Only interested in the ones who don’t want me

[Maddyb12]

I have come to the realization that in terms of dating I only have an interest in guys who tend to treat me like they aren’t as interested. I’m 25 have had plenty of relationships and experience. Recently got out of a relationship and three separate “exes” popped back up saying they want a relationship with me, they messed up etc... but it seems now that I️ can have them I️ have zero interest. There is one guy who moved away and while he was away continuously told me he realizes now he wants a relationship with me, loves me etc. so I go and see him and his actions don’t match anything he had said for the whole year he was gone. Now I️ find myself obsessing over this one guy and I think it’s because he is putting me through a game again.

 

 

No real point to this I️ just don’t understand why I️ am this way with dating. Three weeks ago i was heartbroken but now it’s so off my radar it’s like it didn’t even happen.

 

I feel like I’ll never find someone who I️ truly will fall in love with

[lilyv]

I have come to the realization that in terms of dating I only have an interest in guys who tend to treat me like they aren’t as interested. I’m 25 have had plenty of relationships and experience. Recently got out of a relationship and three separate “exes” popped back up saying they want a relationship with me, they messed up etc... but it seems now that I️ can have them I️ have zero interest. There is one guy who moved away and while he was away continuously told me he realizes now he wants a relationship with me, loves me etc. so I go and see him and his actions don’t match anything he had said for the whole year he was gone. Now I️ find myself obsessing over this one guy and I think it’s because he is putting me through a game again.

 

 

No real point to this I️ just don’t understand why I️ am this way with dating. Three weeks ago i was heartbroken but now it’s so off my radar it’s like it didn’t even happen.

 

I feel like I’ll never find someone who I️ truly will fall in love with

Only you know yourself, no one can tell you who you are. I used to think that human nature is to want what they can't have or just having a need to earn something rather than have it easily. It's exhausting either way. Eventually we each behave accordingly or walk away from games. Relationships only become solid when each person articulates and shows trust to each other.

[Batya33]

To find the right person you have to be the right person. For me being the right person meant being excited and maintaining excitement with someone who wanted me back. And not needing the excitement of walking on egg shells and constantly worrying/analyzing everything I said/did to "win" the guy's attention.

 

I remember coming to a realization one night about a guy who I was dating but who would keep me on my toes by blowing hot and cold, etc - it was a third night of insomnia because he hadn't called. And I realized- this just is not worth it. And that feeling resonated. I felt so much more relaxed after that. Ended things shortly after when he showed me a scary side of him.

 

When I reconnected with my future husband who I'd dated in the past at first it was a challenge because there were some obstacles to us being together again and I wasn't sure if he wanted to get back together. After about a month it was very clear we were back together and very serious about what we wanted this time around. And I had a few hmmmm times where I had a few doubts, felt less excited. But the excitement returned because I'd found my match and that was exciting. Without having to jump through hoops or twist myself in a pretzel.

[katrina1980]

It may indicate commitment fears/issues.

 

Think about it, you pine away for those who don't want you.

 

Why? Because they're no threat to your single status, you can still come and go as you please, do as you wish, no pressure, no responsibilities, no threat to your independence.

 

Men like this are very intriguing to you, you are free to miss them, love them, obsess about them.

 

A woman (or man) "without" commitment issues wouldn't last one day with a man who wasn't interested in her. I wouldn't!

 

She wants a relationship, he doesn't, at least not with her, it's a big next!

 

Once a man actually becomes interested in you and expresses a desire to have a RL with you, that is when the fear kicks in and you suddenly lose interest.

 

Something to consider anyway.

[smackie9]

And why would you be interested in someone who treated you like crap in the past? You desire most what you can't have and that's what's going on here. Stop forcing yourself to be with someone. It would do you wonders to be single for awhile and focus on your life and enjoying your freedom. Being alone isn't a bad thing, so take advantage of that.

[Maddyb12]

So I have some questions for you. First off are you attractive like girl next door, or attractive like a model, or cute, or kinda cute, or decent with a super personality and a great body? I ask this cuz I have a friend who was the same way with men that you are.

PLENTY of experience, dated a lot, could go to a bar and walk out with a guy, she was decent looking but had a great body and the personality to go with it. When her relationships would end the man would tell her later how he messed up and would drive HOURS just to see her again. She however could only be with someone for 3 years and lose interest (I swear this is all true) until she got married to her now husband.

