I don't get any attention, am I right to think that's unusual?

[thornz]

Environments: volunteer work where people interact at least somewhat, especially backstage at community theater building sets/painting, book clubs, certain fitness classes, dance classes, sports activities, professional networking organizations.

 

Places where I met men in real life: volunteer work, at work and through work, through former classmates, at religious events and functions and retreats, square dancing lesson, singles resorts (yes, I went by myself), singles events and parties, dinner parties.

 

(Unusually, I even met a man while on a date. I was on a first meet at a popular cafe for first meets- he was on a date a few tables away - maybe a second date. he kept looking over at me. I had no clue who he was. Later he emailed me to say I'd responded to his online profile (true) and he wanted to go on a date -we went out a few times).

 

I first met my husband at work, on his first day of work.

 

Most of that stuff wouldn't interest me but I do go on walking and travel meet ups. I do professional networking but I like to keep it professional. I have considered I might meet somebody through work but a friend, cousin, acquaintance of someone I work with rather than someone I work with because again I'd prefer to keep it professional. I've dated someone at uni before and got burned lol.

 

Maybe if I get friendly with some staff at my local Costa Coffee I might get some introductions?

 

I go to a lot of car meets but never really get chatting to anyone in a flirty way I'm always more interested in the cars. Time to change that then!

[Batya33]

Most of that stuff wouldn't interest me but I do go on walking and travel meet ups. I do professional networking but I like to keep it professional. I have considered I might meet somebody through work but a friend, cousin, acquaintance of someone I work with rather than someone I work with because again I'd prefer to keep it professional. I've dated someone at uni before and got burned lol.

 

Maybe if I get friendly with some staff at my local Costa Coffee I might get some introductions?

 

I go to a lot of car meets but never really get chatting to anyone in a flirty way I'm always more interested in the cars. Time to change that then!

 

So if you read -and reread your post you'll see why your situation is not unusual in any way (unless you mean is it unusual that you don't get cat calls or random men approaching you on the street - that would be probably be location-specific). Again as in your other threads on related topics, you explain how narrow your interests and efforts are which is totally your perogative - just pointing out that given your choice to limit yourself and to be less flexible, of course it's not unusual.

 

I met my husband through work. 12 year dating anniversary yesterday, almost 9 years married. My friend met her husband at work- married over 15 years, so happy. I almost dated her husband way back so I know him well -great guy. Many other examples -and meeting someone you don't work with but through a professional organization -that happens even more frequently. My husband's ex was also a colleague and the one before that he met through someone at work but they didn't work together.

 

Good for you for recognizing about the car thing. Just because you date someone once in one situation and get burned -big deal.

 

Again it's all up to you.

[thornz]

So if you read -and reread your post you'll see why your situation is not unusual in any way (unless you mean is it unusual that you don't get cat calls or random men approaching you on the street - that would be probably be location-specific). Again as in your other threads on related topics, you explain how narrow your interests and efforts are which is totally your perogative - just pointing out that given your choice to limit yourself and to be less flexible, of course it's not unusual.

 

I met my husband through work. 12 year dating anniversary yesterday, almost 9 years married. My friend met her husband at work- married over 15 years, so happy. I almost dated her husband way back so I know him well -great guy. Many other examples -and meeting someone you don't work with but through a professional organization -that happens even more frequently. My husband's ex was also a colleague and the one before that he met through someone at work but they didn't work together.

 

Good for you for recognizing about the car thing. Just because you date someone once in one situation and get burned -big deal.

 

Again it's all up to you.

 

I've got plenty of interests just not the cash or company to follow them regularly. The ones I do follow regularly are what's affordable to me.

I actually do even make the effort to do things I'm not particularly interested in if my friends want to do it. Went to a steampunk festival last weekend. Not my thing at all but was an experience and better than sitting at home bored.

 

I really don't see the point following things that I'm not interested in or even in some of the cases you suggested I am quite opposed to, to meet men.

