I don't get any attention, am I right to think that's unusual?

[thornz]

So, when I was younger I used to get a lot of sexual and romantic attention which was fun initially but then the novelty soon wore off so I started dressing in a way that would avoid attracting attention.

 

I wasn't interested in dating or settling down so I wanted to be left alone. When I hit about 25 and decided I would actually like to start dating so I could settle down I realised that I was never approached, flirted with, asked for my number etc. So I made more of an effort with my appearance, dressed smarter, more feminine, wore make up occasionally, high heels if the mood takes me. Nothing. The last two relationships I had were via online dating and I approached them. The last date with a man other than those two relationships, again, I approached him. I'm 30 now and I think I have been asked for my number once in 8 years, by a guy who clearly had been reading a Pick Up Artist guide book 😑

 

I'm quite traditional in the sense that I'd prefer the man to approach me but if I were to stick to that rule I would have been single a long effing time.

 

The only reasons I can think for the lack of interest is that I was a tomboy growing up, all through my studies/career I have been an engineer so frequently associate with men (who likely are presumed to be my brother, dad, bro or someone who's toes might be stepped on by a would be courter). When I'm with female friends, we are usually loud and course, again that might be intimidating for a man to approach. When I'm on my own I never get approached either though (unless I'm misreading cues?)

 

I'm not looking for a relationship right now just acutely aware that I've no chance of finding someone if nobody is ever interested in me.

 

How can I change that? Maybe I need to be more open and approachable?

[j.man]

Especially if you're not actually wanting a relationship right now, I'd focus less on how to get attention so you can feel validated and focus more on getting that validation from yourself.

 

Now if anyone knows me on these forums, I'm not big on the cliche relationship books and coaches, but I've seen a couple videos of this guy getting posted by friends on facebook and he seems to have his finger on the pulse in regard to this pretty new era dating, where a lot of more "traditionally" minded women are finding themselves lagging behind. Now this guy's no exception to the rule when it comes to throwing out an overgeneralization here and there, but the message is pretty solid.

 

[video=youtube;HkEwUXD2cT8] ]

[DancingFool]

Do you need to be more open and approachable? Ding ding ding YES!

 

Sure the man does the asking and approaching, but guess who really initiates all that? The woman. It's on you to give him the green light to approach - simple stuff like eye contact and flashing him a smile is really enough. If you are with your loud coarse girlfriends, you will need to split from the herd and give him a chance to actually approach you. Go to the bar to get yourself a drink or even just water and linger a bit solo, etc. Pretty much any excuse to make yourself available and give him that opportunity. If he is interested, he'll take it.

 

Outside of the bar scene, hobbies, sports, etc. In addition to just being open and friendly or a little flirty, you do still need to open the door for a date. So if the guy you are interested in asks if you have plans this weekend, you just happen not to have any. This is one of those where even if you do have plans, make yourself available for a date instead. Not to say that you always want to do that thereafter, just that early on you do need to make yourself available for setting up a date.

[DancingFool]

Especially if you're not actually wanting a relationship right now, I'd focus less on how to get attention so you can feel validated and focus more on getting that validation from yourself.

 

Now if anyone knows me on these forums, I'm not big on the cliche relationship books and coaches, but I've seen a couple videos of this guy getting posted by friends on facebook and he seems to have his finger on the pulse in regard to this pretty new era dating, where a lot of more "traditionally" minded women are finding themselves lagging behind. Now this guy's no exception to the rule when it comes to throwing out an overgeneralization here and there, but the message is pretty solid.

 

[video=youtube;HkEwUXD2cT8] ]

 

I think I just inadvertently supported exactly what this guy is saying....lmao.....

Also he is hot........or I need glasses, not sure......lol.....

[thornz]

Especially if you're not actually wanting a relationship right now, I'd focus less on how to get attention so you can feel validated and focus more on getting that validation from yourself.

 

Now if anyone knows me on these forums, I'm not big on the cliche relationship books and coaches, but I've seen a couple videos of this guy getting posted by friends on facebook and he seems to have his finger on the pulse in regard to this pretty new era dating, where a lot of more "traditionally" minded women are finding themselves lagging behind. Now this guy's no exception to the rule when it comes to throwing out an overgeneralization here and there, but the message is pretty solid.

