Why can't things be easy and consistent?

[Batya33]

I always take it personally when they disappear because I think I am worth at least getting to know or given a decent chance. When they don't want to, I wonder why. They show tons of interest up front, I am not sure what changed. I guess they were only after one thing and when they got it, they didn't want it again. 😕

 

yes and that is how you are getting in your own way. Tons of interest up front is irrelevant -almost -you two are still basically strangers. And no it doesn't have to mean anything negative about their character. People very often change their minds in the beginning stages of dating for a multitude of reasons and most are not personal. And if it is- again he's basically a stranger or someone you really don't know. I changed my mind quite often after I initially got to know someone, for a variety of reasons. And many men didn't ask me out again. Dating requires a thick skin and having a reasonable level of self-esteem and it requires a lot of time, energy and effort. That is why IMO it's only worth all of that if you're looking for the long term.

[Tygerlyly53]

I am looking for long term. It is hard for me to have a thick skin as I am a very sensitive person and get my feelings hurt easily. Does that mean I shouldn't date at all then? I would like someone special in my life. Is that just not for me?

[Batya33]

I am looking for long term. It is hard for me to have a thick skin as I am a very sensitive person and get my feelings hurt easily. Does that mean I shouldn't date at all then? I would like someone special in my life. Is that just not for me?

 

No, it doesn't mean that. It means you have to work on how you react to your sensitivities - it's fine that you're sensitive and get your feelings hurt easily -and it's great that you know that about yourself. Now your work is to choose a different reaction to getting your feelings hurt -sometimes that will involve self-talk, sometimes intense cardio exercise, sometimes both or neither -you have to find what works for you so that you choose a different reaction and until that resonates for you you fake it till you make it.

 

I've had to work on major changes to how I react to certain feelings so that I can be the best parent I can be. It's really challenging, it's frustrating because sometimes it's one step forward two steps back but I see the progress and I see the rewards in front of my face. Or, likewise, I was very shy as a young teenager and I had to come out of my shell in order to have a social life. I didn't resign myself to "this is just how I am" -I found ways to compensate. Don't let yourself indulge in "this is just the way I am" or do the defeatist cop out "ok I guess I shouldn't date at all, woe is me" - - you can make a choice to change. If it's worth it to you. Is it?

[Tygerlyly53]

I understand what you are saying. It is definitely worth it to me to change my view and mindset.

 

By the way, I saw my man friend last night. Had a very nice dinner. We chatted a bit when I got home. I haven't heard from him today yet. I am trying not to let it devastate me! Haha

[Pleasedonot5]

And why can't you text him, because you're thinking about him? Has he initiated all conversation?

 

It's perfectly natural to feel anxious because someone has broke the pattern, and because this guy and his potential might mean a lot to you.

[Batya33]

And why can't you text him, because you're thinking about him? Has he initiated all conversation?

 

It's perfectly natural to feel anxious because someone has broke the pattern, and because this guy and his potential might mean a lot to you.

 

i don't agree to the extent that she barely knows this person and there is no pattern that early on. Her feelings are her feelings - not discounting them -just questioning the extent of her reaction to her feelings.

[figureitout23]

I always take it personally when they disappear because I think I am worth at least getting to know or given a decent chance. When they don't want to, I wonder why. They show tons of interest up front, I am not sure what changed. I guess they were only after one thing and when they got it, they didn't want it again. 😕

 

As someone currently dating , I totally get what you're saying. If you're clicking with someone and boom they disappear or tell you they argent interested, it can sting. There's no formula to make it not sting, even the most secure people on earth have gone through the emotional pitfalls of dating and relationships at least once in their life. And if they haven't they're flippin' magical and probably aren't going to understand what it feels like.

 

Again as someone who HAS been there I can tell you what helped me was first and foremost counseling. I didn't go for issues with 'dating'. Like you, my issues manifested themselves through men, but they actually had nothing to do with the men in my life. Changing my mindset and understanding why I do the things I do has helped me look at things more clearly and adjust my actions and reactions which has helped immensely. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm No longer doing the same thing and expecting different result.

 

Second was keeping my legs closed. Sex causes me to attach to people, I wish it didn't ,but it does, admitting that and not trying to keep up with today's standard keeps me emotionally sound and that matters to me. Even though the guy I am/was dating (gotta update that post) hit a rough patch, I know without a shadow of a doubt the reason had absolutely nothing to do with sex, I know he wasn't dating me to get laid, I know he didn't view sex the same as a handshake, because we got to know each other before our clothes came off and after that step was taken, literally nothing changed, except instead of dinner and a movie, it was dinner, movie, bow chicka wow wow, which..yay...dating him was that much more fun.

