He doesn’t know I’m done

[beaute94]

Give me tons of advice Ok, so me (23) and this guy (26) have been together since college. (4 years) We have had TONS of happy moments together. We also just birthed our first child in 2017. But like any relationship, there have been bad times. We somehow made it through.

 

Background: In the past, he has cheated more than once. I have yet to cheat. I just can’t find it in my heart to do so. Sometimes I could tell he was, and other times I couldn’t. It was my decision to stay with him and move forward, knowing in my mind, he could easily do it again. Some days I trust him, other days I don’t. That should be a red flag for me to leave, but something is holding me back. Also, I’m not the perfect gf. I try to be everything I can be for him but you know how that goes.

 

Our current situation: We have been on Christmas break so we have lots of free time. Usually he keeps me updated On His whereabouts. But lately, He had been “forgetting” to tell me that he had made it home (we don’t stay together) after being out with friends. One night he said he fell asleep and forgot to tell me. The second night, we spent time together as a family, he left, told me where he was but hadn’t said he had made it home. I called and called and got no answer bc his phone was on silent and he doesn’t know how. The third night, I face timed him to see why he hadn’t told me he made it in yet. We talked for a minute and got off the phone. He still wasn’t at home; he was “hanging out with friends”. He showed me on FaceTime so I believed it and thought nothing else of it.

 

So later that night I saw that he had posted “where u at, who u with, what u doing referring to me calling him and asking about him. I understand that guys need their space. But at the same time, I’m your gf and the mother of your child. I felt like he should have understood me. Another thing is, we have never posted our business on any social site. I felt disrespected bc of that. He couldn’t talk to me about it but he is posting it for everyone to see. So I called, no answer. I wrote him and expressed how I felt. No response. Called and called still no answer. So I gave up. What’s the use?

We were supposed to bring the New Year in as a family for the first time since we had our baby but he didn’t answer so I’m not speaking to him. I feel like he ignored me just so he could spend the New Year with someone else. He told us Happy New Year thru text and He called to talk to the baby once yesterday. But since then we have yet to talk. In my own world I’m done with him. He doesn’t know it bc he thinks we will get back together like we always do. But I’m tired of being treated like a second hand person when I know my worth. I want to be treated better than this and he knows.

 

So any advice? What should I do?

[lilyv]

When there's children involved, no one will tell you to cheat or break up with him. Some men tend to misbehave when they are a young father. They feel trapped or believe the woman they had they baby with will always be on standby for them. I speak of this +not from experience) I don't have children but grew up with a father that cheated on his wife. My mom never cheated or dated another man after their divorce. Their divorce was 30 years ago. The only advice I can offer, is follow your heart. Some people forgive, swallow or regret and some forge apart. You're young, you're in a vulnerable state, don't take advice from everyone. Your life and your child's life is at stake. Is there a hurry for anything...?

[beaute94]

No hurry. Just want to be treated like I know I should be.

[ThatwasThen]

But I’m tired of being treated like a second hand person when I know my worth.

Well, in reality, if you actually had a good love of yourself, you would have left him before you became pregnant by him and definitely when he cheated.

 

Get rid of him. Your opening post paints a picture of a man that doesn't value you in the least.

 

In his defense though, I will say that not too many men want to have to report where they are after they've told their SO that they are out with friends. He should have told you he'll call you in the morning after telling you he'd be out with friends and not started this habit with you of checking in.

 

Bottom line is that he's not a good lifemate who values you so get yourself out after you see a lawyer about child support payments that are court ordered.

 

He's not going to change.

 

BTW: Why don't you guys live together? Where do you live and where does he live?

[lilyv]

Understood, completely. And if you have to convince or demand it, it would feel awful.

[beaute94]

Exactly. I especially don’t want him to feel like I’m just staying bc of our child. He’s a great dad to her, but as far as me, it’s not consistent

[beaute94]

@ThatwasThen thank you.

[glitterfingers]

Acknowledge the role you're playing. You are micromanaging him and a lot of men will tend to shirk that, run in the opposite direction, rebel etc. Women want to have open communication and men want to feel respected and trusted. This is creating a tug of war in your relationship at present. So just understand that as a first point.

 

The second point is that you obviously have a reason not to trust him, and that makes it impossible for you to give him the freedom that is required. There's no getting around that or changing the past, what happened has happened. And it is difficult to move past for a lot of people and to have a healthy relationship afterwards. So I understand your need for constant surveillance.

