Overcoming lack of attraction based on pudginess/snoring

[potd2009]

Hi ENA,

 

Haven't been active in years, but wanted to solicit some thoughts on a new(ish)/2 month dating situation.

 

I'm a woman who has been dating a guy about whom I see lots to appreciate, in terms of his abilities/talents, personality, character (what I've seen of it thus far), and shared lifestyle/relationship wants. I'd go so far as to say this has the potential to be the closest fit I've found to date. The rub - as it often is - is that I'm not very physically attracted to him. There are moments where I feel mild attraction, but much of the time, I feel more turned off than turn on, particularly by his pudginess and the fact that he's not very physically fit (whenever we've done physical activities together, he's unable to keep up even if I move much more slowly than normal, and his lack of fitness seems to affect his stamina in more intimate settings.) He has not volunteered any interest in losing weight or becoming more physically active (and has implied that he does not have time in his schedule for the latter.) He's also a very, very loud snorer, which is both a huge turnoff and leaves me completely unable to sleep when he spends the night. These factors mean that while I might enjoy spending the day with him, I don't look forward to overnight dates and don't feel drawn to him. In every way but the physical, this would be a fantastic new almost-relationship, but my lack of physical excitement about him means that I feel like I'm going through the motions more than anything.

 

Whether folks feel that I'm shallow or have understandable concerns, the obvious answer is that the physical lack of attraction is a likely dealbreaker, and I get that. But because everything else about this dating situation is unusually good and we otherwise seem uncannily well-matched, before I pull the plug, I'm just curious whether others - whether men or women - have encountered these thoughts and feelings at the outset of a dating situation, have continued to pursue it, and have found themselves feeling differently at some point down the line. Will also be exploring this topic with friends IRL, of course. Thanks in advance.

[firelily]

I think it must be difficult, but it would be best to break up and try to be genuine friends rather than put pressure on creating inauthentic sexual relationship. If roles were reversed - if someone loved your personality but cringed at the thought of you staying in for the night, would you want to invest your time in a relationship with him? It's a relatively new situation, so it's ok really to break up. You will have a chance of finding someone both compatible and attractive in your eyes, save yourself from all the frustration and cringing that might overshadow the good stuff with time, and it will be good for him too to find someone more compatible too.

[DanZee]

Yeah, there are at least three deal breakers in your post. He's unattractive to you. He's fat and can't even keep up with you (it's usually the other way around in a relationship) which also affects the sex, and he snores, keeping you up at night. So to summarize: no attraction, no sex, no sleeping. No way!

 

Don't settle just because he's breathing. Move on. Move on. Move on.

[figureitout23]

Wow, that's a tough one. I can honestly say, I have never 'gone there' with someone I'm not physically attracted to. I've actually turned down men who were perfect gentlemen and seemed genuinely nice, but there was zero attraction. It's just something I can't look past.

 

I wanted to say it's admirable you continued with him despite the turn offs but deep down I don't think it is, you're depriving yourself and him of a full complete relationship, you deserve someone who gives you butterflies and he deserves someone who he gives butterfly to. You 'settling' is going to lead to resentment.

 

Typically resentment happens after years and years when one partner lets themselves go, you're starting off this way, I don't know that there is a solution here. Pushing him to change who he is to please you is not the answer.

[Krankor]

Is it possible that your attraction to him will grow? Yes, it is. But it seems unlikely. You've been in this two months already and it doesn't sound as if it's grown at all. Saying you feel "more turned off than on" and that "you don't feel drawn to him" are pretty damning indictments of this relationship. I know I wouldn't want to be with a woman who was secretly harboring those thoughts.

 

I'm going to talk about evolutionary psychology a bit here. We used to be a "tournament" species, meaning that only a few alpha males had the opportunity to mate while pretty much all the females mated. About two million years ago we transitioned into a "pair bond" species during which most males now had the opportunity to mate as well. When we were a tournament species the only thing females were concerned with was gene quality, but when we switched over the females of this species also had to concern themselves with whether the male would be a good provider, a good father, etc. So women often have to thread a kind of tricky needle between gene quality and mate value that sometimes leads to some cognitive dissonance. That is what you are experiencing with this man, IMO; cognitive dissonance. You see that he's a good partner, but you aren't at all excited about the gene quality he brings to the table.

 

I don't think this makes you shallow; you can't help who you are or aren't attracted to. But I do think it's kind of unfair to him to continue this relationship given your feelings.

[limichelle]

I just broke up with someone who didnt find me attractive.

 

Let me put it from his perspective. Hes going to want to be with someone who thinks hes a turn on, desired and wanted.

 

Its not fair to him to just stay.

 

Attraction can grow yes but not always.

 

You either have that initial want or you dont.

 

I think for both of you. You need to go seperate ways.

 

Theres nothing wrong with how you percieve him. Just dont drag him downwards because of it.

[ballerinababe]

You're probably never going to be very physically attracted to him.

I was in your situation once. I ended up breaking off an engagement because when it came down to it, I just couldn't go through with marrying someone I wasn't very attracted to. I never regretted the decision.

