Why can't things be easy and consistent?

[katrina1980]

Not all my boyfriends "locked me down" for dates within a couple of days after the last, in the early stages.

 

Some of them waited as long as a week to ask me out again.

 

In the meantime, we stayed connected via text or phone, not even every day, which was fine (more than fine), and I recall having some great conversations that way in the early stages.

 

I did not interpret that to mean they wanted me as a "text/phone buddy", lol hardly.

 

I took it as a positive they were into me, wanted to stay connected, and when they knew their schedule, and/or were ready to ask me out again, they would.

 

Which they did! And I happily said yes and we went on to have a happy long term relationship.

 

Those relationships ended for various reasons that I don't care to get into now, but trust me it was not because they didn't "lock me down" for another date within a couple of days from the last.

[Batya33]

Yes would totally agree if he asked her out about once a week. I assumed it had been at least a week or more since he got back into town and of course he could have made a plan in advance for when he got back into town. In general I think it's a bad idea to be too chatty and avail until you have another date planned.

[Tygerlyly53]

Not all my boyfriends "locked me down" for dates within a couple of days after the last, in the early stages.

 

Some of them waited as long as a week to ask me out again.

 

In the meantime, we stayed connected via text or phone, not even every day, which was fine (more than fine), and I recall having some great conversations that way in the early stages.

 

I did not interpret that to mean they wanted me as a "text/phone buddy", lol hardly.

 

I took it as a positive they were into me, wanted to stay connected, and when they knew their schedule, and/or were ready to ask me out again, they would.

 

Which they did! And I happily said yes and we went on to have a happy long term relationship.

 

Those relationships ended for various reasons that I don't care to get into now, but trust me it was not because they didn't "lock me down" for another date within a couple of days from the last.

 

 

I appreciate all the responses/advice. Some cuts to the chase a little more than others but that's okay. It has given me a lot to think about. I am going to try and chill. Not sure if his not asking me out again has to do with his overall interest level but if he does, I will happily accept.

[katrina1980]

I appreciate all the responses/advice. Some cuts to the chase a little more than others but that's okay. It has given me a lot to think about. I am going to try and chill. Not sure if his not asking me out again has to do with his overall interest level but if he does, I will happily accept.

 

Happy to hear that! It's only been four days since your last date (last Tuesday?) and he's been on vacation.

 

He has since contacted you which is a positive!

 

Stay open and positive and give him a chance to think about you, wonder about you and miss you.

 

If it's been two weeks or longer and he has not asked you out again, unless he has a good reason, okay to walk away from that.

 

But it has not even been a week yet and he's been on vacation.

 

So try to relax and not over think. Think positive thoughts!

[Tygerlyly53]

Happy to hear that! It's only been four days since your last date (last Tuesday?) and he's been on vacation.

 

He has since contacted you which is a positive!

 

Stay open and positive and give him a chance to think about you, wonder about you and miss you.

 

If it's been two weeks or longer and he has not asked you out again, unless he has a good reason, okay to walk away from that.

 

But it has not even been a week yet and he's been on vacation.

 

So try to relax and not over think. Think positive thoughts!

 

Last time I saw him was on Wednesday of this week. If he hasn't asked me out again is that a bad sign? I am so confused about that.

[Batya33]

Last time I saw him was on Wednesday of this week. If he hasn't asked me out again is that a bad sign? I am so confused about that.

 

If you saw him 4 days ago then in my opinion -and definitely not a one size fits all -this is because of how you've texted with him also - he should try to see you by next weekend (meaning last weekend of September) because sometimes during the week dates aren't practical to plan. And he should try to plan the next date within the next 4 days or so. And yes stop the texting back and forth - if he asks you out -time and place (not just some vague reference) then a little more texting is ok. How many dates have you been on, again, not counting the first meet?

 

Sorry it sounded like a lot longer since you'd seen him. Sounds fine to me.

[Tygerlyly53]

If you saw him 4 days ago then in my opinion -and definitely not a one size fits all -this is because of how you've texted with him also - he should try to see you by next weekend (meaning last weekend of September) because sometimes during the week dates aren't practical to plan. And he should try to plan the next date within the next 4 days or so. And yes stop the texting back and forth - if he asks you out -time and place (not just some vague reference) then a little more texting is ok. How many dates have you been on, again, not counting the first meet?

 

Sorry it sounded like a lot longer since you'd seen him. Sounds fine to me.

