Husband Complains I Don't Do Things He Enjoys Enough

[mylolita]

To anyone who will listen!

 

I have to apologise in advance because as I am writing this I am 5 months pregnant and probably hormonal/emotional.

 

I'm also going to say straight off the bat that I think/know I'm in the wrong. But, what I wanted advice on is, does this make me a bad person and wife to my husband?

 

Anyway, here's the stupid problem I have...

 

My husband works from home, doesn't see his old friends often, and we both chose equally to move away from where he grew up. Now, where he grew up (which is only a 35-40 minute drive away) there is a kind of rough, traditional working mans pub which his Dad spends most of his time in and it was where most of his old friends hang out.

 

Before I go on, can I say that I actively encourage him to see them more and go on lads nights out etc. but he's never that bothered and he always, ALWAYS insists that I be there and come along to this place.

 

Now he doesn't go often to this pub, maybe only once every 3-4 months, and he would go more, but it's a source of tension between us because I honestly HATE the place. Can't stand it. Find it depressing, boring... hence why he goes so little. His Dad is always there normally in a mood, just nags or complains the whole time to me. While I'm sat there and my husband is enjoying himself with these guys I normally get stuck with some washed up half drunk who chews my ear off for an hour. And then when I ask my husband after a couple of hours or three how much longer he wants to stay he complains that I'm nagging him to go.

 

Today we decided to go out to lunch then go to the pub to see his Dad (again, he won't go by himself, insists I have to go because he likes going and being with me there). I'm obviously not looking forward to it, and waiting for our food to come he starts asking if we're still going and complaining how long it has been since we'd gone, and that I was putting a dampener on the day. I just can't be fake and pretend I'm happy to go. I know I should be happy to be doing something for my husband that makes him happy, I know I'm in the wrong, but I detest my time there so much it fills me with dread and I'm always quiet before I know we're going there.

 

We get into a bit of an argument and I stupidly storm out saying isn't it good enough I'm going now or do you need me to skip there, etc. Which, I know is really childish of me.

 

He looks like a wounded puppy and I've told him to go by himself. He's gone really reluctantly and I feel so cruel. Basically, I just felt heavily pregnant, wanted a nap and really didn't want to go, and I feel like my attitude towards doing this for my husband makes me a nasty person. Do I have a bad attitude?

 

He does everything without complaint and he would do anything for me. I never ask him to do anything he dislikes for me but I know he would do it anyway.

 

I feel terrible. How do I make this up to him but reach a compromise so that I'm happy too?

 

Sorry for waffling,

 

Lo x

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not sure why you're feeling guilty. You don't have a good time in that venue so why doesn't he and you come up with a compromise where the two of you can go together and perhaps meet his father there that will be less obnoxious to you. After all, what's he going to expect you to do when the baby comes? Take the baby to a place where there are loud, half drunk men and breast feed in front of them?

 

I think its time for him, his dad and his friends to find a better place to meet. What about at his Dad's home?

[Hollyj]

Your husband is a big baby, and you are allowing it. Stop allowing him to manipulate you. Your husband is being quite selfish.

 

Tell him that you don't like going there, and he can go on his own. End of!

[RedDress]

I always find it weird (and a little disturbing/co-dependent?) when someone won't do things without their partner. It's completely unhealthy, IMO.

 

What do the other wives/gfs/ his mom do during this time? Are they there too? I think you should follow their lead.

 

If the other women are there and it's kind of a community thing and how his "people" interact with one another - yes - I think you should suck it up and go.

 

If it's truly a "guys" activity and none of the other wives/gfs go, I think you should flat-out insist that he put on his big-boy pants and go on his own. He should go every other month. It should be a relationship issue if he doesn't go. (Same as you would 'force' a child to eat their vegetables for their own good)

 

In all honesty, this would actually be a relationship dealbreaker for me. Space in a relationship is both healthy and good. I would insist on it.

[journeynow]

It sounds like it is this One Thing He Enjoys, not "Things" that he feels you aren't doing enough of. What about if you two take turns deciding what to do as a couple, and each perhaps alternating choosing a repeated interest and exploring a new one? That way you are balanced in doing what the other one chooses. And you can ask him that at this place, if there are no other spouses or girlfriends going, if you can suggest to his guy friends to bring theirs along? I don't know, I can see why you don't relish the setting, and maybe there is a way you can tweak the experience so that it is more enjoyable for you without detracting from his enjoyment. I might bring my sketchbook and sketch people. Or if I were a writer, take mental notes (or real ones) about characters and conversations for my short story or novel. Or suggest you drop him off, go do your thing with or without your friends, and then meet him there for the last half hour or so. Or contact some of the wives/gfs yourself and invite them to join the guys with you. Or don't go, but sandwich his time there with something he also enjoys.