 

[video=youtube;HkEwUXD2cT8] ]

 

If you knew me irl I'd be offended at your suggestion that I need interest from men for validation. My concern is that without any approach from anyone (let alone someone I might consider dating) I'm hardly likely to get any dates when I'm feeling ready for a relationship. So in the meantime I need to work on that.

 

It was that video you posted that had me thinking about this in the first place. I've thought about it before of course but it got me wondering why nobody approaches me. I also have severe resting face lol

[Batya33]

if you are in environments where people are supposed to socialize and talk to each other while doing an activity for example then no one needs to "approach" but just mingle and interact.

[thornz]

Do you need to be more open and approachable? Ding ding ding YES!

 

Sure the man does the asking and approaching, but guess who really initiates all that? The woman. It's on you to give him the green light to approach - simple stuff like eye contact and flashing him a smile is really enough. If you are with your loud coarse girlfriends, you will need to split from the herd and give him a chance to actually approach you. Go to the bar to get yourself a drink or even just water and linger a bit solo, etc. Pretty much any excuse to make yourself available and give him that opportunity. If he is interested, he'll take it.

 

Outside of the bar scene, hobbies, sports, etc. In addition to just being open and friendly or a little flirty, you do still need to open the door for a date. So if the guy you are interested in asks if you have plans this weekend, you just happen not to have any. This is one of those where even if you do have plans, make yourself available for a date instead. Not to say that you always want to do that thereafter, just that early on you do need to make yourself available for setting up a date.

 

I do plenty of splitting from the herd, I'm always wandering off on my own, though I spend a lot of time on my own anyway.

I rarely make eye contact and smile at guys, usually because I don't want a random guy I'm not attracted to hitting on me. I think subconsciously because I got peed off with that kind of attention as a kid/young woman I've learned to give off the "come near me and I'll slice your balls off" vibe to avoid unwanted attention.

 

I think that the most interest I've had at all in the past few years is from a guy I work with who surprise surprise I was giving some pretty intense eye contact and being kind of smiley and flirty. The way I would describe it is that he seems happy to see me. So that's the best I've got in as long as I can remember 😂😂

 

Funny you should mention that, I get asked what I'm doing at the weekend all the time but I've never considered it might be used as a line to date. Hmm I also ask people that all the time. Maybe they think I'm chatting them up hah

[j.man]

My concern is that without any approach from anyone (let alone someone I might consider dating) I'm hardly likely to get any dates when I'm feeling ready for a relationship. So in the meantime I need to work on that.

I mean it might stand to reason that maybe, just maybe, you not being in the mode for a relationship manifests itself into your demeanor at least to some extent. At the end of the day, humans are animals, and while we may not spray out pheromones, went we're on, we generally have an inclination to show it and bring in some interest.

 

I also have severe resting face lol

And believe me, I do understand it sucks. My naturally rested face is a mean furrowed brow. Like strangers looking at me "Damn, dude, you lookin' to fight?" mean. It's unfortunate (and perhaps fortunate in its own way), but it's reality and something you have to work with. As I got much more sociable into my 20s and adapted to the social climate, I conditioned myself to raise my eyebrows a bit, smile at random **** (there's plenty out there to be amused by), and just overall look like someone who's a happy person. It's a gift and a curse in the sense every homeless person asks me face-to-face for cash and every lost tourist picks me out, but at the same time, I'm one of few guys who have been offered a drink by more than a few women.

[thornz]

if you are in environments where people are supposed to socialize and talk to each other while doing an activity for example then no one needs to "approach" but just mingle and interact.

 

I'm rarely in those environments and I'm not much of a mingler. I hate small talk. I need to learn how to flirt and become more sociable again. I used to love making new friends when I was younger.

[thornz]

I mean it might stand to reason that maybe, just maybe, you not being in the mode for a relationship manifests itself into your demeanor at least to some extent. At the end of the day, humans are animals, and while we may not spray out pheromones, went we're on, we generally have an inclination to show it and bring in some interest.

