A horrible two years and a childhood full of regrets.

[robin13]

I grew up in which I thought was a normal family. My Father was Incredibly successful. Anything I did he would have screamed at me and hit me from as young as 3/4. I did love him obviously he was my Father. But all the shouting all the screaming all the fear of ever making a wrong move in school or at home, not getting the best grades, not being the best took it's toll I feel. The teenage years for me were incredibly strict. He pushed me so much in everything I did. It was good in a way but I became to live in fear of his reaction if I did anything wrong and his approval became everything to me. I did very well because of this pressure but I feel it really impacted on my relationship with my girlfriend. He was incredibly controlling, he dictated to my mum a lot, it was always what he wanted.

 

Anyway, when I was 18 two years ago, he died. He dropped outside my house, he was 46, he was so fit and so healthy he didn't drink or smoke. My last words to him were "you're 3 children all hate you." I said that the night before because he went crazy as I was home at 6pm from school as I had to stay for a rehearsal. Our relationship was terrible. A lot of physical fights and swearing. I regret it all so much, because he was so good to us, despite his temper. Anyway, I took it all out on girlfriend. I started treating her like . Then I went to University last September, I was on a rugby scholarship, It was a top Uni, It was the one where my dad and I went to and visited, he wanted me to go there and I got in. I had to sit my exams 4 months after he died. I just don't know how I did it but I got the grades. Then I went to Uni, full of drive to do so well. I started drinking, partying every night. I became what I think was an alcoholic. By christmas I was drinking full bottles of vodka. I was cheating so much on my girlfriend. To be honest I ended up hitting her, I put her down so much. I treated everyone around me like crap. I dunno who I was. Then it was his one year anniversary. Things were very hard then. My girlfriend wasn't very understanding, probably because of how I treated her. Anyway. I lost a lot of friends. I lost my girlfriend in February. I ended up beating up her new guy outside her house and being picked up by the police. After she left, I felt like my whole world had crashed.

 

The past 5 months were the hardest I've ever been through. I fought suicidal thoughts everyday. I felt so ashamed to even leave my house when I came home due to what people heard about me. I feel so insecure still. I used to laugh at people who talked about mental illness. I said it wasn't real. I think I suffered from it. I am getting over it. I just have so many feelings and thoughts regrets. I'm typing this right now, studying for my uni exams as I couldn't sit them in June. How do you move on from something like that? I feel happier but I want to go back to how happy I was before. The way things were before I met my girlfriend, before my relationship with my dad became Toxic. Please help. I can't speak to my family about this. My friends about this.

 

Thanks.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey Robin,

 

It's going to be okay. You aren't a bad person for the way you acted under such awful emotional turmoil. Those were definitely awful actions, but you are not an awful human being.

 

Whatever you said to your father, who was most definitely abusive to you, he's gone now. That means what you said doesn't mean anything anymore. He's either in Heaven and has forgiven you or he's not conscious anymore and so he isn't thinking about it. May I ask how he went? If it was a suicide, I can't imagine the pain or guilt that would put you in.

 

You've responded to it in a way that none of us can judge. That is a very, very heavy cross to bear and I don't envy you. It seems you coped in toxic ways: drinking, cheating, abusing your ex-girlfriend. None of those things are okay, and it's good that you realize that. But now that you have coped with the fresh pain of your father dying in unhealthy ways, and you realize those coping mechanisms were unhealthy, you can now start tackling the problems in a more healthy way. I suggest:

 

1. Seek therapy. These issues stem far deeper than you may even realize. You won't get 100% of the help you need from ENA. I would suggest therapy for much less emotionally taxing situations.

 

2. Apologize to your ex, and others you have hurt, and give them plenty of space. It's never okay to assault someone like that, and a long-distance (email, text) apology and an explanation of what you were going through (not excuses, just an explanation). Do NOT meet up, and ONLY send ONE message.

 

3. Seek out supportive friendships. If you have some already, you need people to talk to and to have fun with. Lean on them. If not, try meeting new people.

 

4. Stay away from unhealthy coping mechanisms, like alcohol and partying. Go to the gym and really work out that anger, or go running. I can give you running tips/advice if you would like. Productive and cathartic. This would be very good for you.

 

Hope this helps. I HIGHLY recommend you see someone for this. I am going to see a therapist for a much less difficult situation, so it's nothing to be ashamed of.

[ThatwasThen]

Robin: Your university will have a psychology department. Go there and book an appointment with a therapist so that you can come to terms with your past and learn tools to help you go forward the best you that you can be. You certainly don't want to keep repeating poor relationship patterns that have been engrained due to your upbringing. You're tuition will pay for your sessions.

 

Don't procrastinate, do it today or tomorrow, certainly as soon as possible.

[Pleasedonot5]

Completely agree with ThatwasThen. Universities often have no-cost or low-cost, confidential, professional counseling. I definitely recommend looking into that ASAP.

[cherubrock]

Your dad couldn't help his anger as you also couldn't help your anger...

 

You should listen to Roy Masters on youtube.

[LaHermes]

"Anything I did he would have screamed at me and hit me from as young as 3/4. "

 

How frightful. No child should have to endure that kind of hideous treatment. And yes, your father COULD help himself. But it was easier to lash out and verbally and physically abuse.

It is called abuse and he was an abuser. And no it wasn't your fault in any way.

 

No wonder he dropped dead at 46. The constant raging and anger finished him off.

[cherubrock]

"Anything I did he would have screamed at me and hit me from as young as 3/4. "

 

How frightful. No child should have to endure that kind of hideous treatment. And yes, your father COULD help himself. But it was easier to lash out and verbally and physically abuse.

It is called abuse and he was an abuser. And no it wasn't your fault in any way.

 

No wonder he dropped dead at 46. The constant raging and anger finished him off.

 

Yes he could've helped himself but I'm sure he wasn't fully conscious of the damage he was causing his son.