 

Had to go to the shop floor to find out something from one of the lads down there, got chatting to some of the guys. It wasn't so bad 🤣 Even got a reason to go back down and chat some more. Smiling and eye contact. It works lol

[thornz]

So if you read -and reread your post you'll see why your situation is not unusual in any way (unless you mean is it unusual that you don't get cat calls or random men approaching you on the street - that would be probably be location-specific). Again as in your other threads on related topics, you explain how narrow your interests and efforts are which is totally your perogative - just pointing out that given your choice to limit yourself and to be less flexible, of course it's not unusual.

 

I met my husband through work. 12 year dating anniversary yesterday, almost 9 years married. My friend met her husband at work- married over 15 years, so happy. I almost dated her husband way back so I know him well -great guy. Many other examples -and meeting someone you don't work with but through a professional organization -that happens even more frequently. My husband's ex was also a colleague and the one before that he met through someone at work but they didn't work together.

 

Good for you for recognizing about the car thing. Just because you date someone once in one situation and get burned -big deal.

 

Again it's all up to you.

 

And yes it's not unusual given that when I'm in an opportunity to get to know some men better I don't bother even looking remotely friendly. And when men do talk to me in a bit meh. I will work on it. I never used to be like this. Just bad habits from avoiding unwanted attention.

 

Thinking about how differently men respond to me when I have a more open friendly demeanour it's pretty obvious why I'm left alone. I wouldn't approach me either. Hard to open conversation with somebody who avoids making eye contact with you as if you're a Chugger!

[Batya33]

And yes it's not unusual given that when I'm in an opportunity to get to know some men better I don't bother even looking remotely friendly. And when men do talk to me in a bit meh. I will work on it. I never used to be like this. Just bad habits from avoiding unwanted attention.

 

Thinking about how differently men respond to me when I have a more open friendly demeanour it's pretty obvious why I'm left alone. I wouldn't approach me either. Hard to open conversation with somebody who avoids making eye contact with you as if you're a Chugger!

 

It all depends whether keeping the habit is worth the downside. Or working on getting rid of the habit is worth the potential upside. Just to share, in the category of clueless -when I was engaged and hugely pregnant (although harder to tell from the back) I was waiting in line to buy popcorn for a movie -my fiancee was inside the theater. The man behind me started chatting me up. I turned slightly to reveal The Belly, sure that that would deter him. Nope. I then made sure to have my ring showing. Nope. It was harmless -and I guess he figured it was on his end too! It had been a long time since that happened- maybe I was emitting some weird pheromones? That happened one other time during my pregnancy - that guy tracked me down on facebook and sent a friend request (we chatted at a party). So it does work the other way if the woman seems unavailable!

[thornz]

It all depends whether keeping the habit is worth the downside. Or working on getting rid of the habit is worth the potential upside. Just to share, in the category of clueless -when I was engaged and hugely pregnant (although harder to tell from the back) I was waiting in line to buy popcorn for a movie -my fiancee was inside the theater. The man behind me started chatting me up. I turned slightly to reveal The Belly, sure that that would deter him. Nope. I then made sure to have my ring showing. Nope. It was harmless -and I guess he figured it was on his end too! It had been a long time since that happened- maybe I was emitting some weird pheromones? That happened one other time during my pregnancy - that guy tracked me down on facebook and sent a friend request (we chatted at a party). So it does work the other way if the woman seems unavailable!

 

The upsides would be generally I would be happier for having some interaction and will probably make some new friends (I'm just as indifferent to women as men) and when the time comes to start dating again I might not plump for the first nob that pays me any attention if I've got plenty of options and am just less lonely overall.

 

The negatives I guess would be having to deal with any odd ones and even dangerous ones I attract. I guess I'll have to learn how to flirt and make small talk (I suck at both) and how to deal with awkward interactions and enforce my boundaries (which I also suck at). I dress a lot more modestly than when I was younger so hopefully I'll not get hounds on my case. Maybe it won't be as frustrating as I remember lol

[Batya33]

The upsides would be generally I would be happier for having some interaction and will probably make some new friends (I'm just as indifferent to women as men) and when the time comes to start dating again I might not plump for the first nob that pays me any attention if I've got plenty of options and am just less lonely overall.