BUT you have chosen to stay with him, which implies that you forgive him and are prepared to move on and rebuild the relationship. If you were unable forgive, forget and have a whole/healthy relationship, then you should have ended it before you had a child as was previously said. So that is a mistake you're going to have to live with.

 

You have two options here.

 

First option is you try and change your approach towards him and see if he responds. It may not work forever, but it may at least get you through some of the tough times you're currently facing. The best way to do this is to show understanding of how he is feeling. You have to think about things from his perspective and approach him prepared to acknowledge how your actions are making him feel. (e.g.) "I know that I am checking up on you way too often, and that must make you feel smothered and disrespected"

After that you can say "The reason I'm doing this is because I've obviously not recovered from the cheating that happened in the past, and I feel insecure when I don't hear from you"

I would not then demand that he change, I would simply try and come to a place of mutual understanding. This is how you feel, this is how I feel, and I'm sorry/I regret how that is impacting the relationship between us. "I would like to be able to give you more space, but I also want to feel that I can rely on you to consider my feelings while I'm at home caring for our child"

Have this conversation in a non-judgemental, non-accusatory way. See if he opens up to you, and if he does - let him talk. Don't bombard him with "But this is how I feel".. just let the shared frustration come out and then see if you're both able to change your patterns.

 

And then the second option is to simply end the relationship, and make arrangements for joint custody. This is harder the younger your child is, so I would always recommend going with the first option before this one. He might be wanting to leave anyway, but doesn't want to give up his child. You'll find out if you try and fix your issues. I think the first option is in everyone's best interests, if you can lay your anger aside long enough to validate his perspective and have a heart-to-heart conversation (if he agrees to talk openly)

[beaute94]

Thank you so much..

[ThatwasThen]

^^^ That is all good and dandy when you are married and there hasn't been any cheating. They don't even live together.

 

This man has cheated on her more then once and he doesn't value her in the least. Don't waste your time on someone who won't go to couples counselling with you to help him from chasing strange. You don't trust him, for good reason and that is why you need him to check in with you the way you have insisted.

 

OP: Why do you two live apart? Don't be the only one trying to fix this mess you're in with him. He will take advantage of what he will perceive as your weakness. He's not a good partner if you're looking for someone who will be monogamous and devoted... no matter how You change to accommodate him.

[Charliehorse]

Just my perspective on your problem.

It doesn't seem that there is any commitment to your relationship

on his part, your both young and don't live together.

Perhaps he has no interest in being tied down, however

he does have a responsibility to support his and your child.

He needs to provide for his child until they are 18, like it or not!.

[figureitout23]

For whatever reason some people who are cheated on tend to think if they can just know their partners actions at all times they can trust them again, which is like scooping water out of a sinking ship with a Dixie cup.

 

If someone's going to cheat they're gonna cheat and micromanaging them will not prevent it, they are making a conscious choice. Imagine a man standing in front of a naked woman and suddenly a text that says 'you were supposed to check in' flashes on his screen so the guy exclaims 'oh shoot I forgot, I wasn't supposed to cheat, I'm sorry, I have to go.' Seems silly right?

 

 

Its perceived control of the situation when the reality is all you're doing is driving him away, unfortunately if you choose to forgive you choose to let go, start anew, I think that's why so many relationships have trouble post cheating, they can't look past it and I don't blame them.

 

Unfortunately you have a child to raise together so for her sake I hope something gets figured out.

 

P.S.

 

How can he know you're done? I didn't even get the impression you were done. Your actions don't match your words, heck your words don't match your words. Empty threats will do you more harm than good, don't play relationship chicken, unless you actually plan to leave don't say it.

[glitterfingers]

For whatever reason some people who are cheated on tend to think if they can just know their partners actions at all times they can trust them again, which is like scooping water out of a sinking ship with a Dixie cup.

 

If someone's going to cheat they're gonna cheat and micromanaging them will not prevent it, they are making a conscious choice. Imagine a man standing in front of a naked woman and suddenly a text that says 'you were supposed to check in' flashes on his screen so the guy exclaims 'oh shoot I forgot, I wasn't supposed to cheat, I'm sorry, I have to go.' Seems silly right?

 

Its perceived control of the situation when the reality is all you're doing is driving him away, unfortunately if you choose to forgive you choose to let go, start anew, I think that's why so many relationships have trouble post cheating, they can't look past it and I don't blame them.

 

Unfortunately you have a child to raise together so for her sake I hope something gets figured out.

 

P.S.

 

How can he know you're done? I didn't even get the impression you were done. Your actions don't match your words, heck your words don't match your words. Empty threats will do you more harm than good, don't play relationship chicken, unless you actually plan to leave don't say it.

