"Friend zoned" after sex

[boltnrun]

Yeah I am not contacting him anymore. And I hope he doesn't contact me

 

You can fix that by asking him not to contact you, then blocking any means he has to contact.

 

But, you have to be in the right mindset to realize and accept that continuing to have sex with him will NOT make him want a relationship.

[Imjustagirl22]

You can fix that by asking him not to contact you, then blocking any means he has to contact.

 

But, you have to be in the right mindset to realize and accept that continuing to have sex with him will NOT make him want a relationship.

 

Oh I am. Not having sex anymore. Can't. I like him too much to do it.

 

So funny I never replied to his we will talk soon....an hour ago he's already on Facebook liking my recent post. 🤔

[figureitout23]

Oh I am. Not having sex anymore. Can't. I like him too much to do it.

 

So funny I never replied to his we will talk soon....an hour ago he's already on Facebook liking my recent post. 🤔

 

Is this a power play or are you serious about cutting things off? If you two are still in this push/pull tango, it's only going to be a matter of time until you fall back in or are miserable hoping he will eventually change his mind.

 

Use this as a learning lesson. Just like back in June. It's going to probably be in your best interest to not sleep with these men and to be very upfront about what you are looking for. As many have said, sex will not keep a man. In fact, I can't count the amount of times I have heard male friends claim they 'couldnt' take a woman seriously because she 'gave it up' too easily. I'm not saying they are right, in fact, I think that mindset is backwards and demeaning. Just... you seem to keep jumping in and giving that part of yourself away acting as though casual is enough for you when it's not. I've been there, after my divorce I swore up and down I didn't want to be in another serious relationship, I thought casual was the road I should be on, nope, it's not who I am, it took being treated like an option to realize that and while I still am not looking for a marriage or anything like that, if I'm dating someone, Im dating them. I don't want to play the games. I don't want to share or be the last minute choice.

 

Everyone's standards are different but the worst thing you can do to yourself is convince yourself someone else's standards are your own.

 

Maybe take some time to do some self reflection, figure out what it is you're looking for and let potential men know right off the bat. That way you don't have to play games in fear of getting hurt. Be open and honest. There are men out there who want what you want.

[Imjustagirl22]

Nah not a power play. Actually laughing because he thinks liking my posts are going to work? I know he won't change his mind and Is clearly emotionally unavailable. I have other options .

 

I am definitely learning through this all. Definitely agree I need to set my own standards not go by others. I really am starting to feel my feelings fade, and with no contact (I highly doubt he contacts me and I 💯 stand my ground I will not text him. Haven't even had the urge) and not seeing him...my feelings will fade. Along with the fact that he clearly doesn't feel the same so why waste my time? He does.nt have me now like he used to .

 

He' put no effort in and it just isn't enough for me. He probably honestly thinks I'm going to text him. No. Ain't gonna happen. I'm upset my feelings got mixed but, not desperate to text him at all and I'm proud of myself for that. Naturally it still hurts though.

 

I'm a good person, i have a very big heart. And I think i'll definitely make someone very happy one day! i'm an attractive, upbeat person. and i need to own that!

[1a1a]

For your own emotional sanity, you don't dive in head first into a pool that has a shallow bottom.

 

I Love that!!!

 

My head knows you are right but my hormones are argueing. Ahhhh, need more evidence to burn it with fire, which I shall undoubtedly accumulate over the coming week or so (sure as heck not going to dally longer than that on this one). (And to make a more active effort to date and find a cute boy who IS ready for a relationship, he must exist). It's really really helpful to have people outside of myself able to make objective calls on situations as they are presented, thank you ThatwasThen (even if I don't take the advice straight away I still appreciate it and still tuck it away for future reference/reminding. Like not settling for breadcrumbs, is a thing I've been chanting to myself, under my breath for the last 3 days and it's helping fade the crush).

 

I'mjustagirl, you rock!!!!

 

I was going to say, you and I are ready and present and open to loving people with all of ourselves, nothing selfishly held in reserve, and we might be attracted to people who aren't at that place. But that doesn't mean we deserve people who don't want to be all in (we totally deserve people who want to be all in!!!)