 

And believe me, I do understand it sucks. My naturally rested face is a mean furrowed brow. Like strangers looking at me "Damn, dude, you lookin' to fight?" mean. It's unfortunate (and perhaps fortunate in its own way), but it's reality and something you have to work with. As I got much more sociable into my 20s and adapted to the social climate, I conditioned myself to raise my eyebrows a bit, smile at random **** (there's plenty out there to be amused by), and just overall look like someone who's a happy person. It's a gift and a curse in the sense every homeless person asks me face-to-face for cash and every lost tourist picks me out, but at the same time, I'm one of few guys who have been offered a drink by more than a few women.

 

Perhaps but I've not had interest even when I was looking for a relationship of sorts. My preferred method to meet someone would be to get to know someone as an acquaintance then if attraction grows he might make a move.

 

Not really in any (or been able to make any) situations like that of late. I'm in some walking groups but they're always older folk (even older than I like to date at 5-15 years my senior). To say how many men I have associated with over the years it's actually quite astonishing that I don't get hit on (at least by their friends). Or maybe I do and I'm oblivious?

 

Better get flexing those facial muscles. It might make me feel happier if I smile more if nothing else!

[Vicky89]

Especially if you're not actually wanting a relationship right now, I'd focus less on how to get attention so you can feel validated and focus more on getting that validation from yourself.

 

Now if anyone knows me on these forums, I'm not big on the cliche relationship books and coaches, but I've seen a couple videos of this guy getting posted by friends on facebook and he seems to have his finger on the pulse in regard to this pretty new era dating, where a lot of more "traditionally" minded women are finding themselves lagging behind. Now this guy's no exception to the rule when it comes to throwing out an overgeneralization here and there, but the message is pretty solid.

 

[video=youtube;HkEwUXD2cT8] ]

 

That video says that men are attracted to most women they meet but they don't approach out of fear of being mislabeled a creep, and then it says that the men doing the approaching are often times the players who approach tons of women. But that just means the quiet shyer guys are players too since they find so many women around them attractive and would be interested in them, they just don't approach, so I don't see the difference in character there. the quiet guys just which they had the balls the players did to ask out a large number of women.

 

How does that help women find decent men to date ?

[thornz]

That video says that men are attracted to most women they meet but they don't approach out of fear of being mislabeled a creep, and then it says that the men doing the approaching are often times the players who approach tons of women. But that just means the quiet shyer guys are players too since they find so many women around them attractive and would be interested in them, they just don't approach, so I don't see the difference in character there. the quiet guys just which they had the balls the players did to ask out a large number of women.

 

How does that help women find decent men to date ?

 

I think he was saying that players will approach anyone they find even remotely attractive to try and sleep with them but other guys don't even have the courage to approach a woman they really like because they're concerned they might be mislabelled.

 

So that leaves women being approached by only creeps who don't care about being labelled creeps or players because some women out of the many will fall for the lines they're spinning.

[Capricorn3]

I rarely make eye contact and smile at guys, ....... I've learned to give off the "come near me and I'll slice your balls off" vibe to avoid unwanted attention.

 

I also have severe resting face

I think there's your answer. No-one is going to approach someone who gives such strong unapproachable vibes. Most people see/feel this almost instantly and head for the hills. It's really not surprising at all, as people are easily drawn to open, friendly and smiling people who give off a happy approachable vibe.

 

So, no smiling, no eye contact, severe resting face and ""come near me and I'll slice your balls off" look = no attention. A colleague that I work with has this problem and people avoid him like the plague.

 

Smile!

[Sportster2005]

I'm rarely in those environments and I'm not much of a mingler. I hate small talk. I need to learn how to flirt and become more sociable again. I used to love making new friends when I was younger.

 

Then you need to put yourself in those environments, learn to do be good at small talk and become social and learn to mingle. You could make those changes, or you can change the world to suit you. Your call.

[Batya33]

I think he was saying that players will approach anyone they find even remotely attractive to try and sleep with them but other guys don't even have the courage to approach a woman they really like because they're concerned they might be mislabelled.

 

So that leaves women being approached by only creeps who don't care about being labelled creeps or players because some women out of the many will fall for the lines they're spinning.

