Would you forgive your ex who new he had to break up with you to pursue his dream job?

[Pirlo21]

A couple of years back i lived in Germany. I had a girlfriend who i thought the world of i loved her with all my heart. I left her to pursue my “dream job”. I knew by moving home to Ireland it wouldn’t work. I left her for the sake of her own happiness.

 

3 years on i still love her. I want a future with her. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think she loves me anymore. Would you take me back? And for what reasons would you or wouldn’t you? What would have to be done?

 

Killian.

[SweetGirl28]

Only one way to find out----try contacting her.

When relationships end due to distance or pursuing a career, and on good terms, there's still hope left

in some cases. However, it's been three years. That's a long time, but not impossible.

Not sure how old you both are, but why couldn't you have stayed together and eventually made plans

to have her move with you?

[RedDress]

Possibly.

 

If it was a good relationship, we left on good terms and I was single, I might take an ex back under these circumstances.

 

However - please don’t say stuff like you left her for “her own happiness”. That kind of thing frustrates me personally and makes me mad. You don’t get to decide what will make her happy - SHE does. If we are honest - that’s not why you left her. You left her because you chose to prioritize your career over a relationship. Maybe you left because you didn’t want to do or put the effort into a long distance thing at the time. Maybe now, looking back, you realize what you lost. These things happen and maybe you see things differently now - but please at least own your decision.

 

If I were her, what I would want to know, personally, is how you now envision it working out? Would you (eventually) move back to Germany? Would you want her to move to Ireland (at some point)? It can’t be long distance forever...

 

Once you have thought about those things and have those answers - sure - it’s worth a shot to reach out and let her know that you miss her. There are no guarantees and you could be rejected - but it’s always worth a shot and most people like to know they are missed.

[MissCanuck]

I would want to know what has changed that you feel more prepared to take on a serious relationship. Has the distance closed? Are you willing to close it?

 

She might be open to trying again, if she feels you have moved into a new phase of your life. Are you still in contact?

[SherrySher]

Hmm, I think she would feel thrown away. I understand the whole distance thing and you weren't sure if it would work and so on, but you should also understand that even if you had to move, if you loved this woman that much you wouldn't be able to give her up.

But you did give her up and you basically tossed her. You downgraded her value and no doubt made her feel disposable.

 

You could always reach out, tell her you never forgot about her and can't forget about her. That might possibly be enough for her to consider another go with you.

But if she doesn't, you need to understand why. Not many women would take a man seriously if he ever abandoned her for any reason.

[SherrySher]

However - please don’t say stuff like you left her for “her own happiness”. That kind of thing frustrates me personally and makes me mad. You don’t get to decide what will make her happy - SHE does.

 

I agree. That's not the best statement to be making. I understand where you were coming from but it still sounds crappy. Don't say that to her if you do talk to her again.

[Pirlo21]

Hi MissCannuck

Thanks for the reply. Right now it’s difficult to close the distance. Im currently serving in the army ”the dream job”. I made contact over Christmas. I sent her a gift of a book of one of her favorite movies. She didn’t expect it but she was so happy to receive it. This is just a little part i wrote

 

“I just want you to know that even after this all this time i still do care about you.

I understand that it’s probably way too late for us. I understand that I probably won’t see you again. Just so you know I always continued to love you ...even after everything. It suuuuucks 😂 Having said that , it would be cool to hang out sometime in the future if you like. “

 

....And at the end of the whole letter...Love Kilian

 

After she accepted it and told me she loved the gift etc she asked why now? Why the gift? She didn’t understand.

I told her the truth that i had been thinking about her recently and i happened to come across the book and it being Christmas i thought she’d like.

 

Again she replied she really like it and thanked me

 

I haven’t replied because I don’t know what to say to her.

[j.man]

Big questions for me are:

 

1. (As already asked) Has the distance closed?

2. Are you in a stable job you see yourself keeping, mitigating the risk of a repeat?

3. How long were you together prior?

 

The last question matters a lot to me. I disagree somewhat with the idea that, if you really loved her, you ultimately wouldn't have taken the job. The only sure constant in your life is you, so I'm all about prioritizing your professional development and happiness above a relationship. But that kinda operates on a sliding scale where, while I do think it's excusable at any point, leaving someone for a dream career after 1 year vs. 3 or 4 years is going to understandably carry differing degrees of the ex thinking they'd been "discarded." My fiancee and I were together a year before she was headed across the country for her career. We both agreed that long-distance wasn't an option for either of us, so that was going to be that. I had absolutely no ill feelings toward her decision. But it just so I got an unsolicited job offer in NYC after the agency I worked with mentioned to a local one looking for one-off help that I was visiting. By a big stroke of luck, it worked out.

