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Said he isn't in the mindset to date anyone, Now is giving me more attention than ever...

xcookie7x

By xcookie7x
in Dating Advice

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xcookie7x Enthusiast

xcookie7x

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Was dating a guy for 4 months, it was his idea to date. Said he had only been seeing me the whole time because I was the best catch he's found in a long while. Went out of his way for me and seemed to be honest about staying loyal.. Then for a few weeks became distant I could sense he wasn't "all there" with me.. rarely ever got texts anymore or snaps on snapchat. Anyways we talked and he said he wasn't mentally okay with dating someone he was depressed about money and his job. I said okay, I didn't fight him or beg or whatever- because honestly I've been through this kinda thing enough to just let it go when it happens. I can't chase people. It's too exhausting. If someone wants to leave then okay go ahead. We ended on good terms though. I wasn't mad. Wished him luck. And went dead quiet on him..

 

So two days later he's sending me personal snaps on snapchat, a lot more than before which was barely any at all. Then xmas eve says "i'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. Hope you and your puppy have a great Xmas eve." and also says he needs to meet my family. Then, at midnight texts me wishing me a merry xmas.

 

then the following days has sent me 5 personal snaps. the next day, same thing. this is WAY more attention that I was getting before our "talk"... he even sent out a mass text including me iniviting everyone to see him play at a bar/restaurant. which I wont be going to lol. Idk what the heck he is thinking...why break it off with me then give me way more attention when you wanted to not date anyone..

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Raindropsun Apprentice

Raindropsun

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Probably didn't want to get you a present or do anything that would require a label. Now that the gift-giving days are done, he needs a NYE date. Eh, sounds like a dime a dozen kind of guy. He could just be fishing for attention. NEXT!

 

That is spot on!

 

There's boys out there that do that. And most likely he's one.

 

I want to add that maybe he just didn't want a committed relationship with you so he came up with that "excuse." If it was a real excuse then he would leave you alone.

 

But he's feeling lonely now and just wants to keep you around for his benefits without a title or commitment

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katrina1980 Grand Master

katrina1980

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He may have just freaked out and felt he needed to walk away. Then when he took some time he realized he wanted to see you and show you you are important to him. This is just an idea and it’s something I’ve done and gone though. It’s hard to give your heart.

 

Would you mind elaborating on this?

 

So you start to "care," perhaps a little too much, freak out and walk away?

 

Then when she's gone, the pressure is off, your heart is open and free to miss her without the "pressure" to deliver on the goods, after which you start pursuing her again (sort of), as a friend mostly, with slight romantic undertones, leading the woman to think godonlyknowswhat.

 

Do I have this right?

 

Have you ever gotten "back together" with any of these woman you cared so much about but walked away from? If so, what happened then?

 

Did you start freaking out again?

 

Genuinely curious; I've read I don't know how many threads, on this forum and others, from guys who have experienced the same thing and just to know, if you haven't considered this already, it is super confusing for the woman, not to mention misleading, and unless you're serious about giving it another shot, actually quite selfish and cruel.

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lady00 Grand Master

lady00

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He wants your attention, but only on his terms. He will eventually give up. If he wants to date you he knows how to express that, but it sounds like he just wants to text here and there and will probably lose interest in that eventually. It sounds like he wants to be single but isn't quite fully ready to be alone and not have any attention from you at all.

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figureitout23 Grand Master

figureitout23

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Based solely on your post, I'd say he's a typical push/pull, hot/cold kind of guy, they want you until they have you. Again, I am basing this solely on what you're written here and I could be way off but if he is this type of guy, the longer you hold on the harder it will be to walk away. Those types of relationships are a b*tch to get over, I've been there. His words aren't matching his actions, so until they do let him be.

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katrina1980 Grand Master

katrina1980

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Hi first of all I’m a woman lol. I know what I explained is not ideal or fair in any way. This probably identifies that I am not ready to date someone seriously as I keep ruining relationships and running away.

 

Yeah it's fear which I am not going to fault you for. I struggle with certain fears myself.

 

What is wrong however is to reach out to your ex-partner, wanting him/her to know how important they are to you, unless and until you have worked through your fears, and conquered them, and ready to give the RL your best shot.

 

Because, and as evidenced by what the OP is experiencing now, reaching out again in this way is very misleading and confusing, because unless you've worked through your fears, it's only a matter of time before you will "freak out" again, leaving the other person more hurt and confused than they were the first time you freaked. That's cruel.

