Just a complete mess

[WindingWallows]

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, We now have a 2 year old and a house. Picture perfect family, right? Not quite..

I started dating my bf because he is the sweetest, most caring person I know. A couple months in I started realising I wasn't very attracted to him sexually.. But I ignored it and kept being with him. These feelings would come and go. Two years in I cheated on him. I told him I had just made out with a guy when really I went home with him.. We worked through it and the guilt started kicking in.

After our child was born we both put our relationship to the side.. I was dealing with a bit of depression and anxiety at this time and began shutting him out. There were points where we both thought we were going to break up.

Recently, I began sexting other guys. I am not sexually attracted to my boyfriend. I dont want to be intimate with him. At first I thought maybe my sex drive was gone..but it isn't.

Well anyways, I got caught. He wants to go to counselling..I know if we do that I will end up confessing about what happened years ago. And I know I need to, but I dont want to destroy him. Ive been hiding it so long because I know how hurt he would be..

I'm at a loss. I dont want to ruin our family but no matter what I do someone will be hurting.

I want to be with him still, so we dont lose our family, but I dont want to be with him At the same time. He is my best friend, the greatest father, a kind person but I'm just not happy.. It has taken 5 years to realise this. Is it selfish to leave? Is it selfish to stay? I know what I did was wrong, theres no denying it. I just dont know where to go from here.

[reinventmyself]

How about you go to counseling alone first? This will help you sort your own stuff out before going to couples counseling.

[Honeycomb8]

Just leave. F fs you've put the guy through enough hurt already.

[Wiseman2]

It seems you would rather be roommates and co-parents than a couple. It's not selfish to leave, it's selfish to stay with a man you've never been attracted to and do not want intimacy with.

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, We now have a 2 year old and a house. A couple months in I started realising I wasn't very attracted to him sexually.

Two years in I cheated on him.

Recently, I began sexting other guys.

I am not sexually attracted to my boyfriend.

I dont want to be intimate with him.

He is my best friend, the greatest father, a kind person but I'm just not happy.

[j.man]

Yeah... time to not be selfish went away when you chose to stay with him despite not having any sexual attraction toward him and then once again when you brought a kid into this world with him. Now he's got the great decision of staying with an unfaithful partner or losing his family and paying out of pocket for the privilege. Damage is done. Now it's time to give him the opportunity to sift through the ashes sooner than later.

[Usa1ah]

You cheated on him had a kid with him now you are cheating again. What a winner you are.

 

You know if you were honest with him to begin with, you would not be hear now. Great job on ruining another persons life.

[SweetGirl28]

Could it be that sweet and caring actually turns you off?

Why is it that there's no sexual attraction?

You created life together. Interested in the reasoning behind this.

 

is it that your sex drives aren't compatible? He doesn't please you? You're not physically attracted? What is it??

[WindingWallows]

Could it be that sweet and caring actually turns you off?

Why is it that there's no sexual attraction?

You created life together. Interested in the reasoning behind this.

 

is it that your sex drives aren't compatible? He doesn't please you? You're not physically attracted? What is it??

 

I love his sweet and caring side. I am not sexually attracted to him at this point. I Think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have been hiding such a big secret from him that I'm not comfortable enough to be intimate with him. I am still sorting my thoughts out

[WindingWallows]

How about you go to counseling alone first? This will help you sort your own stuff out before going to couples counseling.

I want to do counseling by myself but he wants to do couples counselling at like the same time, I dont think it would work though..

[MissCanuck]

I love his sweet and caring side. I am not sexually attracted to him at this point. I Think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have been hiding such a big secret from him that I'm not comfortable enough to be intimate with him. I am still sorting my thoughts out

 

No, that's not entirely accurate - you said you realized a couple months into dating him that you weren't sexually attracted to him. This was before you cheated the first time, wasn't it? You have been lacking that sexual chemistry almost from the get-go, it seems.

 

Your relationship isn't going to work. You love him as a friend and the father of your little one, but not enough as a romantic and life partner.

