Why can't things be easy and consistent?

[figureitout23]

Okay. Well, he reached out and we chatted briefly via text but he didn't ask me out. So, I guess his interest was all in my head.

 

You're right, I don't really know him that well and looks like I won't get the chance to. I am disappointed but have no choice but to forget him.

 

Hey Tyger, like Jilbralta said, try not to take the advice given too personal. You're learning how to navigate dating in an emotionally healthy way, it takes time and its hard out there, we all stumble. I'm glad he reached out.

[Batya33]

Hey Tyger, like Jilbralta said, try not to take the advice given too personal. You're learning how to navigate dating in an emotionally healthy way, it takes time and its hard out there, we all stumble. I'm glad he reached out.

My point was that how she describes her reactions do not seem to reflect an emotionally healthy reaction to the early stages of dating. Her feelings are her feelings. I have seen the OP write some things that reflect healthy insight and a willingness to work on her reactions so that she can navigate the dating world that is often. Hslekngong. Some people find it easy and consistent - like my mom who dated for two years until age 16 and then met my father. The dating part was easy. The marriage part was not. Certainly we can hope for easy and consistent / we can hope for lots of things. My approach was to accept the realities of dating in a major city in my 30s. Wasn't always pretty but managed to escape without becoming cynical or jaded.

[JustMizz]

Figure! I am done with dating for a while this time. I've deleted my OLD accounts and have no desire to make new ones. I know I've got to work on me and there aren't anymore guys out there to come back out of the woodwork! Lol

 

Tyger, I'm sorry you're having such a tough go at things. I know how it feels. We both need to work on ourselves and grow some thicker skin!

[Tygerlyly53]

Hey Tyger, like Jilbralta said, try not to take the advice given too personal. You're learning how to navigate dating in an emotionally healthy way, it takes time and its hard out there, we all stumble. I'm glad he reached out.

 

Thanks, I am glad he reached out, too. It was just chit chat. I am hoping he will ask to see me again soon but who knows. I have a date on Sunday with someone I had been talking on and off with for a few months. I feel kinda bad going but if the other guy doesn't ask to see me, then no sense sitting around alone, right?

[Batya33]

Thanks, I am glad he reached out, too. It was just chit chat. I am hoping he will ask to see me again soon but who knows. I have a date on Sunday with someone I had been talking on and off with for a few months. I feel kinda bad going but if the other guy doesn't ask to see me, then no sense sitting around alone, right?

 

Why would you be sitting around alone just because you don't have a date? If you want to sit around and if you want to be alone, go for it -but why are you making that connection? I would go on any dates or first meets that you're interested in going on, period. And if you don't have plans make a date with you.

[Tygerlyly53]

Figure! I am done with dating for a while this time. I've deleted my OLD accounts and have no desire to make new ones. I know I've got to work on me and there aren't anymore guys out there to come back out of the woodwork! Lol

 

Tyger, I'm sorry you're having such a tough go at things. I know how it feels. We both need to work on ourselves and grow some thicker skin!

 

Thanks, Mizz. You're definitely right. I am doing my best.

[reinventmyself]

Okay. Well, he reached out and we chatted briefly via text but he didn't ask me out. So, I guess his interest was all in my head.

 

You're right, I don't really know him that well and looks like I won't get the chance to. I am disappointed but have no choice but to forget him.

 

Holy cow. . the guy reaches out to talk to you and because he didn't lock down a date at that moment you think he doesn't like you?

 

So far he's proven you wrong a couple times. You were sure you weren't going to hear from him after his vacation, yet you updated us on your post vacation dinner.

You didn't hear from him for a day? half a day? and yet he reaches out but still you are ready to hang yourself on the highest rope?

 

You need to get a handle on this. It must feel miserable and at some point you wont be able to hide this anxiety from him and it'll scare him off.

 

I love this saying "Expectations are premeditated resentments'

Think about it.

[figureitout23]

'Expectations are premeditated resentments'

.

 

I like that! Consider it stolen.

[figureitout23]

Thanks, I am glad he reached out, too. It was just chit chat. I am hoping he will ask to see me again soon but who knows. I have a date on Sunday with someone I had been talking on and off with for a few months. I feel kinda bad going but if the other guy doesn't ask to see me, then no sense sitting around alone, right?

