The rejection text 😔

[Honeycomb8]

^ I don't understand where the defensive attitude is coming from. He was respectful to text her and obviously they didn't date long enough to warrant a face to face end. Obviously they weren't exclusive, so it's not like they dated for half a year and he dumped her over text.

 

Lol "not in touch with his feelings"

I really doubt they dated enough to get to that stage. Maybe he didn't feel a click or maybe he decided to proceed with someone else. That doesn't make him a bad person, it just means they weren't meant to be together.

[wom360]

Personally I suspect the ‘no sex’ was an issue. You dated quite a while to not have checked that box. And no guy wants to go into a sexless situation.

[Clio]

^The OP wrote somewhere that they didn't have full on sex but they spend the night together and stuff did happen which I interpreted as fooling around. l find fooling around and then dropping out by text distasteful. By 'feelings' I meant the lack of it in his case.

[katrina1980]

^The op wrote somewhere that they didn't have full on sex but stuff did happen which I interpreted as fooling around. l find fooling around and then dropping out by text distasteful. By feelings I meant the lack of it in his case.

 

So Clio, your issue is that he ended it by text rather than in person?

 

Because surely you can't fault a man (or woman for that matter) for changing their mind, or feeling some level of ambivalence/uncertainty, especially in early stages.

 

It's not uncommon you know; I have experienced it in early stages and so have men I ended up having long term relationships with. Like years.

 

Not suggesting you have to tolerate it, but to suggest he was "stringing her along only to drop her" like he's some DB is a bit over the top in my opinion.

 

"The road to true love never does run smooth."

-William Shakespeare

[Honeycomb8]

Personally I suspect the ‘no sex’ was an issue. You dated quite a while to not have checked that box. And no guy wants to go into a sexless situation.

 

I've never slept with anyone I wasn't in a relationship with. No guy I've come across had an issue with that. Even if they were used to sex straight away or within one or two weeks, they'd be prepared to wait at least a couple of months for us to get intimate. I think if a guy truly liked you, they'd be willing to wait.

[Batya33]

I've never slept with anyone I wasn't in a relationship with. No guy I've come across had an issue with that. Even if they were used to sex straight away or within one or two weeks, they'd be prepared to wait at least a couple of months for us to get intimate. I think if a guy truly liked you, they'd be willing to wait.

 

Always how it worked for me.

[Honeycomb8]

So Clio, your issue is that he ended it by text rather than in person?

 

Because surely you can't fault a man (or woman for that matter) for changing their mind, or feeling some level of ambivalence/uncertainty, especially in early stages.

 

It's not uncommon you know, I have experienced it and so have men I've had long term relationships with.

 

Exactly, people are free to change their minds. And sex doesn't equal getting serious.

 

That's why I've dated some guys for many months and haven't had sex lol. Sometimes it's best to wait it out.

[Clio]

So Clio, your issue is that he ended it by text rather than in person?

 

Because surely you can't fault a man (or woman for that matter) for changing their mind, or feeling some level of ambivalence/uncertainty, especially in early stages.

 

It's not uncommon you know, I have experienced it and so have men I've had long term relationships with.

 

Call me old fashioned but I find dropping someone by text after getting physical with them (I am referring to proper dating, not ons) distasteful not 'lovely'. As for doing it to end a (non abusive) LTR I find that cowardly and disrespectful. Imo, the fact that something is not uncommon doesn't make it right. I feel that she is seeing him through rose coloured glasses. He wasn't necessarily a DB but I would not call him "lovely" either. If in fact they didn't get physical then my mistake.

[katrina1980]

Call me old fashioned but I find dropping someone by text after getting physical with them (I am referring to proper dating, not ons) distasteful not 'lovely'. As for doing it to end a (non abusive) LTR I find that cowardly and disrespectful. Imo, the fact that something is not uncommon doesn't make it right.

 

No bf I ever had LTR with ever ended it by text. I agree I would find that disrespectful and appalling.

 

I think you may have misunderstood my post though.

 

I was talking about feeling some ambivalence/uncertainty in early stages.

 

I have and men I ended up having LTRs with have, in early stages.

 

It's not uncommon for that to happen sometimes.