 

Well, no. In the circumstances where a stranger is going to "approach" another stranger and ask her or him out or flirt with no context or reason other than one finds the other attractive, that's going to be self-limiting already especially these days where many have earbuds in or are staring at their phones -another impediment to "approaching". I do know people who've met that way but it's unusual. Even a coffee shop is different in the sense that if you both are regulars you kind of get more familiar and at least there's more of an ice (or heat?) breaker having to do with what you're reading/drinking, etc.

 

Small talk leads to big talk I find and if it doesn't so what?

[thornz]

I think there's your answer. No-one is going to approach someone who gives such strong unapproachable vibes. Most people see/feel this almost instantly and head for the hills. It's really not surprising at all, as people are easily drawn to open, friendly and smiling people who give off a happy approachable vibe.

 

So, no smiling, no eye contact, severe resting face and ""come near me and I'll slice your balls off" look = no attention. A colleague that I work with has this problem and people avoid him like the plague.

 

Smile!

 

I do smile and laugh a lot just not when I'm alone or in a situation where I'd likely be approached. I was thinking last night about when I've found women most attractive and two in particular stool out in my mind. Months since I encountered them but they were both so open and friendly I couldn't help but be attracted.

 

I think if either of them were acted like I do I probably wouldn't have even noticed them let alone remember what they look like after one brief passing encounter.

 

In all honesty I was far happier when I was younger and was more open and friendly but people take advantage of you if you're soft so I'd be upset quite easily with people's behaviour towards me. I'm too cynical for people to try it on now.

[thornz]

Then you need to put yourself in those environments, learn to do be good at small talk and become social and learn to mingle. You could make those changes, or you can change the world to suit you. Your call.

 

I used to talk to anyone about anything but I probably came across as nuts! I wouldn't know where to begin finding those environments, let alone putting myself in them. I do like to get out and about as much as possible, the people I interact with are usually a lot older or younger.

 

What kind of environments are the right ones? Not nightclubs. Not interested in drunken boys on my tail lol

[j.man]

That video says that men are attracted to most women they meet but they don't approach out of fear of being mislabeled a creep, and then it says that the men doing the approaching are often times the players who approach tons of women. But that just means the quiet shyer guys are players too since they find so many women around them attractive and would be interested in them, they just don't approach, so I don't see the difference in character there. the quiet guys just which they had the balls the players did to ask out a large number of women.

 

How does that help women find decent men to date ?

Well, ideally, we'd push past the dichotomy of men being the one to approach and women being the one approached so as to give women more responsibility and a more active role in the selection process. Basically, in a very smart way, that's what he's doing here, at least the most effectively he can.

 

I guarantee if he could say, "Just take initiative and walk up to a guy who stands out to you" if he could. Fact is his audience is primarily-- at the risk of coming off a bit offensive-- desperate women and largely due to being stuck in their passive and diffident ways, who are paying to attend his seminars. He knows very few, if any of the women in attendance would lose the sense of "a man should be the one to approach me," much less take it upon themselves to actually do it themselves. So this is him finding a way to put their picker to work and initiate without feeling like they're initiating. It's a bit subliminal, but while there is some merit to making yourself more approachable to attract men who are respectable enough to read such signs before arbitrarily walking up to random women with, as he put it, "creepy ****," the bigger objective is to give direct signals to someone they are interested in. That's the surest way to get men you'd like to approach you to do so.

[thornz]

Well, ideally, we'd push past the dichotomy of men being the one to approach and women being the one approached so as to give women more responsibility and a more active role in the selection process. Basically, in a very smart way, that's what he's doing here, at least the most effectively he can.

 

I guarantee if he could say, "Just take initiative and walk up to a guy who stands out to you" if he could. Fact is his audience is primarily-- at the risk of coming off a bit offensive-- desperate women and largely due to being stuck in their passive and diffident ways, who are paying to attend his seminars. He knows very few, if any of the women in attendance would lose the sense of "a man should be the one to approach me," much less take it upon themselves to actually do it themselves. So this is him finding a way to put their picker to work and initiate without feeling like they're initiating. It's a bit subliminal, but while there is some merit to making yourself more approachable to attract men who are respectable enough to read such signs before arbitrarily walking up to random women with, as he put it, "creepy ****," the bigger objective is to give direct signals to someone they are interested in. That's the surest way to get men you'd like to approach you to do so.