 

I'm completely underwhelmed at his reply (would have been nice to have the grand and romantic gesture). But it is valuable valuable information. And you certainly don't have to be friends right now, friends can be an in the future thing (which if you make no effort right now and neither does he, that will be good.) If you don't want to go thermo nuclear and delete him off facebook, when you make posts, to the left (on the PC) is a button probably labeled public, click it, it's a drop down menu, there's an option called "friends except". Hide your posts from this guy for now so he can't fish for your attention by liking them. If he wants to make a more serious effort to get in touch, he knows how to and you can facebook free of his ambiguous interest bumping the scab.

[Imjustagirl22]

I Love that!!!

 

My head knows you are right but my hormones are argueing. Ahhhh, need more evidence to burn it with fire, which I shall undoubtedly accumulate over the coming week or so (sure as heck not going to dally longer than that on this one). (And to make a more active effort to date and find a cute boy who IS ready for a relationship, he must exist). It's really really helpful to have people outside of myself able to make objective calls on situations as they are presented, thank you ThatwasThen (even if I don't take the advice straight away I still appreciate it and still tuck it away for future reference/reminding. Like not settling for breadcrumbs, is a thing I've been chanting to myself, under my breath for the last 3 days and it's helping fade the crush).

 

I'mjustagirl, you rock!!!!

 

I was going to say, you and I are ready and present and open to loving people with all of ourselves, nothing selfishly held in reserve, and we might be attracted to people who aren't at that place. But that doesn't mean we deserve people who don't want to be all in (we totally deserve people who want to be all in!!!)

 

I'm completely underwhelmed at his reply (would have been nice to have the grand and romantic gesture). But it is valuable valuable information. And you certainly don't have to be friends right now, friends can be an in the future thing (which if you make no effort right now and neither does he, that will be good.) If you don't want to go thermo nuclear and delete him off facebook, when you make posts, to the left (on the PC) is a button probably labeled public, click it, it's a drop down menu, there's an option called "friends except". Hide your posts from this guy for now so he can't fish for your attention by liking them. If he wants to make a more serious effort to get in touch, he knows how to and you can facebook free of his ambiguous interest bumping the scab.

 

lol i hear you, sounds like we tend to do similar things.

 

his response was def underwhelming. lol. i dont wanna delete him off FB yet, but i am def not focusing on him lol i actually have another guy ive been chatting with, and we plan on meeting soon. we actually talk on the phone and stuff too. he's cute, and def more available. but not really all 100% about him either.

 

and this guy is so funny, so since i didnt reply to him yesterday about "We will talk soon" [which i will not be replying to lmao...nothing to really say.] he went and liked my posts again last night, and again first thing this morning. and even went further...

 

i clicked interested on an event coming up, so he saw it of course and "liked" that i was interested. then commented on on it saying he had a telescope too [it an eclipse thing going on.] and then he put "interested" n the event too. why even comment that you had a telescope? lol ... sounds like fishing. i didnt even acknowledge it

[ThatwasThen]

i clicked interested on an event coming up, so he saw it of course and "liked" that i was interested. then commented on on it saying he had a telescope too [it an eclipse thing going on.] and then he put "interested" n the event too. why even comment that you had a telescope? lol ... sounds like fishing. i didnt even acknowledge it

I know you're doing well with this situation, Justagirl but I'm going to remind you that it was YOU that said that sex was off the table but you could still be friends so I suspect that he's just doing what any of your friends would do when their is common interest in something. Don't read more into his actions then face value.

 

Had you just told him outright that because you like him more then a platonic friend so friends of any kind won't work, he would likely not be doing anything on your fb page and he's likely be gone by now. Subjection of course, but makes sense, no?

[figureitout23]

and this guy is so funny, so since i didnt reply to him yesterday about "We will talk soon" [which i will not be replying to lmao...nothing to really say.] he went and liked my posts again last night, and again first thing this morning. and even went further...