 

We have been out once since the initial meet.

[Batya33]

We have been out once since the initial meet.

 

OK sounds good that you've had one real date. See what happens this week and I would keep texting to a minimum -if he wants more of you let him step up to the plate and ask you out on a date. No lecturing to him -simply respond at the outer boundaries of politeness, keep it short and simple and if you want you can text "this is a busy week so it's hard to text -I look forward to catching up in person -I'm sure you'll let me know when you're free" or something like that.

 

In a similar situation I made a new friend through a Facebook group. She went on at length about how we should meet and get together. I suggested a day and time. Her response was "sorry I can't make it that day". No attempt at an alternative. I texted back "no worries, just let me know when you can". And I left it. I do want to meet her and I have my standards - ball is in her court now -I'm not doing more of the work.

[lsilva]

Just relax and wait... he is not disappearing on you... he is just on vacations...

[Tygerlyly53]

Just relax and wait... he is not disappearing on you... he is just on vacations...

 

Thanks, I'm trying to relax but not doing a good job of it. He has been back from vacation. I haven't heard from him today. I feel he is doing the slow fade already. It has happened to me so many times lately that I almost expect it to happen and then it does. Sadly, I don't know how to break this spell or self- fulfilling prophecy. It is causing me anxiety and depression.

 

He was so good last week with contacting me everyday and asking to see me, but not this week. I can sense change in the air. : /

[katrina1980]

Thanks, I'm trying to relax but not doing a good job of it. He has been back from vacation. I haven't heard from him today. I feel he is doing the slow fade already. It has happened to me so many times lately that I almost expect it to happen and then it does. Sadly, I don't know how to break this spell or self- fulfilling prophecy. It is causing me anxiety and depression.

 

He was so good last week with contacting me everyday and asking to see me, but not this week. I can sense change in the air. : /

 

Tell us about your date Wednesdsy night.

 

What did you do? Was there touching, a bit of tension? Easy flow of communique? Did he kiss you?

 

How long did it last? How did it end?

 

Did you feel good and positive afterwards?

 

I can always tell how a man feels about me by how well we interact on our dates, how well we connect.

 

Our chemistry/energy.

 

If the chemistry is strong, and we connect well, I don't sweat about how long it takes for him to contact me again, I really don't.

 

I have faith and trust in our connection and stay positive.

 

If the chemistry and connection wasn't there, I will usually move along.

 

I only date men (or continue dating men) I connect well with. With whom there is strong chemistry. Good energy.

 

So how was it for you?

 

Was that chemistry/energy there? Do you feel you connect well on your dates?

 

Or was he just a guy to out with? For attention, validation, whatever?

 

I don't ask this to be disrespectful, but it makes a difference.

[Batya33]

Thanks, I'm trying to relax but not doing a good job of it. He has been back from vacation. I haven't heard from him today. I feel he is doing the slow fade already. It has happened to me so many times lately that I almost expect it to happen and then it does. Sadly, I don't know how to break this spell or self- fulfilling prophecy. It is causing me anxiety and depression.

 

He was so good last week with contacting me everyday and asking to see me, but not this week. I can sense change in the air. : /

 

Remember- you've met him twice in your life. No pattern, no change -he still is nearly a stranger. What may have changed is he may have decided not to ask you out again for a second date. Many people make that decision after one date. Including me. And I bet you have as well.

 

And if you treat every early date as the last date unless there is another date planned -time and place -then the only change that can happen is that you go from treating it as the last date to treating it as the next to last date -if the person asks you out again or accepts a date with you if you ask him out. That way you move on right after the date is over in every sense. If there is another date planned time and place then you look forward to that one more date. One date at a time will keep you sane.

 

I decided a long time ago not to read into any signs of interest early on because there's too much that can be misread especially when you're vulnerable and insecure -or temporarily vulnerable and insecure because you like him so much. And many people go home and change their minds. So there is only one sign that a guy is interested in another date with you - if he asks you out again, time and place or (if you're comfortable with it) if he enthusiastically agrees to see you again, time and place. That's the only relevant sign. The rest leads to overthinking/guesswork and your negative attitude.

[katrina1980]

Tygerly, I mean no offense or disrespect when I say this, but if you interact with the men you date, the way you interact here, especially when we ask specific questions in an effort to understand you and your situation better, and you don't respond or interact with us, except with negativity, I am not surprised you struggle so much with men and dating.