[WindingWallows]

No, that's not entirely accurate - you said you realized a couple months into dating him that you weren't sexually attracted to him. This was before you cheated the first time, wasn't it? You have been lacking that sexual chemistry almost from the get-go, it seems.

 

Your relationship isn't going to work. You love him as a friend and the father of your little one, but not enough as a romantic and life partner.

 

You are correct, I did say that and it was before I cheated yes. The attraction was there at the beginning. It seems to come and go.

[reinventmyself]

I want to do counseling by myself but he wants to do couples counselling at like the same time, I dont think it would work though..

Yes. It can work

I've done it and know others who have as well.

Ideally it's best for both parties to do some individual counseling first and go together as a couple.

At this point do something. Anything.

[Usa1ah]

You are correct, I did say that and it was before I cheated yes. The attraction was there at the beginning. It seems to come and go.

 

This is so great.

 

Never really attracted to him, cheating on multiple occasions and getting ready to ruin his life. You actually have him thinking that you really do love him.

 

Now you have him on the hooks for child support when this relationship ends.

[WindingWallows]

This is so great.

 

Never really attracted to him, cheating on multiple occasions and getting ready to ruin his life. You actually have him thinking that you really do love him.

 

Now you have him on the hooks for child support when this relationship ends.

 

He knows that we are not in a good place, we have talked and have agreed on couples and individual counselling. I dont plan on taking child support if we split. Custody would be split even I'm not looking for money but thanks for assuming that was some sort of end game

And I do love him, I just dont feel IN love

[DaisyMayPorter]

He is my best friend, the greatest father, a kind person but I'm just not happy..

 

You don't cheat on and lie to your "best friend".

[itsallgrand]

He deserves to know the whole truth so that he can make educated decisions for his own self and in the best interests of his child.

[LuvFleetwoodMa]

First of all, I am sorry you had to experience making yourself vulnerable to share something difficult and painful, and were met with some judgment and ire. Not everyone is perfect, and we all hope to live up to ideals, but many of us have emotional, mental, or life-circumstance burdens that become too much. When you have too many demons in life to battle, sometimes you falter. Have some compassion, people, sheesh! She is coming to you for help!

 

I have been in and out of love with my husband for 16 years (married 13). He cheated on me while we dated and into our early marriage. Recently, 13 years later, I did it back to him. He never confessed it, and I had to catch him after we were married. It is a LOT worse to have to catch someone than it is to have them confess to you out of respect. I confessed to my husband when I got back at him recently. Back when he did it, we went into therapy and yes, it was individual therapy AND couples' therapy at the same time (three therapy bills a week). It took 4 years and lots of money (even after insurance), but it did help.

 

We uncovered things we both had repressed, and we both learned a lot more about one another, which helped us bond. He was sexually and emotionally abused as a kid. I was sexually, emotionally, and physically abused as a kid. Our therapists had us cut off from our toxic families. I realize this is just my story, but my point is, there is a lot to be discovered in therapy and it can be life-changing, and normally it is when you commit to it. Personally, I would save the part about not feeling attracted to him for individual therapy (and start that a few sessions before couple's therapy), and ask your individual therapist when and how to disclose that. I would tell him myself about the cheating rather than have him hear it in front of the therapist for the first time. (How would you want him to tell you?) Again, if you need help on how to do that, go to an individual therapist first. (I went to my new therapist a few sessions before recently telling my husband about having an affair.)

 

A LOT of hardships happened to us in the years between his cheating and my affair. I had two nervous breakdowns at periods when I felt like I could not love him (2010, and 2015). I came back from it each time, but I suffered extreme depression and anxiety. Part of it is my own childhood issues causing me to not feel safe and trusting (and residual trust issues that never got resolved from his initial cheating), but part of it is that he and I had chemistry issues from the start. I understand what you mean when you say you were attracted to him and then weren't. Anyone who cannot understand how a sex life can ebb and flow is someone who isn't having a very real sex life in the first place. For me, my husband was not very experienced when I met him. He had had one gf ever, and had slept with few people. Some people can have few experience, but learn a lot from it; my husband was not one of these people. He is socially stunted from a screwed up, isolated childhood, and he did not do much in college or young single life to overcome his handicaps. In addition, he had this false Boy Scout facade that he showed the world, which was an ego need he had left over from the way his parents raised him. It is difficult to feel chemistry with a Boy Scout in bed.