 

i clicked interested on an event coming up, so he saw it of course and "liked" that i was interested. then commented on on it saying he had a telescope too [it an eclipse thing going on.] and then he put "interested" n the event too. why even comment that you had a telescope? lol ... sounds like fishing. i didnt even acknowledge it

 

I know you're doing well with this situation, Justagirl but I'm going to remind you that it was YOU that said that sex was off the table but you could still be friends so I suspect that he's just doing what any of your friends would do when their is common interest in something. Don't read more into his actions then face value.

 

Had you just told him outright that because you like him more then a platonic friend so friends of any kind won't work, he would likely not be doing anything on your fb page and he's likely be gone by now. Subjection of course, but makes sense, no?

 

I agree. This just reeks of hurt feelings and power plays. 'Look at him reaching out to me, L O L.'

 

I know people are probably sick and tired of me saying this on this board but you treat people how you want to be treated. You hated getting ignored didn't you? But it's funny when you do it to him? That's game playing, you two are still doing the push/pull.

 

He's not in the 'wrong' here because he told you upfront. It would be different if he led you on but he didn't. He told you his terms and you chose to go forward. You cant blame the fire for burning you. You were both playing games unfortunately.

 

I do think it's best to move forward because he is not willing or ready to give you what you want but you don't have to punish him for it. He thinks you two are still in the tango that before you were a willing participant in. I don't have any advise on what to say to him, if anything, but I have a strong feeling you're not taking anything away from these expiereinces. Go back and read your other post, it went the EXACT same way. To me, that's something to look into.

[Imjustagirl22]

Maybe a little bit. I am frustrated.

 

I asked him his intentions before and he acted different, he said he didnt know but he loved spending time with me, and i was beautiful etc. he treated me like his girlfriend for a little bit there, and once he saw how much i enjoyed it he pulled back. we had something more than just sexual going on there. and that to me is why he doesnt want to just drop me.

 

and the facebook things to me are just funny bc HE ONLY does it when i pull away, so essentially it is a game, and i guess apparently im playing it. im not really even saying anything to him, of course i'm hurt. guess its kinda immature to try to play something back. he has NEVER treated me as just a "friend" so to me, i just dont KNOW how that is going to happen. hence why i told him i need to distance myself for awhile, just for him to wake up and comment on my stuff first thing in the morning, of course it kinda gets to me. and to be honest, hes gotta know that.

 

I never said it was all his fault. In the beginning he DID lead me on until I get the balls to ask him where this was going. Then once i figured that you're right, i shouldve left. and i didnt, i couldnt get enough of his company.

 

I dont expect to ever be romantic with him again but i dont want him fking with my head, but dont wanna lose him as a friend. So how is there any winning in that

[Imjustagirl22]

this dude just 2 weeks ago was telling me how great i am, how much he wants to look into my eyes......and other stuff.

 

just kinda hurts still to say that stuff to me, and just to turn it around.

[ThatwasThen]

He is NOT your friend and he is only in this to work his way back into your pants. You are just not getting it...

 

You cannot keep your emotions out of it so don't even try to be platonic. Bite the bullet and banish him from your facebook.

 

Just how did he treat you like a girlfriend?

[Imjustagirl22]

He is NOT your friend and he is only in this to work his way back into your pants. You are just not getting it...

 

You cannot keep your emotions out of it so don't even try to be platonic. Bite the bullet and banish him from your facebook.

 

Just how did he treat you like a girlfriend?

 

Just when we were together he treated me like a GF and for awhile, even after i left. was definitely pursuing the crap out of me. Then he stopped. and I know why, i'm not dumb.

 

I get it, but part of me still cares, hence why i probably just need to do that. Bc he is going to mess with me when he feels like it. He'll eventually get to a point where he feels like he wants to sleep with me / kiss me, etc and that's when i know he will pop up

[Imjustagirl22]

im far from dumb i just dont listen to myself lol. i really am backing off though, and tbh i dont think he will contact me which is a good thing.

