I can't stop being so paranoid and its killing me

[Joanna91]

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half and I have serious trust issues from previous relationships. He isn't very good at showing me he loves me and thinks just saying it now and again is enough. He has done a few things to give me further reason not to trust him but deep down I honestly don't think he would ever cheat on me but at the same time I get so anxious incase he does. Whenever we have a silly argument regardless of who's fault it is, he always says we should just call it a day and never tries to make up with me but then if we go a few days not speaking if I call him he always says he has missed me. He is out tonight with work friends and I am so anxious I'm shaking. Im waiting on him texting me to ask me to go pick him up as arranged but just have this such sick feeling that won't go away incase I find out he has done something that would hurt me. I wish I could just try and be normal and trust him even just for a month or 2 to see if it made things improve with us and if he seen that I was being better maybe he would try and make more of an effort. I just wish I didn't feel like this and knew how to make it go away.

[limichelle]

Hi OP,

 

you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who makes you doubt their every intention or move. Trust is one of the most important ingredients to a healthy relationship. If he has given you indication not to trust in the past, why stay?

 

You are just making yourself miserable and that's no way to live or be with someone.

 

Lisa

[Joanna91]

That is what all of my friends say to me but I worry that its my own fault he treats me like this due to me not trusting him from very early on. I just keep feeling like if I try and be a better girlfriend and trust him without bringing things up and causing arguments over things that happened in the past maybe we could go back to being happy. I don't know how I will ever get over him which is weird because I've had much longer relationships than this. We have almost the exact same personality apart from I regularly show him I love him and would never give him a reason not to trust me. He had a bad relationship with the mother of his children where she mistreated him and now I sometimes feel like he is treating me the way she treated him and I just wonder if there is anything I can do to try and make him see how good things could be with us if we both make the effort.

I feel so sick right now, wondering how his night is going and what he is doing and if he is even with who he says he is with. I'm worried that when I go to pick him up later I will cause an argument over nothing and make him hate me and want to split up with me because I just can't seem to stop being so paranoid, jealous and insecure.

As I've been cheated on in the past I constantly worry that if he does do it to me that will be the end of relationships for me as I could never even try and trust a man again if I was to be cheated on again.

[Joanna91]

I sometime feel like he doesn't want to be with me but he doesn't want me to move on and be with anyone else. Not that I want to be with anyone else, I feel like if it doesn't work with him ill never be with anyone again.

[Birdie]

What did he do in the past to make you not trust him?

[Joanna91]

What did he do in the past to make you not trust him?

 

He's just always so quick when we fall out to say lets split up rather than lets talk about and resolve what caused the argument. There has been a couple of times where we have had a silly argument and the very next day he has been on a dating site, or been looking up an ex on Facebook. A couple of months ago I found a video on his laptop of him having sex with someone from years ago and although it was from before me and I turned it off as soon as I realised what it was it truly broke my heart to see it. I believe him when he said he thought he had deleted it long ago but it still really hurt and I'm finding it hard to get over. I don't even know why I put myself through being with someone who deep down probably doesn't want to be with me and who I have to do all the running about to try and fix things with but I just don't want to be without him.

I'm sitting in tears just now wondering why when he knows I'm so insecure he hasn't even text me back when I've asked if he's having a good time with his friends. He hasn't been on WhatsApp or Facebook in hours either which really isn't like him even when he is out, it makes me think that he is maybe with another woman and doesn't want to bring his phone out infant of her to answer my text incase she sees. I really want to call him but I don't want to embarrass him if he is just with his friends by being the crazy girlfriend. I just wanted us to have a nice Christmas together and for me to be better so we can be happy.

[Wiseman2]

Don't pursue him so hard or cling so tightly. Let him miss you sometimes. Never be his chauffeur when he's out with friends, let one of them give him a lift. In fact you should be out with your friends more. Stop acting as if you are a servant to him. It's a turn off. .

He is out tonight with work friends and I am so anxious I'm shaking. Im waiting on him texting me to ask me to go pick him up as arranged

[boltnrun]

This is the worst kind of relationship to be in when you have anxiety.

[Joanna91]

Don't pursue him so hard or cling so tightly. Let him miss you sometimes. Never be his chauffeur when he's out with friends, let one of them give him a lift. In fact you should be out with your friends more. Stop acting as if you are a servant to him. It's a turn off. .

 

I've tried this in the past and when I try and not be so clingy etc then he asks me why I don't care anymore.

[boltnrun]

I've tried this in the past and when I try and not be so clingy etc then he asks me why I don't care anymore.

 

So he enjoys watching you have anxiety attacks.