 

Both really important points.

 

Micromanaging him gives him a reason to lie to you and create more distance, which will only push him further away and make cheating more likely.

 

And it doesn't sound like you're completely done, but I understand your frustration has gotten to a level that is unmanageable. You do have a child to worry about. It must be really hard for you, being so young and the future so uncertain. Nobody would fault you for walking away if it is the path of least resistance, and gives you the peace of mind that you need NOW in order to be a good mother

[beaute94]

Thank you all, I have taken all your advice. We are done and he knows now. No need to prolong it. I feel a sense of relief.

[1a1a]

You’re an absolute rock star for making that choice!!! You deserve someone who contacts you after a night out, not because they feel obliged to check in, but because you are their favourite person and they want to include you in their life!!!!

[beaute94]

Yesss. Thank you

[yatsue]

I agree under normal circumstances, it is not good to micromanage a partner. However, there is a baby involved. Why is he going out for prolonged periods of time goofing off, rather than actually being a good father and being there for his kid? He is not really a good father. He had a kid and is pushing all of the responsibility onto you. Might as well be a single mother.

 

He needs to realize he has to stop these shenanigans and care for the poor child, whether you're together or not. Stop checking in on him, rather, make him look after his own child. God damn. Or show him what the courts do best: give mothers sole custody and make the father pay child support.

[Wiseman2]

Since you don't live together and don't act like a couple or a family, just consider him a good dad and set yourself free.

He’s a great dad to her, but as far as me, it’s not consistent

[ThatwasThen]

Yesss. Thank you

 

Don't forget that most people do not want to be micro managed the way you were trying to micro manage. Good on you for getting out. What did he have to say for himself when you broke up with him?

[beaute94]

Not much yet, he will eventually try to come back around and I’m not falling for it.

[Imho]

Give me tons of advice Ok, so me (23) and this guy (26) have been together since college. (4 years) We have had TONS of happy moments together. We also just birthed our first child in 2017. But like any relationship, there have been bad times. We somehow made it through.

 

Background: In the past, he has cheated more than once. I have yet to cheat. I just can’t find it in my heart to do so. Sometimes I could tell he was, and other times I couldn’t. It was my decision to stay with him and move forward, knowing in my mind, he could easily do it again. Some days I trust him, other days I don’t. That should be a red flag for me to leave, but something is holding me back. Also, I’m not the perfect gf. I try to be everything I can be for him but you know how that goes.

 

Our current situation: We have been on Christmas break so we have lots of free time. Usually he keeps me updated On His whereabouts. But lately, He had been “forgetting” to tell me that he had made it home (we don’t stay together) after being out with friends. One night he said he fell asleep and forgot to tell me. The second night, we spent time together as a family, he left, told me where he was but hadn’t said he had made it home. I called and called and got no answer bc his phone was on silent and he doesn’t know how. The third night, I face timed him to see why he hadn’t told me he made it in yet. We talked for a minute and got off the phone. He still wasn’t at home; he was “hanging out with friends”. He showed me on FaceTime so I believed it and thought nothing else of it.

 

So later that night I saw that he had posted “where u at, who u with, what u doing referring to me calling him and asking about him. I understand that guys need their space. But at the same time, I’m your gf and the mother of your child. I felt like he should have understood me. Another thing is, we have never posted our business on any social site. I felt disrespected bc of that. He couldn’t talk to me about it but he is posting it for everyone to see. So I called, no answer. I wrote him and expressed how I felt. No response. Called and called still no answer. So I gave up. What’s the use?

We were supposed to bring the New Year in as a family for the first time since we had our baby but he didn’t answer so I’m not speaking to him. I feel like he ignored me just so he could spend the New Year with someone else. He told us Happy New Year thru text and He called to talk to the baby once yesterday. But since then we have yet to talk. In my own world I’m done with him. He doesn’t know it bc he thinks we will get back together like we always do. But I’m tired of being treated like a second hand person when I know my worth. I want to be treated better than this and he knows.

 

So any advice? What should I do?

 

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat or mistreat you. You deserve better.

[reinventmyself]

Not much yet, he will eventually try to come back around and I’m not falling for it.

 

Of course he will, because there have been no consequences for any of his behavior before.

He's likely doing what he pleases thinking he'll just let cool down a bit and then go another round.

 

He doesn't respect you because you have been respectful to yourself.

If some guy allowed me treat to him poorly, I wouldn't respect him either.

 

Good for you. It's never too late.

Take care of yourself and that baby.

[beaute94]

Thank you all