 

he thinks he has me wrapped around his finger and that i'll message him [i normally do] but im not anymore

[ThatwasThen]

Just when we were together he treated me like a GF and for awhile,

This is what I want to know... How did he treat you like a girlfriend? Did he date you, take you out, do things with you, introduce you to friends or family, go out with you with his friends? Showed you without a doubt that he valued you for more then an orgasm and some small talk?

 

If all he did was meet up at your place or his and have sex with you and cuddle, that is not treating you like a girlfriend. So, did he do anything with you that would indicate that he was dating you or did he just do things that people who are having casual sex do (booty calls with a bit of conversation thrown in and perhaps the odd Netflix share)

[boltnrun]

Treating you like a girlfriend:

 

Taking you out on dates in public places (taking you, not meeting up with you).

Introducing you to friends/family as "this is my girlfriend Justagirl".

Including you when he's invited to or attending events.

Calling you his girlfriend (not "babe").

 

I do have to agree with him, a man who hasn't even finalized his divorce often is NOT ready to leap into another committed relationship. No matter how beautiful or sexy he thinks you are.

[Imjustagirl22]

ok well that sucks for me, yep you're right...

..........i kinda wanna try to be friends, but i dont think that'll work? he must not really care about me anyways..he would've called me by now so talk to me about things, and truly discuss a few things, in my opinion. we do have good convos, and we have fun together, but not sure i can stop myself from wanting more, or at least at first.

 

like i said, i have plenty of other options, but i did end up liking him, so i'm sure i'll get over it.

[boltnrun]

You do realize if you're "friends", he'll probably tell you about the other women he's sleeping with.

 

He may, sooner than you might think, meet someone he DOES want to be his girlfriend (not a slam on you, things just sometimes work out that way). As his "friend" are you willing to have a front row seat to his new relationship and girlfriend?

[Imjustagirl22]

You do realize if you're "friends", he'll probably tell you about the other women he's sleeping with.

 

He may, sooner than you might think, meet someone he DOES want to be his girlfriend (not a slam on you, things just sometimes work out that way). As his "friend" are you willing to have a front row seat to his new relationship and girlfriend?

 

Oh wow. That I'm not so sure about. 😕

 

It would've been easier on me had it just been rude about it and not wanted to be friends.

[ThatwasThen]

Oh wow. That I'm not so sure about. 😕

 

It would've been easier on me had it just been rude about it and not wanted to be friends.

Actually, it would have been easier on you if you asked him if he wanted more then friends because you do and if he said no then you told him not to contact you again.

[Imjustagirl22]

Well can't argue with that either.

 

😳 Doesn't change how frustrating it is tho and still hurts. I mean I've been talking to another guy (keeping my options open) and I never feel like I'm bugging him, we actually talk on the phone, and he tells me how excited he is to meet up. I talked to the guy I really like ...like three times on the phone in over 6 weeks. Weeks back when I first asked his I intentions that was the first time I got a call🤔

[ThatwasThen]

This new guy, if he's actually worth having, is going to figure it out quickly that you're still hung up on someone else and the chances are high that you're not going to see the beauty in him as a potential partner because you STILL ARE hung up on your F-buddy.

 

Try to get yourself in a better frame of mind. Accept and actually believe that you are disappointed but you're not heart broken and with zero contact, you'll be over your disappointment in no time at all. Take your time with anyone new and don't have sex with them until there has been a good bit of bonding and he has formed some semblance of an emotional connection with you.

 

Remember what valuable advice you've gotten here in your thread and apply it to your next adventure in dating. Have an attitude that you will Accept only being treated like a girlfriend and if he can't be bothered to do that, then neither can you so you'll "give him the air" which is what my mother used to say to do to a guy that isn't showing you he values you. (it means don't see him again

[Imjustagirl22]

This new guy, if he's actually worth having, is going to figure it out quickly that you're still hung up on someone else and the chances are high that you're not going to see the beauty in him as a potential partner because you STILL ARE hung up on your F-buddy.

 

Try to get yourself in a better frame of mind. Accept and actually believe that you are disappointed but you're not heart broken and with zero contact, you'll be over your disappointment in no time at all. Take your time with anyone new and don't have sex with them until there has been a good bit of bonding and he has formed some semblance of an emotional connection with you.

