Dating is becoming less and less hopeful for me :(

[xcookie7x]

This is just to vent honestly. I can't vent to my friends anymore I don't want to chase them away. For the past 3 maybe even 4 years now I've been single. I've gone on more dates than I can even remember. Some horrible and some pretty good. And then there are a good handful of guys that have led me on only to break my spirit more and more each and every time it happens. And I still fail to understand why guys pull this move. I tell myself it's out of fear of being hurt but who really knows.

 

I meet these guys and they tell me I'm special. They pull every gentlemen move in the book. We talk on a deep personal level. They tell me their exs were cheats and liars or that they've been heart broken. Or "ghosted".. or ignored. I do everything in my power to show that I'm different. And as the dates build up and it goes on months of dating and hitting that exclusive area of seeing one another we get emotionally closer. The dates become even more fun. And he will make moves to progress. He'll talk about meeting his family. Sometimes, I even end up meeting the family and friends. Sometimes even more than that. And then right when I can feel he's starting to fall hard and maybe even pop that question.... he's gone. That's always when it happens..

 

The most recent guy I opened my heart up to had that happen and it just hurts honestly. I'm not looking for pity or trying to whine and say woe is me... I'm just hurt. After years of doing this crap, and finally thinking I might just be falling in love again.. I'm genuinely hurt. The last time I had seen him was the best and most vulnerable we had been with one another. We connected on a personal level and were laughing all night long. And I'm not just saying it was great from my POV, he was telling me he's having so much fun and I'm amazing to be around. He was talking about anything and everything he wanted to do with me months in advance. And this is after 3 months of dating and him promising me he had only been seeing me which I think was the truth. And I just felt that chemistry soul connection, the type when you feel the energy with that person and it's like it is in the movies....And you could tell it was getting to that point where very real feelings were emerging and it was kinda the point where he'd be asking me to be his girlfriend officially.. and then i'm told he cannot date because of his mental state but that he loves seeing my beautiful face and being around me and that we should still "chill"... it hurts and I do not get it. So I played it cool because honestly I'm just used to it at this point. And he was a little surprised by it I think and said "Thank you so much for not flipping out

[Starlight925]

Note: I'm not a therapist, so please take what I say just from my personal opinion:

 

Sounds like you're falling for narcissists. Which indicates something possibly from your past, maybe your childhood, where you're attracted to this dynamic.

 

All the classic narcissist signs are there: Lovebombing, Future Faking, Idealizing (creating that soulmate connection), Devaluing (even though you may not see it), and the eventual Discard.

 

I recommend that you meet with a therapist and discuss these relationships at length, along with your familial relationships, to draw any conclusions.

 

Basically, you're falling for the lovebombing, and your dopamine levels take a hit every time they say these sweet nothings, and the reason it's so hard for you to move past is, your brain is now reliant on the dopamine.

 

Advice for future dating is to take things a lot slower, and any guy who comes on sickly strong, super fast, with future talk....take as a warning sign. Be the brakes, or stop it completely. A good relationship unfolds over time, and the fact that these guys rush to lock you in should come with a Red warning sticker.

 

Again, I'm not trying to diagnose anyone. At the very least, this guy was a player.

 

We don't attract the wrong people, but we choose to stay with the wrong people. Choose to leave next time you see warning signs.

[xcookie7x]

You're right I guess I just thought he was really sweet hearted but I think he might be bipolar and mentally unstable which seems to be a huge pattern in who I end up with. I loved him because he was so close with his sisters and they always hung out, he was close to his mom and loved both his parents, he donated toys to a Christmas event for kids. He did do drugs though, not hard drugs but still drugs... He possibly is a narcissist too. But it more so seems to be guys that just can't mentally handle the realness of commitment once it's actually put in front of them. He had talked about having walls up. Maybe he was afraid to be hurt. I really don't know. but then saying he cannot date because of his mental state but that he loves seeing my beautiful face and being around me and that we should still "chill" and giving me a little more attention since then hurts me a lot. my other guy friend said it's just so he doesn't fully lose me, because he's not ready, but knew what he had... i'm talking to someone new and I definitely want to go slower. my friends know him and said he's a great guy. so wish me luck or a prayer lol. thanks for your comment.

[DanZee]

How old are you? What age group are we talking about? It's important to know because it's different if this is happening in your 20s versus happening in your 40s.