 

Nope, none at all. If anything it'll be good to get out of the house and socialize 😊.

[Tygerlyly53]

Holy cow. . the guy reaches out to talk to you and because he didn't lock down a date at that moment you think he doesn't like you?

 

So far he's proven you wrong a couple times. You were sure you weren't going to hear from him after his vacation, yet you updated us on your post vacation dinner.

You didn't hear from him for a day? half a day? and yet he reaches out but still you are ready to hang yourself on the highest rope?

 

You need to get a handle on this. It must feel miserable and at some point you wont be able to hide this anxiety from him and it'll scare him off.

 

I love this saying "Expectations are premeditated resentments'

Think about it.

 

That is a good quote and you are absolutely right. I tend to think the worst about things. I think it is because I am afraid that if I am actually happy about something, it will turn bad quickly and then I will be even more hurt. Also, I have a hard time not projecting past bad experiences with men onto current ones. I always fear history repeating itself.

 

I am not sure how to avoid having any expectations. Any advice on that?

[Tygerlyly53]

I know I sound like a broken record but I just feel like his interest has waned already. I am not sure if it is my insecurities and anxiety talking or my gut instinct. He just seemed so into me last week and now things feel "different." I know I can't make him like me and I just have to accept the way things are but I feel I just can't get or keep someone head over heels for me. 😕

[Batya33]

I know I sound like a broken record but I just feel like his interest has waned already. I am not sure if it is my insecurities and anxiety talking or my gut instinct. He just seemed so into me last week and now things feel "different." I know I can't make him like me and I just have to accept the way things are but I feel I just can't get or keep someone head over heels for me. 😕

 

Because he was never interested in you in any meaningful way or any way with real long term potential so nothing "waned". That's because you two are near strangers -known each other a short time/met only a few times. He was never even close to head over heels with you (maybe with an image of you or a fantasy in general, but not you -he doesn't know you). One date at a time. "The way things are" that you have to accept is that you're telling yourself stories about how near strangers are "interested" in you because they send texts to you and meet you in person and in those texts type flattering things or things that to you reflect interest that shows "potential." He was not "into you" last week -at most he was "into" meeting up with you again to get to know you a little more. A little. At most. He couldn't be "into you" because he doesn't know "you" in any way that would make "into you" mean anything approaching reality.

 

Many people change their minds early on -nothing to do with you. If you would work on what you can control -your expectations of strangers and near-strangers - you'd have a much more pleasant time of it.

 

Are you really interested in getting to know a particular person or are you much more interested in seeking validation that you are an ok person by a stranger or near stranger who says nice things and burns up your phone with texts for a week. People will be able to tell if you're more approval-seeking than actually giving a darn about who they are as people, what they like/value/etc. (as my mother used to say in a related context -are you more in love with love than an actual person). And that's a turn off to most healthy/balanced people.

 

No, you can't make him like you. How he behaved last week did not mean he liked "you" - it meant, at most, that he was interested in potentially seeing you again. That's all.

 

Here's a little anecdote that requires several paragraphs. 12 years ago I was contacted by a guy on a dating site who lived over an hour away. We had a few great phone conversations and then met. Nice first meet. Then he started calling a bit too much the following week but I thought I'd give him another chance because he was cute and I had a good enough time on the first meet. Because he traveled far to meet me we made a day of it in my city. And during that day I found him clingy and also he'd brought me an ice cream cake since I said I liked ice cream cake (which was over the top because I said I liked it for my birthday and it wasn't) and I realized he did that to try to get into my apartment to eat it.

 

I put it away when he got there and didn't invite him in. After the day together I kind of knew I probably didn't want to see him again -because he acted too clingy/insecure. But I thought it was rude not to invite him to have ice cream cake. I counted the minutes till it thawed (and yes I felt safe with him) and got him to leave shortly after. He asked me out again and I didn't say no but I didn't say yes either. He called me later and I said very plainly and directly that I was on the fence about seeing him again and because he lived far I'd decided it wasn't fair to him to have him travel again to see me given how I was feeling (that was as honest as I was willing to be - and the point was I told him directly that I didn't want to see him again). He thanked me profusely for my honesty.

