Blindsided

[ninjasmt]

Just need to get this off my mind. I'll try to keep it short. A few months ago proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years and she said yes. Were both late 20's early thirty's and no kids. Everything was rosy, sunshine and rainbows. Then I got deployed, which we have known and prepared for as a couple. We were confident and excited about the future, and looked forward to my return. We were planning a road trip, yada yada. Not two months into this 9 month deployment she hit me out of left field. All of a sudden she decided that she does indeed want kids and broke up with me via text message. I was always clear on the fact that I never wanted kids.

 

I never led her to believe at the slightest thought of kids. Ever. Just a minute ago she was excited about us and then a minute later...gone. . Needless to say I was shocked. I never realized that she wanted kids. Later she told me that she did tell me but I don't remember this. She never sat me down and said seriously "hey babe I really want kids what do you think" and I never made such promises. She might have hinted at it but never anything serious so I didn't pick up on it. It's not my fault because I told her from the beginning that I didn't want kids. I have been consistent.

 

Now, I am currently on deployment and we have an apartment together and she has hold of my things... because ya know we were engaged and I absolutely trusted her (Not so much anymore). I have been trying to keep things on friendly terms and we have been texting but I am finding it difficult to hold back my shock, frustration and anger. I feel like I've been abandoned, stuck over here with no control to take care of things that normal people take care of during a breakup IE gather my and move out. She has said that she will keep things as they are until I am back but she has decided to move on. Why all of the sudden? She had to do this 2 months into a deployment? What to ya'll think about this :suspicion:

[Helpmesavethis]

I was adamant the first 29 years of my life about not having children... Then... Changed my mind too.. thankfully my husband at the time was very open to it. I have one daughter now who is 7.. I have been saying I'm done and do not want anymore... And I feel that way most of the time but then again, with my ex, if he wanted one, I know I would have had another in a heartbeat.. I felt a connection that made me want to share that with him. I haven't had that with anyone else. It happens, people change their minds... Maybe she was saying she didn't want any since you didn't.. and now that you're gone it's easier for her to tell you she does... ?!?! I'm sure it's extra hard being overseas etc but just my thoughts from sort of being in her shoes.. I do not agree with how she handled it... Cowardly...

[ninjasmt]

Thank you for the reply. I'm 31 and have had zero desire for kids. Glad you found your happiness though. It's especially hard being over here bc I cant really talk to her. She's just decided to end it and I am in shock.

[Mikey383]

I feel you.

I deployed several times also and seen situations like yours, and have been in a situation like yours during one deployment.

 

1. She found an easy way out. Probably was planning it for a while now, and found the deployment as a good time to do it. She does not understand your stress, and daily life of the deployment. She has no clue. She is selfish and all about herself.

 

2. Is anyone back at home station that can help you with your items and put them into storage?

 

3. Anyone that can mediate (OMBUDSMAN) of some sort that many units have or folks at the family care center?

That way you can be signed off the rent bill and other utility bills, have your things moved to a storage, and she can pay those bills on her own......

 

I had that happen to me before and folks at my unit that stayed back bailed me out of a similar mess.

 

Once I came back, I sorted the rest on my own, but by then I was emotionally healed... The deployment itself is a forceful cage in order to help you heal, cuz you are forced to be there.... There is no way you can come home and solve this.... And perhaps that is better for you to heal.

[Clio]

Why all of the sudden? She had to do this 2 months into a deployment? What to ya'll think about this

 

This was not really all of a sudden. It just appears that way to you because you lacked vital inside information. What you experienced was probably the end result of a long drawn internal process. Dumpers do this all the time. At some point she changed her heart regarding kids (it happens) but was not direct about it. She was probably ambivalent about what to do about this change of heart, she is definitely a very bad communicator/conflict avoidant/coward (hence the text break up), you probably did miss certain signs/hints along the way and at some point the scales tipped the other way, distance also making things deteriorate further. Boom. Break up. Some dumpers have the worst of timing. That is because they pull the plug when it is convenient for them regardless of how/what the dumper is going through. Once they decide to break up, all bets are off. They are now an individual not part of a couple (once they have decided to break up, they no longer feel any obligation to take the other's situation into consideration - it become an "it's every man for himself" type of thing for them) hence they pick the timing that suits THEM best. Unfortunately, that happened to be the worse timing for you. The timing was random though. She probably did not pick it up in purpose.