 

I'd love to be a little fly on the wall on your dates. Observing how you interact cause something seems very off, going by how you interact (or don't interact) here.

 

Again, I mean no disrespect and I am sure you are lovely, but do you engage these guys at all on your dates?

 

Are you enthusiastic, positive, happy?

 

If not, then no wonder they lose interest.

 

I am not suggesting this man has lost interest, but he does seem to be fading out from what you posted.

 

Nevermind us. Look *within*, you will find your answers there.

 

Best of luck.

[Batya33]

This is great advice. A main reason I declined to see someone again was if I got a negative or cynical vibe. I was honest with one guy that that was why I didn't want to see him again. He was handsome and impeccably polite and negative too. He wrote to me a few months later to tell me I was right -he was negative because he hated his job, he left his job and got a new job. The funny thing was I assumed he'd then want to see me again. Nope. He just wanted to share that with me.

[katrina1980]

This is great advice. A main reason I declined to see someone again was if I got a negative or cynical vibe. I was honest with one guy that that was why I didn't want to see him again. He was handsome and impeccably polite and negative too. He wrote to me a few months later to tell me I was right -he was negative because he hated his job, he left his job and got a new job. The funny thing was I assumed he'd then want to see me again. Nope. He just wanted to share that with me.

 

Yeah I've had guys pop in and out. Months, even years later.

 

I've done same though tbh, just to see, test the waters so to speak.

 

Nothing positive ever became of it (except for one guy and we dated again afterwards for a few months) so don't do it anymore.

 

But guys still do. If there is still a bit of interest, I just let it play out.

 

It rarely gets very far though.

[Tygerlyly53]

I PM'd you about the date, katrina. I wasn't sure I should keep posting on the thread.

[Tygerlyly53]

Tygerly, I mean no offense or disrespect when I say this, but if you interact with the men you date, the way you interact here, especially when we ask specific questions in an effort to understand you and your situation better, and you don't respond or interact with us, except with negativity, I am not surprised you struggle so much with men and dating.

 

I'd love to be a little fly on the wall on your dates. Observing how you interact cause something seems very off, going by how you interact (or don't interact) here.

 

Again, I mean no disrespect and I am sure you are lovely, but do you engage these guys at all on your dates?

 

Are you enthusiastic, positive, happy?

 

If not, then no wonder they lose interest.

 

 

I am not suggesting this man has lost interest, but he does seem to be fading out from what you posted.

 

Nevermind us. Look *within*, you will find your answers there.

 

Best of luck.

 

I have been enthusiastic, egaging and positive on the dates I have been on. I am not sad or negative at all. I felt comfortable and happy when with him and so did he.

 

Not sure why he would fade but if you all see it, too, then it isn't in my head. : (

[katrina1980]

I PM'd you about the date, katrina. I wasn't sure I should keep posting on the thread.

 

I replied and it all sounds good Tygerly.

 

Stay positive!

[Tygerlyly53]

I think a big part of my fear/anxiety is that I am still not completely over the man who ghosted me. I still think about him and feel hurt by it. I want to move on from that which is why I agreed to go out with this new man. I fear being faded or ghosted again so any sign of that sets me off.

[Batya33]

I think a big part of my fear/anxiety is that I am still not completely over the man who ghosted me. I still think about him and feel hurt by it. I want to move on from that which is why I agreed to go out with this new man. I fear being faded or ghosted again so any sign of that sets me off.

 

But he wouldn't be. He'd simply be deciding not to ask you out for a second date. He doesn't have to tell you he doesn't plan to ask you out again. If he doesn't ask you out his silence reflects his lack of interest. Certainly if you'd been dating for awhile and were exclusive/had serious intentions then it would be jerky of him to go MIA. But after one actual date - totally acceptable. Do you really want the text that says "you're sooooo awesome and amazing and I had such a great time with you but I'm not ready for a relationship right now. Take care, Ghost". Then you'll see him back on the dating site or see some social media post about his recent engagement, 6 months from now.

 

When I didn't want to see someone a second time most of the time I responded with silence because that was totally fine and understood. If it was safe, I might respond with "thanks so much and I don't think it makes sense for us to go out again". I wasn't ghosting or whatever you want to label it -silence is lack of interest at that stage.

[Tygerlyly53]

Okay, geesh, I get it. Since he hasn't asked me out again and hasn't reached out, he has probably decided I am not someone he wants to be with or sees a future with. I shouldn't take it personal but, sadly, I will.

