Selfish fiancé

[Lulu1992]

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years we are recently engaged. I have always known he's a little bit selfish but the longer were together it just seems to be getting worse. Every year we have Xmas at my parents as his family isn't here but this year he decided he wanted to have it at our house. For months he was asking about the schedule for the day etc no one was to bothered about it but him . I worked all day Xmas eve then came home and did food shopping that night he went out to his friends while I decorated the house ( as we hadn't even put the tree up due to us both working so much ) and prepared food for the next day until 11pm he came home and I had just finished prepping I asked if he could help me tidy up & he replied no & went to bed. The next day I got up and made gingerbread cookies I then vacuumed the house & spent the day making deserts and food he never once asked if I needed help . He started drinking went in the spa .

 

When everyone arrived didn't even ask if they wanted a drink they had been at our house for 2 hrs & I asked when he would start the bbq he didn't want to I had to ask again 30 minutes as our guests where getting hungry and all I could see was him sitting there drinking . Eventually he did . I set the table etc the only thing he had to do was organise the meat he didn't even end up cutting the ham so the Xmas dinner ended up being just sausages and steak. I then did all the cleaning up & made tea and coffees etc when he proceeded to pick on me about never relaxing well how can I ? At the end of the night I asked if he had a good day & he said no as I was mean to him I asked what I had done and he said I was looking at him funny . I had worked every day up until Xmas I had organized everything & ive been unwell he never once said thanks it was his idea to have Xmas at ours I feel he could at least say thank you. He responded with I didn't thank him for cooking the bbq I didn't actually eat the bbe as I'm vegetarian which is why I didn't say thanks. Am I being selfish or is he?

[DanZee]

It sounds like he has some psychological problems, like severe depression or anger. What else is happening in your relationship? What other things is he doing that make no sense? Does he argue with you over minor things? Does he accuse you of cheating on him? Is he always criticizing you over something meaningless? He could be dishing out emotional abuse.

[Wiseman2]

Stop doing all this and enabling his drinking problem. Don't be a martyr and overdo everything to compensate for his drinking and inertia.

He started drinking went in the spa. I had to ask again 30 minutes as our guests where getting hungry and all I could see was him sitting there drinking.

[smackie9]

Please give him the ring back.

[Alex39]

I don't know how any other aspect of your relationship is, besides this one christmas day, to know if these issues are long lasting between you two.

 

It makes me nervous that he might have a closet drinking issue. He sounds like my uncle on xmas when he had alcoholism. My aunt would do everything and he would sit and do nothing. It also sounds like he did not realize how much work it takes to have a nice event.

 

I would sit him down calmy and talk about it nicely. Tell him that something is bothering you and you want to know what he thinks. Thus, he feels like you need his opinion. Guys love that.

 

Very simply, tell him how you loved the idea of throwing christmas, and didn't mind, but how you wanted it to be nice for everyone, and for him, but you felt it wasn't enjoyable or relaxing because you felt he didn't help you. Explain that if he had helped you prep a bit and helped during the event, that you could have been prepared in half the time, and you could have sat with him to enjoy your family together with drinks and laughs, instead of running around like a crazy person the whole day, and how you really wanted to enjoy the day with him. Then say something like, "going forward, what do you think of that? "

 

Then leave it open. Be silent, let him talk. Depending on his answer will tell you if you should get married or break up.

[superfan]

He drinks too much and expects you to be his mother. He shows zero initiative or gratitude.

 

Don't go into a marriage hoping he will change. He won't. What you see is what you get.

 

I would be returning the ring.

[reinventmyself]

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years we are recently engaged. I have always known he's a little bit selfish but the longer were together it just seems to be getting worse.

Well, you known this all along and yes, with age and zero accountability or consequences it tends to get worse.

 

I would have a `come to Jesus' moment with him and tell what you will and will not tolerate.

 

My guess is what you have is standing right in front of you.

It wouldn't hurt to tell him point blank what you need and see if anything happens.. . .before you give the ring back and walk out door.

If you've been accommodating to this behavior and doing nothing more than `look at him funny' then he'll continue to do the same.

 

Whatever you do, do not have a child with this man.

[boltnrun]

If you marry him (maybe I should say "when" you marry him), understand that YOU will be doing ALL of the cooking, cleaning and child raising BY YOURSELF in addition to working. Do NOT expect things to get better because I can guarantee they will not.

[Hollyj]

You're going to marry this creep??? What in the world are you thinking!!!

Sister, this is your future, and much worse!

 

Stop enabling people, and dump this guy!

[lilyv]

No one can see what you live through but you. However, it's clear that this dynamic has flourished for 8 years. It doesn't matter whether he's the self serving one and you're the server. To change the dynamics now will upset what he's expecting from you, unconditional love, adoration and endless apprectiation (one way street, only)