[Pirlo21]

Hmm, I think she would feel thrown away. I understand the whole distance thing and you weren't sure if it would work and so on, but you should also understand that even if you had to move, if you loved this woman that much you wouldn't be able to give her up.

But you did give her up and you basically tossed her. You downgraded her value and no doubt made her feel disposable.

 

You could always reach out, tell her you never forgot about her and can't forget about her. That might possibly be enough for her to consider another go with you.

But if she doesn't, you need to understand why. Not many women would take a man seriously if he ever abandoned her for any reason.

 

Thanks SherySher for the reply.

That’s interesting. I never saw it like that :( . She knows that i still lover her. I just don’t know what i can do right now to make it work. Even if i tried to arrange for us to meet up.

[Pirlo21]

Only one way to find out----try contacting her.

When relationships end due to distance or pursuing a career, and on good terms, there's still hope left

in some cases. However, it's been three years. That's a long time, but not impossible.

Not sure how old you both are, but why couldn't you have stayed together and eventually made plans

to have her move with you?

 

Hi SweetGirl28

Thanks for the reply. Im 26 and she is 22 count back three years and i guess we’re young...kinda.

I joined the army. My head was messed up at the time. The thought of leaving a country i had come to love, my friends over there and most importantly the girl who I adored with all my heart. I made some irrational decisions. Tried to get her back ended up looking pathetic i guess now that i look back. I contacted her over xmas by sending her a gift. She loved it and thanked me, and i said to her im glad she liked it. She asked why i sent it and i had told her i had been thinking about her and it was Christmas and she might like it.

 

Again she said it was really nice and thanked me, I haven’t replied to that last message. I don’t know what i should say or if i should just leave it with her and if she feels something towards me she’ll contact me.

[DancingFool]

She is confused with your contact, so no, she will not contact you. You broke up with her, so it's on you to do the heavy lifting and tell her honestly what you actually want from her. Also, for her to even take you seriously, you do need to be prepared to answer some serious and pragmatic questions like if you were to get back together, how would your job and distance work? How and if/ever would you be able to close that distance. If you want a chance at getting back together, you will have to man up and speak plainly and clearly and not play games and hints. You also need a clear plan and be ready to answer hard practical questions.

[maew]

Hmm. I do personally find it admirable when people choose to pursue their dreams no matter what. Even if it means sacrificing a relationship to do so. Mind you I am also in my mid 40's and was in a marriage where I was not supported to achieve my dreams and goals.

 

I think the fact that you have done this will make you a happier and more confident person in the long run... and it sounds like she is still thinking about you... I think there is nothing to be lost (except maybe your pride) by telling her how you feel.

[pippy longstocking]

I would just tell her how you feel , end of .

 

I split with my first love to join the Army funnily enough .

[SweetGirl28]

Hi SweetGirl28

Thanks for the reply. Im 26 and she is 22 count back three years and i guess we’re young...kinda.

I joined the army. My head was messed up at the time. The thought of leaving a country i had come to love, my friends over there and most importantly the girl who I adored with all my heart. I made some irrational decisions. Tried to get her back ended up looking pathetic i guess now that i look back. I contacted her over xmas by sending her a gift. She loved it and thanked me, and i said to her im glad she liked it. She asked why i sent it and i had told her i had been thinking about her and it was Christmas and she might like it.

 

Again she said it was really nice and thanked me, I haven’t replied to that last message. I don’t know what i should say or if i should just leave it with her and if she feels something towards me she’ll contact me.

 

Aww!, I think you should pursue this! Nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Worst case scenario, it's a no. But it's been three years, you've had life since, and will continue to have a life

no matter what! I'm rooting for you! You were both very young, still are:)

[Jillstrand23]

Hi SweetGirl28

Thanks for the reply. Im 26 and she is 22 count back three years and i guess we’re young...kinda.

I joined the army. My head was messed up at the time. The thought of leaving a country i had come to love, my friends over there and most importantly the girl who I adored with all my heart. I made some irrational decisions. Tried to get her back ended up looking pathetic i guess now that i look back. I contacted her over xmas by sending her a gift. She loved it and thanked me, and i said to her im glad she liked it. She asked why i sent it and i had told her i had been thinking about her and it was Christmas and she might like it.

 

Again she said it was really nice and thanked me, I haven’t replied to that last message. I don’t know what i should say or if i should just leave it with her and if she feels something towards me she’ll contact me.

 

Will you please share with the group the 🎁 you gave her??

[Starlight925]

Aww!, I think you should pursue this! Nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Worst case scenario, it's a no. But it's been three years, you've had life since, and will continue to have a life

no matter what! I'm rooting for you! You were both very young, still are:)

 

I agree, pursue this! The worst that can happen is that she says no, or that she's found someone new. But she was pleasant about the gift...a book about a movie she loved? Which, BTW, is about the most thoughtful gift I can imagine. So she could actually be open to talking!