[thorough]

You're right I guess I just thought he was really sweet hearted but I think he might be bipolar and mentally unstable which seems to be a huge pattern in who I end up with. I loved him because he was so close with his sisters and they always hung out, he was close to his mom and loved both his parents, he donated toys to a Christmas event for kids. He did do drugs though, not hard drugs but still drugs... He possibly is a narcissist too. But it more so seems to be guys that just can't mentally handle the realness of commitment once it's actually put in front of them. He had talked about having walls up. Maybe he was afraid to be hurt. I really don't know. but then saying he cannot date because of his mental state but that he loves seeing my beautiful face and being around me and that we should still "chill" and giving me a little more attention since then hurts me a lot. my other guy friend said it's just so he doesn't fully lose me, because he's not ready, but knew what he had... i'm talking to someone new and I definitely want to go slower. my friends know him and said he's a great guy. so wish me luck or a prayer lol. thanks for your comment.

 

I have been there a couple of times and learned when a guy love bombs you from the start, that always ends very badly. When its too good to be true, leave cause it is. Take things slow w/the guy and do not show any desperation on wanting a relationship. I don't think the guys can't handle commitment, they either only want sex or they don't want to outright reject you/lose you.

[Batya33]

"They tell me their exs were cheats and liars or that they've been heart broken. Or "ghosted".. or ignored."

 

If that is their choice of how to make an early or first impression run like the wind. Even if it's true -shows that they lack common sense and basic social skills or simply want to manipulate you so that you will take up the challenge to be different.

[Raindropsun]

In my opinion I think he's leading you on.

 

I'm in the semi same boat as you. I always thought or think I'll never meet the one to spend my life with. I met someone and that changed but he broke my heart after 3 years. Then right away I met someone and took it slow with them. I'm still with them but I'm not sure like anyone else if he's the one. I think I'm more cautious now.

 

But going back to you, I think this guy is leading you on so he can benefit from a "relationship." When you want a committed relationship, he says he's not mentally stable. That's him saying he doesn't want one. But since you want to stay with him and date him still, he was surprised.

 

I honestly would leave him and move on. No one should wait around for someone in hopes he will change his mind. If you move on now, you will be closer to finding the soulmate you want.

 

Don't waste your time on him. He's just using you.

[PICCOLLO]

Mental health conditions, particularly anxiety are all too prevalent these days and often its best when ppl leave or want to leave because of that, its best to let them go.

 

The snapchat activity is the result of you withdrawing, leaving him to chase. It suggests that perhaps you are generally too available?

 

Id also like to mention that the real world isnt akin to love you see in movies, etc. Stay grounded, work out what values you want from a partner and adhere to them. Soul connection after three months is just being love drunk from chemistry. That passes and maybe what has happened here.

 

All the best with things but remember,jumping into something new too soon while heartbroken could sabotage your next relationship

[catfeeder]

Most people are just not our match. That's not cynical, it's math. It can be liberating and keep you optimistic if you view dating as ruling out bad matches rather than pin your hopes on every one. When you can roll with dating and allow bad matches to pass early, you'll view yourself as holding out for true simpatico with someone who 'gets you' rather than failing at anything.

 

Love is rare. It's meant to be rare--or what would be so special about it?

 

Head high, and take rests when you need them. Fatigue is okay, pessimism is not.

[Zippy2000]

I m with you at dating. I ve lost all hope. Ive been doing online dating since 2005. I was on a site called Friends Reunited dating back then. It was my first internet dating relationship and it lasted for a year. Since then I ve had lots of flings and meaningless mini relationships where I called it off or they left me. Not sure where you are meeting most of your dates but all of mine have been online. Ive noticed a lot of people who I date seem to think theres something better out there and see most of the people I dated BACK online.

 

I m fed up of all the initial excitement that leads to a total anti climax when something happens along in the relationship in the early stages and puts them off and I get dumped. I m fed up of waking up in the morning finding that person gone and its like I m grieving all over again another loss. Im now 43 and havent met anyone who has stayed long enough to call them my girlfriend. My friends have all met people and met people online. I just dont think some people are meant to be in relationships.

 

In May of this year I met I thought who was the one. After 3 months of dating she called it quits. I cant count the times I ve been let down anymore. As or you mentioning its the men who come on strong? Well, Im a man and I ve never treated a woman like that. Fair enough I ve changed my mind about or lost feelings towards them. It happens and is part of life. Be strong and develop a thicker skin and date slower. Some men like to say or do the right things to get you into bed and once they had you. Then boom theyre gone.

 

Its going to 2018. I m not sure who I ll meet but I ll be cautious.