 

The next morning he sent 5 emails in the space of about an hour lambasting and attacking me for leading him on by talking to him on the phone as much as I did and by inviting him to my apartment for cake (no, I don't think we even kissed). The 6th email apologized and asked if we could be friends (no) (I may be off by one email but you get the picture). My point is -yes I was interested when we spoke on the phone, yes I invited him to my home because he brought me ice cream cake, yes I changed my mind after meeting him twice that it was a good idea to see him one more time. Because of his insecurities he developed all these expectations based on my interest in talking on the phone and seeing him twice in the space of only a few weeks. We were in our late 30s at the time.

 

The great result is that this experience actually did exhaust me and I even considered taking a short break from dating. An hour later my future husband called - he happened to have a free night that night, we were exes, and had talked a bit about maybe meeting up to catch up since he was in town. We'd seen each other once in almost 8 years, never had a phone conversation in that time and exchanged about one-two emails a year other than that very recent situation of maybe meeting up (totally platonic). I agreed in part because it felt awesome to have an evening where I knew I wouldn't be asked about my dating life and where I wouldn't be asking him.

 

We both showed up disheveled and sweaty (me because I didn't have time to go home and change, him because he ran to meet me after going to the wrong restaurant of the same name). Sparks flew which surprised the heck out of me (and likely him, too although it would be almost a month before we acted on those sparks). One reason -because over those years he'd grown in self-confidence.

 

Want to know how he showed his growing interest in me over the next month? You do?? Good. He called me about once a week to ask me to get together (three platonic evenings in total), we exchanged a few emails and when we were together he showed a real interest in getting to know me as a person all over again. And same on my end. After the third evening, after we decided to get back together, we spoke every night and emailed a little. No constant contact about minutae or "checking in" in a text-like way.

 

In the three years we dated before getting married- most of which was long distance -I felt insecure about his interest level in me one time for about 6 hours because I thought he was going to call me after a meeting and he didn't and in addition to being concerned that he was ok I also worried if I'd done anything to make him not into me. And no I am not the most secure person in the least. But I also managed my expectations in a way that you say you're ready to do but your last post tells me you'd prefer to stay in your negative comfort zone -because the pity party is easier than the work. And the work is worth it I promise. You too can be awakened at 6:08am on a Saturday by a rambunctious 8 year old boy after you spent your Friday night folding laundry and scrubbing a floor (if you want a child, not sure if you do). No pity party here, promise. Try it.

[Tygerlyly53]

Thank you for the detailed response. I am not sure if you are trying to make me feel better or confirm that my instincts are right and he isn't interested in me. I am pretty sure it is the latter. He is not a complete stranger as I did know him before but we never dated.

 

I would love the opportunity to get to know and learn more about him but I don't feel like he wants that anymore. The couple of times we have met, we had a really nice time talking. After our first meeting, he was contacting me regularly.

 

I don't know. I guess you're right. He must have decided he doesn't really want to see me anymore. What is discouraging is that I don't know if I am unknowingly doing something to turn these men off. In my eyes, we were getting along nicely. My radar appears to be way off but, honestly, he did seem more into me.

 

I am really beginning to think I turn into a boring, uninteresting bump on a log when talking further to men who take an interest in me. I am not doing a pity party on purpose. I can't help feeling sad and confused about this, though. If you were in my actual shoes and felt what I have felt, you may not be so quick to tell me to "suck it up, buttercup."

 

It sucks feeling like a failure every time I meet someone. I don't know what or even if there's something I can do to change it.

[Batya33]

i don't think he is interested in taking you out on another date and I thought that when he texted you without asking you out. I completely disagree with you about how you perceived his level of interest in you before he decided not to ask you out on another date. Please reread my response for that opinion.

 

You can help how you react to your pity party feelings. But if you react in the way you are it's much easier on you -pity parties are much easier than doing the work. I was in your shoes many many many times. Remember, I was 42 when I first got married. I dated for 24 years on and off and I met over 100 men through online dating and dated hundreds total. And I never ever told you to suck it up. Maybe someone else did and if they did that was to me a very unhelpful response - kind of ridiculous too. But if you want to read what I wrote that way that confirms for me that for now you want to take the easy way out in your negative comfort zone. If you don't I have made suggestions which you might choose to stop dismissing, ignoring and intentionally misrepresenting what I've written to justify feeling sorry for yourself.