 

Ideally men who don't take issue with being bought a drink or approached by women would be anything other than MGTOW's who believe that if a woman isn't keen on approaching you it's because she's passive and entitled, rather than having experienced confusion, horror and disgust from men who she has approached (even in a non romantic setting).

 

So excuse us if we don't care to deal with that time and again to find that the men who don't protest against being approached or bought a drink are (in my experience) jaded, selfish and abusive.

 

I'll stick to what feels natural and not waste time offering men drinks for them to get their knickers in a twist thanks. If I can make myself more approachable and get myself to places where I will meet new people I can talk to then I've done my bit as far as I'm concerned.

[Vicky89]

The thing is, unless the woman is 400 pounds and/ or just really ugly, men will say yes to a date. Women on the other hand tend to be much more picky when they say yes to a man. So if a woman approached a guy, how will she know he is with her because he wants her, or he is with her because she was the only one to approach him ( even if subtlety) and he just took the first thing being offered to him ?

[thornz]

The thing is, unless the woman is 400 pounds and/ or just really ugly, men will say yes to a date. Women on the other hand tend to be much more picky when they say yes to a man. So if a woman approached a guy, how will she know he is with her because he wants her, or he is with her because she was the only one to approach him ( even if subtlety) and he just took the first thing being offered to him ?

 

In my experience men are just as fussy about who they date (if not more so), they're not necessarily fussy about who they sleep with though. I think looks are more important to men but men are more easily attracted? Personally I don't really look at a man and find him attractive, I need to talk before I find out if I'm interested.

[j.man]

Ideally men who don't take issue with being bought a drink or approached by women would be anything other than MGTOW's who believe that if a woman isn't keen on approaching you it's because she's passive and entitled, rather than having experienced confusion, horror and disgust from men who she has approached (even in a non romantic setting).

 

So excuse us if we don't care to deal with that time and again to find that the men who don't protest against being approached or bought a drink are (in my experience) jaded, selfish and abusive.

 

I'll stick to what feels natural and not waste time offering men drinks for them to get their knickers in a twist thanks. If I can make myself more approachable and get myself to places where I will meet new people I can talk to then I've done my bit as far as I'm concerned.

What world do you live in?

 

This is like every comment on a Jezebel article all rolled into one post.

[Batya33]

Environments: volunteer work where people interact at least somewhat, especially backstage at community theater building sets/painting, book clubs, certain fitness classes, dance classes, sports activities, professional networking organizations.

 

Places where I met men in real life: volunteer work, at work and through work, through former classmates, at religious events and functions and retreats, square dancing lesson, singles resorts (yes, I went by myself), singles events and parties, dinner parties.

 

(Unusually, I even met a man while on a date. I was on a first meet at a popular cafe for first meets- he was on a date a few tables away - maybe a second date. he kept looking over at me. I had no clue who he was. Later he emailed me to say I'd responded to his online profile (true) and he wanted to go on a date -we went out a few times).

 

I first met my husband at work, on his first day of work.

[thornz]

What world do you live in?

 

This is like every comment on a Jezebel article all rolled into one post.

 

I have no idea what Jezebel is. I live in a world where men feel "emasculated" and get offended if you offer them a drink. These are platonic settings btw with work colleagues and friends of friends. Apparently it's rude to dare suggest a man might want your money. Unless of course he's had bad experiences with women in the past and just has a poor opinion of women in general then they're more than happy to accept.

 

I actually used buying him a drink as a "test" with my last two bf's to see if they would be irritated. Both accepted. Both turned out to be very selfish, disparaging of women (the first one actually was pretty effed up in the head towards women), bitter and unwilling to pull their fair share financially or physically. The last one actually accused me of being a gold digger because I refused to buy us both a cup of tea after he raged at me "are you going to get this".

 

Fair to say I won't be using that "test" again except to figure out who to avoid.

[thornz]

What world do you live in?

 

This is like every comment on a Jezebel article all rolled into one post.

 

Actually I'd quite like to do a social experiment based on this. After payday next week I'll go frequent some bars, restaurants, whatever, approach some men and see how they respond when I offer them a drink. Maybe men I don't know will respond differently to men I have a platonic relationship with or have known before? I'll make a thread to share what happens and as a bonus I might meet some people worth knowing?