 

As hard as it is, you need to make sure that you do not take the way she ended things personally / as any reflection on you. This was all about her being a coward, immature and a crappy communicator. Having experienced something similar, what I learned was that people who do text message break ups are no real loss. Life is hard. A coward who can't handle conflict has zero value as a partner for you. I am very sorry that this happened to you. It WILL get better in time. Once you heal, you will realize that you lost nobody special. As for your things, if you feel that it is something that can't wait, you could consider some alternatives like sending some friend or family member to pick them up or pay the cost to have them delivered to your family or some storage unit until you go back. The timing was indeed bad. But then again, break ups are ugly no matter the circumstances. Try not to over-analyse how/when she did it. The really important information is the actual break up. It means that you were no longer compatible. And she turned out to be a coward on top of it, so it IS for the best. Imagine this happening after being married and having invested more years, money / combined your assets. It would have been ten times complicated. Better sooner than later... Bullet dodged. Good luck with your healing.

[MissCanuck]

Unfortunately, the old cliche is worth asking: Any chance she has met someone else?

[Clio]

Unfortunately, the old cliche is worth asking: Any chance she has met someone else?

 

Imo, there is zero value in going down that road of thought / trying to find out. Even if that was the case, that person would have just been a catalyst, not the real cause of the break up. The relationship and her were all wrong for the OP (kids becoming a deal breaker, conflict avoidance, poor communication skills) and that was the real problem.

[MissCanuck]

Imo, there is zero value in going down that road of thought / trying to find out. Even if that was the case, that person would have just been a catalyst, not the real cause of the break up. The relationship and her were all wrong for the OP (kids becoming a deal breaker, conflict avoidance, poor communication skills) and that was the real problem.

 

I respectfully disagree, speaking from experience.

[RainyCoast]

people change their minds. especially people her age, about never having children. it's not a whimsical change of heart as much as a genuine and natural process of simply coming to see what one wants to do with their life that's often brought about by either their recent gains or losses and how they experience them.

 

if she hinted at wanting children, i don't think this was unexpected. people won't always articulate what's really bugging them, but it's usually "heard" quite clearly in what momentarily surfaces in their diction, or what is persistently left out of it as if it were an unspeakable curse word. and children, having or not having them, are a huge subject for most people, so any hints regarding that i think are wise to be taken seriously, although i see why you wouldn't give much thought to half-comments, and that it's too late to think of them now.

 

on a personal level, i can completely understand the most shattering thing about her having kept some doubt always alive and always left not communicated with complete honesty is suddenly having trust pulled from under you like a rug. But it's also true people have reasons other than malice or disrespect or fickleness or anything like that for keeping doubts to themselves, often including a fear of losing you, or even reservations related to some moment their trust in you was compromised, and sometimes a sense of shame or failure, and it doesn't really do either justice to look for somewhere to place "blame", as much as it does to write it down to being human.

 

In general, i find it useful to just be attuned enough to spot when others are choking on whatever the problem is and be conscious of it without demanding the disclosure that you're often not going to get, at least not before they're done, and then maybe, half of it or less... You may wait for people to speak of it, growing either increasingly disappointed or appeased by the fact they won't, and it doesn't mean it's necessary to demand they say anything just because that would be fair or nice- it means you carry equal responsibility to not allow yourself to be in denial over something they're obviously repressing. Often something comes up, at least momentarily, early on that's going to be a problem, and from there on to the end, it's just a lot of denial on the part of one or both to keep a fantasy going until push comes to shove and someone needs to spit it out this no children thing can't work for them. (push coming to shove will, almost humorously and unfailingly mean a situation that is either highly convenient to admitting having doubts, or highly inconvenient to making permanent decisions as if one didn't have doubts). I'm sure if you think back on personal and vicarious experience, there were usually instances of some kind of "censored content" early on that was the same thing that ended the relationship when it did.