[xcookie7x]

Thanks to everyone who has commented on this post. This is probably some of the nicest and most helpful feedback I've gotten on here so far.. I appreciate it. To answer some of the questions above; I've met these guys online, through friends, on datings apps, through work. Basically any possible way lol. So I've tried all routes.

 

Also, I am in my mid twenties. The men I have tried things with are either a few years older or younger, so once again I've tried both ways lol.

 

I usually always let them initiate and court me. Honestly usually even beg for me to be their girlfriend and say they'll treat me differently from any other guys and they're the best choice. and when I FINALLY break my walls down they run lol.. Maybe I just have bad luck..

 

Also update: Talking to a guy who knows my best friends. We met through mutual friends and added one another through Facebook. He asked to celebrate New Years with me. I am trying to take it slow after my past. He is 28 so I'm HOPING he is a little more geared towards something committed. Wish me luck lol. I shall not give up the fight for love!

[Batya33]

"Honestly usually even beg for me to be their girlfriend and say they'll treat me differently from any other guys and they're the best choice. and when I FINALLY break my walls down they run lol.. Maybe I just have bad luck.."

 

why would someone have to beg and how does begging make you feel?

[musicman777]

I m with you at dating. I ve lost all hope. Ive been doing online dating since 2005. I was on a site called Friends Reunited dating back then. It was my first internet dating relationship and it lasted for a year. Since then I ve had lots of flings and meaningless mini relationships where I called it off or they left me. Not sure where you are meeting most of your dates but all of mine have been online. Ive noticed a lot of people who I date seem to think theres something better out there and see most of the people I dated BACK online.

 

I m fed up of all the initial excitement that leads to a total anti climax when something happens along in the relationship in the early stages and puts them off and I get dumped. I m fed up of waking up in the morning finding that person gone and its like I m grieving all over again another loss. Im now 43 and havent met anyone who has stayed long enough to call them my girlfriend. My friends have all met people and met people online. I just dont think some people are meant to be in relationships.

 

In May of this year I met I thought who was the one. After 3 months of dating she called it quits. I cant count the times I ve been let down anymore. As or you mentioning its the men who come on strong? Well, Im a man and I ve never treated a woman like that. Fair enough I ve changed my mind about or lost feelings towards them. It happens and is part of life. Be strong and develop a thicker skin and date slower. Some men like to say or do the right things to get you into bed and once they had you. Then boom theyre gone.

 

Its going to 2018. I m not sure who I ll meet but I ll be cautious.

 

That makes me both sad and unoptimistic for my own future reading that. You been at this crap since 2005 and still haven't found anyone?

[Zippy2000]

That makes me both sad and unoptimistic for my own future reading that. You been at this crap since 2005 and still haven't found anyone?

 

Yes! I have been at this crap at 2005! Ive tried Friends Reunited Dating, Match, EHarmony, Badoo, Meetups, City Socialising, I ve done one Speed Dating event, asked strangers out, work colleagues. Nothing! Zilch. Ive had countless dates. A lot leads to a second date but after that its dark territory. I find people who use the net seem to think theres something better out there. The Grass is Greener syndrome.

 

Its like people dont want relationships anymore and its like they can just go back online to find someone else but I find a lot of people have history or baggage.

 

Im fed up of the flirting, the getting to know you stage and then they disappear. Ive never had women fade on me. Not sure if its a guys thing but women tend to make desicions and thats it. I was never consulted they just dump me. Ive been dumped by text, and by email. Its horrible.

[mandeelove]

I am in the same boat since 2013. On dating websites. Find a guy for a few months...then dumped. Basically all been a waste of time. The sites get worse and worse everytime so I dont even go on them anymore. Havent had a profile in 2 years. I wonder where women can meet a good man these days? And its not about getting men. I find thats easy. Its about keeping them or them turning to be a good one. They all turn bad and go right back to the sites or even worse....fb and ig. That turned into a dating site. Cant trust anyone. Everyone is irreplacable due to social media. Temptation is higher these days and more people are cheating . Its at the fingertips.

[mandeelove]

I also want to add that I was falling for back to back men who were lovebombing and moving fast. It ended bad...and fast.... So i switched it to slow moving men with normal actions. Let me tell you...that went bad too. I just think its a matter of luck and when you're meant to meet the one or not. Everything else is a life lesson until then.

[Loveedovee]

Note: I'm not a therapist, so please take what I say just from my personal opinion:

 

Sounds like you're falling for narcissists. Which indicates something possibly from your past, maybe your childhood, where you're attracted to this dynamic.

