Finding it hard to get over what I saw on boyfriends phone

[EmmaS93]

I am with my boyfriend, Darren, for over 3 years now and although we have been through some together, I still love him. We are both 25 btw. I could be typing here for ages about everything that has happened but I think it's best to focus on more recent events.

 

Although there a couple of things to note before I tell what I found on boyfriends phone.

 

1. I went to a concert 6 months ago and drank a lot of vodka. I basically blacked out and barely remember anything. One of my girlfriends told me that one of her boy mates was looking after me and we kissed. I told my boyfriend what happened. He was devastated of course and I was so regretful. I never meant for it to happen. So I decided I wouldn't drink spirits anymore and never let myself get into a drunken state again.

 

2. He has a friend called Becky, she is his only girl mate since he was 13. He talks to her about all sorts of things, like problems or fears that he has, Including problems with me. I wasn't sure if I liked her from the beginning because he told me that she said that he should be angry at me for going on a J1 holiday while I was in college. This was at the beginning of the relationship.

 

3. Recently he has gone back to college and he has just finished first semester. Early December he tells me some girl from college called Eva, has privately texted him on Facebook messenger. The college group has a Facebook chat so it was obvious she was trying to get to know him by messaging him privately. He showed me her profile picture and she's gorgeous so I said you're not to be texting her. He seemed pretty chuffed with himself that someone would fancy him. Shortly after he told me that his friend Becky said she looks like bad news and that he shouldn't text her back. I made jokes with him after a couple of days asking if he was going out to his new girlfriend.

 

Now fast forward to what I saw on his phone. After Christmas, I was sitting with his family drinking wine. My phone was dead and I needed to ring my Mam to ask her something. I asked if I could use his phone to ring her, he said yes so I went upstairs to make the call. He doesn't have credit so I went on WhatsApp. I hadn't thought about it before but I got the urge to read messages between him and Becky. I went into the messages and scrolled for my name.

 

This is the general stream of messages

6th Dec

Darren: I showed her (me) the girls profile and she said yeah you're not talking to her. Nice though to have her so keen.

Becky: Haha yeah she's definitely into you.

Darren: Haven't even talked to her in person yet.

Becky: Talk to the girl

Darren: Nah would be teasing myself

Becky: If I was you I would. Harmless.

Darren: Ah would be tension knowing attraction is there.

Becky: Yeah flattering. Just stalked her facebook.

Darren: Her instagram has much better pics

 

7th Dec

Becky: Holy *Sends screen-shot of Eva from college in Bikini*

Darren: I know. Like I don't want to be a but shes way hotter than Gillian (me). I didn't write back though, never been in this position before.

Becky: Reverse physchology going to make her want you more. The chase.

Darren: Nah If I talked to her before Christmas it would encourage her. Honestly, don't know what to do. I don't wanna cheat but obviously, she is gorgeous. Probably personality.

Becky: She is probably smart because she is doing the same course as you.

Darren: Suppose. *20mins later* I don't think I could cheat. But might never have a sexy little thing like that after me ever again. *20mins later* Stop saying shes smart, it makes her seem even better.

Becky:She probably is smart

Darren: shh

 

10th Dec:

Becky: Any news on the girl?

Darren: Nothing since she messaged me

Becky: Oh really, she probably got the vibe

Darren: I'll chat to her when I go back to college. Probably shouldn't

Becky:No harm

Darren: Yeah I suppose, although I would be putting myself in a position where I could cheat, if there was drink involved after college.

Becky: Yeah.