 

I responded to your last sentence many times. Choose if you want to reread it. I've tried my best, and I'm done because I can't keep retyping over and over again.

 

How about limiting the pity party to ten specific minutes a day (then five minutes, then two, etc) so that you get it out of your system and then you can make choices that might help you become the right person to find the right person. I had to become the right person to find the right person - I did the work and that's an understatement - it was boot camp much of the time and many years of it. And even some awesome pity parties that lasted a few hours at a time because I chose my goal -marriage and family - and I knew that would be worth the work and I was right even on a really challenging morning like this morning. It's your choice, you can help it, maybe in the future you will choose the work instead of the more than ten minutes a day passive woe is me stuff.

[Tygerlyly53]

My fault for coming here. I feel worse than ever.

[Batya33]

Sorry you feel worse than ever. I tried so hard to help you and really feel almost offended that you would think from all I wrote that I have never been in your shoes or cannot relate to how hard dating is and how stressful/frustrating/disappointing/crazy making. I do relate and I am a moderate success story all else equal. So I hoped that would be partly uplifting.

 

Anyway you asked whether you might come across boring on dates. So here are some suggestions if that is a possibility.

 

First, the more you can get away from the negative self-talk/pity party stuff the more your energy and vibe will be positive and sparkly.

Once you move away from the self-absorbed "does he like me/ is he interested" you can channel that energy into actually getting to know the person. Once you know his interests, you can read up on it, ask people about it, google it. Keep yourself up on: current events/cultural events/community events if that's relevant. Do some volunteer work that involves interacting with new people so you might have some interesting anecdotes to share. Ask follow up questions and don't rehearse what you want to say next -actually listen and make good eye contact. All you have to do is show up/look nice/be nice and keep up 50% of the conversation.

 

To me it was a bad idea to come here if you actually only wanted to vent despite asking for input - venting is fine/pity party is fine but asking for input and advice if you really just wanted to vent leads to confusion and likely making you feel worse. I thought you wanted input so I gave it. So did others. Totally fine if you don't agree or don't want to take the input. It's a topic I'm kind of intense about because I went through it for so many years and lived through it and accomplished my goals so I'd love to see others do the same. But there's that lead a horse to water part. Right now you'd rather not drink the water. And that's ok -your life, your time - nothing wrong with your approach as long as you're willing to accept the downsides.

[Tygerlyly53]

I don't know exactly why I came here. Maybe to get reassurance that I was just overthinking (which I do a lot) and he still is interested in me. Unfortunately, that kinda backfired on me and now I feel sadder than before. The popular opinion seems to be that IF he was interested, he would be blowing up my phone and locking down dates. He isn't. I know I do a lot of over investing way too soon and that is something I need to work on.

 

I do keep up on pop culture, current events, etc. I also do a lot of volunteer work and have hobbies. I try to lead a full life but can't seem to keep anyone interested. I am told I am attractive, but don't feel like it lately. I also exercise to stay in shape.

 

It's hard to raise my vibe when I feel so low. Perhaps I can find a free counseling program somewhere.

[Jibralta]

It sounds like you are down in the dumps right now. That will probably change, especially if you want it to. I hope you make friends with the fact that there's nothing wrong with you; this is just a matter of crappy/inconvenient circumstances.

[katrina1980]

Holy cow. . the guy reaches out to talk to you and because he didn't lock down a date at that moment you think he doesn't like you?

 

So far he's proven you wrong a couple times. You were sure you weren't going to hear from him after his vacation, yet you updated us on your post vacation dinner.

You didn't hear from him for a day? half a day? and yet he reaches out but still you are ready to hang yourself on the highest rope?

 

You need to get a handle on this. It must feel miserable and at some point you wont be able to hide this anxiety from him and it'll scare him off.

 

I love this saying "Expectations are premeditated resentments'

Think about it.

 

I agree with this.^

 

Dating is rarely "easy" and "consistent" and if that is your expectation, you will be sadly disappointed and hurt every time.

 

IMO, some of the advice on this thread has been very rigid. And rigid has no place in dating.

 

Takes all the fun, intrigue and spontaneity out of it.

 

There is no "one size fits all," every dating experience will be different from the next. Every man is different and will pursue differently.