 

I didn't for one second think he was going to disappear and its not because my vajayjay is full of sunshine and lollypops (it is but that's not the reason) I truly believe its because I got to know him before I got naked. I didn't have to sit there and force myself to do something that's unnatural to me, having sex with zero expectations. Call me crazy ,but I like expecting to hear from the guy who just saw my boobs. I really don't even think I could train myself to treat sex in that manner so I don't do it.

 

Third, and this one is still a work in progress, I try not to allow myself to take things so personally. I know it feels personal and I'll be honest, it is possible you're doing something to chase these men away, but I think if you work on yourself and approach men differently, your confidence will shine through. You have got to get in control of this mindset you have though, you cant base your worth as a person on whether or not complete strangers want you. You're worth so much more than that.

[Tygerlyly53]

I guess I could text him but I am just so afraid of appearing needy or desperate. There was somewhat of a pattern until he went on vacation. He is back now and the pattern seems different. That is when I start to worry. I don't want to reach out to him out of desperation but also wish he would contact me as it would mean he is thinking about me.

[figureitout23]

I guess I could text him but I am just so afraid of appearing needy or desperate. There was somewhat of a pattern until he went on vacation. He is back now and the pattern seems different. That is when I start to worry. I don't want to reach out to him out of desperation but also wish he would contact me as it would mean he is thinking about me.

 

Tyger!!!!!! Even if you text him and he responds ( which I think he will I don't think he's ignoring you) it's only a matter of time until you freak out about something else small and meaningless.

 

Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself?!?!?!

 

No one man or woman is going to stay up your butt 24/7. And while I can admit a change in their usual pattern can be because something has changed, it can also be because of literally anything else in this world, but because you are seeking approval from these men you cant see that.

 

Is any of this getting through?

[Tygerlyly53]

Tyger!!!!!! Even if you text him and he responds ( which I think he will I don't think he's ignoring you) it's only a matter of time until you freak out about something else small and meaningless.

 

Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself?!?!?!

 

No one man or woman is going to stay up your butt 24/7. And while I can admit a change in their usual pattern can be because something has changed, it can also be because of literally anything else in this world, but because you are seeking approval from these men you cant see that.

 

Is any of this getting through?

 

Lol, yes, it is getting through. Old habits die hard! I just get paranoid when things deviate from the "norm." Meh, I need someone to shake some sense into me! I don't think he is ignoring me but just wish he wanted to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to him.

 

I agree with everything you said in your earlier post, too. I need to refrain from sleeping with someone too soon. I get attached before something is concrete and I can't continue putting myself through that.

 

I have had a bad run lately and it has taken a real toll on me. I know I am a catch, I just wish others would see it too.

[Batya33]

"There's no formula to make it not sting"

 

I had a formula - I lowered my expectations and I was regularly and often constantly meeting new people so it did not sting in any way that affected me more than momentarily - I'm talking about someone i only had a few dates with -and I did not type/talk for a long time before meeting. Had I not worked hard on that formula I would not be married now. I am sure of it.

[figureitout23]

Lol, yes, it is getting through. Old habits die hard! I just get paranoid when things deviate from the "norm." Meh, I need someone to shake some sense into me! I don't think he is ignoring me but just wish he wanted to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to him.

 

I agree with everything you said in your earlier post, too. I need to refrain from sleeping with someone too soon. I get attached before something is concrete and I can't continue putting myself through that.

 

I have had a bad run lately and it has taken a real toll on me. I know I am a catch, I just wish others would see it too.

 

I know you said you didn't sleep with him, but I have s STRONG feeling you did. No need to confirm or deny, if I'm wrong I'm wrong. I just really think you and Miz have some false ideas of what you'll gain from sex.

 

Im no therapist, I dont know the reason you both keep doing this but there HAS to be a reason, you both got hurt pretty badly based on your posts and you both keep doing the same thing and not just once, multiple times and you both say, 'I'll never do that again.' But you both keep doing it, again there is a reason for it and I don't think this boards advice is going to change that.

 

You both say you learned your lesson but you both end up right back here hurt and confused. Again, I don't think this board is going to fix that. I understand you tried counseling and you couldn't afford it, I really and truly think your only other option at this point is to just stop dating for the time being. I know you're not going to, you didn't any of the other times, neither did Miz, so I get it, you both are going to keep doing this and hell, you might get lucky the next time, but statistically speaking, this will probably keep happening. I do not think dating is worth you mental health and you may not think this is damaging you, it is.

