Over 2 years out, small relapse...

[Pleasedonot5]

Hi ENA friends,

 

I'm going through pain regarding a failed relationship that ended just over 2 years ago now. Man, I cannot believe it's been that long.

 

Long story short, because of the sheer amount of posts I've made about it over the years: I'll summarize it briefly below.

 

Relationship for just under a year (she was aged 21, I was 20 at the time). I had severe mental health problems (anxiety/depression) and had just started SSRI meds, which for me didn't work at all and affected my behavior and libido adversely. We were just starting to struggle with communication a bit. I broke up with her because I needed time to sort life out. She slept with a good friend/colleague of mine within a couple weeks of the break-up, and started frequenting my student organization (which I left soon after I found out my colleague was hooking up with her) instead of giving me the space I'd asked for. I was devastated and angry. Then, a long time passed and a lot of therapy too. I was doing a little better mentally and well professionally (elected student president of university, etc.). I sent a letter to her expressing openness to reconciliation (not soppy), and then found out she was just beginning to date someone else (still is). Haven't spoken since. That was 1.5 years ago.

_________

 

Fast forward to this past summer. I broke it off with a girl I was seeing (though things were alright) as it wasn't going anywhere. I was still hung up on my ex a little (imo hadn't had any time to be fully alone with my pain). I had a several week period of silent anger and loneliness, followed by self-reflection.

 

This allowed me time to focus on myself and not use anyone as a crutch/numbing agent. I've set boundaries for future partners, so that I won't be used or end up in as many situations where people resent me. I've begun chiropractic care, fixed my vision (apparently I needed a "monster" prescription in my right eye, this was causing eye strain and headaches), and I started a low-sugar diet. All of these fixes removed negatives from my life, including chronic neck pain, back pain, headaches, and they far reduced anxiety. I've also added positives: I upgraded my wardrobe and found a great new hairstyle. I joined a ballroom dance club and I'm participating in a collegiate dance competition in November. Isn't that so cool, like I'm competing in a ballroom dance competition at after a fun 2 months of practice. I go out on weekends often now with 2 new groups of friends (ballroom group and another friend group), where before I was only on social media / playing video games all weekend. I have the attention of the opposite sex.

 

Essentially, instead of pursuing rebound relationships and my career perhaps more than taking care of myself, I did all of the things I should have done post-BU 2 years ago. Now, I'm legitimately happy most of the time. I am earning my happiness by filling my days with rewarding social interaction, dancing, and self-progress. This helped me to feel that "I'm over my ex." Weeks/months go by without a single thought of her.

 

Recently, another area where I've learned to focus on is letting myself feel sadness, anxiety, and pain, and then afterwards determine why I was feeling that way -- with the aim of reducing the factor/trigger. With this mindset, I got to thinking -- I ought to remove social media apps from my phone and toxic people on social media/messenger, because these apps/certain people are causing me pain. So I did that a while back with good results. In a similar manner, today I realized, now that I have a little crush on someone else, that I don't know why my ex's pictures are still on my FB profile. I sought to "hide" those pictures today from my Facebook timeline (which I rarely check now, mind you). Going through them and hiding them one by one broke my heart a bit. I then became nostalgic and looked at her profile. Not a ton of activity, but a few nerdy posts, a couple of pictures of her and her sister doing something weird, and an attractive picture or two.

 

She is still so cool, and still so attractive. Ugh. I can't believe I'm still referring to her on this forum after over two years of being over. Obviously it's okay for me to do so, I just wish she wasn't a cause of pain and point of comparison with my new crush. I had her and now it's over, and it's been over for so long.

 

I think I just needed to rant to get that off my chest. I see a counselor even though my life is actually going pretty great right now, and I think that I'm going to talk to her about this too.

 

Support/encouragement is appreciated. Just feeling a little exasperated and bummed out. Thanks, ENA.

PDN5

[ThatwasThen]

Its great that you're building your self esteem by doing all the interesting things you've done and are still doing. Its nice to see your progress.

 

Well done!

[kctiger]

Haven't read your story, but from the short narrative you wrote above, I think you're way too hard on yourself. These fleeting moments of sadness, nostalgia, etc. are completely normal. It's a part of the process man, and all it does is let you know there's some residual feelings. So what? You have so much going for you and all of the activities you are taking up are a testament to your growth and commitment to being a better individual. Don't expect not to have some of these repressed emotions sometimes. But recognize them for what they are, emotions (not weaknesses), acknowledge them, then move on. You are doing all the things I'd recommend doing for anyone who's been through a breakup. Just keep doing you and you're eventually not going to be comparing your ex to any new crushes - and if you do, it'll likely be in a positive sense (like wow this new girl is so much more compatible with me - plus she can ballroom dance like a champ).

[Pleasedonot5]

Thank you, TWT

 

_________

 

kctiger,

 

You're completely right. I ought to practice what I preach and just let myself feel this pain for a while. Then get back on track... no slowing the progress train.

 

Also, true, my ex doesn't ballroom dance! Maybe through my new hobby I'll find someone who can. ;P

[DancingFool]

Can't really add much more to what kctiger already said. Cut yourself some slack. I mean it's not like this nostalgia hit you out of the blue. You were going through photos after all. It's only natural that you are going to look and reminisce, whether you like it or not. Anyway, you are doing what you need to be doing to be happy and move forward, so keep on at it. Just understand that the road forward is not just a smooth incline. You are going to have some varied terrain on the way, some dips and turns, and that's normal. The only thing that you don't want to do is stop walking forward.