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I am recently divorced after 20 years of marriage and two kids. My ex-husband had another affair and I ended the marriage (once a mistake, twice a choice). He had an affair with a woman at work and both her husband and I found out at the same time (a coworker told us). Him and I have been talking and comparing 'stories' over the past few months to work through timelines, etc. since neither of our spouses told us the truth. I ended my marriage legally and he is ending his and has moved out, just more complicated assets, etc. to finalize. Now time has gone by and we will still talk everyday and as time goes own our conversations are less about the ex's and more about our lives. He would like to become more than friends and we both agree neither one wants to start dating or enter another relationship due to work, kids, life, and him still being legally married. We have only met once in person when we were both married to our partners at a work event, our ex's still work together but are no longer together. I just don't know if I can get passed that I would more than friends with my ex-husbands, mistresses, husband? It seems crazy!

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It’s natural you feel so close to this person as only he really understands the pain you have went through . Anyone else can empathize or say the right thing but he truely knows so you have bonded at a deep level because of that . However don’t confuse this with all the other stuff and liking him to want to get into a relationship. What I am trying to say is that it is all confused into one at the moment . So you might need time to truely know if you would like to be with him or not . In the end you are both single so it’s not like you are doing anything awfully wrong if you do get with him but that is just my thoughts based on the little info you gave given . PS I know your post wasn’t about your marriage breakup but I admire anyone who has cane out the other side of something like this after spending such a long period of your life together

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It worked for Shania Twain, but anyway, this is what I would do. You and your children need to get used to a new way of life, free from interference from another entanglement. Your kids need your full focus right now, and you need to mourn the death of your marriage and take time to pamper yourself solo.


It's up to you what you want to tell the guy. Either that you want a year to concentrate on yourself and your kids and will not be communicating with him during this time, and that you will reconnect with him after a year if he's willing at that time, or you could tell him you're not ready to enter into a new relationship and wish him well.


When you get distance from the relationship, you might decide you don't want a reminder of the extramarital affair, since his ex will be closer in proximity to your life if you start a relationship with him, i.e. if his kid got married, you would have to see his ex at the wedding, etc.


I'm sorry you were betrayed by your husband. I hope you find a good companion in the future.

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That's who did it! Shania Twain.





OPer this part stood out to me.



He would like to become more than friends and we both agree neither one wants to start dating or enter another relationship due to work, kids, life, and him still being legally married.


Sounds like he's suggesting a friends with benefits situation. He wants to be more than friends but you 'both' agreed neither one wants to date or be in a relationship, so that leaves casual sex.


If that's the case I would steer clear from him. I would anyway simply because of the timing, but, I don't know, I get the vibe he picked you because you're in a vulnerable state and he has the easiest access to you. You're already divorced after 10 years but he can't seem to and he's the one bringing up being 'more than friends, but less than dating'? Red flag!!! Don't think just because she cheated on him, he's the angel of the relationship. You have no idea what their marriage was.


I think just from the way he's acting, he's gonna be a non starter.

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My personal experince here and this happened 14-15 years ago. When I found out that my ex wife was screwing around on me I found the guy met him in town one night, blah blah blah we are guys you figure out the rest. Then his wife tracked me down and caught me between trips, told me next time I was in town to get up with her. So I did, and it's was a grudge screw, nothing else. Few months later we started doing the deed pretty regular fwb kind of thing. Most likley that's what's going through his mind. The whole "my wife is screwing your husband so I'm going to screw his wife". While that may be a main factor keep in mind y'all are going through the same thing, and here again personal experince, same woman same situation, all though we were grudge f'n, we would also call each other at night when either of us were having a hard time and we helped each other get through the hardest part of it. Kind of like that old saying about how everyone is there for a reason, season, or a lifetime

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