To the girls who try so hard

[Alex39]

I feel like I wanted to write this for girls, like me, and my friends, family, who feel like they are trying so hard, and not getting results as they want with men. Most recently, I had a girlfriend come visit me to vent. She was saying how she met this new guy in her life, and he's nice, cute, smart, and dotes all over her, but she is having a hard time fully liking him. Everyone around her keeps telling her that he's great, and he treats her so well, but her feelings are still unsure about him. I myself, have been feeling this way about a guy in my life, and I was on the quest to figure out why my friend and I, both mid 20s, felt this way time and time again.

 

She and I are both cute, motivated, and try so hard. We put effort into how we look, eat well, exercise, paint our nails, wear the newest shoes, and have our lives together, but it seems every time we walk into a bar, we get ignored by the guys we want, and approached by the ones we don't notice. I'm not saying the guys who talk to every girl, or the guys who are sadly unattractive, but we end up picked up by the mediocre guys who have secure jobs, lives, and treat us like gold. But for some reason, this doesn't make us happy. We want the guys who don't care to turn their heads. We feel validation when we get someone who is not going to turn their head, to turn. It means our hard work paid off and we were the prize to someone worthy. Thats what we strive for when we get all dolled up. When we eat the nasty protein bar and run and extra mile. When we spend $200 on our hair and get the painful eye brow wax. We want the "cool" unattainable guys to notice. But in the end, the ones that notice are the nice ones. The solid choices. The safe choice.

 

Time and time again my friend and I have gone after the "cool" guys. Trying to show them how great we are, how hard we try, and how worthy we are, and time and time again, we get our hearts broken. We keep complaining about the men we get, and how no good ones are out there, but we keep choosing the ones that need their heads turned, instead of the ones that turn them right away.

 

My friend is now in a relationship with the good guy. The solid choice. The golden boy. But she still comes to me and tells me she is unsure, confused, and feels trapped. I feel for her, because now I am in the same mindset.

 

I'm dating a new guy. He acknowledges how hard I work, how nice I look, how accomplished I am. All what I strive for. All of which I hope to be acknowledged by men. He treats me like a princess. But I find my mind, like my friends, wandering back to previous flames who were no good, or potentials, whom we still hope to stand a chance with. Its sad really. We miss guys whom treated us like dirt. Because its comfortable territory. We feel like we need to earn our worth. We seek validation.

 

And on this quest we want someone to notice and turn their head when we are running the marathon. We seek the head turner at the finish line when we completed the race. We think we did well and they think we are awesome by the end. But instead we end up with guys who turn at the starting line. The ones who think we are awesome for even running in the first place. The ones who want to cheer us on until we finish. And celebrate with us after its done. But we feel unworthy of this type of thing. We feel insecure that they see the real us, before we have proven ourselves worthy.

 

I'm not saying that us girls need to stick with people we truly don't like. But for the girls like me, and my girl friend, to be open minded to the head turners. They see all the hard work you've put in and they want you to know it. They strive to win you over and not the other way around.

 

I'm not perfect. I am still figuring out my feelings. I don't know what will happen with me, or this new guy.

 

On another note, we also can't understand why the non-head turners, won't turn. But never does it cross our minds that they are not looking to turn. Another case in point that many of my friends, and myself have gone through so often, is guys being unavailable or not looking for a relationship. We continue to go after them anyway. We feel, the harder we try, the more they will notice. And we think by getting their head to turn, we have changed them. We changed a guy whom wasn't going to be with anyone. "Anyone" being the prime word. They aren't looking to be with anyone, including us. Time and time again, myself many times, my friends and I cry about being ghosted, but then ghost the good guys. We are used as a FWB, and ponder why they don't want to commit. But in reality, instead of turning their heads immediately, these guys heads slightly turned, and we ran full force at them. It had to be a sign. They twitched their eye brow at us. They like us. But time and time again, we are left heartbroken and sad.

 

Again, I am not advising girls to go with guys they don't like. But maybe, just maybe, consider those early head turners a little more closely. If you are looking to be in a serious relationship, and to potentially get married, those are the tried and true guys looking for that too. That's why their head turns in the first place. They are LOOKING. Non-head turners aren't looking, physically aren't looking. They don't care. It makes so much sense.

 

Back to my girl friend venting. She is still unsure of her feelings for this guy. And I tell her that it is perfectly normal to feel this way. She isn't used to being treated in such a nice way without earning it. But she does earn it, by just being herself. He is tooting her horn for everyone to see her. He is doing everything she and I always wanted. My guy is too. Its important for both of us to get over this validation and insecurity and really dive right in to see if we actually want someone with these men. Its important to remember, actions speak louder than words, so next time you go out, make sure you remember to embrace being the immediate head turner, and not the last head turn of the night.

[lostandhurt]

Pretty sad tale.

 

There are far to many "good people" being turned into test subjects for people that don't know what they want...

 

Hopefully one day you will discover what it is that makes you special all on your own instead of looking to some guy to show you. Perhaps then the right guy will take interest.

 

Lost

[DanZee]

Well, I think the guys who are "head-turners" see you girls for what you are and that is poseurs, perhaps even gold diggers. They're looking for girls that "have it," who don't have to flaunt it, but know it. They can see you faking it, trying too hard, putting too much effort into how you look and dress. You're only impressing the guys who are doing the same thing.

 

I'm not sure whether you girls can get what you're after, but I can give you a cynical answer and tell you to study the kind of girls the head-turners are attracted to and copy what they're doing. Pulling it off is another thing altogether.

[chitown9]

Wanting to attract men who don't show interest in you is plain nuts!:silly: chi

[Keyman]

Wow, you all sound so high maintenance, entitled and narcissistic. It's all about me and my needs, look at me look at me. I deserve the chump that won't look at me so I can change him and then get bored of him and try to catch the attention of someone else. SOunds like an endless cycle of unhappiness in hope that you will find the rich man that keeps you on your toes with his insincere treatment of you.

 

No doubt, most guys see you coming from a mile away. The ones that go for you think you are the prettiest most wonderful women, but when you dump them because they are too interested they will eventually learn and will go for girls who deserve their attention.

 

But, in saying that, there must be the guys out there that are the perfect match for you. Keep looking and hopefully you find one before the sexual currency you exude runs out.

[MissCanuck]

The problem is that you're trying so hard that it's likely coming across as artificial and superficial. These so-called "head-turners" can detect that and will usually move on to the women who naturally possess confidence.

 

The real issue lies in your self-esteem and insecurity, not the men you're trying so hard to impress.

[pippy longstocking]

I couldn't read past this bit

 

All what I strive for. All of which I hope to be acknowledged by men.

 

girlfriend you are going to reap what you sow for as long as your life evolves around this sentence .