 

What the harsh commenters don't appear understand (or choose not to be compassionate about) is that there is a huge spectrum of love feelings, and most of us don't have black-or-white sentiments every day of our lives. Again, I will give my own story to try to help. Though I know it's not the same, I hope it may be useful to you. For me, my father was very abusive to me and the men I had been attracted to were much like him. Therapy will teach you that this is a pretty tried and true pattern for everyone. I had been used and mistreated by a number of men. When my husband came along, he was the first man to treat me well. I fell in love with him for treating me well, and because of his intellect, and the good person he was. I was sorely disillusioned when I found out about his cheating, but it did not erase the good qualities he had. Unfortunately, what he did caused long term negative effects, but bad things happen of all kinds in every marriage.

 

As for our chemistry, it has come and gone. I do not have any tidy answers or any profound conclusion from my own life. I am personally struggling with feeling out of love with him again now, and perhaps if this happens as much as it has it's a sign of needing to end it? Or, perhaps this is just life, and people who can't survive the lulls are the ones who end up alone? I ask myself if I would just end up going through the same thing with someone else? We all lose the "honeymoon" effect at some stage. This is a known psych fact. It happens to everyone in the first couple of years. Anyone who claims otherwise is too shallow to know their own feelings. In therapy we were told to read the book "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. It is a very well-known self-help book for marriage. It explains all the psychological maneuvering behind attraction and long term relationships. It explains why we fall in love, how/why we lose the romantic honeymoon stage, what it means, how to cope, and so on. It will be very helpful to you in explaining what it is to be committed to someone, and what you should realistically expect out of life and love.

 

One suggestion, my husband and I have used role play a lot to make sex more fun. It helps us work through things, allows me to not feel guilty about being into it, and bonds you by sharing fantasies. Do you ever do things like this with your man? It may help. Does he do things to be romantic toward you? Dates? Flowers? Talking romantically to you? My husband, unfortunately, never does any of this. It has been a frustrating battle to the point where I can no longer ask because I am so hurt and bitter about so many years of disappointment (and my birthday is on Valentine's Day, which SUCKS!). Take a look at what effort you both make toward being romantic. What do you need? What do the other men you are attracted to posses that your man does not, and is he capable of acquiring this?

 

Also, reflect on yourself and your idea of commitment to making things work. I have been cheated on and left by exes who were chronically unsatisfied with women, and who didn't spend long with any one person. These men are all pushing 40 and are still unmarried. I sure as heck have been capable of putting in the effort and work to sustain my relationship for 16 years, but my recent actions and feelings have made me question whether I can do this for the rest of my life. I say this for you to ask yourself where on the spectrum your dissatisfaction lies? It is not fair to him to keep going if you can't commit on the same level he is. Individual therapy should help you sort that out. But know that couples' therapy is designed to work on your relationship, whether it be to help it work, or end it. In my experience, most therapists are geared toward fixing it because they get paid to do so, and because most of them believe in saving marriages. So make sure you are conscious of what you are asking for help with, and why. I think individual therapy will help you the best if you start it in advance of couple's therapy, because it helps to have a clear idea of what you want from couples' therapy going into it.

 

In addition to reading that book, it would help to watch "The Story of Us" (1999) with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. It may help.

[Usa1ah]

He knows that we are not in a good place, we have talked and have agreed on couples and individual counselling. I dont plan on taking child support if we split. Custody would be split even I'm not looking for money but thanks for assuming that was some sort of end game

And I do love him, I just dont feel IN love

 

Never thought it was your end game.

 

You just never thought how this will hurt him, you never being IN love with him.

 

Child support is state law, not your choice. Cheating on the other hand was your choice.