 

And no, you are not "bad". But yes, do encourage balance of sharing interests or making choices in socializing.

[MrFisterZA]

From a male perspective if this is what makes him happy then hear him out. You should talk about how this place makes you feel. He may have certain feelings/emotions/memories attached with this place and its people and maybe thats why he enjoys being there.

 

I digress though, if it really makes my partner unhappy i find compromise and if it means going somewhere else then so be it.

In any event at this point in time you and your baby are most important

[mylolita]

From a male perspective if this is what makes him happy then hear him out. You should talk about how this place makes you feel. He may have certain feelings/emotions/memories attached with this place and its people and maybe thats why he enjoys being there.

 

I digress though, if it really makes my partner unhappy i find compromise and if it means going somewhere else then so be it.

In any event at this point in time you and your baby are most important

 

Hey,

 

Thanks for the reply, it's always useful to have a male perspective definitely! Us females get wrapped up in our emotions sometimes and can't see the wall for the bricks.

 

I spoke to him after our argument and he was very apologetic, but I apologised, I think I know deep down I shouldn't of ever acted like that. The next week we went and I was happy to go. It felt great doing something 100% for him, nothing to do with any of my enjoyment, and you know, it was strange but when I was there, because I was focused on being a good wife, a good partner, and his happiness, I stopped thinking about myself and actually enjoyed myself for once, and I think he appreciated it so much he squeezed my hand half way through and then only after an hour stood up and said, "Been nice guys but we're off." And asked me if I wanted to go out to get something to eat. He was so adoring of me, not that he normally isn't but, I think it really did mean the world to him, even that silly hour there.

 

And you're so right, he DOES have feelings, emotions and memories tied up in that place. He told me, heart felt, which is unlike him, that he's grown up there and it's where he doesn't feel alone, he knows everyone, it's home. I kind of melted inside because deep down I knew this anyway. I was just being selfish. We went the next week as well, only for an hour, he prompted the leave again, and I was happy again for doing my something for him that wasn't the usual making him dinner or cleaning up for him. It was nice. He hasn't asked me to go again since I came down with the flu a little and we've been busy but, I know it made him very happy and I'll be taking him there again soon.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

It sounds like it is this One Thing He Enjoys, not "Things" that he feels you aren't doing enough of. What about if you two take turns deciding what to do as a couple, and each perhaps alternating choosing a repeated interest and exploring a new one? That way you are balanced in doing what the other one chooses. And you can ask him that at this place, if there are no other spouses or girlfriends going, if you can suggest to his guy friends to bring theirs along? I don't know, I can see why you don't relish the setting, and maybe there is a way you can tweak the experience so that it is more enjoyable for you without detracting from his enjoyment. I might bring my sketchbook and sketch people. Or if I were a writer, take mental notes (or real ones) about characters and conversations for my short story or novel. Or suggest you drop him off, go do your thing with or without your friends, and then meet him there for the last half hour or so. Or contact some of the wives/gfs yourself and invite them to join the guys with you. Or don't go, but sandwich his time there with something he also enjoys.

 

And no, you are not "bad". But yes, do encourage balance of sharing interests or making choices in socializing.

 

Hi journeynow,

 

Thanks for the advice - I understand where you're coming from, I think I was being overly emotional, hormonal(!) and just down right selfish - I can stand it easily now and then, he does plenty of things for me. I bit the bullet, went, and realised I can have a good time there as long as we're not stuck there for hours and hours. He prompted us to leave only an hour in without me having to ask him so I know because I compromised he compromised too, which was very sweet.

 

It's worked out in the end!

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

I always find it weird (and a little disturbing/co-dependent?) when someone won't do things without their partner. It's completely unhealthy, IMO.

 

What do the other wives/gfs/ his mom do during this time? Are they there too? I think you should follow their lead.

 

If the other women are there and it's kind of a community thing and how his "people" interact with one another - yes - I think you should suck it up and go.

 

If it's truly a "guys" activity and none of the other wives/gfs go, I think you should flat-out insist that he put on his big-boy pants and go on his own. He should go every other month. It should be a relationship issue if he doesn't go. (Same as you would 'force' a child to eat their vegetables for their own good)

 

In all honesty, this would actually be a relationship dealbreaker for me. Space in a relationship is both healthy and good. I would insist on it.