 

So needless to say my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like my world was crumbling. I waited until he was asleep that night to re-read the messages. I told my friends and they were furious and told me I should wake him up and tell him off. So I did and all he could say is sorry and that he wouldn't have cheated and that I'm the full package and the one he wants to spend his life with. My friends suspect that he would have tried to cheat. I don't think he would have, but I feel disrespected and feel like he doesn't desire me. I usually am a very confident person, I have been told many times that I'm beautiful, have a nice body and that I'm smart. This girl is very skinny and tanned so obviously who could compare to that? I think its so shallow. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I have already said I have forgiven him and when we're together everything is great, we have made resolutions to be more intimate and romantic as that spark had been a bit dim for a while. So when I'm with him I am feeling good. But when I'm on my own all I can think of is those messages, they are burning into me. It makes me feel sick that he would feel like that for someone else. I also feel like an idiot because he did tell me about the girl Eva and as we were making jokes he was saying this right under my nose. He also said it would be rich if I was to leave him over this since I am the one who actually cheated. I talked the my friends about it and they have convinved me what he has done is just as bad if not worse. I was completely out of my mind and barley knew the guy, I wasn't day dreaming about the guy. Emotional cheating they called it.

 

Please give your opinions and advice.

[DanZee]

Well, is he still smoking 3 joints a day as well? I don't think he knows what he's doing. And now going back to college, he's going to have all sorts of temptations thrown in his way. And what is this about you guys making a resolution to be more intimate and romantic? You have to make a resolution to do this? It sounds like your relationship is burning out and I don't know if it's going to last all four years of his college. You're a smart girl with a Masters degree, I think you have to make an exit plan to get away from this guy. He's a loser and you deserve better. Find someone who does desire you.

[Sportster2005]

His true self has been revealed. Can't put that genie back in the bottle.

 

Seems to me he's not sorry. He's sorry he was caught.

 

I think you know what you need to do.

[Bunney]

I could not look at my bf the same way knowing he talked this way about another girl behind my back. Being all tempted and fantasizing and on the fence... No way. Does not seem like he is ready for a truly committed, monogamous, serious relationship at all. And him already knowing about the bikini pics.. Ewwh. Someone has been doing their "research" and just think of how many times he probably already "enjoyed himself" to these pics already...

 

As he already implied, he would most definitely go for it if given the opportunity plus drinks involved.

 

I am sorry you're in this position... it sucks I know. Please seriously re-consider this relationship.

[lostandhurt]

He does not respect you, has suspect morals, has suspect friends that encourage this type of behavior and doesn't think you are the whole package because he said you weren't.

 

Dump him and don't waste anymore time on this POS. I am sure if you told us the whole history or your relationship all our answers would be the same but with more exclamation points!

 

Lost

 

PS Reading your other thread on this guy makes me wonder what you see in him at all.

[MrRedTech33]

Dump his ass NOW. He doesn't deserve you, or your love. His friend Becky sounds like a scandalous and I am so sorry you have to go through this, but I swear he is not truly in love with you if he would even talk to another woman behind your back. Please don't stay with him, it will not end well I fear. We are here for you, and there are so many better people out there who would not treat you this way. I am a little mad at him actually lol that AHole

[catfeeder]

What is the outcome you want?

 

Is there something he could say or do to make this better? If so, what?

 

If he said or did what you want, how much better would that make it?

 

You get to decide whether anything would resolve this for you, and whether you'll torture yourself by staying with someone who you can probably never trust again no matter what he says or does.

[ThatwasThen]

Becky sounds like a real peach. (I have a better term for her but its frowned upon around here to use it) Any 'friend' who encourages another friend to get more involved with a hot chick that he is obviously attracted to instead of counselling him to stay away from her when he is already in a relationship is no friend.

[Imho]

Becky sounds like a real peach. (I have a better term for her but its frowned upon around here to use it) Any 'friend' who encourages another friend to get more involved with a hot chick that he is obviously attracted to instead of counselling him to stay away from her when he is already in a relationship is no friend.

 

Perhaps Becky doesn't like the current girlfriend.

[lilygirl]

Your bf is incredibly disrespectful. I am sorry that you had to read all that garbage. And Becky? I think Becky has an ulterior motive and likes to cause trouble.

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to cut out drinking altogether including wine, beer etc. Also choose your friends more carefully and don't get caught up in catty friend groups. Reconsider things with your bf, he sounds like a jerk. You can do much better than him and this group of immature backstabbing "friends".