 

The negatives I guess would be having to deal with any odd ones and even dangerous ones I attract. I guess I'll have to learn how to flirt and make small talk (I suck at both) and how to deal with awkward interactions and enforce my boundaries (which I also suck at). I dress a lot more modestly than when I was younger so hopefully I'll not get hounds on my case. Maybe it won't be as frustrating as I remember lol

 

That's great that you can articulate that so clearly! Honestly -I am the opposite of indifferent to making new friends and still find it challenging in my new-ish city -people have their people already, of course are busy (aren't we all) - and if you're already indifferent, that's a huge obstacle. So if you're indifferent, I wouldn't bother - I would bother only if you do start to give a darn and do actually want to get to know people in a positive, glass half-full way.

 

I'd also stop being disdainful of "small talk" - small talk can be a quick ice breaker and if you are actually interested in what makes people tick, what makes them unique, learning about what are their interests then a conversation can quickly become meaningful. But that's "if" what I wrote is true for you.

[thornz]

That's great that you can articulate that so clearly! Honestly -I am the opposite of indifferent to making new friends and still find it challenging in my new-ish city -people have their people already, of course are busy (aren't we all) - and if you're already indifferent, that's a huge obstacle. So if you're indifferent, I wouldn't bother - I would bother only if you do start to give a darn and do actually want to get to know people in a positive, glass half-full way.

 

I'd also stop being disdainful of "small talk" - small talk can be a quick ice breaker and if you are actually interested in what makes people tick, what makes them unique, learning about what are their interests then a conversation can quickly become meaningful. But that's "if" what I wrote is true for you.

 

I became indifferent to making new friends after finding (like you have) that when you move to a new place that people usually already have their own friends and you usually need friends to make friends. Hard to get chatting to new folk when you're on your own at home most of the time. I join online groups and make acquaintances that way but then I'm moving somewhere new before I know it and on my own again. It's very depressing and lonely tbh and pretty much the reason I've turned from a social butterfly to a loner.

[Batya33]

I became indifferent to making new friends after finding (like you have) that when you move to a new place that people usually already have their own friends and you usually need friends to make friends. Hard to get chatting to new folk when you're on your own at home most of the time. I join online groups and make acquaintances that way but then I'm moving somewhere new before I know it and on my own again. It's very depressing and lonely tbh and pretty much the reason I've turned from a social butterfly to a loner.

 

Of you know you're moving again soon I don't blame you for not making the effort. I made the effort when I moved here with a new husband and infant. But I assumed we'd be staying long term and for safety reasons I wanted to make sure I knew people who could help if my husband had to travel while for example the baby was unwell. Turned out I helped other moms just as much of more as vice versa. Also I genuinely like people and am curious about what makes people tick. Love hearing their stories.

[thornz]

So I have tried opening a few doors to make friends.

 

Sunday I went on a 9 mile hike with a local social group, I will be meeting the group again tomorrow for a walk and meal. I am going for a social get together at the local pub with them on Monday too.

 

Tuesday I met up with a car club. They will go to shows and have meets throughout the year so I will be able to go to shows with a mixed group of people.

 

Saturday I will be going to a local listed building, touring with another online social group.

 

Sunday morning I will be going on a walk with yet another social group and am on the wait list for going to the comedy club that night.

 

During the evening I am going for a martial arts induction at a club that was recommended to me by a woman I met at the walk on Sunday. They are a social group there too apparently and very friendly.

 

I have also looked up the local swimming pool and dog rescue centre so I can swim some mornings and go walk the rescue dogs when I have time.

 

So I'm putting myself out there!

 

My bestie came over to see me today and we had a heart to heart. He said that men never approach me because they are either scared off by me because I'm brash and smutty or because I'm so socially awkward and uncomfortable that they don't feel comfortable around me to ever go for the kill so to speak. He said I need to learn to be vulnerable and get out of my comfort zone and let down my walls that I have built up.

[Batya33]

So impressive!!! Hope you're having fun at this too,

[thornz]

So impressive!!! Hope you're having fun at this too,

 

Yes, felt great after the walk, looking forward to meeting with them again tonight. I'm finding some of my beliefs are being challenged too (thinking of my CBT).