Can it be fixed or should I be gone already?

[TeddyB]

I'm 33 years old and have been together with my fiancée (age 30) for 5 years, engaged for 2 and 1/2 years. We had our wedding arranged for last September and everything seemed ok, well from my point of view anyway.

 

At the start of 2017 she suddenly claimed that she wasn't 100% happy and that I had been neglecting her and was putting other things (hobbies/friends) ahead of her. This knocked me for six and I wasn't aware of any major changes that I had done throughout our entire relationship, but I tried my best to be understanding about it all and tried to focus more on the relationship devoting more time and effort to spending time together.

 

Despite my efforts to amend what I thought was the issue she was still unhappy and she felt extremely distant and talks about delaying/cancelling our wedding were getting more frequent as she said she couldn't deal with the stress of it all. After some strong feelings that something wasn't right I eventually found out that she was communicating with a co-worker and things were getting very suggestive between the two of them. Images of people kissing and having sex were exchanged and they were writing about certain fantasies they had with each other. I confronted her about it all and she claimed that it was just messages and that nothing physical actually happened. The evidence certainly seemed to support this but obviously your mind still strays from what you're being told and you fear something else, I mean, who wouldn't?

 

The co-worker was married and had kids and he was kicked out of his home but, maybe foolishly, I thought we could fix what we had in our relationship and get back to a better place. We talked a lot and she seemed genuinely sorry for what had happened and we both agreed that we wanted to try and work things out. We did end up cancelling the wedding though, more her choice than mine to be honest.

 

A month later I found out that she was still speaking to the co-worker. She said that they were just looking out for each other, he'd lost his wife and kids and she felt responsible and wanted to check that he was coping. I said that I had issues with them talking and said there needed to be some boundaries. I claimed that if we were to work then she has to stop talking to him (unless it's work related of course) and she agreed.

 

June/July last year we were great. It was like a new relationship, lots of days out, lots of talking and regular sex. We re-arranged our wedding in August and following an opportunity we felt too good to miss we bought a new house together in September (she was previously living with me in a property I owned).

 

However, since the house move things have taken a downward turn and she has become unhappy again claiming that she has anxiety issues and feelings of depression. It was a stressful house move we had just had so it does make sense that this could be the issue.

 

Then, just two/three weeks ago I was doing some work on the computer and she had left her work email open, which is also connected to Skype. Whilst working I get a little notification in the top right of the screen, a notification from the co-worker of course. I'd like to say I battled hard not to go snooping but truth be told I didn't, I needed to know what was being said with this guy, after all, she has been telling me that they don't talk anymore and that he means nothing to her.

 

So up pops a conversation string that clearly shows they chat on a daily basis. All friendly and seemingly innocent but it's all behind my back and going against rebuilding the trust that was lost previously. When confronted she claims that they are just friends and that she didn't tell me because I wouldn't like it and that she "thought I'd never find out". That last bit is a quote and hurts. People that are devoting their lives to each other should be able to share anything and everything with each other, or at least in my book anyway. I'm really shocked as she really does come across as a decent person with morals but this last year and her connection to this guy at work has just shown her in a completely different light and thrown us into a situation I never thought I'd be faced with whilst I was with her.

 

So now I've got one foot out of the door. She lied to me again, even if it was just an innocent friendship this time I don't find it acceptable and once again it's me finding out rather than her admitting to a mistake or being honest with me.

 

She says that she loves me and still wants to marry me and do up the house we bought together. I argued for her to cut communication with the co-worker and she rather begrudgingly agreed. I even emailed him and told him to back off too (possibly a bad move on my part, not sure, but I was angry and in a bad place at the time) and it seems I have my wish and they no longer talk. Well, for now at least.

 

Sorry for the long post, and I appreciate anyone taking the time to read through my situation. I started to write this with the mindset of "can anyone tell me if this is fixable and if we can work on it and live happily together?" but having gone through it all again on here my head is just screaming "What are you even asking for? Just get out now".

 

Just on the off chance, does anyone think this relationship/marriage can work, or should I be gone already?

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA

 

I am sorry you are in this situation I know it hurts to be betrayed like this by someone you love so much.

 

To answer your question with all my experience and time on this forum I would say NO the relationship is not salvable and shouldn't be attempted. So every time she gets stressed or unhappy she turns away from you and to another man. What happens when you have kids and things are tough? What happens if you loose your job? Life and relationships can be hard sometimes and you need to be with someone that is by your side in the tough times not running off to some married D-Bag.

 

She admitted she has no problem lying to you about talking to other men because she thinks she won't get caught. This is classic cheater. "No one is getting hurt so there is nothing wrong with fooling around" "He is just a friend" "He is just a coworker" "Nothing physical happened" and on and on.

 

Can you really trust her? Do you honestly believe this guy is an aberration?

 

Reading your post this guy has been in the background for some time and she has an romantic connection to him. Sure it may be built in a fantasy but it is still a romantic connection. She has cheated on you for a long time emotionally at best and has slept with him at worst. I wonder why his wife threw him out? Either way it isn't his fault so put the blame were it should be, on your gf/fiancé. He is just some D-Bag loser with no moral compass but she choose all her actions and continually lied to you and told you what you wanted to hear so they could continue their affair.

 

I am sorry but this looks really bad. I hope you can sell the house and not take to much of a hit.

 

Lost

[jimthzz]

I agree, your intended is not what you seek despite your best efforts to keep her in line.