 

I also dated a man who was overweight. During the course of our relationship he actually lost weight and got down to his ideal body weight. Strangely enough, I was much less attracted to him after he lost the weight.

[potd2009]

Thanks for these helpful responses, all of which point towards cutting off the situation. My question is this: if the dating/relationship is otherwise going to end anyway, would it be worth raising either or both of these topics with him honestly and seeing if he is willing to work on them? I wouldn't even consider that except for the fact that this is otherwise, uncannily, the person with the most romantic potential of anyone I've encountered in the past several years of dating (i.e., this is not a "settle because he's breathing" situation), so I don't want to throw away the situation lightly. And I know I'm otherwise drawn to him enough that if he were simply thinner and in-shape, I'd be very, very attracted to him.

 

It's very possible that if I raise this (which I obviously wouldn't do in the tone I've put it in this thread), he'll be hurt/upset/offended and cut off the situation - but he'll also be hurt/upset/etc if I tell him I'm just not feeling it and cut things off without a clearer explanation, anyway. So it seems like even if there's a 3-5 percent chance that discussing this might lead to a better outcome, it could be worth taking. I think the likely framing would be to raise things like exercise, fitness, healthy eating, and being in shape as important values of mine and things I need to share with a partner and asking him for his take. Thoughts? Feel free to tell me this is idiotic reasoning - just want to test it out before wandering into a tough conversation.

[figureitout23]

Thanks for these helpful responses, all of which point towards cutting off the situation. My question is this: if the dating/relationship is otherwise going to end anyway, would it be worth raising either or both of these topics with him honestly and seeing if he is willing to work on them? I wouldn't even consider that except for the fact that this is otherwise, uncannily, the person with the most romantic potential of anyone I've encountered in the past several years of dating (i.e., this is not a "settle because he's breathing" situation), so I don't want to throw away the situation lightly. And I know I'm otherwise drawn to him enough that if he were simply thinner and in-shape, I'd be very, very attracted to him.

 

It's very possible that if I raise this (which I obviously wouldn't do in the tone I've put it in this thread), he'll be hurt/upset/offended and cut off the situation - but he'll also be hurt/upset/etc if I tell him I'm just not feeling it and cut things off without a clearer explanation, anyway. So it seems like even if there's a 3-5 percent chance that discussing this might lead to a better outcome, it could be worth taking. I think the likely framing would be to raise things like exercise, fitness, healthy eating, and being in shape as important values of mine and things I need to share with a partner and asking him for his take. Thoughts? Feel free to tell me this is idiotic reasoning - just want to test it out before wandering into a tough conversation.

 

Re the bold: you sure about that? I wasn't going to bring it up, but you did post a few years ago about dating someone missing a limb and whether or not you can be attracted.

 

To put it bluntly, it looks like you're searching for a 'fixer upper'. No big deal, I mean it's not healthy, but many women do it, typically women who do this do so because they find the fixer upper attainable, while in her mind a man who has it all together would be too good for her, so she settles for the 'fixer upper' and proceeds to, well, fix him.

 

This never works out. It'll lead to resentment or you'll succeed at 'fixing' him and then he'll bolt because you never fully respected them for who they were so they go out with that newfound confidence and finds someone who loves them for them.

 

If this is your modus operandi I'd suggest some work on yourself and to leave this man alone.

 

There is literally no reason for you to settle or worse badger him into being who you want him to be all because he's the only one you believe you can get.

[mustlovedogs]

If I dated a guy and two months in he said I needed to lose weight, he would be GONE. That’s so rude and condescending. You chose this relationship. You chose this path. You never needed to accept it. You accept him as he is or not at all.

[potd2009]

Re the bold: you sure about that? I wasn't going to bring it up, but you did post a few years ago about dating someone missing a limb and whether or not you can be attracted.

 

To put it bluntly, it looks like you're searching for a 'fixer upper'. No big deal, I mean it's not healthy, but many women do it, typically women who do this do so because they find the fixer upper attainable, while in her mind a man who has it all together would be too good for her, so she settles for the 'fixer upper' and proceeds to, well, fix him.

 

This never works out. It'll lead to resentment or you'll succeed at 'fixing' him and then he'll bolt because you never fully respected them for who they were so they go out with that newfound confidence and finds someone who loves them for them.

 

If this is your modus operandi I'd suggest some work on yourself and to leave this man alone.

 

There is literally no reason for you to settle or worse badger him into being who you want him to be all because he the only one you believe you can get.

 

Wow, your response is really rude and uncalled for. As far as I know, we've never encountered each other online or otherwise. Yet, based on the fact that I had very different reservations, spaced years apart, about my attraction to two different guys who had different physical issues, you've concluded that I'm searching for a "fixer-upper," don't believe I can get anyone else, and need to work on myself. That's really quite an extraordinary set of rude, judgmental, and dismissive presumptions (that are not even supported by the examples you're giving - e.g., regarding the amputee, I decided after four dates that I couldn't accept it and called things off). And as to your last suggestion, if this is your modus operandi when judging and interacting with total strangers, you might consider doing the same.