 

If you judge every man how the last one treated you, or how your best friend's boyfriend treats her, or even how forum poster's boyfriends or husbands treat them, again you will be disappointed and hurt every time.

 

For example, some man prefer a woman reach out and initiate sometimes, even in early stages, and some men won't care about that and continue pursuing regardless.

 

Some men prefer a woman offer to pay and when she does not, will get turned off, and some men will actually get turned off when a woman "does" offer to pay.

 

Some men need more "space" than others, some men will need to pull back sometimes, and some won't. There have been books and articles written about this (John Gray) it's not like I'm pulling this stuff outta my hat.

 

Remaining open and flexible to the changing nuances is what separates the successful from non-successful.

 

This man told you he liked you, you went on a date, there was kissing, etc of course he was interested in you.

 

He was texting every day but you simply cannot expect a man to maintain that same pace forever, it's unrealistic. Especially while on vacation!

 

Try to keep things in perspective, you've had ONE date!

 

That is your own insecurity talking, which destroys the natural progression of a great relationship, which will include some back and forth, especially in early stages and in some cases, even throughout the relationship..

 

Again read John Gray's Mars/Venus books (men, "caving" and "rubberbanding"). There is definitely some truth to what he posits.

 

This can't be said enough, but you need to lower your expectations.

 

You are consumed with anxiety and negativity after one date, all because he didn't contact you in 1-2 days while on vacation.

 

No offense but what the hell. RELAX!

 

Dating is supposed to be fun! Sexy, spontaneous, fun!

 

And again no disrespect, but "you" are the one who is not making it "easy."

 

And if you dont get a handle on your own insecurity and anxiety issues, you will continue to drive men away because it it.

 

You are the common denominator in all this, and unless and until you accept this and address your own issues you will continue blaming men for not making everything *easy* or *consistent*, or godonlyknows what else, which won't get you anywhere but dumped.

 

Apologies if this sounded harsh but seriously come on now Tygerly.

[Batya33]

I don't know exactly why I came here. Maybe to get reassurance that I was just overthinking (which I do a lot) and he still is interested in me. Unfortunately, that kinda backfired on me and now I feel sadder than before. The popular opinion seems to be that IF he was interested, he would be blowing up my phone and locking down dates. He isn't. I know I do a lot of over investing way too soon and that is something I need to work on.

 

I do keep up on pop culture, current events, etc. I also do a lot of volunteer work and have hobbies. I try to lead a full life but can't seem to keep anyone interested. I am told I am attractive, but don't feel like it lately. I also exercise to stay in shape.

 

It's hard to raise my vibe when I feel so low. Perhaps I can find a free counseling program somewhere.

 

My opinion is absolutely not that he'd be blowing up your phone but that he would have asked you out on another date by now. He is on a dating site and looking to date. He wouldn't want you snapped up by some other guy because he didn't make a plan to see you again. You seem to have a penchant for exaggerating what people write. I didn't write that and I don't think anyone did.

 

You're doing everything right except the pity party stuff which can be reflected in your vibes/energy. Dating is a numbers game and requires a thick skin. Keep meeting new people.

[Batya33]

"read John Gray's Mars/Venus books (men, "caving" and "rubberbanding"). There is definitely some truth to what he posits.

 

This can't be said enough, but you need to lower your expectations.

 

You are consumed with anxiety and negativity after one date, all because he didn't contact you in 1-2 days while on vacation.

 

No offense but what the hell. RELAX!

 

Dating is supposed to be fun! Sexy, spontaneous, fun!'

 

I don't think this applies in this case - she met him once, yes? She's not dating him yet - they've only been on maybe one actual date? If he's already going into his cave that's not a mars/venus thing, that's not even going into a cave -that's the very basic gender neutral response of someone who is not that interested in seeing the person again. Nothing personal to her. Just not a good match from the starting gate.

[katrina1980]

@Batya, he did not contact her for 1-2 days, and he was on vacation.

 

Give the guy a break. They had one date.

 

Please.

[Batya33]

@Batya, he did not contact her for 1-2 days, and he was on vacation.

 

Give the guy a break.

 

I mean he has not asked her out for a date or tried to - so he doesn't care enough as to whether she gets snapped up by some other guy because he can't be bothered to see her in person? If he were interested he'd want to get to know her in person -and certainly by now. JMHO based on decades of direct and vicarious experience -and to me, plain old common sense -if he was interested in dating her (rather than chatting/texting when it's convenient for him) he'd show his interest by asking to see her out on a date.

