How to navigate a tricky dating situation

[nutbrownhare]

Mainly I want to know how can I kill this obsession. Anyone has any experience of this? How long it typically lasts? It has never happened to me before that I could not get over someone if I really really wanted to. So I am not dating anyone now, taking a break. No point, it seems.

 

You don't say how long you were with this guy, but there are two possible explanations for your difficulties in letting go. The first one - more likely if you hadn't been seeing him that long - is that you've got stuck in the 'honeymoon phase' of the relationship, which is very hormone-driven and means that you minimise all the danger signs in the face of an overwhelming fantasy. Disillusionment at an emotional level hasn't set in yet, even though you know rationally that this guy is no good for you. Give it time.

 

The other possibility is more likely if you were with him for a while. People who have had difficult childhoods/dysfunctional families are more vulnerable to this, for obvious reasons... but the more difficult you find it to leave an unhealthy relationship, the more elements of your own childhood struggle it contains. There are many valuable lessons in there, if you feel ready to look at them. Let your feelings tell you about your own history and your own pain and work out where you have experienced it before - with a therapist if necessary. THAT'S where your potential for growth lies, not in telling your ex he needs to see a shrink.

[SoulTaker]

Guys, I omitted one important piece of information, and if anyone knows what to do, I'll be forever grateful. I'm still hung up on a guy I had dated some time earlier. He is a sever commitment phobe, but I didn't realise this until much later when I was already hooked. We have intense physical and mental chemistry, but he wouldn't date me properly because he's scared. We tried, and I broke it off. I then tried to get over him, and I was unable. So I back-pedalled.

 

Mainly I want to know how can I kill this obsession. Anyone has any experience of this? How long it typically lasts? It has never happened to me before that I could not get over someone if I really really wanted to. So I am not dating anyone now, taking a break. No point, it seems.

 

As you have noted, it's called "chemistry". You end up projecting how things will be in the future being with him as a partner. But, he doesn't want to play along. It will last until you find someone better than him, which will get him out of your head.

 

In the meantime, it would help to have a belief (requirement) system that you follow, and he didn't fit one of the requirements you need in a mate (commitment). You have to also keep dating. Someone better will eventually show up.

[catfeeder]

Mainly I want to know how can I kill this obsession. Anyone has any experience of this? How long it typically lasts? It has never happened to me before that I could not get over someone if I really really wanted to. So I am not dating anyone now, taking a break. No point, it seems.

 

Trying to 'kill' it implies that the remedy must be harsh and difficult in order to be effective. I'd consider a far gentler approach, relaxing into trust that life will teach me whether or not Mr. Wonderful and I were ever a meant-to-be deal. If so, we'll meet on higher ground someday, but that would imply that we'll both need to reach that place on our own. This would motivate me to start my own climb to my own highest place from which I'll gain a better perspective.

 

I've always considered this my percentage play because either way, I win. If ex ever wants to return, I've done the work to gain the vision to handle that outcome well, and if not, I've still gained the vision to handle THAT outcome.

 

I'd start with a private goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this and build a fabulous life for myself. This would throw my focus onto cultivating my health, my social life, my career, my interests and my untapped talents, and my bonds with family. From there I'm too busy regaining my generosity and productivity to stagnate in rumination about a guy who will either show up for me someday or be replaced by a love for someone who will render the ex irrelevant.

 

Head high, and I'm glad to hear you won't be seduced by someone who demonstrates piss-poor judgement.

[Sportster2005]

I met this guy three times. And he's progressing things way too fast. Not sexually but romantically. In the one and half weeks we've known each other he has already written to me two and a half poems, and sends several substantial text messages a day. He's very good at keeping in touch, and he is a very good guy overall. But for me too much contact especially with the poems and all the romantic undercurrent is too much. I find myself dreading receiving his texts because I need to reply, and the more texts he sends, the more I withdraw and don't reply.

 

Initially I liked him, but this liking is getting eroded, the more attention I get. Last date we held hands and kissed lightly, and it was nice. I came home feeling positive that I want to see him again. But since Saturday he's been suffocating me with his presence, and I don't want to reply, and likely I won't want to see him again.

 

What to do? How do I stay interested in him? And most important how do I tell him it's too much for me without hurting him?

 

This is one of those very unfortunate circumstances. You like someone, but they are just not a good match. He can't, and shouldn't change. He'll find someone who likes the way is, it's not you. Leave him be to find his soul mate, and you continue your search for yours.

[katrina1980]

Hi BW. I would like to offer another possibility.

 

You have commitment issues of your own. This part-time extremely limited "non-relationship" (obsession) is safe because it allows you to "feel" - deeply and passionately without having to actually "relate."

 

Meaning, it doesn't threaten your freedom, nor does it require you to put in the necessary effort, to deal with the day to day, to sometimes feel bored, frustrated, at times turned off.

 

Think about how you felt with the French guy. He was too much obviously, but he was into you, wanted to spend time, get close and you were turned off.

 

Or think about the other "nice" "stable" men you have dated. How did you feel with them? I would venture to guess not nearly as obsessively passionate as you feel about this guy.

 

Obsessiing about someone we don't or can't have is painful, but feeling pain is much better (imo) than feeling NOTHING..