 

All the classic narcissist signs are there: Lovebombing, Future Faking, Idealizing (creating that soulmate connection), Devaluing (even though you may not see it), and the eventual Discard.

 

I recommend that you meet with a therapist and discuss these relationships at length, along with your familial relationships, to draw any conclusions.

 

Basically, you're falling for the lovebombing, and your dopamine levels take a hit every time they say these sweet nothings, and the reason it's so hard for you to move past is, your brain is now reliant on the dopamine.

 

Advice for future dating is to take things a lot slower, and any guy who comes on sickly strong, super fast, with future talk....take as a warning sign. Be the brakes, or stop it completely. A good relationship unfolds over time, and the fact that these guys rush to lock you in should come with a Red warning sticker.

 

Again, I'm not trying to diagnose anyone. At the very least, this guy was a player.

 

We don't attract the wrong people, but we choose to stay with the wrong people. Choose to leave next time you see warning signs.

 

I have been there a couple of times and learned when a guy love bombs you from the start, that always ends very badly. When its too good to be true, leave cause it is. Take things slow w/the guy and do not show any desperation on wanting a relationship. I don't think the guys can't handle commitment, they either only want sex or they don't want to outright reject you/lose you.

 

That's funny, i realized i had wrong thinking too. I didn't consider those were signs of narcissist - lovebombing, planning future too quick (or faking it?), getting exclusive right away and all that grooming - but rather signs of a passionate nature and a real interest in being with me. Women believe it as we think "oh he's so much into me! must be serious for him". Then i was also wondering what happened, where did it all go, like he wanted to win me and then lost that fire.

[John John]

OP - you are not alone. On all accounts, including my own...I am a great all-around guy. Though I of course have my flaws, I am intelligent, educated, successful, very handsome, in shape, have social skills, can make women laugh fairly easily...and yet, I am still single (in my young 30s). I have basically had every possible scenario take place, except for success. I don't know what I have to do. Maybe it really is all dependent on luck and timing (which I guess are the same thing, in the case of dating). I've never felt so lonely and like such a failure. Oh well. It is what it is.

 

At least we aren't alone in this. That provides a sliver of comfort...sometimes. Hopefully 2018 will turn things around for us...

[musicman777]

Yes! I have been at this crap at 2005! Ive tried Friends Reunited Dating, Match, EHarmony, Badoo, Meetups, City Socialising, I ve done one Speed Dating event, asked strangers out, work colleagues. Nothing! Zilch. Ive had countless dates. A lot leads to a second date but after that its dark territory. I find people who use the net seem to think theres something better out there. The Grass is Greener syndrome.

 

Its like people dont want relationships anymore and its like they can just go back online to find someone else but I find a lot of people have history or baggage.

 

Im fed up of the flirting, the getting to know you stage and then they disappear. Ive never had women fade on me. Not sure if its a guys thing but women tend to make desicions and thats it. I was never consulted they just dump me. Ive been dumped by text, and by email. Its horrible.

 

Man, you invented a new term, the "grass is greener syndrome", I love that. Couldn't be more true. I feel the same as you; I'm tired of flirting and things. I'm just so unenthusiastic about the subject any more. Why date me, when you can go on match.com and find 15 other men who initiate contact with you that have grade A salaries, are over 6'2, and fit all your physical appearance factors? I feel like I'm at such a disadvantage.

 

I'm so sorry you been at this for so long. I think the world has truly changed, especially just over the past 30~ years. Decades ago, people didn't have cell phones, apps, internet, and all this other stuff to find people. There wasn't dozens of men hording women, giving them constant attention, making this uneven playing field. And the numbers are really there; most of the sites, men outnumber the women 10 to 1. There's more men than women on planet Earth, as a matter of fac.

 

OP - you are not alone. On all accounts, including my own...I am a great all-around guy. Though I of course have my flaws, I am intelligent, educated, successful, very handsome, in shape, have social skills, can make women laugh fairly easily...and yet, I am still single (in my young 30s). I have basically had every possible scenario take place, except for success. I don't know what I have to do. Maybe it really is all dependent on luck and timing (which I guess are the same thing, in the case of dating). I've never felt so lonely and like such a failure. Oh well. It is what it is.

 

I felt the same as you as well at times. I felt like a failure, and at one point even felt like suicide was the only way out. I felt like what purpose do I have in life, why do I do anything I do just to live a life of lonliness? I still feel like that sometimes.