Maybe you should take the sex out of the equation and see how long the man can hold your interest. My friend is a very intelligent woman and that is important to her ,to have an intelligent man who can hold his own.

 

I’m not sure with fear of sounding conceited etc. I would say that I’m very attractive, I have no problem attracting guys and I’ve been told my personality is just as great as my looks etc. I just tend to not be attracted to typical “nice “ guys I suppose. I hate the “game” but at the same time it seems I gravitate towards it. If the guy in question were to be expressing interest in being with me now i would probably not be nearly as fixated on it. Maybe it’s an ego thing, it bothers me he said all these things and now that he’s back he’s not showing initiative even though when we spend time together it’s almost perfect. He mentioned he would likely be moving back out of state again though which makes me feel like it’s not even worth trying for because he’s just going to leave again

[Batya33]

I’m not sure with fear of sounding conceited etc. I would say that I’m very attractive, I have no problem attracting guys and I’ve been told my personality is just as great as my looks etc. I just tend to not be attracted to typical “nice “ guys I suppose. I hate the “game” but at the same time it seems I gravitate towards it. If the guy in question were to be expressing interest in being with me now i would probably not be nearly as fixated on it. Maybe it’s an ego thing, it bothers me he said all these things and now that he’s back he’s not showing initiative even though when we spend time together it’s almost perfect. He mentioned he would likely be moving back out of state again though which makes me feel like it’s not even worth trying for because he’s just going to leave again

 

But passive/insecure is not nice -in fact it's often self-absorbed. I would not look for a "nice" guy -I would look for a confident man who is also thoughtful, kind and "nice" in that way. I wouldn't pursue the guy who says he is moving unless it's feasible to do long distance and he is 110% interested in trying long distance with you.

[mountaingirl]

Yeah it sounds like perhaps you're going for the wrong type of guys. Gravitating towards the ones where you have to prove yourself. A self-worth issue perhaps? You don't trust the guys that are genuinely interested in you because you don't believe them?? Just a theory :)

 

You may be more comfortable/familiar with the emotionally unavailable ones that say all the right things but if you look at their actions, there's nothing there. Perhaps when they come back it validates you and also allows you to get over them because you can suddenly see how little they actually provided.

 

Because you're attractive, perhaps you meet a lot of guys easily and aren't consciously thinking more about who you're spending time with? But think about what do you really, truly want. Temporary fun with someone who won't ever commit or do you want someone that's got their stuff together and is looking for something serious?

[katrina1980]

Maddy, I recall a thread you created awhile back about a guy you had an "on line" thing with for around seven months.

 

You were crazy about him!

 

So you "are" able to become interested in men who are into you, so long as there is enough distance to not impose on your everyday life.

 

What is it about becoming intimately close to a man *in real life* that scares you so much?

 

Because "that" is what this is about, based on your history. In my opinion.

[Andrina]

Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve. Do some soul searching and see if your self esteem isn't as high as it should be. When you feel worthy of someone who will treat you like the special person you are, you won't accept any less. Maybe if you work on that area of your life, perhaps your interests in men will shift for the better.

[Maddyb12]

My last relationship lasted 8 months and he was a good guy we didn’t argue or anything but there was no spark. I know I’m capable of committing but seems i struggle to find someone who I’m truly interested in

[katrina1980]

My last relationship lasted 8 months and he was a good guy we didn’t argue or anything but there was no spark.

 

I know I’m capable of committing but seems i struggle to find someone who I’m truly interested in

 

I am "very" particular myself, in fact it is extremely rare when I feel that "spark" with a man. It really takes someone and something very special, a blend of many things for me to "feel" it. Not even tangible things so couldn't even tell you what they are.

 

It's a certain "energy" between us for lack of a better way to describe it.

 

And like you, I've rejected a lot of men too after one or two dates.

 

The difference between you and me though, is that once I realize a man isn't into me, I lose interest myself REAL quick. So that aspect of yourself may be something worth exploring.

 

Just keep going Maddy is all I can say.

 

Since my break up two years ago, it's been a rather rough road for me, but I finally met a man I truly click with and things are going really well, I have absolute no complaints, I just adore him!