 

Notice that your efforts do not equal her efforts. She has no intention of giving up this side guy at all.

 

Time to cut your losses and move on.

 

Sell the house. Do not marry her in a misguided attempt to cement her 'commitment."

 

She is fine letting you pay the freight. But as wife material? Nope.

[Clio]

I got mad just reading about the way that she treated you. Why are you still there? Imo, you should be gone already. Forget about the other guy. He is just a catalyst NOT the real cause of your problems. The real problem is that you have on your hands a person who lacks integrity and who does not respect you, does not value you, does not appreciate you and feels that it is OK going behind your back when you two don't agree on something. Imo, it would be extremely risky to tie your life to such a person. You gave her a second chance (that she did not even deserve) and she lied again. You have done all you could to save the relationship. You have your answer...

[DaisyMayPorter]

Do not marry her or give her any more chances. She doesn’t deserve them. I do agree that you should not have contacted the co-worker - it’s not his fault, it’s hers. If it’s not him, it will be someone else. Sell the house and buy a house on your own. Even when you said “this was a stressful house move”- that had red flags for me. Moving to a new house should be a joyful occasion.

[TeddyB]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

I can't disagree with anything that you say/suggest. Annoyingly after everything I still feel like i'm in love with her and want to find some way of rebuilding it but I just can't. Guess it makes it harder that I've never been through anything like this before either and this is probably the first time of having my heart broken by somebody like this.

 

Hopefully it's all for the best though :)

[Andrina]

I agree with the other posters. People usually retain the same ethics throughout a lifetime unless they have an epiphany. She knew your relationship was threatened by the emotional affair. Instead of it being a wake up call and realizing she could lose you if she didn't make some major changes, she continued with her affair behind your back.

 

Your partner needs to be your support system and your safe haven from the rough world of work, paying bills, illnesses, etc. Instead, you have a partner who is capable of crossing relationship boundaries, and even if she says she changed, only time will tell and how will she reassure you that she has improved ethically?

 

If it were me, I wouldn't put myself through the possibility of being cheated on again, and the past would be too ugly for me to ponder everyday. I'd rather risk my future on someone new, and with life experience behind you, you might be able to more wisely choose a better partner. You might see the red flags, or the fact that there are none, before choosing to move on with a new prospect. Pay what she's put into the house by getting a promissory note and giving her monthly payments to buy her out, unless you have a better plan. Good luck.

[TeddyB]

I got mad just reading about the way that she treated you. Why are you still there? Imo, you should be gone already. Forget about the other guy. He is just a catalyst NOT the real cause of your problems. The real problem is that you have on your hands a person who lacks integrity and who does not respect you, does not value you, does not appreciate you and feels that it is OK going behind your back when you two don't agree on something. Imo, it would be extremely risky to tie your life to such a person. You gave her a second chance (that she did not even deserve) and she lied again. You have done all you could to save the relationship. You have your answer...

 

Yeah, you're right. I get angry with myself too and my biggest regret (admittedly now with hindsight) is giving her that second chance.

 

I think with the wedding and the new house I feel a bit trapped and they probably play a big part in why I am still clinging on to some hope but I know that those commitments are nothing to build a relationship on and that I should just remove them from the equation and do what has to be done.

[lostandhurt]

There is nothing wrong with being in love with her, in fact that is what you are supposed to feel if you want to marry someone. The problem isn't that you love her and want this to work (those are good qualities) the problem is her not you or your love and devotion. She lacks those things and may not be capable of giving them to anyone.

 

This is another case where the heart and mind battle for control. Your mind knows to run but your heart just wants to love and be loved and so it holds on. Let your mind win this one, your heart will heal and one day you will meet someone that gives back as much as you give.

 

Lost

[jimthzz]

it is frustrating to find out that the woman you think you're in love with is not really the woman that she is. I'm sorry.

[Betterwithout]

RUN and don't look back. You are setting yourself up for more pain in the future if you stay. Trust your gut, easier to trust than her.

[seanryder]

When someone tells you who they are....believe them!!!

 

She basically told you that she thought it was OK to 'talk' to this guy as long as you didn't find out.......the only thing wrong with the scenario in her book was that you might find out.

 

RUN and don't look back. You have literally dodged a bullet.

 

Heartache is just part of life my friend....it just helps you pick out the true gems in the end. Good luck.

[emzara]

I hate to say it, but I wouldn't marry her. These are the kinds of red flags that could potentially lead to an affair and later cause you to think, "Why didn't I see the signs".

[superme]

DO NOT marry her.

Just let her go. she is obviously taking you for granted and emotionally cheating you.

IF she has things to hide from you, that itself is already cheating

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet on so many levels from her poor integrity to a nightmare life of cheating, lying, an expensive wedding and even more expensive divorce. You are very luck to be free to pursue a worthy woman.

[blueflare90]

i felt like reading my situation, i'm going through the exact same situation at this moment, i found out she was sexting another guy from her work, and i'm currently on the second chance i gave her, still hard to trust everytime she gets a text or anything.

let me know if you want to talk about it

[boltnrun]

My cousin was in the same situation. He went ahead and married her, thinking that since she still wanted to marry him that meant she intended to be fully committed. They had a huge splashy wedding with a zillion family and friends present.

 

Well, unfortunately, she didn't give up the side guy, she just continued on with him. My cousin then had to go through an embarrassing divorce when he found out she had continued with her affair.

 

Fortunately for him, he met a nice woman a few years later and is happily married to her.