 

Thats about the best advice I can give you, I'm still stumbling through this thing called dating myself and I fall, A LOT. Were all human. My main concern for the both of you is that if you keep doing this you're gonna end up so severely broken that something bad happens. These men simply aren't worth it. ( Neither are women! No one is)

[Tygerlyly53]

I absolutely did not sleep with this man. The most we have done is a bit of kissing. Not even heavy petting. I admit I may have slept with men too soon in the past but I don't want to do that anymore. I don't fault you for not believing me, though. Based on my previous posts, I am sure I come across as some two-bit ho with no morals or boundaries. I don't hang in bars or go to hookup sites seeking casual sex. I honestly thought the men I have been intimate with genuinely liked me. That's what they led me to believe. I know I am broken. When men act all into me, I need and like the attention. I am naive in that respect. Maybe I am too trusting and want to see the good in people. Hoping they see me as someone worth knowing.

 

Maybe all the good, decent men don't show up because they see me as a loose woman a mile away. I honestly just want to be loved by one person. I don't look to sleep around but since I am damaged, I see sex as attention and establishing my worth. I know it is wrong.

 

It hurts when people tell me I shouldn't be dating. It makes me feel like I should give up on finding love because I am too messed up and far gone to have it.

 

Perhaps everyone is right.

[Jibralta]

Don't take these responses too much to heart. From the men, or from people responding here. I don't know when the last time you dated was, but things may have changed. You'll have some trouble at first, then you'll learn the lay of the land, and a good pace. It's terribly inconvenient to have to learn all of this when all you want is to be loved, but keep at it and don't give up. You'll figure it out.

 

As for the discouraging responses: remember, people are limited. We project our own thoughts/fears/experiences onto other people. What you are hearing has more to do with those having the opinions than t does with you. Do as you like. Feel the way you feel. You're not hurting any one.

[Batya33]

I don't think you should tell yourself that "oh it's because I want to see the good in people" - because that won't motivate you to change. You make those choices out of neediness/insecurity. The men you had sex with may have genuinely liked you and didn't want to be in a relationship with you. Both can be true.

[figureitout23]

 

It hurts when people tell me I shouldn't be dating. It makes me feel like I should give up on finding love because I am too messed up and far gone to have it.

 

Perhaps everyone is right.

 

First, you could be meet a whole football team and have yourself a grand ole time and I still wouldn't think you were 'loose'.

 

Second, I don't think you are undeserving of love, quite the opposite, I think you are very deserving of love which is why I think you should figure out whats going on so you can work on it and go out and find a great mate.

 

sh*t, Im single as a pringle, so I'm technically in the same spot as you!

[Honeycomb8]

Haha I'm single too and I feel comfortable being so! It's great I can go out till 5am and not have to worry about anything.

It'll be nice to meet someone worth spending time with, but I'm not in a rush.

[Tygerlyly53]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling a bit sad today. Saw him last night but haven't heard a peep from him today. I know we aren't an item or anything but damnit, I like him and would love to hear from him. My biggest fear is he will forget I exist. Like out of sight out of mind. But I would even feel crappy if I contacted him. Kinda want to hear from him because he wanted to not because I prompted it. I wish I could just breathe and feel he likes me whether he says GM everyday or not. *Sigh*

[Batya33]

Even if he contacted you and asked you out all you would know is that he was interested in seeing you again. Tjetscall. You would not know if he saw future potential or even if he "liked" you. Now if he asked you to be hi girlfriend and you talked about the potential for the long term and then his actions were consistent with his words then you could expect that what he said he meant. Until then it's one date at a time if you can stomach it. A good morning text means almost nothing. It's words. And it typed words - he doesn't have to plan to call you at a time when he can reach you and actually have a conversation.

[Tygerlyly53]

I don't see how he can ask me to be his girlfriend and potential for a longterm relationship unless we talk and see each other fairly regularly. Sporadic communication/face to face doesn't work for me.

[Batya33]

I don't see how he can ask me to be his girlfriend and potential for a longterm relationship unless we talk and see each other fairly regularly. Sporadic communication/face to face doesn't work for me.

 

I dated before the internet, before text, and after the internet and without text (but with email and messaging -and I didn't have a cellphone until I was married and pregnant -I was the last holdout. We didn't have sporadic communication -we talked by phone on the nights we didn't see each other - usually at least 30 minus - and saw each other regularly. My SOs typically asked me to be exclusive within 6 weeks of dating -we saw each other once or twice a week, spoke a few times a week, some emailing later on when that was available. You don't get to know someone with this chat buddy texting - not in the ways that count - let a guy get to know you at a reasonable pace over time -peel back the layers one by one -not this verbal diahrrhea of TMI . And the GM texts are not to get to know him - you just want them for reassurance "oh!! he's still thinking of me ---- maybe he likes me!" -that's about you, not about him. Getting to know someone means to the extent possible being in person -eye contact/body language- or at least having telephone convos where you can hear his voice/inflections/how he talks to you when he can't pause between texts or wait to formulate a response. Texting like that is not the kind of meaningful conversation I'm referring to.