 

Best of luck though; relationship/commitment/anxiety issues are tough to conquer.

 

By the way, I think this is what's happening with the OP's guy too.

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katrina1980 Grand Master

katrina1980

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Based solely on your post, I'd say he's a typical push/pull, hot/cold kind of guy, they want you until they have you.

 

Could be this too, wouldn't rule it out.

 

I think the reason I give these guys the benefit of the doubt is because of my own brother's issues with anxiety and relationships.

 

But it may not be that at all; he may simply be what figureitout posted above. Game playing, push/pull, PUA wannabe.

 

Lots of them roaming around too! :D

 

It's really hard to say for sure without knowing him and getting into his head.

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xcookie7x Enthusiast

xcookie7x

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I've been talking to and seeing another guy because when this thing happens I just let them go and keep it moving for my own sake.. I don't think he knows I'm just dating again, I mean I'm not obligated to tell him when he didn't want to date anyone and it was his idea to stop.. But I definitely felt more chemistry with him than I have with anyone in a long time... maybe that scared him too, I don't know. He was engaged and got cheated on. He's 28 now by the way if that means anything. I am 25. and like I said HE wanted to call it dating and said he was looking for love in his life. then HE called it all off. and now HE is giving me waay more attention than before the talk when he was pulling away. I just don't get it. I'd love to try things again for real with him but I don't have it in me to chase anyone anymore. so that'd be his call. not mine. i'm just doing my thing. it's just funny to me that now i'm getting all this attention like we're so close and before I was doing the initiating. and how he's saying he wants to meet my family and what not. just funny...

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xcookie7x Enthusiast

xcookie7x

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To be fair I don't think he's a huge player. He seems to have a small group of friends. He told me he was depressed and didn't have the mentality to date. He thanked me for staying nice and positive and that it is good motivation for him. Still, I am not dumb and not waiting around for him. I just wish he didn't call it off. I would have stayed by his side. I don't like feeling like i'm being put on hold.. he never said he was doing that. But when you call things off then invite them to events and text them saying you want to meet their family it feels that way.. I think he met me and truthfully freaked out because he wasn't ready to feel things again after what happened with his ex.. but just my speculation. who knows. just wish people didn't do this kinda crap lol..

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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I think you're totally doing the right thing by moving on quickly and not latching onto false hopes. That's good that you know not to be strung along. Some guys will break it off with you, but don't want you to go away (they like the attention!!) Good riddance.

 

PS - Not saying that he's a player, but I think that any one would like the ego boost of knowing all their exes showed up to an important event!!

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figureitout23 Grand Master

figureitout23

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To be fair I don't think he's a huge player. He seems to have a small group of friends. He told me he was depressed and didn't have the mentality to date. He thanked me for staying nice and positive and that it is good motivation for him. Still, I am not dumb and not waiting around for him. I just wish he didn't call it off. I would have stayed by his side. I don't like feeling like i'm being put on hold.. he never said he was doing that. But when you call things off then invite them to events and text them saying you want to meet their family it feels that way.. I think he met me and truthfully freaked out because he wasn't ready to feel things again after what happened with his ex.. but just my speculation. who knows. just wish people didn't do this kinda crap lol..

 

To be fair you have to take some credit for your predicament. Is he a bit of a buttface, messaging you after breaking things off? Yes. But the hope and second guessing and dissecting his actions? That's all you. You are choosing to be placed on hold.

 

He's going to do what he's going to do, your reaction to it is all you can control. Don't want this to happen again? It may be good to develop a habit of cutting off exes. He's only able to keep in contact with you because you allow it, if you really want him to leave you alone simply tell him ' please stop contacting me.' Or if you want to make it easier simply block him. There are ways to avoid hanger ons.

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katrina1980 Grand Master

katrina1980

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It's called 'catch and release'. You're just sport to him.

 

So he "caught" her, then "released" her; what do you call what he's doing now, trying to catch her again, only to release her again, once he does so?

 

What a game.

 

But yeah if true you're right, she's just sport to him, but for some reason, in this particular case, I think it may go deeper than just "sport."

 

My brother is the same way this guy is, which I've posted about previously; it isn't sport to him at all, in fact he really struggles with his issues often (as well as the women he falls for).