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you been at this for so long. I think the world has truly changed, especially just over the past 30~ years. Decades ago, people didn't have cell phones, apps, internet, and all this other stuff to find people. There wasn't dozens of men hording women, giving them constant attention, making this uneven playing field. And the numbers are really there; most of the sites, men outnumber the women 10 to 1. There's more men than women on planet Earth, as a matter of fac.

 

I dated from 1978-2005. I don't think it changed in any truly meaningful way -I did personal ads, I didn't have a cell phone while I was dating (but I had email and IMing from home), I did online dating sites, set ups, parties, singles events, social events. I think the ways people meet now might have changed but it's self-selective -if you want a potentially serious relationship with all your heart, then it won't matter if it's like a candy store. If you want to casually date, you have more to choose from -easier to choose from many people but in the 80s those same people were on the landline dating phone services (I never did one but I know of people who did) - or trolling the bars every night if they wanted just casual dating, casual sex or a combo (i.e. with no interest in something serious).

 

There were dozens of men hoarding women in bars and clubs. I was there. If you're the type who likes that sort of attention, you went to the clubs and now if you like that sort of attention and think that internet attention will suffice, you go on line.

 

Is there a difference -yes. Not a truly intense one as you say, IMO.

[mandeelove]

The main difference is people are less focused on their partner. Theres more temptation at the fingertips. More grass in greener syndrome. Back in the day a person had to get dressed and go out to cheat. Maybe even buy a few drinks. Now you can go online and cheat by just sexting. Not even leaving the house. With social media and dating sites, people become replaceable. Theres no cool off perod. They jump right on the sites whether they knew you for 2 months or 2 years. People forget people. Also if you have a not so happy relationship and sign into facebook, u see other couples posting pics and in love. Its alot of pressure on relationships. Then of course the countless fights about liking or commenting same sex pictures. Theres private message, and so many apps aimed at keeping convos private. Snapchat for one. The convos disappear! The time we live in for dating is very bad. Finding a person is not the issue but keeping them is . Of course you need trust and all these things like years ago but you need ALOT of trust. Noone seems to want to settle down or put effort. They seem lazy. I think the sites have done it. Ive had men who wont even drive 10-15 miles to take a girl out. Back even 10 years ago guys were still acting like they had to work hard for a girl to like them. Now they dont care. I see a big change for sure!

[Batya33]

The main difference is people are less focused on their partner. Theres more temptation at the fingertips. More grass in greener syndrome. Back in the day a person had to get dressed and go out to cheat. Maybe even buy a few drinks. Now you can go online and cheat by just sexting. Not even leaving the house. With social media and dating sites, people become replaceable. Theres no cool off perod. They jump right on the sites whether they knew you for 2 months or 2 years. People forget people. Also if you have a not so happy relationship and sign into facebook, u see other couples posting pics and in love. Its alot of pressure on relationships. Then of course the countless fights about liking or commenting same sex pictures. Theres private message, and so many apps aimed at keeping convos private. Snapchat for one. The convos disappear! The time we live in for dating is very bad. Finding a person is not the issue but keeping them is . Of course you need trust and all these things like years ago but you need ALOT of trust. Noone seems to want to settle down or put effort. They seem lazy. I think the sites have done it. Ive had men who wont even drive 10-15 miles to take a girl out. Back even 10 years ago guys were still acting like they had to work hard for a girl to like them. Now they dont care. I see a big change for sure!

 

Yes, for people who are susceptible to that. When I found the right person for me I knew about all the other options out there and I was really really good at meeting people through on line sites and often enjoyed it. And when I found the right person it didn't matter how easy it would be, it didn't matter how I knew just from the existence of all these dating apps and Facebook that there "could" be someone "even better" for me -of course technically there could - I hadn't dated every man on the planet, only half. But when you find the right person that whole grass is greener and temptation and all of that goes out the window even if it's easier. It's just completely irrelevant. You feel done with looking and done in a good way not in a settling way.

 

Over the years I've been contacted by exes because it was easier for them to do so via email or Facebook or Linked in. Meaning I don't think they would have actually called me and tried to talk to me. So it's easier. But if you're in a committed relationship and want to be there then it won't matter at all if you get contacted more often by exes as opposed to pre-internet. And sure not all the contacts were inappropriate at all - just making the point that easier access doesn't increase temptation for those who are committed to their partners.

[catfeeder]

You can bum yourself out, or you can build yourself UP.

 

It's a decision.