 

In fact he will be here soon so gotta sign off, but please try and not be so hard on yourself.

 

Your "prince" will come. Mine did and if can happen to me it will happen for you!

[figureitout23]

Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve. Do some soul searching and see if your self esteem isn't as high as it should be. When you feel worthy of someone who will treat you like the special person you are, you won't accept any less. Maybe if you work on that area of your life, perhaps your interests in men will shift for the better.

 

Bingo! I think it's a bit of unhealthy habits learned as well. I was just saying this to someone else on another thread, when you learn unhealthy relationship habits. They are hard to break. You may very well be comfortable with push pull relationships because they are what you are used to. Maybe?

[katrina1980]

Bingo! I think it's a bit of unhealthy habits learned as well. I was just saying this to someone else on another thread, when you learn unhealthy relationship habits. They are hard to break. You may very well be comfortable with push pull relationships because they are what you are used to. Maybe?

 

I agree too! Push/pull was all I knew, this was the "norm" for me without even knowing what it was!

 

Yes unhealthy habits are hard to break until you meet a strong, secure man whom you're very attracted to who offers you something different.

 

No push/pull but a certain challenge nevertheless simply by virtue of the polarity between you, different natures and the ability to be open to different ways of interacting.

 

This is what happened to me; I struggled at first accepting my BF into my life, but now that I have made the decision to do so, I am so much happier!

 

I would not go back to that crazy "on edge" feeling if my life depended on it; I'd rather be alone.

 

M. Scott Peck (The Road Less Traveled) wrote "true love is a decision." I never used to believe that, but now I do.

 

I always thought it was a "feeling" but he wrote that those "feelings" are infatuation and "falling in love."

 

He wrote once you fall out of love and that infatuation, is actually when you truly start "loving." True love.

 

I believe this. Unfortunately people bail when that infatuation dies, thinking they don't "love" their partner anymore.

 

Not realizing the love simply changed, and can become even deeper! Long lasting, not fleeting like infatuation and that "falling in love" feeling is.

[Batya33]

I think love is a feeling and it's a choice whether to foster it, develop it, revive a spark, etc. I don't believe in talking oneself into being in love or loving someone. I do believe in acting in loving ways which can require a lot of self-talk and decision making depending on what's going on. For example -and I give this because I think people get too vague/abstract about this. The other night my husband could not find a really important paper. This happens too often IMO because he has tons of clutter. What I "felt" like doing was some version of "I told you so" -even subtle - I also felt frustrated because spending all that time searching for it takes time away from other things and would mean he'd have to get this paper again which would mean more appointments etc. Instead I said "can I help you look for it?" and asked him one or two questions about potential places it might be.

 

He didn't want help and I stayed silent about it but ready to help. The next day he told me he found it, and I asked casually where and he readily said "it was in a folder and it was all my fault that I couldn't find it quickly". Again, so tempting to start a discussion about how this can be avoided in the future - but I said "I'm glad you found it, that must have been a huge relief". I know -because I know him and love him -that that would let me vent and would not be effective in the least to my goal of him improving in that area. So instead I chose to act in a loving way and kept my mouth shut despite the temptation and frustration.

 

And it's those kind of small choices that is love. Grand gestures are awesome too but in a way those are easier. Of course huge sacrifices without showing resentment show love too but I think it's the daily decisions -especially to give space and stay silent but approachable - that are the most challenging and build the most love. (None of this is to say how awesome I am - because I'm not -at all -work in progress-and maybe some think my choice should have been easy "because I love him" but in my real life of constant multi-tasking, often sleep deprivation, etc it's easier to give in to the temptation so self-talk is in order).

[katrina1980]

What I think M. Scott Peck meant was, NOT that you're talking yourself into loving someone, but more that when that high of early infatuation fades, to "not" bail, as that is when you're able to truly start "loving" your partner in the true sense...

 

As it is 'then' you are able to "see" your partner and accept them without your projecting who you imagine them to be based on longing, uncertainty and/or early infatuation and that "falling in love" feeling, otherwise known as the "honeymoon" phase which is fleeting.

 

Longing and Uncertainty = Desiring, obsessing about someone you are unsure of or don't have. Those "on edge" feelings are intense but not "love." I am learning this.

