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"Friend zoned" after sex

Imjustagirl222

By Imjustagirl222
in Sex and Romance

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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Okay true.

 

The thing was is that I wanted the sex though, he's good in bed so i was enjoying it. But I started feeling like I wanted more, and I didn't want to get hurt by wanting more than he wanted. I have no idea why he is keeping me around as a friend though.

Because you're putting out without giving him a hard time about commitment, that's why.

 

I think you'd do well to stop dating until you are confident enough to not sleep with a guy in hopes it will garner you a relationship. Right now, you are having sex because you think it will lead you to something substantial... that is why you were not cognizant enough to tell him to hit you up when he's actually divorced. He's your 'friend' because you do him. If you stop doing him and ask to be taken out to dinner or a show or something, I think he'll start to fade on you because you're trying to make it real.

 

im thinking im some level of comfort for this guy. he is separated feeling a lot of things, and will come to me to kinda vent to me about it when i vent to him. so maybe i'm some type of crutch when he needs me.
Of course you are... you're a sexual crutch who doesn't give him a hard time about commitment... I'm sure he's searching out others just like you.

 

If you're going to continue on having sex with your 'friend' then may I suggest you do the mental work you need to do to accept that you cannot become emotionally attached to him, to make sure you are exercising your own dating options. You might want to turn him down for booty calls by being busy with other men that want to actually form a relationship with someone. He is not ready for that you will end up crushing your own heart if you continue on with him in the status quo.

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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Sorry... adding to my above post:

and i guess i continue dating until i meet someone who wants to be with me if thats what i decide to want

Unless you can actually just enjoy the sex and not have any expectations or feelings for this guy... you will NEVER find anyone that you want to be with never mind them wanting to be with you. You will not be free in mind and heart to actually connect to any new person when you have addicted yourself to your f-buddy.

 

Hence why I say you should quit the game your playing with yourself, get him out of your life altogether and when you're indifferent to him... then put yourself out there again. Odds are very high that you are going to shred your own heart by continuing on in this FWB dynamic.

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Imjustagirl22 Contributor

Imjustagirl22

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[/b] Because you're putting out without giving him a hard time about commitment, that's why.

 

I think you'd do well to stop dating until you are confident enough to not sleep with a guy in hopes it will garner you a relationship. Right now, you are having sex because you think it will lead you to something substantial... that is why you were not cognizant enough to tell him to hit you up when he's actually divorced. He's your 'friend' because you do him. If you stop doing him and ask to be taken out to dinner or a show or something, I think he'll start to fade on you because you're trying to make it real.

 

Of course you are... you're a sexual crutch who doesn't give him a hard time about commitment... I'm sure he's searching out others just like you.

 

If you're going to continue on having sex with your 'friend' then may I suggest you do the mental work you need to do to accept that you cannot become emotionally attached to him, to make sure you are exercising your own dating options. You might want to turn him down for booty calls by being busy with other men that want to actually form a relationship with someone. He is not ready for that you will end up crushing your own heart if you continue on with him in the status quo.

 

Yep you're right. And now he has figured out he doesn't even have to go out in public with me anymore [though we only went out a few times to the bar, my suggestions though]. I am definitely not stupid, but I'm allowing him to use me when in reality I am NOT using him. I like him, and being around him. You're right, I am lying to myself and everyone else when I say I'm not hoping for something.

 

So if i'm being open and vulnerable here...So I feel like ok if i cut it off, I won't get to be around him anymore. That's the fear. Because like you said, why else would he keep me around? I need to STOP putting others wants / needs before mine.

 

I am too much of a people pleaser who doesn't think about her own feelings. Forget that. I'm already feeling hurt with his pull away [going from talking to me all the time to nothing]. I cant do this. He has a hold of me and has to know it, and that's why he backs off. He knows I'll still hang around, and try to contact him because I like him.

 

I really dont wanna be friends with benefits if he isnt going to actually hangout with me, bc technically right now i feel more like a booty call. That just isn't going to work. Maybe if we were going to actually BE FRIENDS, and do friend stuff (like doesnt have to be us two alone~), but i dont even honestly think that is going to happen.

 

So, how do I say that to him in a good way? And when I say good way..i mean a non-clingy, and confident way. I don;t want to come off as this needy girl anymore..

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Imjustagirl22 Contributor

Imjustagirl22

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What If I said this:

 

"Hey Josh, so to be honest I can't do this friends with benefits or more like booty call situation. You're a great guy, your wife is lucky. And I like you to be honest, and obviously you know that. And it's too tough for me to sleep with you when I like you. I don't want to just sleep with you, I actually want to spend time with you. And you're not in a position for me to like you, and the feelings aren't mutual. I respect that, and at the same time I respect my own self. I'm also a good person, and so i have to care for my own feelings. At this point, the only thing that is going to probably work is possible friends with no sex, or nothing at all.