 

It's just a stage. (Read John Gray as I suggested to OP earlier). He describes the different stages leading to commitment very well in my opinion.

 

The 'uncertainty stage" is stage two, right before "exclusivity" which is stage three.

 

Not saying that is what happened here but it's something to consider.

[spainman_88]

Hey OP, I don't really have any idea about what might have happened, but I'm a guy and just experienced something very similar from a woman who I felt I had a great connection with. I have a thread in this same forum describing the situation. It sucks, but you're not alone in experiencing it. I'm struggling to understand why this woman I felt that I had a great connection with all of a sudden decided it wasn't there. I'm left wondering the same thing as you.

 

So... no answer, but empathy for your situation.

[Clio]

No bf I ever had LTR with ever ended it by text. I agree I would find that disrespectful and appalling.

 

I think you may have misunderstood my post though.

 

I was talking about feeling some ambivalence/uncertainty in early stages.

 

I have and men I ended up having LTRs with have, in early stages.

 

It's not uncommon for that to happen sometimes.

 

It's just a stage. (Read John Gray as I suggested to OP earlier). He describes the different stages leading to commitment very well in my opinion.

 

The 'uncertainty stage" is stage two, right before "exclusivity" which is stage three.

 

Not saying that is what happened here but it's something to consider.

 

I have read a couple of John Gray's books in the past. While I find them interesting, I find the "He is just not that into you" book logic more practical once one has been dropped. If she is idealising someone who was "just not that into her", the OP is not doing herself any favors imo.

[katrina1980]

I have read a couple of John Gray's books in the past. While I find them interesting, I find the "He is just not that into you" book logic more practical once one has been dropped. If she is idealising someone who was "just not that into her", the OP is not doing herself any favors imo.

 

Keep in mind that "He's not that into you" book was written by two comedians (I know at least one is) with zero education in psychology or counseling experience, wanting to make a few bucks.

 

Which they did!

 

Many men consider much of their advice for women manipulation and game-playing. And just not true for them.

 

Much the same as that "The Rules" book for women.

 

John Gray is a reputable family and relationship counselor/therapist/author, a member of the American Counseling Association and International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors.

 

He does not provide a bunch of "how to" advice, but rather discusses the different natures of men and women, our different polarities, yin and yang. How to better understand each other so as to have a healthy happy mutually-loving and rewarding RL.

 

Can't speak for you or anyone else, but I place a much higher value on those types of books/authors rather than books written by comedians looking to make a big buck.

 

It was an entertaining read though, I'll give them that. lol

[marshmallow107]

Personally I suspect the ‘no sex’ was an issue. You dated quite a while to not have checked that box. And no guy wants to go into a sexless situation.

 

Hey all, thank you for all the comments and advice. It's been thought provoking reading through them!

 

No...we didn't go all the way. But there was definitely a spark, passion and excitement. As I said earlier, we spent the night together, and although 'that' didn't happen, we fooled around and he wasn't exactly in a rush to leave the next day. It was definitely heading in that direction. There was definite sexual chemistry.

 

After our last date we went our separate ways purely because we both had early starts the next morning but we stayed out much later than either of us intended to which made me think that neither of us wanted to cut it short.

 

I think that's what I'm struggling to understand.... the fact our last date was so lovely. Usually I would pick up on a signal but I genuinely didn't. He kissed me in the taxi on the way home and then contacted me the next day to see how I was. Things seemed normal and good - and exciting!

 

So how does it go from such a great date to nothing just like that?!

[Batya33]

Hey all, thank you for all the comments and advice. It's been thought provoking reading through them!

 

No...we didn't go all the way. But there was definitely a spark, passion and excitement. As I said earlier, we spent the night together, and although 'that' didn't happen, we fooled around and he wasn't exactly in a rush to leave the next day. It was definitely heading in that direction. There was definite sexual chemistry.

 

After our last date we went our separate ways purely because we both had early starts the next morning but we stayed out much later than either of us intended to which made me think that neither of us wanted to cut it short.

 

I think that's what I'm struggling to understand.... the fact our last date was so lovely. Usually I would pick up on a signal but I genuinely didn't. He kissed me in the taxi on the way home and then contacted me the next day to see how I was. Things seemed normal and good - and exciting!