 

i think it's also not surprising it came up now. you probably felt great together and it could've lulled her into honestly believing you can have a great future. the better it felt being a team with you, the worse it must've felt having you absent i'd venture to guess, and snowballed into thoughts of the reality of signing up to the military lifestyle forever- and, as if it weren't difficult enough having a husband often absent, also resigning herself to not having a family. it must've felt like a very isolating disillusionment all of a sudden.

 

i understand you're angry now. one, for having this "done to you" when you can't even be there as a participant in what's happening to you. the lack of a sense of control and power over what one experiences will usually be compensated for almost involuntarily as anger, because that feels close to "power", or "fighting back", or "exerting influence", until you stop to think and admit it only makes you less in control over your own experience. and two because anyone who felt certain and genuinely very happy and appreciative about their relationship had felt so because there being no limit to trust placed in the other takes away the inhibitions that otherwise wouldn't allow for a fully satisfying relationship. To have it shattered, feels like having been tricked into enjoying a lie with one's most innocent enthusiasm. I doubt that was what she intended.

 

Regarding the first, consider that you still make all the choices about your own life, including how you're going to perceive this and let it affect you, and that you wouldn't have felt, or realistically been, in any more control were you there and then when she decided she was done. it would've made you feel equally helpless. your stuff in her apartment isn't what's causing you that feeling (send someone to pick it up btw?).

Regarding the second, while nothing in life is promised, and your best best is to be able to trust in yourself, there are people and experiences waiting out there that won't be disappointing, and certainly, people who will have more clarity about what they want or are able to have in a partnership.

 

at her age, i don't think it needs to entail anything contriving on her part to come to the decision about wanting a family. I also don't think it necessarily entails anything contriving to take three years mulling it over-- but i agree with you postponing the discussion for that long was neither reasonable nor fair to you. again why i think it's not a bad idea to hear and see what people don't voluntarily disclose, but don't hide worth a tinker's dam either. you knew she wasn't 100% certain about it, and owed it to yourself to be fair to you both too and had equal choice to bring up the discussion, or decide one wasn't needed as she simply wasn't as sure about being childless as to be held to the expectation to remain so.

 

forgive the both of you because you were young and hopeful and enthusiastic enough to believe it wasn't a closed avenue.

 

one thing i feel bad saying as you're not in a good place as it is, is there is prhaps more to the story. when someone just says matter of factly they're moving on, conveniently when that involves someone being physically removed, and back it up by something that had been reason enough to move on three years ago, i'd say they either had that planned a while ago, or something tipped the scale for them they're not telling you about. you know her better than a forum does, and probably know whether she really took the deployment so hard as to finally bring about admitting she wants a different life, or whether there was something that seemed like a chance at one when you weren't there. I disagree that the thought is a pointless one to entertain now. If, with your inside knowledge of this relationship, and her as a person, you think there's grounds to believe there being more to it, then the painful awareness of that may make you sharper in detecting another's emotional availability and readiness for a lasting relationship, your own propensity for blinding yourself to another's poorly communicated but no less present wants, your likelihood to remain in denial about things that could end something you hold very dear, and it could make you so aware of the amount of trust you legitimately require in another that you'll make sure to call it off gracefully next time you notice someone can't or won't admit to not being as certain as you need them to be. it's probably double as painful to think there was more than the children thing involved, but if there's trust and abandonment issues surfacing to face as you mention, i guess you might as well go all the way.