 

Feelings make us feel ALIVE, as painful as they sometimes are.

 

I was sort of obsessed with someone for awhile, I didn't mind it.

 

I am not anymore, I feel NOTHING for anyone and I feel empty, even a bit depressed.

 

I acknowledge that I may have commitment issues of my own though which may make me more suited for these types of fantasy non-relationships, still trying to figure that out.

 

If you think this is a possibility, and you want to change, then take the necessary steps to do so.

 

You suggested this guy seek therapy, perhaps therapy might benefit you too.

 

Therapy didn't work for me but perhaps it will for you.

 

Best of luck navigating these issues; commitment issues run deep and are hell to resolve.

 

Being aware is the first step.

[katrina1980]

I would also suggest you block him. Blocking is a very freeing feeling when you want to move on from someone.

 

It would prevent you from obsessively checking if he sent you a message, which only serves to keep you stuck in the obsession. Not to mention hearing from him sporadically, which will only set you back. Only to have him disappear again, which you know will happen.

 

Block.

[Broomwood]

Yes, exactly, spot on! I am stuck in the 'honeymoon phase'. Disillusionment hasn't really set in yet.

 

I know about the lessons that are contained in every painful relationship, and been working to understand them. This is definitely the path.

 

 

You don't say how long you were with this guy, but there are two possible explanations for your difficulties in letting go. The first one - more likely if you hadn't been seeing him that long - is that you've got stuck in the 'honeymoon phase' of the relationship, which is very hormone-driven and means that you minimise all the danger signs in the face of an overwhelming fantasy. Disillusionment at an emotional level hasn't set in yet, even though you know rationally that this guy is no good for you. Give it time.

 

The other possibility is more likely if you were with him for a while. People who have had difficult childhoods/dysfunctional families are more vulnerable to this, for obvious reasons... but the more difficult you find it to leave an unhealthy relationship, the more elements of your own childhood struggle it contains. There are many valuable lessons in there, if you feel ready to look at them. Let your feelings tell you about your own history and your own pain and work out where you have experienced it before - with a therapist if necessary. THAT'S where your potential for growth lies, not in telling your ex he needs to see a shrink.

[Broomwood]

But he has been blocked!! For two months now. He emailed last time. Can I block people from emailing me? I agree that the periodic contact is a set back.

 

I would also suggest you block him. Blocking is a very freeing feeling when you want to move on from someone.

 

It would prevent you from obsessively checking if he sent you a message, which only serves to keep you stuck in the obsession. Not to mention hearing from him sporadically, which will only set you back. Only to have him disappear again, which you know will happen.

 

Block.

[Broomwood]

I agree with you fully on the importance of belief/requirement system. And there's such system in place. As to keeping dating, I am trying, but so far find it of little use, as no one compares to him.

 

 

As you have noted, it's called "chemistry". You end up projecting how things will be in the future being with him as a partner. But, he doesn't want to play along. It will last until you find someone better than him, which will get him out of your head.

 

In the meantime, it would help to have a belief (requirement) system that you follow, and he didn't fit one of the requirements you need in a mate (commitment). You have to also keep dating. Someone better will eventually show up.

[Broomwood]

Thank you so much, wonderful people, for great advice. I agree with the ladies, who suggested gaining a higher vantage point, and getting yourself focused on one's own life. After no success for so long, I decided that I need to use "heavy artillery" in this case. I had a break up tape from some years ago that I found extremely helpful once upon a time. And I dusted it off, and did a first session. Going through the hard questions made me shed lots of tears that day. But at last I felt the sense of emotional freedom and peace inside me. At last. And I felt so happy. And what do you think happened next? This one bit I don't really know how to explain.

 

That night I saw him in my dream. And it was such a crystal clear dream that when you wake up, you're mixed up about where you are. For starters I never saw him in my dreams, left alone so clearly and pointedly. My head on the pillow, his face above mine, and we're having a conversation. Him, "I am not engaging in this sort of nonsense". Me, "I was angry with you". He, "I was angry with you too". And then we kiss, and the kiss is so tender and so loving. And long. I wake up still feeling his kiss on my lips and being permeated with the sense of loving.

 

I have to tell that I rarely ever see my bfs in my dreams, normally only those with whom I had a strong emotional bond with, and I can count only two. And one other aspect is that recently I started having dreams with premonitions. I had three in the last two years. Most bizarre, but the bottom line things happen in the next few days as per dream. And it's is only when there's a soul level bond with another person. There isn't any premonition in this dream only that we have feelings for each other, but he dismisses the whole idea of putting it out in the open, and discussing the differences.

 

While no new information in it, it sure has set me back since my higher vantage point the day before. I've been thinking about him again. Didn't have a chance to start session two yet, but will do my best to do it tomorrow.

[catfeeder]

While no new information in it, it sure has set me back since my higher vantage point the day before. I've been thinking about him again. Didn't have a chance to start session two yet, but will do my best to do it tomorrow.

 

Dreams are our highest intelligence whispering in our own ear. You're working stuff out both consciously and unconsciously, and it will feel like a roller coaster for a while. You never 'lose' any progress. What feels like setbacks are just repeating cycles of work at different levels. Nothing is ever wasted.

 

Head high.