 

Love = the caring and nurturing of someone you DO have and 'are' sure of, and are in a mutually healthy relationship with.

 

-M. Scott Peck, The Rosd Less Traveled

 

To Maddy, if you haven't read "The Road Less Traveled" I highly recommend it; it's a classic. It may help you gain some perspective about yourself, and what motivates you in your relationships, it has helped me!

[Batya33]

What I think M. Scott Peck meant was, NOT that you're talking yourself into loving someone, but more that when that high of early infatuation fades, to "not" bail, as that is when you're able to truly start "loving" your partner in the true sense...

 

As it is 'then' you are able to "see" your partner and accept them without your projecting who you imagine them to be based on longing, uncertainty and/or early infatuation and that "falling in love" feeling, otherwise known as the "honeymoon" phase which is fleeting.

 

Longing and uncertainty = Desiring, obsessing about someone you are unsure of or don't have. Those "on edge" feelings are intense but not "love." I am learning this.

 

Love = the caring and nurturing of someone you DO have and 'are' sure of, and are in a mutually healthy relationship with.

 

-M. Scott Peck, The Rosd Less Traveled

 

So I somewhat agree. I think true in love feelings come with some uncertainty, insecurity, fear and also excitement and passion and desire. I think feeling in love and feeling like you are falling in love is 100% essential to a lasting healthy relationship even though those ebb and flow -as Carrie in Sex and the City said you need at least the memory of the za za za zoom. I think without having those intense feelings and being able to revive the spark once you settle in more to being together you're not going to have that glue that holds you together.

 

But if the intense feelings were based on infatuation or the thrill of the chase and those subside when you "catch" each other - and then the person gets bored with actually having won the prize -then yes that person needs to learn how to appreciate the excitement of true love which can involve some uncertainty/fear/insecurity but is not fueled by a focus on "does he want me/will he call me/will he be there for me"

[katrina1980]

Batya, I don't have time to discuss this but I think you may have misinterpreted.

 

In no way am I suggesting a couple should "not" have those crazy "on edge" uncertain feelings of infatuation; of course they should! Or some variation thereof.

 

Only that those feelings are fleeting, and replaced with caring, certainty and nurturing, like what you have with your husband now?

 

But yeah "true love" starts with infatuation and falling in love, and a couple can always draw upon those feelings, and even re-create that "spark" when necessary, as they move along on their life together, caring for, nurturing and loving each other.

 

Gotta run, but Merry Christmss, to you and everone!

[katrina1980]

Batya, I don't have time to discuss this but I think you may have misinterpreted.

 

In no way am I suggesting a couple should "not" have those crazy "on edge" uncertain feelings of infatuation; of course they should!

 

Only that those feelings are fleeting, and replaced with caring, certainty and nurturing.

 

But yeah "true love" starts with infatuation and falling in love, and a couple can always draw upon those feelings, and even re-create that "spark" when necessary, as they move along on their life together, caring for, nurturing and loving each other.

 

Gotta run, but Merry Christmss, to you and everone!

 

That said ^, gotta say with my current boyfriend, whom I adore and "falling in love" with as we speak, except for maybe five seconds in the very beginning (see my earlier thread ), I never really felt that uncertain and "on edge" feeling.

 

Infatuation, yes! Still feeling it.

 

And when it subsides (which it will eventually it's only been 2.5 months), I have made the decision to stick around instead of running. If he'll have me.

[Batya33]

That said ^, gotta say with my current boyfriend, whom I adore and "falling in love" with as we speak, except for maybe five seconds in the very beginning (see my earlier thread ), I never really felt that uncertain and "on edge" feeling.

 

Infatuation, yes! Still feeling it.

 

And when it subsides (which it will eventually it's only been 2.5 months), I have made the decision to stick around instead of running. If he'll have me.

 

Different perspectives is what makes the world go round. I don't think infatuation has to be a part of it- for example long time friends who fall in love might never feel infatuated. And sure depending on how things develop there may never be any real uncertainty or on edge feelings but on the other hand some people mistake the thrill of the chase for love especially when its ongoing and the other person doesn't reciprocate.

 

I really hope it works out for you!