 

So how does it go from such a great date to nothing just like that?!

 

I always assumed it could go that way - from a realistic perspective, not negative. Until we were exclusive and had been together for months I always assumed the date we were on could be our last for whatever reason under the sun. After exclusivity I had more expectations (and I am talking about exclusivity, not just sexual monogamy) - because we'd talked about our feelings and why we wanted to close off options, because we then had a regular plan to see each other, an understanding.

 

I know it's so hard when it seems to click so well and then, nothing. Had that happen, early on, several times.

[marshmallow107]

I always assumed it could go that way - from a realistic perspective, not negative. Until we were exclusive and had been together for months I always assumed the date we were on could be our last for whatever reason under the sun. After exclusivity I had more expectations (and I am talking about exclusivity, not just sexual monogamy) - because we'd talked about our feelings and why we wanted to close off options, because we then had a regular plan to see each other, an understanding.

 

I know it's so hard when it seems to click so well and then, nothing. Had that happen, early on, several times.

 

It gets so frustrating! I rarely seem to make it past the 2 month mark. It's hard sometimes not to wonder if it is something I'm saying or doing.

 

I felt more chilled out about this one. He put me at ease and made me feel wanted. But I agree, I know that he has every right to say if it's not right for him. I'm not angry with him. I'm just surprised (and disappointed).

[Batya33]

It gets so frustrating! I rarely seem to make it past the 2 month mark. It's hard sometimes not to wonder if it is something I'm saying or doing.

 

I felt more chilled out about this one. He put me at ease and made me feel wanted. But I agree, I know that he has every right to say if it's not right for him. I'm not angry with him. I'm just surprised (and disappointed).

 

Look, it never hurts to reevaluate what you might be doing or not doing - but be gentle on yourself and assume that it's just the kiss a lot of frogs situation.

[fabact]

Don't take it too personally. It may be he met someone else he'd like to pursue. If he sent you a nice text though that is very kind I would definitely thank him for being straight up with you. You can even say you really fancied him but appreciate his honesty. Im always of the mindset of rewarding guys for decent nice behavior since so many people ghost and avoid being upfront when they would not like that have done to them.

[katrina1980]

Don't take it too personally. It may be he met someone else he'd like to pursue. If he sent you a nice text though that is very kind I would definitely thank him for being straight up with you. You can even say you really fancied him but appreciate his honesty. Im always of the mindset of rewarding guys for decent nice behavior since so many people ghost and avoid being upfront when they would not like that have done to them.

 

Please explain how to not take it personally. I'd love to know.

 

You've been dating awhile, he's gotten to know you, seemed to like you, and now he doesn't.

 

Whether he met someone else he liked better than you, became bored by you, discovered something about "you" that turned him off, if that isn't "personal" I don't know what is.

 

That is why rejection hurts so bad; it's a direct hit against us, who we are, our "personal"ities.

 

I used to advise this too, but don't anymore.

 

It may even be beneficial to take it personally sometimes because it gives us an opp to self-reflect and learn about ourselves, discover where we may have gone wrong, done things differently and make improvements for next time.

 

I know I have after getting rejected. I am always learning, growing, evolving.

 

The only time I would agree to not take it personally is when you first meet and/or start dating someone and there is just no "click."

 

He has not had a chance to get to know you, nor you him, there's just no chemistry, so it's no big deal.

 

But after getting to know you and spending a significant amount of time together?

 

And he decides you're not the one for him, after initially thinking you were or could be?

 

Um, yeah I would take that very personally and look within to determine if it was perhaps something I did, did not do, or whatever and look for ways to improve.

 

I know this goes against popular thinking, but I really think that phrase "don't take it personally" is one of those catch-all phrases people toss out to make someone feel better after being rejected.

 

Doesn't mean much when you're hurting.

 

JMO!

[fabact]

It seems from her post that they hadn't gone on that many dates. Idk that's what I read into it. I've dated people several few times but decided they're not for me. It just wasn't a fit. There was nothing 'wrong' with them

[katrina1980]

It seems from her post that they hadn't gone on that many dates. Idk that's what I read into it. I've dated people several few times but decided they're not for me. It just wasn't a fit. There was nothing 'wrong' with them

 

I have too. Gone on several dates and realized not a good "fit."