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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He has a hold of me and has to know it, and that's why he backs off.
Yes... he fades when he sees you're taking things too seriously... he comes back when you initiate (I'll assume) because then he goes in with a clear conscience because it was your choice. He has, after all, been very clear with his words and his actions that he doesn't want commitment but he's love to be "your friend" His definition of 'friend' does not include having to entertain you in any way other then he already has been.

 

His 'hold' on you is like any drug (from oxytocin chemicals being released during sex) that you will go through withdrawl from when you finally SEE and you call an end to it. However: The good news is, with time and through zero contact rehab, you will get to the stage of indifference to him and you'll be open in heart and mind to meet others until you find a good man that treats you well. You will go on being all that more dating savvy and cognizant of your needs so that you quickly chuck guys who don't want what you want. Be ready to figure out what you want and set it as a goal so you don't let any other guy screw you first and then tell you his just wants 'friends' after the deed.

 

I suggest you wait until he initiates a hookup again and instead of going to bed with him when he gets there, just tell him outright that you've developed a desire to be more then f-buddies and if he isn't on the same page then you'll need to stop seeing one another. done and done.

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Imjustagirl22 Contributor

Imjustagirl22

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Does my text sound ok? The one i posted above

 

---> Hey Josh, so to be honest I can't do this friends with benefits or more like booty call situation. You're a great guy, your wife is lucky. And I like you to be honest, and obviously you know that. And it's too tough for me to sleep with you when I like you. I don't want to just sleep with you, I actually want to spend time with you. And you're not in a position for me to like you, and the feelings aren't mutual. I respect that, and at the same time I respect my own self. I'm also a good person, and so i have to care for my own feelings. At this point, the only thing that is going to probably work is possible friends with no sex, or nothing at all.

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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Not even going to wait until he initiates a hook up. I am going to let him know through text. Super not personal, but to be honest I dont think he cares at this point and obviously there is NOTHING personal about us two

 

Even better still.

 

You go gurl. Always feel free to vent here if you're feeling weak and want to contact him after you send that text. We will kick ur *** so you don't do it.

 

P.S. I'd not go into all that detail. I'd just state that you are looking for more then what he appears to be willing to give so you're ending the 'friendship.' However; what you do say is entirely up to you... just keep it simple.

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Imjustagirl22 Contributor

Imjustagirl22

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Even better still.

 

You go gurl. Always feel free to vent here if you're feeling weak and want to contact him after you send that text. We will kick ur *** so you don't do it.

 

lol GOOD please do. I'll try to post here. I dont wanna look / feel pathetic anymore. I'm an attractive, fun person who doesn't deserve that. To be honest, I am betting on him not replying at all...which is even BETTER for me lol

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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Actually proud of myself for being able to do this. It's a step.

 

I know i'm an easy person to walk over, it's something I am working on. But for me cutting someone off is hard to do, but I'm doing this. I got this.

Glad you're taking back your personal power from his hands. Keep up that attitude.

Did you already send the text then?

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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Yeah he replied like right away with problem, then friends it is

 

no, no, no... You do not want to be friends with someone you want to be your boyfriend. That is a recipe for disaster to the nth degree. Text him back and tell him "sorry, can't be friends with someone I want to be more with." You cannot stop smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette.

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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Adding: I guess you missed my edit when I told you to keep your text simple.

 

I surely hope you don't have this attitude which goes against looking after your own emotional interests for the sake of having someone pay you a little attention I'm about to dance the same dance (attracted to me, not interested in dating, working on himself, dammit I'm attracted to him!! Doesn't mean I want to date him although I sure would like to date someone at some point, but I'm definitely keen on getting intimate and I expect it will go much the same way it has with you and your boy.) For your own emotional sanity, you don't dive in head first into a pool that has a shallow bottom.

 

Just let it fade now.

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Imjustagirl22 Contributor

Imjustagirl22

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For what? Not wanting to give you what you want?

 

 

he said he's really sorry, and thats he isnt ready for a relationship [like he told me and i didnt listen]. I told him gotcha, well i wish you the best.

 

and he says "we will talk soon" ...? not sure what the hell that means im not even replying

 

its hard because he is a nice guy. and i knew he wasnt looking to be with anyone, it wasnt all hs fault. my own too.

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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If he's really this "nice guy" you say he is then he won't contact you. He knows you have feelings for him and to contact you when he can't give you what you want is selfish and self-serving.

 

To stay platonic friends and to continue chatting with you will just keep you stagnated from moving on in heart and mind so that you can connect with someone new.

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

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O.O... I'm hoping it means to have had him in her life and certainly not that he is still with her. *waits to hear from 'Justagirl'*

 

So, has this been an affair?

 

That would be a completely different situation. OP, do you want to clarify what you meant by "your wife is lucky"?

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Imjustagirl22 Contributor

Imjustagirl22

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If he's really this "nice guy" you say he is then he won't contact you. He knows you have feelings for him and to contact you when he can't give you what you want is selfish and self-serving.

 

To stay platonic friends and to continue chatting with you will just keep you stagnated from moving on in heart and mind so that you can connect with someone new.

 

Yeah I am not contacting him anymore. And I hope he doesn't contact me

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