[DancingFool]

Children or no children is not a small matter. It's a huge deal. I also think that as people get engaged and the reality of the commitment hits them between the eyes, they are much more liable to put away all bs and actually think for real, long and hard if this is something that's going to work out or not. I think it would be good for you recognize that so you don't allow yourself to get sidetracked with some kind of bs of "gosh there must be someone else." To have or not have children is NOT a trivial matter and yes, women are hardwired to want children. Even something so simple as passing by a park where kids are playing could have hit her broadside - she will never have that and she realized that she cannot live with that.

 

I actually think that given how absolutely set you are against that is precisely why you ended up getting blindsided. She knows where you stand and probably doesn't feel like there is any room for discussion or changing your mind and never was. You have been firm on this issue and she has no reason to think that you'll change, but unfortunately she has changed. In a ways she is being as straight up with you about her change of heart as you have been with her about where you stand on this. It may hurt, but you've got to respect her for it.

 

I don't think you have any reason not to trust her with your stuff and in a way, your house isn't on fire. You don't need to rush home to get your sh$t out. It will hold because this is one of those where you have to waive a white flag and acknowledge that the children issue is a serious deal breaker between you and so you must part ways. She is not some evil human being for realizing before you got married that she really does want a family. Count yourself lucky really....as otherwise you've be on here writing about your impending divorce.

[ninjasmt]

Thank you. Man do I feel like I'm in a cage but I agree maybe this is better somehow. I will look into those things, I wasn't sure what to do but those are good starts. Stupid me gave her my half of the rent for the duration of my absence (Thats 5,000). At this point she is remaining in the apt and I trust her to pay the rent (We are both on the lease). I do have people back home that can get my things. Another thing is that I have access to her bank account (As a means to pay rent if she needed more money) I will look into the rent/lease situation.

[ninjasmt]

Yes but she did it over text when we could have at least skyped or called in my situation. We had a solid 3 year relationship, no breaks or on again off again bs. I understand she has changed her mind on kids but the way she did this, during a deployment and over a text shows me the kind of person she is. I am truly lucky, you're right.

[ninjasmt]

Update: She asked to remain friends. I don't think I can do that at this time, it's too hard bc I still have feelings for her and I told her this. I suggested no contact until I am back home to tie up loose knots and get my things and she got mad. I am not contacting her but it's hard.

[Mikey383]

Update: She asked to remain friends. I don't think I can do that at this time, it's too hard bc I still have feelings for her and I told her this. I suggested no contact until I am back home to tie up loose knots and get my things and she got mad. I am not contacting her but it's hard.

 

No Contact is a way to go!!!!!!

Gives you time to heal, especially while you are deployed and can't be there at home to work things out....

 

My EX GF of 2.5 years dumped me for the second time about 5 weeks ago... And I have been doing No Contact... And it's helping me heal.... She jumped on a dating site about a week after dumping me as if nothing mattered...Then I realized that she has emotionally checked out a while back... Silly as it may be, she has been letting go of me for 9 months... She just started a new relationship a couple of weeks ago, but still has been using a mutual friend to spy on me... Looks to me that she still has feelings for me....She did this before, and came back and now we are in round 2....Hahaha...

 

So my point is: She is upset that you want no contact, because she is still not willing to let go.... You are doing the right thing by going cold. You need to focus on your deployment mission, and keep your head straight, keep away from being depressed etc.... I know deployments create stress. I know, I did plenty of them. You need your health and focus on the mission at hand and no drama. You can resolve the rest when you come home.

[ninjasmt]

Thank you Mikey383, glad to have someone that understands the deployment aspect. I suppose no contact should be easier for me being over here. I started no contact officially and wont be texting or emailing her. Glad to see the no contact thing is helping you heal, I know I'll get there in time. She showed me that I wasn't even worth a phone call so I'm done. Nice to know ya, Next. Actually no next. I'm gonna heal for a while and stay focused here. Good thing is that have a strong passion for lifting and running and the gym has been my therapist. It happens to everyone I guess, that's life and I ain't letting this destroy me. Thanks to everyone here, I just needed some perspective.