 

At least that is what I tell them.

 

But what does that really mean?

 

Truth is, I didn't like him! Things about "him" turned me off. If they didn't I would want to proceed forward.

 

I don't determine that by superficial crap like his job, education level, car he drives, how much $$ he makes; it's "him" his nature, his personality. Not for me.

 

Same for him; after a few dates, after he's spent some time and gotten to know me, my nature, my personality, he decides I am not a good "fit," what he's really saying is he doesn't like me, my nature, my personality, enough to pursue further.

 

I don't know, I'm just trying to get more honest in dating and not hide behind cliches and catch-all phrases to make folks or myself feel better after getting rejected.

 

Rejection hurts!! Period.

 

But it's okay, it's good for the soul, and as I said gives us opp to look within, grow, evolve.

 

Again, has for me anyway, it's all good. I bounce back quickly.

 

If you don't take rejection personally fabact, I respect that, admire that!

 

I just don't think that's true for most people though, which is understandable, in my opinion.

 

ETA: Just wanted to add it doesn't necessarily mean there is something "wrong" with us unless we are *always* getting rejected.

 

But it's always good to look within after every experience in my opinion. Learn and grow.

[Batya33]

I mean -don't take it personally as in nothing personal wrong with you as opposed to not a good match. So, I "rejected' someone I'd been dating for about 6 weeks. Why? Because for my taste he acted too insecure -in an annoying way - and because I met someone who was a better match for me at around the same time (well, re-met, 9 years married in the not too distant future!). I've stayed in casual touch with him for the last dozen years because I think highly of him as a person. And I always thought he was cute and have attempted to set him up with a number of women. But for me personally -it was never going to be a good match romantically.

 

I think we just have different definitions of "personal" and "rejection".

 

Certainly if it's a longer relationship then probably all the more reason to evaluate whether you could have done or not done something differently -but early stages of dating that usually is a time-wasting exercise.

[marshmallow107]

Don't take it too personally. It may be he met someone else he'd like to pursue. If he sent you a nice text though that is very kind I would definitely thank him for being straight up with you. You can even say you really fancied him but appreciate his honesty. Im always of the mindset of rewarding guys for decent nice behavior since so many people ghost and avoid being upfront when they would not like that have done to them.

 

This is exactly how I responded. Made it clear that I was disappointed but that I understood and appreciated the honesty. I've had sooo many men ghost me or avoid the subject that it was actually quite refreshing to have somebody be upfront. Guess I just wish things could have been different.

 

Also, after reading everybody's comments it has made me evaluate stuff. I can't always say this, but there is honestly nothing that I would have changed about the way that I was with him. I was 100% myself (and the best version of myself too!).

 

There have been times in the past when I've reflected and regretted some of the things I've said or done. There are times when men have made me anxious and I've gone a little crazy. There are times when I've sent too many texts or panicked about not hearing back. But this time there was honestly nothing.

 

It's even harder not to take it personally when you've been 100% yourself. It means that there's something in my true personality that didn't click with him. That makes me sad...But on reflection, I'm pretty damn happy with my true self. Often people tell me I'm too nice.... but hey that's who I am. If my true self isn't good enough then there's really nothing I can do about that.

 

If there was something in my personality that he didn't click with... then that's just who I am. Just a shame that I did feel like I clicked with his.

[gijeanie]

Sorry to hear this. I will give him this at least he let you know. People now days ghost people. It has happened to me. It good for him to end things instead of letting you just hang. Even though your disappointed I would have to respect the fact that he gave you closure instead of leaving you in limbo. Maybe you will hear from him one day in the future.

[marshmallow107]

So i just logged back on to a dating site for the first time, and guess who was the first person that came up? Guess that means there wasn't somebody else on the scene...

[Batya33]

So i just logged back on to a dating site for the first time, and guess who was the first person that came up? Guess that means there wasn't somebody else on the scene...

 

It doesn't mean that -he might be logging in to check on someone he's dating.