 

Again, this relationship is a bad one for someone with anxiety.

 

Look, he likes being the cause of your anxiety. Like my signature line says, the cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain.

[Joanna91]

So he enjoys watching you have anxiety attacks.

 

Again, this relationship is a bad one for someone with anxiety.

 

Look, he likes being the cause of your anxiety. Like my signature line says, the cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain.

 

I know I just wish I could see how it would be without me being this anxious and see if it made things any better, just so I would know its not all my fault.

[Wiseman2]

Why allow yourself to be manipulated like this? Be a gf with her own life. Don't be his fan.

when I try and not be so clingy etc then he asks me why I don't care anymore.

[Joanna91]

Why allow yourself to be manipulated like this? Be a gf with her own life. Don't be his fan.

 

if it was that easy I would already be doing that lol

[boltnrun]

if it was that easy I would already be doing that lol

 

So we should only do things that are easy?

 

Wouldn't doing the work to have a life and a relationship without anxiety be "easy"? Or at least easier?

[thorough]

He's just always so quick when we fall out to say lets split up rather than lets talk about and resolve what caused the argument. There has been a couple of times where we have had a silly argument and the very next day he has been on a dating site, or been looking up an ex on Facebook. A couple of months ago I found a video on his laptop of him having sex with someone from years ago and although it was from before me and I turned it off as soon as I realised what it was it truly broke my heart to see it. I believe him when he said he thought he had deleted it long ago but it still really hurt and I'm finding it hard to get over. I don't even know why I put myself through being with someone who deep down probably doesn't want to be with me and who I have to do all the running about to try and fix things with but I just don't want to be without him.

I'm sitting in tears just now wondering why when he knows I'm so insecure he hasn't even text me back when I've asked if he's having a good time with his friends. He hasn't been on WhatsApp or Facebook in hours either which really isn't like him even when he is out, it makes me think that he is maybe with another woman and doesn't want to bring his phone out infant of her to answer my text incase she sees. I really want to call him but I don't want to embarrass him if he is just with his friends by being the crazy girlfriend. I just wanted us to have a nice Christmas together and for me to be better so we can be happy.

 

It doesn't sound like he cares for you. I always thought I overanalyzed, but I eventually realized when I have had a lot of anxiety constantly, that was my gut telling me that the guy didn't care about me.

[reinventmyself]

He's just always so quick when we fall out to say lets split up rather than lets talk about and resolve what caused the argument. There has been a couple of times where we have had a silly argument and the very next day he has been on a dating site, or been looking up an ex on Facebook. A couple of months ago I found a video on his laptop of him having sex with someone from years ago and although it was from before me and I turned it off as soon as I realised what it was it truly broke my heart to see it. I believe him when he said he thought he had deleted it long ago but it still really hurt and I'm finding it hard to get over. .

It sounds like he knows how to push your buttons. Any slight disagreement and he threatens to leave or abandon you. It causes you to compromise yourself and chase after him.

I had someone do this to me once. He always pulled the `break up card' over every little thing. I finally told him the next time he did, I would hold him to it. I knew he never had the intention of leaving. He was just being manipulative.

It backfired on him. I warned him and he did it again . . and I held him to it and broke up with him.

He was really upset. . which proved my point.

 

Do not chase this guy. Any one who is willing to risk losing you so easily isn't worth the time and trouble.

Anyone who isn't willing to stand beside you and work through an issue like an mature adult is not a someone you want to be with.

Anyone that causes this much anxiety is toxic.

[Joanna91]

It sounds like he knows how to push your buttons. Any slight disagreement and he threatens to leave or abandon you. It causes you to compromise yourself and chase after him.

I had someone do this to me once. He always pulled the `break up card' over every little thing. I finally told him the next time he did, I would hold him to it. I knew he never had the intention of leaving. He was just being manipulative.

It backfired on him. I warned him and he did it again . . and I held him to it and broke up with him.

He was really upset. . which proved my point.

 

Do not chase this guy. Any one who is willing to risk losing you so easily isn't worth the time and trouble.

Anyone who isn't willing to stand beside you and work through an issue like an mature adult is not a someone you want to be with.

Anyone that causes this much anxiety is toxic.

 

Thank you. I feel a little better. I still haven't heart from him in regards to picking him up tonight. He didn't even have the decency to give me a rough time so I wasn't sat about waiting all night. Tonight in particular isn't a case of me not trusting him its a case of him just having no respect or decency towards me. I will have to see him tomorrow to collect my things from his house and I don't know how I will be during that as I genuinely dont to lose him but maybe it is just time to let it go.