Resentment towards husband

[Marshmellow12]

I'm going to start off by saying that telling me I should have never married this man is not going to make me feel better nor is it going to help me. I'm just going to get right to the point. 6 years ago my husband (then boyfriend) and I were on our way to his house after a late night of watching football at a friend's house. We were arguing about something stupid. He was driving extremely fast and it was scaring me and I asked him to slow down and he started going faster. He hit a tree. My two front teeth got broken off and he was fine of course. He felt really bad and apologized and bla bla bla. His insurance paid for my teeth to get fixed. The dentist did a horrible job and they looked so awful that I never smiled. I wanted them redone. He wouldn't help pay for it so I had to wait years before I could afford to have them redone. He didn't help with paying at all even though he has plenty of money to spare. We are now married. Now he wants $15,000 veneers when there is nothing wrong with his teeth when he wouldn't even help pay for my dental work last year. I am just so hurt and feel an enormous amount of resentment and hatred towards him right now. I am so upset. How can I get past this or get through to him how hurtful his behavior is without coming across as crazy (which is his favorite thing to call me).

[Seraphim]

Is it possible to divorce? Living this life of resentment and hating everything about him is far more life destroying than you can imagine . Why not call it quits?

 

If you don't want to quit have you tied individual therapy or marriage counselling?

[IAmFCA]

1. You have decided to marry and remain married to this man.

2. Your question includes the phrase "without coming across as crazy" which reveals that you are concerned that if you are authentic you will be diminished and misunderstood (called "crazy").

3. Your husband regularly dismisses your concerns, and is unjust in his dismissals of you.

4. You now are angry at having been dismissed with respect to your dental work, and resent how readily he values his own dental work. It stands for all the ways you feel he values himself more than he values you.

 

My answer is (1) Be authentic. To heck with his name calling and dismissal: at the very least, speak your voice. If he doesn't validate it, so what. Validate it yourself. You can not live well and live in silence (I know you speak, but you silence the part of you that has become accustomed to name calling). Find ways to speak constructively and regularly. (2) Your choice is to marry and remain married: therefore, you are not trapped, this is the man you continue to choose as your husband. Accept that he values his needs more than he values yours, and that he values his opinions more than he values yours. It is your choice to accept that. The teeth thing is just the latest illustration of it.

 

Your feelings are your responsibility. You have to find a way to reason with yourself, and resentment is related to the feeling of being duped and trapped. You have a choice, and you are choosing to continue with this man. The teeth are nothing new. Accept your choice or take responsibility for your happiness and make a different one.

[abitbroken]

If the dentist did a horrible job, then why didn't you discuss it with the person who did it right away - the dentist - immediately -- versus expecting money to be shelled out years later? if the teeth weren't properly fixed, they weren't properly fixed. And are you sure they are bad or just different because it might not be perfect again based on also how your jaw was injured?

[j.man]

Did you ever speak to an attorney after the dentist botched your teeth?

[Marshmellow12]

If the dentist did a horrible job, then why didn't you discuss it with the person who did it right away - the dentist - immediately -- versus expecting money to be shelled out years later? if the teeth weren't properly fixed, they weren't properly fixed. And are you sure they are bad or just different because it might not be perfect again based on also how your jaw was injured?

 

The dentist wouldn't do anything. And yes, they were horrible. They were a different color and didn't fit.

[Marshmellow12]

No, I did not

[journeynow]

Getting past this would mean letting go of how you feel, forgiving him, forgiving yourself, and letting the past stay in the past. (i.e. the change is yours)

 

Getting him to see how hurtful this is would mean rehashing the past and hoping he'll change. (i.e. the change would be his)

 

If you can't get past this, the option is to work out a way to separate and divorce as amicably as possible.

 

As you know, you can only control your own actions, or change your self. You cannot control or change others, and I think resentment takes hold when we hope for that and it doesn't happen.

[Honeycomb8]

I'd be divorcing this excuse for a man.

He seems reckless, temperamental and selfish.

 

You deserve much better.

[catfeeder]

Did you ever speak to an attorney after the dentist botched your teeth?

 

This was my thought, exactly. If the dentist botched the job, then you'd likely have legal options to go after the dentist to make it right--but it's on you to be proactive enough to pursue that.

 

I'd also consider legal advice today to learn the matrimonial laws in your area and your best steps for each option. You get to decide whether to remain miserable with husband who calls you names and is dismissive of your concerns.