[katrina1980]

Batya, not sure why Tylerly didn't wish to post about their second date here, but it went very well, and sounds like they both connected well with each other too.

 

He is definitely interested.

 

I advised her to say positive, so hope she is.

 

I would be shocked if he never asked her out again, shocked. Considering the way she explained their last date to me, and what transpired afterwards..

 

You are free to post what you want, but I don't think it's helpful to tell her to not expect another date. Just my opinion.

 

That only feeds into her already very negative feelings and insecurity.

 

She really needs to be feeling good and positive here!

 

It will reflect in her energy next time he contacts her.

 

Positive energy = positive result = positive outcome.

 

JMO, I mean no disrespect to you by saying this.

[katrina1980]

Okay, geesh, I get it. Since he hasn't asked me out again and hasn't reached out, he has probably decided I am not someone he wants to be with or sees a future with. I shouldn't take it personal but, sadly, I will.

 

Why because of one poster's opinion?

 

Stop it!!

 

....

[Batya33]

Batya, not sure why Tylerly didn't wish to post about their second date here, but it went very well, and sounds like they both connected well with each other too.

 

He is definitely interested.

 

I advised her to say positive, so hope she is.

 

I would be shocked if he never asked her out again, shocked. Considering the way she explained their last date to me.

 

You are free to post what you want, but I don't think it's helpful to tell her to not expect another date. Just my opinion.

 

That only feeds into her already very negative feelings and insecurity.

 

She really needs to be feeling good and positive here!

 

It will reflect in her energy next time he contacts her.

 

Positive energy = positive result.

 

JMO, I mean no disrespect to you by saying this.

 

Not negativity -reality. It's best in the early stages to stay positive and centered and expend energy on people whose actions are consistent with interest in dating. It's best to focus on the only actual action that is consistent with interest in dating -making a plan for a date -time and place -or at the very least "I have to check my schedule so I will call you in the next ___ days/weeks and we'll make a plan for a date, ok?" To me that's not negative at all -it's concrete reality and allows the person who is looking for a long term relationship to focus on meeting people who are interested in going on dates and available to do so.

 

Positive energy is what you direct towards people who are showing positive interest. Words are meaningless unless it's "I'm not available for a relationship right now" (then actions inconsistent with that should probably be ignored). She's wasting all this energy overthinking what happened on her first real date with someone she just met, who hasn't yet made a plan for another date, when she could be out there, trying to make positive connections with other people who might be interested in taking her on a date. Then, if he does ask her on a date it will be a pleasant surprise, she can decide then whether she would like to go on that date. Maybe she will, maybe she won't -all good either way.

 

Certainly if he asked her on a date and she said "well I don't expect it to happen because nothing good ever happens" I would agree with you - then it's reasonable to expect that a person who has asked her on a date -time and place -will follow up and show up for the date. It's negative to assume he'll flake. But to expect that because someone she just met said nice words about her while on a date or seemed attracted to her wants to date her -and he didn't ask her on a date yet? Just doesn't make a lot of sense to me especially for a person who overthinks. Imagine, if she just let it go once they said goodnight and was zen about it "whatever will be will be - there is no next date because he hasn't asked me out and that could change in the future - in the meanwhile I'll put him off my radar and shift my focus to whatever positive things I'm doing including meeting new people".

[katrina1980]

I am getting wound up now, give him a chance, their last date was only four days ago!

 

Not all guys will immediately plan for next date, as I said earlier I have had guys wait up to a week in early stages.

 

If our connection was strong, I always stayed positive they would, and they did!

 

I never had the attitude there would be no next date if they didn't immediately plan for it, lock me down.

 

What a crap attitude.

 

Again, if our connection on our last date was good, I always remained positive and flexible, this is the best advice I ever received and it's worked very well for me.

 

Times have changed since you dated Batya, and so have men.

 

Men have evolved. They don't "chase" like they used to.

 

Some do but I don't even trust men like that anymore. They disappear as fast as they came on, including planning for lots of dates quickly.

 

Men (the good ones) have options now and like to take things slower. They're not in such a hurry to "lock a woman down" like they used to be.

 

They experience lots of **** from women too, so they're more cautious.

 

I wish you could understand this, that times are different.

 

Tygerly explained her date to me. It sounded great! I think she should stay positive and trust he WILL contact her again and ask her out.

 

If after say a couple of weeks he has not, then move on.

 

But not yet, it's only been four days for heavens sake.