 

But hell, in this case, I could be wrong, be been wrong before about out these things! :D

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Alex39 Mentor

Alex39

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Please please pleaseeee heed my warning. This is no good. My ex treated me like this for three years. We were never in a relationship. Said he wasnt sure about a relationship, but then kept me hooked on and on. This is a recipe for disaster.

 

No stable, respectful guy will play with you back and forth, up and down. A real man will want to date and be secure. This guy isn't looking to be a boyfriend or committed.

 

Like me, you accept his behavior. He comes in and out of your life and you say nothing, treat him nicely, and still sort of date him. He loves this. No commitment, but he has a girl on a hook. Play the game. Forget him. Don't answer all his messages. If you reply, be generic. You owe him nothing. Don't converse all the time on the phone, text or snap.

 

If he asks to do something, don't accept half plans or last minute. Be busy. Go on online dating and fill your life with other guys and dates. This guy is immature and using you. He's telling you all you need to know too.

 

In the end, my ex litetally said to me "you kept sticking around"

 

It was my fault. I was nice and accepting when he waltzed back in. I now know guys, love, relationships don't work that way. It is work, but it shouldn't be hard work. This is already hard, your questioning, and analyzing his behavior. It shouldn't be this way. You should feel secure in his actions that he likes you, because he will make you feel that way, not this him taking off and sending the occassional snap.

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Sportster2005 Mentor

Sportster2005

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So he "caught" her, then "released" her; what do you call what he's doing now, trying to catch her again, only to release her again, once he does so?

 

What a game.

 

But yeah if true you're right, she's just sport to him, but for some reason, in this particular case, I think it may go deeper than just "sport."

 

My brother is the same way this guy is, which I've posted about previously; it isn't sport to him at all, in fact he really struggles with his issues often (as well as the women he falls for).

 

But hell, in this case, I could be wrong, be been wrong before about out these things!

 

 

Maybe my post was a bit glib. When you get old, you have seen these things over and over. I know, hard to believe, I might be a bit jaded

 

It does seem to me he is catching and releasing. The behaviour is there. Being deeper than just sport, doesn't change anything. Anytime you get messed around like this, you should leave. I've never seen, or experienced instances like these turning out well.

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Alex39 Mentor

Alex39

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"I don't hace the mentality to date"

 

Ugh noooo

 

He is saying I don't want to date you or be committed at all.

 

He is telling you that you will not get any of that with him. So going forward if you let him use you for attention, hookup, then you know not to expect anything from him.

 

Its a mind game. He isn't "hurt" or "depressed"

I guarantee he goes drinking, to parties, out with friends, and would hookup if you were down. Does that sound depressed to you?

 

My ex was the same exact way. Said the same things. He was "hurt" from a previous relationship and so broken

He is setting you up to not expect a lot from him. And you won't because he's "broken"

 

I already see you making excuses for him.

 

 

Words vs. Reality

 

Words are what he says. Reality is that he isn't dating you, thus does not want to date you. Don't take this harsh. I truly want to help you from making the mistakes I have.

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katrina1980 Grand Master

katrina1980

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Maybe my post was a bit glib. When you get old, you have seen these things over and over. I know, hard to believe, I might be a bit jaded

 

It does seem to me he is catching and releasing. The behaviour is there. Being deeper than just sport, doesn't change anything. Anytime you get messed around like this, you should leave. I've never seen, or experienced instances like these turning out well.

 

You, jaded? Nah, I don't believe it.

 

Anyway, I agree she should leave permanently; whether he has "issues" or not is irrelevant, what's happening is messing with her head (and heart) and I also agree situations like this rarely, if ever, turn out well.

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xcookie7x Enthusiast

xcookie7x

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"To be fair you have to take some credit for your predicament. Is he a bit of a buttface, messaging you after breaking things off? Yes. But the hope and second guessing and dissecting his actions? That's all you. You are choosing to be placed on hold.

 

He's going to do what he's going to do, your reaction to it is all you can control. Don't want this to happen again? It may be good to develop a habit of cutting off exes. He's only able to keep in contact with you because you allow it, if you really want him to leave you alone simply tell him ' please stop contacting me.' Or if you want to make it easier simply block him. There are ways to avoid hanger ons. "

 

 

I said I am dating someone else lol. but thanks for the advice I appreciate it.

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