 

Hi RedDress,

 

Thanks for your advice, although I wouldn't call it disturbing that he wants to be with me as much as he can, even after we've been/living together for nearly 10 years and been married for 3. I know whats healthy in a relationship and ours is great apart from the odd incident like this - could do worse! Can't be a deal breaker for me since we're married and I respect the vow I made, whether he wants me to go to the pub to see his buddies or not, it's not exactly horrible.

 

Looking back I was being really emotional and selfish, feeling a bit sorry for myself I think. We've reached a natural compromise without having to have much of a discussion about it in the end, alls well that ends well! And I actually felt really good doing something different for him that I normally hated and not thinking about myself which was nice, fulfilling in fact, and he really appreciated it.

 

I get where you're coming from with space etc. My husband works away mostly every other weekend so we have plenty of space even though when he's back we work together from home. Some relationships are just really tight knit I guess, I'm probably more likely to go see girlfriends alone because thats not his bag and it's not important to me that he's there, but I've always been kind of tom-boyish while at the same time a slave to my heels and make-up etc. which really makes me one of the guys sometimes which, I know he likes. He always has me along normally when he goes out with the guys, I have a lot of male friends who are his friends as well. It's a bit tangled like that but I don't mind it at all.

 

Can I be so bold and ask if you are married or, in a long term relationship? I often wonder when people give relationship what experience they're coming from and I'm interested where your view point is from etc. Please don't think I'm being catty or patronising by asking this, I'm just interested how you would write this behaviour off and delete the relationship if you were in my shoes?

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Your husband is a big baby, and you are allowing it. Stop allowing him to manipulate you. Your husband is being quite selfish.

 

Tell him that you don't like going there, and he can go on his own. End of!

 

Hi Hollyj,

 

I know my husband better than I know myself and I'm a big girl - I know when I'm being manipulated and when I'm not and please take my word for it, I'm really not. He's never truly manipulated me in my life. Well, maybe when I first met him and he pestered me for my phone number! But that's about it.

 

As much as I wanted to just tell him I'm never going again and mean it in the heat of our argument, I know deep down thats not right for us and thats not me. I know relationships are about compromise and we can't always have everything our own way. I calmed down and the next week we went and it was great, we had such a lovely weekend doing things for each other, it made me feel so much love for him all over again and he was so adoring. The compromise has worked out better for both of us in the end than us both getting exactly what we want and doing our own separate thing.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

I'm not sure why you're feeling guilty. You don't have a good time in that venue so why doesn't he and you come up with a compromise where the two of you can go together and perhaps meet his father there that will be less obnoxious to you. After all, what's he going to expect you to do when the baby comes? Take the baby to a place where there are loud, half drunk men and breast feed in front of them?

 

I think its time for him, his dad and his friends to find a better place to meet. What about at his Dad's home?

 

Hi ThatwasThen,

 

Thanks for the advice - no he would never expect me to go there with our baby.

 

I've always been kind of "one of the guys", I'm quite tom boyish whilst still being girlie, it's a strange mix but we're best friends as well as lovers and husband and wife so, he loves to do these things with me too. I meet his Dad at his own house quite a lot when his mum invites us round for dinner etc. but he's your typical, rough around the edges working class guy who spends most of his time there and he's too old to change! Haha, I get it, I know it sounds bad but we reached a compromise and my husband took my hand to leave after only an hour - he understands now. This way it's better for both of us and I felt much better doing something for him instead of sulking and telling him I'll never go again when I know deep down it's important to him.

 

Lo x

[abitbroken]

Hi ThatwasThen,

 

Thanks for the advice - no he would never expect me to go there with our baby.

 

I've always been kind of "one of the guys", I'm quite tom boyish whilst still being girlie, it's a strange mix but we're best friends as well as lovers and husband and wife so, he loves to do these things with me too. I meet his Dad at his own house quite a lot when his mum invites us round for dinner etc. but he's your typical, rough around the edges working class guy who spends most of his time there and he's too old to change! Haha, I get it, I know it sounds bad but we reached a compromise and my husband took my hand to leave after only an hour - he understands now. This way it's better for both of us and I felt much better doing something for him instead of sulking and telling him I'll never go again when I know deep down it's important to him.

 

Lo x

 

Thats great to hear. And i would go more often than once every 4 months. I am glad you have reached a compromise.

[mylolita]

Thats great to hear. And i would go more often than once every 4 months. I am glad you have reached a compromise.

 

Thanks for your advice - yes more than once a month for sure now, I almost don't mind it because he's so happy when we go! Ohhhh he's a cheap date haha!

 

Lo x