 

Please don't confuse your need for him to stay in contact by texting you with a desire to get to know him as a person -because with all that intense focus on your own ego and insecurities you might not even figure out whether you actually like/have anything in common with this person because of the self-absorption. Getting to know someone requires being reasonably confident and other-centered.

[Tygerlyly53]

Oh, I am much more interested in seeing him in person than anything else. What I am trying to say, though, is that isn't going to happen unless he wants to see me too, and shows interest. For now, hearing from him via text or phone call (to me) means he likes me and is thinking about me. Since I haven't heard from him in any capacity since Wednesday, I feel he isn't interested. That is what is making me sad because I really liked him and thought there was real potential for us.

[Batya33]

Oh, I am much more interested in seeing him in person than anything else. What I am trying to say, though, is that isn't going to happen unless he wants to see me too, and shows interest. For now, hearing from him via text or phone call (to me) means he likes me and is thinking about me. Since I haven't heard from him in any capacity since Wednesday, I feel he isn't interested. That is what is making me sad because I really liked him and thought there was real potential for us.

 

Well no I disagree. Just because he sends you a text which takes no effort doesn't mean he is interested in you or likes you in any meaningful way - could be many reasons he texted - he thought of you briefly, wants to make sure you're interested if he feels like asking you out on a date again at some point, etc. If a person likes you and sees romantic potential he wants to see you in person and he wants to make sure you're not snapped up by someone else. So he tries to see you at least once a week and plan in advance so no one else gets to see you on a prime weekend night.

 

What I used to do -the man did not have the privilege of messaging/calling me (I didn't have a cell) unless we had a date already planned or during that call he asked me out. I taught him how to treat me - meaning if he wanted to have a conversation with me or get a response from me he had to make a plan to see me. Why give him the benefit of typing back and forth when it's convenient for him?

 

I do agree that if he's not trying to see you once a week (barring things like out of town travel/illness, etc) then he's not that interested in dating you.

 

And the "really liked him/real potential" - I have to say -that starts to remind me of Fatal Attraction - how many dates did you go on total? A handful? And you are letting yourself go there with "really" like him and "real potential??" You've known your socks longer than him and know their potential (for continued wearability/comfort, etc) far better than you know this new person. Dial it back tremendously because with that level of interest -you're getting in your own way. Feelings are feelings but honoring those feelings with the way you are focused on it -and how sad you are about someone you barely know - if I were you I'd work very hard on doing whatever it takes to dial it back.

[Tygerlyly53]

Okay. Well, he reached out and we chatted briefly via text but he didn't ask me out. So, I guess his interest was all in my head.

 

You're right, I don't really know him that well and looks like I won't get the chance to. I am disappointed but have no choice but to forget him.

[Batya33]

Okay. Well, he reached out and we chatted briefly via text but he didn't ask me out. So, I guess his interest was all in my head.

 

You're right, I don't really know him that well and looks like I won't get the chance to. I am disappointed but have no choice but to forget him.

 

Yes- that's what dating is in a nutshell. I'm not sure about your assumption though -he might be interested in chatting with you and not in asking you out again for a myriad of reasons and likely not personal -maybe he met someone else, maybe he's putting dating off his radar for awhile, etc. It's not "all in your head" -but what you do need to get out of your head is that someone who has not asked you out yet is interested in going on a date with you. Assume that if someone you have recently met hasn't asked you out again, he is not interested in going on another date -nothing personal. Then if he asks you out again in the future you can be pleasantly surprised. That way you won't have an "all in your head" experience because he will be completely out of your head once you see him and he doesn't ask to see you again. That is the time you move on completely. Then there's nothing to "forget" -he was a blip on the radar-someone you barely knew -who you had a nice time with and who didn't ask to see you again (or did not accept your invitation with enthusiasm).

 

I never ever assumed there was potential with a man who hadn't asked me out on an actual date -and if he did the potential was this "there is now potential to see him again and go on another date and get to know him better and there is potential for him to ask me out again or for me to ask him out". Potential for the long term -in any specific way -shouldn't even be in your head until you've been dating at least 3-4 months and you are exclusive and things are going well. Then you can start to think about specific potential.

 

General potential -different story. Figure that out ASAP. Does he generally have similar life goals, do you have enough common interests and values? Are you attracted to him in general?

 

JMHO.