 

Remember what valuable advice you've gotten here in your thread and apply it to your next adventure in dating. Have an attitude that you will Accept only being treated like a girlfriend and if he can't be bothered to do that, then neither can you so you'll "give him the air" which is what my mother used to say to do to a guy that isn't showing you he values you. (it means don't see him again

 

I know, i am still hung up on him. This new guy seems pretty nice, we get along quite nicely, and we should be meeting up soon. i've already told this guy straight up i'm not looking for any netflix & chill / booty call / hookup kinda thing. And he agreed he wasn't lookng for that either. [so we shall see if he actually means...that lol] actually asks about my day, and none of our convo is sexual....at all.

 

i am definitely done with rushing sex, bc it just isn't worth it for me anymore. i kinda called it, a few weeks back i told my best friend "Watch, I'm going to get hurt by continuing to see this guy, just wait."

 

I suck at dating. I've never dated in my life. My X was my first real bf and it was a really bad relationship. He never took me on dates really either, from beginning to end. So that's how i was treated.

 

So when a guy shows me interest, and spends some kind of time with me, and listens to me...i go for those things. i've never ever had them before. I don't think i've ever been taken on a real date

[Imjustagirl22]

Ooookaaaaaay. I shouldnt have even looked. But went through his facebook pics [i guess i didnt ever get around to that. lol]

 

 

But.....................wowwwwwwwwwww. Oh wow. Looks like these two were literally just together on vacation [his future X wife] in JUNE. I didnt think it was that RECENT! No wonder he is IN NO POSITION for a relationship.

 

Douchebag. he had said they went to mexico to fix things, even with her cheating, but it didnt work. Think about it, I met him less than a MONTH after this. These pictures he has his arms around her, plenty of pictures of her.

 

He had even made comments to me about how i was a middle child [like her], and had his X wifes first name as my middle name......like he was comparing me to her. maybe in some way i reminded him of her? But he clearly still loves her, though he denys it.

 

I get it now. hes hurt bc she cheated multiple times, and he really loved her. but she crushed him [and i know the feeling, no wonder we connected. 2 hurt people.] I know how he feels too, he probably isnt sure what he wants anymore. [ i was there, but i had enough of getting treated like ASS! so i am not there anymore, i dont want my X back. he hurt me very badly. but i know exactly how he feels].

 

And actually, theyre still friends on FB, she stll comments on his stuff, etc. She had found out that we went out one night, and he said she got all upset and jealous. O my god, i feel even more hurt now and stupid.

 

So so so so so so stupid. Really, literally 2 months ago, you had your arms around her. And in the beginning, i really truly feel like he put a lot of pursuing into me. Maybe to feel that same comfort and certian something he felt with her. [bc i miss that feeling too. esp after a long relationship] But i probably didnt give him that. Because i cant, and never will be able to.

 

She still gets jealous of him going out - red flag #1

He mentioned she asked why his friends list was private, so he screen shotted that hers was too and thats why he did - red flag #2

He blew me off one day said he was busy painting [then i got upset, so he re-invited me over] come to find out, earlier that day...they spent the day together signing over their accounts, and other stuff - red flag #3

He mentioned that he still monitors her spending because they have 1 account left she pulls out of, and how she spends all her money on her new boyfriend - red flag #4

 

Good god what did i do to myself?

[1a1a]

Gave connection with a cool person a chance. Acknowledged red flags when you saw them. Aborted being interested in him. Pretty ok really, that is what dating is, trying out people to see if they fit (of course, the likelihood of it needing to be aborted increases hundred fold when the person is saying from the start 'I'm not ready' )

 

You were attracted to this guy for a reason, something missing from your life that he represents, can you pin point that and say ok, it didn't go anywhere but now I know this thing about myself and that's good.

[1a1a]

Leaving the space, seeing the silence, knowing I will be 100% less bothered by it if I don't want anything from him. Just keeping that thought in my head.