Best way to help your partner quit smoking?

[kvg]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I found out a couple days ago that he has been lying to me about smoking for the entirety of our relationship. At first I was absolutely furious. I felt disrespected and humiliated. After thinking about it, I realized that he did not do this to spite me, but it's just an addiction. He told me he hid it from be because he didn't want to disappoint me, and honestly I get it. I love him with all my heart and I know he is the person I am supposed to be with. I don't want to throw away our relationship because of this, however I told him very clearly how badly he hurt me. I told him that I need respect and honesty and ultimately I need him to quit in order for this to work. I think smoking is a disgusting habit, and he's basically killing himself. He's been smoking about 6-7 cigarettes on and off daily for the past 5 years, so I understand that he won't be able to quit overnight, but I want to do everything I can to help him without being too pushy, you know? We are still young (23) so I'm optimistic that things can change. I just need some advice on how to handle this. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks

[pippy longstocking]

Firstly and very importantly ...does he want to quit

[j.man]

Does he want to quit?

[pippy longstocking]

ahhh me and j are so together

[kvg]

At first he said he didn't, but he will for me. A few days later we talked and he said he does. He said he's been wanting to quit since he started. The longest he's gone is a month, but with stress and everything he went back to it. He is sure that with my support, he will be able to.

[pippy longstocking]

At first he said he didn't, but he will for me. A few days later we talked and he said he does. He said he's been wanting to quit since he started. The longest he's gone is a month, but with stress and everything he went back to it. He is sure that with my support, he will be able to.

 

Oh well that is good , because it would be a none starter if he didn't want to . There are vices to help and you need to look into them , are you UK , a lot of people here have quit using a vape stick ..then there are patches and gum , helplines with advice .

 

Don't nag or check up on him and understand he will withdraw which will make him irritable , emotional even , angry , all sorts of stuff goes on ..so just keep a calm temper and an open mind .

[kvg]

I guess my biggest issue is if he's been hiding it from me for the past 3 years, he can continue hiding it from me in the future. Like how will I know if he actually quits or just said he did to make me happy? We were planning on getting engaged soon, but I told him I don't want to make that commitment unless he's quit and he agreed. So he has motivation to quit, but also motivation to lie about quitting

[pippy longstocking]

I guess my biggest issue is if he's been hiding it from me for the past 3 years, he can continue hiding it from me in the future. Like how will I know if he actually quits or just said he did to make me happy? We were planning on getting engaged soon, but I told him I don't want to make that commitment unless he's quit and he agreed. So he has motivation to quit, but also motivation to lie about quitting

 

You don't and you wont , it is a game of trust that he has broken with you before he has started because he lied for all that time .

[melancholy123]

I know two hard core former smokers who both quit with hypnosis, done under a doctor's care. One guy smoked 3 packs a day for about 40 years and he quit the day the hypnosis was done, and that was about 5 yrs ago, and he never started again. He said it was hard to do but he hung in there and was successful.

 

The other guy didnt smoke as long, maybe 30 years, and maybe 1-2 packs a day, and he quit at least 10 years ago, successfully.

 

So it can be done that way if the smoker really wants to try.

[90_hour_sleep]

I wouldn't take the lying so personally. Smoking is a form of drug addiction, essentially. Addicts learn to lie. Survival mechanism. They have to learn to do this to enable the addiction to continue. It comes first...always. You might say, ''Well, it's only cigarettes...'' Ya. More addictive than a lot of other substances. Same mentality applies.

 

He won't quit for you. People don't quit for others. Sad reality.

 

Best you can do is offer support. A safe place for him to land if he's struggling. There are some good support websites out there. Places to check in when you're having a tough time. Quitnet is one...

 

I like Allen Carr's book also (Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking -- dumb name in my opinion...but it's a good read). Took a few reads...but made a big difference in my life. He talks about addiction, and facing the reality of it. Shifts the perspective in a way. Might be helpful.

 

Hypnosis seems like a good fit for a lot of people too!

 

Be patient.

[catfeeder]

I agree with 90. I'd consider whether omission is actually a 'lie' and I'd be careful about how I frame this to both myself and parter, or you're setting your relationship up to fail.

 

Taking on a parental role to police the guy is also a relationship killer. If you treat someone like a child, they will behave like one--and what do kids do? The rebel. And they grow up and leave.

 

Instead of forcing the guy to quit, which he will resent you for and eventually come out sideways, I'd just tell him I won't have smoking in my home, in front of me, and if I smell it on him, he'll need to change his clothes and wash. Beyond that, while I hope he opts to quit and am willing to bribe him with an event or object or favor of his choice if he tells me he's reached 'x' days without a smoke, I'm staying out of it.

 

His smoking hasn't been on the radar of your relationship the whole time, so for the sake of the relationship I want to keep, I wouldn't put it there.

 

PS: 6 or 7 smokes a day is not that big a deal. He might want to switch to water vaping.