ask "are you okay? I haven't heard form you." A few days after that I sent him one last text saying that I was disappointed in him for ghosting on me again.

 

He did break up with someone in 2014. She broke his heart in a lot of ways, but he admits that he was selfish in their relationship and didn't always do right by her. During all of our emotional talks, he doesn't seem to have any residual feelings from the relationship.

 

He does have a small brain injury from a car accident many years ago, and is a VERY shy guy until you get to know him, though..

[Imho]

Hi all,

 

I haven't been here for a while because I found some members to be very harsh and unforgiving in their responses. I'm here hoping for someone who can relate to give me some insight.

 

I have known this man for about 3 years. I'm 31 and he's 29.

 

In 2015 he told my best friend that he has feelings for me. I overlooked him because I was in a very jaded place where I just wanted to be left alone.

 

I haven't dated anyone since 2011 by the way..

 

But this year in June, we hooked up on my birthday and I woke up next to him. We talked about it and agreed on a casual arrangement.

 

However, he (not me), started getting very emotional. I started to let my guard down and we started "acting couply".

 

Early September, he ghosted me. He told a number or our mutual friends that he did because "I'm not good enough for her."

 

Finally, in late october he approached and apologized. He said his feelings for me scared him and he profusely said he was sorry.

 

A few weeks after moving forward, we started sleeping together again. This time he was staying at my place every weekend, and we spent the holidays together.

 

We constantly cuddled, kissed, held hands, and could not get enough of each other sexually.

 

On Christmas eve, we were having a very emotional moment where we were both crying. He said he loves me.

 

One week later on new years eve, he told me he couldn't spend new years with me anymore and had to go to his sister's party.. He kissed me, said goodbye, and I haven't heard form him since.

 

I'm devastated here... someone please tell me why someone would ghost after we got so far.

 

And please don't be so damn harsh in responses. We are all emotional beings and the tough "love" is not necessary in every response.

 

Changing his New Years plans with you, kissing, saying goodbye and haven't responded since sounds as if he knew he had new plans for the New Year which does not include you. I can't explain why he would ghost you after you got so far. According to your post the last time he ghosted you he was gone for a while. Perhaps he is planning to come back in a couple of months. Have you asked your mutual friends??

[figureitout23]

Tough love isn't always the answer but lying to you won't help either.

 

For whatever reason he didn't want a relationship while sleeping with you no strings attached and for whatever reason while you held off on any relationships for 6-7 years you agreed to this arraignment

 

Pretty much everything written on sexual arraignments say don't get emotionally attached. You two went to emotional extremes, all while he kept you at a distance. That's a red flag wouldnt you say?

 

We can analyze why someone would walk away but it may be more beneficial to look into why you accepted this treatment.

 

What makes you say he ghosted you? Who contacted who last?

[Starlight925]

Unfortunately, I have a hunch there’s someone else, and you were there for him in the moments he was deciding to take things that a more permanent level with her. This is all my suspicion; I have no basis in fact.

 

Have you tried to get in touch with him?

[shessofly]

I did text him at midnight on new years, then two days later to ask "are you okay? I haven't heard form you." A few days after that I sent him one last text saying that I was disappointed in him for ghosting on me again.

 

He did break up with someone in 2014. She broke his heart in a lot of ways, but he admits that he was selfish in their relationship and didn't always do right by her. During all of our emotional talks, he doesn't seem to have any residual feelings from the relationship.

 

He does have a small brain injury from a car accident many years ago, and is a VERY shy guy until you get to know him, though..

 

Odd...when he returned did the relationship stay defined as casual? Maybe, he is taking casual to a whole new level. Although he may not have any residual feelings for his ex, he may still be acting out of unresolved issues - self esteem being one of them ("I'm not good enough for her"). I think, you cannot fix this man and would be in for more flaky behavior if he is allowed back into your life. Also, maybe this is the kind of behavior that led to his last breakup.

[milly007]

I get the impression that this guy has a lot of issues he needs to work out in order to commit to a healthy, longterm relationship.

 

It sounds like he gets scared once things get serious and then runs away and hides.

 

Nothing really to go by here, just my impression based in the info you provided.

[katrina1980]

OP, it sounds like he has serious commitment issues.

 

My brother suffers from same, in fact the more he "loves" a woman, the higher his anxiety, he begins to panic and suddenly and without warning, bolts.

 

For any number of reasons, he just cannot handle his strong emotions and attachment..

 

For someone who does not have these issues, it makes no sense and sounds crazy. Like he's lying, and must be some sort of player or sociopath.

 

His behavior is often shocking, selfish and cruel.

 

There are books, if you want understanding, Google and read them.

 

From what you've posted, this is what it sounds like to me.

 

I would suggest you walk away and never look back.

 

Men like this, and I include my dear brother in this category, are crazy making.

 

Constantly disappearing, reappearing, disappearing, it's up to you to "not" allow this in your life.

 

Your call, good luck.

[ahd15]

What Katrina said resonates a lot. I’m in a similar situation although I don’t even want to call it a situation. Sometimes I wish I could be that guy, and for all I know might I have been. It stings when you’re on the receiving end. Be it personal issues or an ex or even a test, be true to yourself. Sex is great but if it meant something more to you than just that, you did the right thing who cares what people tell you. After reading all these posts and learning about people’s psychology, there’s no formula for this stuff. People can put you down or tell you what you want to hear and it doesn’t matter. What matters is your integrity. If you meant it, you’re in a good place. Where he’s at is unknown and out of your control. You should never want control of that anyway.

There’s a girl I sometimes want to reach out to but stop myself because of something silly. Could be a bad decision on my end bc she’s an amazing person but I still don’t.

[Hollyj]

This guy has some big time trust issues. He is not relationship material.

 

You should not have taken him back after the first ghosting. Plus, he did not feel he was good enough for you. He was right.

 

Do yourself a huge favor, always follow people's actions, and in this case, their words.

 

Please delete and block this jerk's number, unless you want him to trample on you heart, a third time.

[Starrdeal1]

What is his history? Bad breakup? Sounds like he is afraid of getting attached. If he comes back I'd think long and hard about giving him another chance. Sorry. Have you tried reaching out to him?

 

I actually agree with this persons response. My gut told me something similar. I also think he's probably been hurt and isn't ready to jump all the way in. I'm so sorry you are hurting. Its so painful when you can't make heads or tales in matters of the heart. You are so not alone. I know that pain. I also can in some small way see how he's afraid to fall deep. He has probably been burned and crushed in the past. Don't take It as something you did. I think the timing is very off and had you just met when both of you were ready for each other at the same time you wouldn't be hurting. I don't know why life gives some people more lemons than others. Really I hate it for you.

 

Sadly even though I see both sides it doesn't matter. What matters is that you are ready and he can't keep flip flopping on you. That's not ok.

 

So you may have to make a very painful decision. Choose your pain.

[catfeeder]

Ghosting you the first time demonstrated how he handles internal conflict. Accepting him back after that pretty much set you up for an eggshell walk until his next conflict, which he had over leaving you flat on NYE. So the guy just keeps compounding his own problem: he feels like a worm, then he treats you badly by ghosting you, then he feels even worse for that. So the likelihood of him coming back to apologize again is slim because once was bad enough, but twice is unforgivable for most people.

 

I'd avoid internalizing this as being about you, because you couldn't have done anything wrong enough to be treated this way. It's his MO--and it's his problem. It's unfortunate that it's come out on you, but I'd make a pact with myself to not allow him a third time.

 

Head high, and trust the future to bring a better match for you.