 

And if there was a real reason he could not ask her out on a date right now or in the near future he'd want to make sure she knew that so that she knew he was interested in DATING her.

[katrina1980]

Batya, again there is no one size fits all in dating.

 

Your decades of experience are just that, *your* experiences.

 

*My* experiences have been different from yours, and have led to long term relationships.

 

If I had wanted to get married, they would have led to marriage, as I've been engaged twice, broke them both off for various reasons.

 

I have five brothers and attend a meet up every week where men and women discuss various topics; it's been super enlightening hearing how men in 2017 think and feel about love, dating, life.

 

I know of no man who is concerned about another man snapping a girl up if he does not "lock her down" for another date within a couple of days. None.

 

If she wants to get "snapped up" by another guy, doesn't matter how many dates they have, or when, she's either into him or not.

 

Tygerly needs to chill. And be more open and flexible to changing nuances. Lower the expectations and let it all play out. Again they have had ONE date.

 

Nuff said from me.

 

Agree to disagree.

[Batya33]

Batya, again there is no one size fits all in dating.

 

Your decades of experience are just that, *your* experiences.

 

*My* experiences have been different from yours, and have led to long term relationships.

 

If I had wanted to get married, they would have led to marriage, as I've been engaged twice, broke them both off for various reasons.

 

I have five brothers and attend a meet up every week where men and women discuss various topics; it's been super enlightening hearing how men think and feel about love, dating, life.

 

I know of no man who is concerned about another man snapping a girl up if he does not "lock her down" for another date within a couple of days. None.

 

If she wants to get "snapped up" by another guy, doesn't matter how many dates they have, or when, she's either into him or not.

 

Tygerly needs to chill. And be more open and flexible to changing nuances. Lower the expectations and let it all play out. Again they have had ONE date.

 

Nuff said from me.

 

Agree to disagree.

 

That's fine. There is no one size fits all in dating. I do think it's basic common sense that if a man is interested in dating a woman and is available to date he will ask a woman out on a date because people move towards pleasure and away from pain -he wants to see her again (pleasure) and avoid the pain of losing her to someone else especially given how they met. And if he is the sort of guy who needs obvious interest shown (and that's to counter your no "one size fits all" because I think most men don't need interest thrown in their face - just the minimum), she's done that. No one size fits all at all -there might be a rare exception - but I don't think she should focus on the rare exception in this particular situation (no one size fits all -her particular situation of high anxiety about this and her intense focus on a near stranger) - I think she should assume he does not want to see her again, assume it's nothing personal and focus her attention on meeting other people since she obviously wants a relationship.

 

And, yes, if a man likes a woman he wants to stay on her radar because if she is interested he'd hate to have her lose interest because she assumed he wasn't interested because he wasn't asking her out on dates regularly. Obviously she will get snapped up if she's not interested in him but you have to be in it to win it. If a woman agrees to a weekend evening date that's one less weekend evening she's out meeting or dating other people -and the man who likes her has a chance then to get to know her and keep her interest in him going.

 

I agree with the lowering expectations -been begging her to do so.

 

My experiences are not just mine but those of hundreds of women I know and have known over the decades. And the consistent stuff I've read and learned. And just basic common sense that people move towards pleasure and away from pain.

 

I doubt you've had long term happy relationships where neither of you asked each other out on dates in the beginning regularly to get to know each other -at least once a week -assuming it wasn't long distance or some other rare exception. Would you really get seriously involved with a man who met you once, was happy to be your text buddy for weeks without any suggestion of seeing you in person again and with no important reason other than he couldn't be bothered to make a plan? What kind of dating relationship is that -it's a chat buddy, a flirt buddy maybe - but a potentially serious LTR -really?

 

I go by how men act and how people act when they are interested in another person - far far more than what might be said on the subject at a meet up or similar gathering. And no it's not just "my" experience, at all.

 

There is no one size fits all -never wrote that -and certainly we can agree to disagree. From what you've written you weren't focused on finding an LTR like I was and like the OP was - and that changes a lot about how a person interacts, makes choices, selects who to date and not date, etc. That might explain some of it certainly.