[figureitout23]

Wow, your response is really rude and uncalled for. As far as I know, we've never encountered each other online or otherwise. Yet, based on the fact that I had very different reservations, spaced years apart, about my attraction to two different guys who had different physical issues, you've concluded that I'm searching for a "fixer-upper," don't believe I can get anyone else, and need to work on myself. That's really quite an extraordinary set of rude, judgmental, and dismissive presumptions (that are not even supported by the examples you're giving - e.g., regarding the amputee, I decided after four dates that I couldn't accept it and called things off). And as to your last suggestion, if this is your modus operandi when judging and interacting with total strangers, you might consider doing the same.

 

I'm not trying to be rude or condescending. The fact of the matter is you keep having this same issue. You don't find that a bit odd? If you don't, my bad, carry on. I said 'IF'.

 

Ignoring your past posts and focusing on this one only, youre being incredibly selfish and rude to hold onto this guy who sounds like a great catch for the right woman all because based on your own words on this very post, he's the closest you can get, so despite being told by pretty much everyone it would be cruel to tell him he needs to change himself for you to be attracted to him after a few months, you want to do it anyway. I don't know how to respond to that.

[adat95]

You can't change him. If you aren't physically attracted to him, then cut it off. It doesn't matter that you have topics to talk about and you can be soul mates or whatever but as long as you are not physically attracted to him, it will never work out and you will never be happy. It might be hard as you feel like it could work out if "things" were different but I think it is the best you can do.

 

He will surely ask you questions, like WHY? Especially if you made him feel like everything was O.k. during these 2 months... and if he asks you, I would be honest. Put it in a light way but it is always better to hear the truth (even if it is harsh) rather than coming out of it without knowing the reason. Tell him that you appreciate him as a person but you can't be with him because you don't feel physically attracted to him because of his physical condition or whatever, and that you know you can't change him so you are rather ending it before he gets too involved and gets hurt even more in the future... If he cares about you, he will understand it and although he might feel upset, he will go away knowing what is wrong and ... maybe one day he might come back to you as a whole new person, with some kilos down :)

[Krankor]

OP, you have to understand that losing weight is very difficult. Most people who are overweight actually already have something of a desire and motivation to lose weight, but there are both psychological and physical hurdles that are difficult to overcome. Even if you have this "talk" with him and he agrees to clean up his diet and hit the gym chances are statistically speaking he won't be successful. Very likely he'll always be a bit on the portly side, and if he ever does change this about himself it should be because he wants to, not to make a girl he's dating happy.

 

There are women out there who actually like "cuddlier" guys. That's not you, and that's perfectly OK. But it's best to let him find someone who finds him attractive the way he is.

[Batya33]

So here’s my take as someone who has always been slim and been physically active for 35 years as far as regular exercise. I also had a near eating disorder in my late teens and early 29s and so have been on the side of being told what and how to eat etc. You are the wrong person to tell him he needs to lose weight or exercise no matter how positively you put it. First of all he is a grown up and he knows his weight is an issue and he knows his snoring is one of the eff Ts most likely He is smart, right? So assume he is not interested in changing or at least not enough and you telling him won’t help matters and likely will come across as very offensive.

He sees you being physically active and eating properly and if he wanted to do the same he would ask you for tips.

 

A few anecdotes. My husband is fairly active - he likes brisk walking and runs around with our son but early on in our marriage he put on some weight. It really didn’t affect my attraction but I was concerned about the weight gain. I said one thing once about how good exercise made me feel and how he might want to get back into it etc and he didn’t like it one bit. About 5 years later when he doctor told home he was pre diabetic he started power walking again. Interestingly he will now ask me on random days whether I think he should do the walk despite bad weather or not feeling that well etc. he knows that I never skip a day unless I’m really sick and it’s been years. But I tell him that he need not keep up with me but to figure out his own standards. It works so much better when I’m not involved other than being a cheerleader and making sure he has the time to exercise as far as our childcare responsibilities.

Anecdote number 2. Years ago I found myself unusually attracted to a male friend who was very obese. We started dating. He started dieting seriously -and I didn't know that was his plan before we got together. He lost a lot of weight in the 4-5 months we were together. I actually didn’t think he looked as good without the weight. He ended up ending things with me because he wasn’t that into me but I suspect her once he lost the weight he felt he could do better than me. 6 months later this former player met his future and very beautiful wife. So just letting you know thatt if he does lose the weight his newly found confidence may not be the best for your future relationship.

And finally. My ex boyfriend before my husband was not that attractive looking and was kind of pudgy too. But I often felt very attracted to him. But when I didn’t I would notice all his flaws and I’d feel really guilty. He didn’t think he was attractive and had low self esteem. While I don’t think we ended things because of that I think it was a factor - I think that there were enough times when I felt distant from him because of our lack of a strong enough emotional connection and that was exacerbated by my noticing his physical flaws if that makes sense. It really was a waste of time for both of us.

I know I’ve rambled but I really do have quite a bit of experience with this. And a few times I’ve know that the guy I was dating didn’t find me that attractive. It’s an icky feeling.