[Maddyb12]

I messaged the guy i posted this about and telling him I didn’t understand the point in spending majority of his time in the other state calling/messaging confessing his love to me just to come back and treat me the same as he said he wouldn’t and that I️ don’t particularly enjoy feeling stupid so i will leave him be and merry Christmas. This one in particular really bothers me, we saw eachother prior to him moving then he left and i moved on but of corse as soon as i did he popped back up confessing his love, how he wants me to be all his etc. just to come back and treat me maybe even worse than before. Another ego hit cause im wondering if seeing me made him change his mind.

[Batya33]

I'm not sure I would have messaged all of that because it likely doesn't make the impression you hoped it would make. Why did you even contact him? Did he ask you out on a specific date to see you when he returned or message you with something that required a prompt response? Maybe I'm missing something. I'm not sure why it's a problem that he's calling and messaging -you don't have to respond and your silence would have told him all he needed to know.

 

I'm sorry you're disappointed and it sounds like he's planning on moving away. Long distance is really hard from my experience.

[Rozhni]

You are like most women especially if you are attractive and young. As a young man I learned exactly how to play the game and I’ve come to realize that there is nothing wrong with playing “push pull”. Playing push pull is what builds attraction and makes girls REALIZE that the guy they are dating is amazing. Guys have to push by instigating and showing they are interested, but then completely back away. It sounds like a game, but it really is not. I honestly push to a female but if I feel like she starts to feel uninterested I just feel like “well fu** you” and I back off and do single guy things. Women have to realize that the guy who is into her (me) wants her, but can easily find someone else. No attractive girl wants some guy who is obsessive over her and constantly trying to get her because girls want someone they feel like they earned. It has to happen naturally. The girl has to chase the guy too because while the girl is doing the chasing, she’s falling for him. That’s why push pull is definitely a must. I have experience and it’s amazing how this has worked with me. If I had constantly pushed and pushed towards a girl I was dating, I wouldn’t be with the amazing girl I am with today.

[katrina1980]

You are like most women especially if you are attractive and young. As a young man I learned exactly how to play the game and I’ve come to realize that there is nothing wrong with playing “push pull”. Playing push pull is what builds attraction and makes girls REALIZE that the guy they are dating is amazing. Guys have to push by instigating and showing they are interested, but then completely back away. It sounds like a game, but it really is not. I honestly push to a female but if I feel like she starts to feel uninterested I just feel like “well fu** you” and I back off and do single guy things. Women have to realize that the guy who is into her (me) wants her, but can easily find someone else. No attractive girl wants some guy who is obsessive over her and constantly trying to get her because girls want someone they feel like they earned. It has to happen naturally. The girl has to chase the guy too because while the girl is doing the chasing, she’s falling for him. That’s why push pull is definitely a must. I have experience and it’s amazing how this has worked with me. If I had constantly pushed and pushed towards a girl I was dating, I wouldn’t be with the amazing girl I am with today.

 

So how has all your "push/pull" worked out re the girl you created your last thread about?

 

The girl who "isn't ready" and only wants to be "friends."

 

Not very well according to what you posted in your thread; you've been obsessing over her for months; meanwhile, even though she's texting, she isn't 'feeling it' and only wants to be friends.

 

Has this changed since you decided to "pull back"?

 

That said, I get what you're saying. I played that push/pull game for years; my relationships were exciting but far from healthy.

 

I have since met a man who has offered me a different way of interacting, and I'm falling in love with him!

 

Games get old after awhile, and the feelings elicited from game are fleeting.

[Maddyb12]

I'm not sure I would have messaged all of that because it likely doesn't make the impression you hoped it would make. Why did you even contact him? Did he ask you out on a specific date to see you when he returned or message you with something that required a prompt response? Maybe I'm missing something. I'm not sure why it's a problem that he's calling and messaging -you don't have to respond and your silence would have told him all he needed to know.

 

I'm sorry you're disappointed and it sounds like he's planning on moving away. Long distance is really hard from my experience.

 

I messaged it because it was something we had talked about, that i wasn’t interested in seeing him once back if it was going to be the same as before but of course he just said all the right things and nothing actually changed. In the last year i have gotten apology after apology i just don’t understand i guess but I’m not going to deal with that again