RuedeRivoli Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Hi all, A few months ago, I met a guy shortly after I was ghosted by another guy I had been dating. I subsequently found out he's 4 years younger and still in college (doing his undergrad), living at his parents. I'm 26 and no longer in college. I'm fine with being single to be honest, because I can focus on my own progression without having any distraction. Then, I also found out half of his friends are also my ex's friends as they are from the same country/city. My ex was also three years younger and they run in the same circles. Now, my ex moved back to his home country/city, so it's not like he had anything to do with this. This guy asked me out, I said maybe some time. He's been chasing ever since. I shut down my FB profile for a few weeks for various reasons, within 5 minutes of me reactivating it, he sent me a message. Then, he kept asking about us seeing each other because he heard about my trip to his city (we don't live in the same country). In all fairness, I'm very lukewarm about this individual due to the aforementioned reasons. He also follows around 1,000 girls on instagram (the 'insta' model type) which to be fair, makes me think he's just desperate. Part of me thinks I shouldn't even bother. For some reason, I'm slightly reluctant. What do you guys reckon I do? Link to comment
glitterfingers Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 What do I reckon? Why are you, a grown woman with soooo many options and possibilities before her, wasting your time running around with little boys? You can do better. I hope you choose to value yourself a bit more highly. I'd be aiming for someone the same age or a few years older, who's on a similar path (wants to grow, travel and develop into a young adult). Even if you don't have a relationship, you can make some friends and learn from people who actually have something of value to offer you! Link to comment
RuedeRivoli Posted July 30, 2017 Author Share Posted July 30, 2017 What do I reckon? Why are you, a grown woman with soooo many options and possibilities before her, wasting your time running around with little boys? You can do better. I hope you choose to value yourself a bit more highly. I'd be aiming for someone the same age or a few years older, who's on a similar path (wants to grow, travel and develop into a young adult). Even if you don't have a relationship, you can make some friends and learn from people who actually have something of value to offer you! This is exactly what my brain has been telling me. I just don't like to reject people. However, the truth is exactly the above mentioned. He's still a "boy". I'm a grown woman. I do not think this is what I need at this stage of my life. I dated someone younger one time, that is enough. 4 years is too much of a gap. Link to comment
glitterfingers Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 This is exactly what my brain has been telling me. I just don't like to reject people. However, the truth is exactly the above mentioned. He's still a "boy". I'm a grown woman. I do not think this is what I need at this stage of my life. I dated someone younger one time, that is enough. 4 years is too much of a gap. I usually don't reject people, I just ignore them or respond very infrequently, as well as make it known that I'm too tied up with other things to spare them much thought. People usually go away if you stop caring about them and act accordingly. The ones who don't are cause for concern, but most people do Link to comment
Wolfshook Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 This is exactly what my brain has been telling me. I just don't like to reject people. However, the truth is exactly the above mentioned. He's still a "boy". I'm a grown woman. I do not think this is what I need at this stage of my life. I dated someone younger one time, that is enough. 4 years is too much of a gap. Why does everybody think of rejection as something bad? Rejection is great tool to inform the other person that you are not interested,saving you both time and frustration. There is nothing bad in saying "sorry, but I'm not interested,you are too young for me". At least it's way better than dragging on and giving people false hope. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 You seem to have mostly disdain for him and part of you enjoys the attention of what you call "chasing". As far as being able to "progress without distraction" well that's one way to look at it -another way is to look at progression within a healthy relationship so that rather than being a distraction you learn so much more about yourself from how you interact with another person where there is mutual respect and caring. Dating someone who you see as "chasing" you and "desperate" and who you see as "lukewarm" would be a distraction to "progressing" as a person because settling and dating someone just to date is inconsistent with "progressing" as a person if by progressing you mean being an (even) more thoughtful, considerate, compassionate and mature person. If you meant something else by progression that might change my reaction. You would not be rejecting him - you would simply be telling him no to his offer as a date and perhaps that you don't think you're a good match generally. I don't think you have any issue with rejecting people but you have an issue with being direct -which requires both assertiveness with a measure of tact - not always easy - and giving up the benefit of having some puppy dog follow you around chasing you to come and play. If you truly were focused on progressing as a person you would not want the distraction of unwanted attention. Part of you wants it - figuring out why and figuring out beyond "because I don't like rejecting" might help you progress as a person. Link to comment
TulipTrees Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Please don't be passive when dating or you will continue to end up in bad relationships. Sit down and write down exactly what you want in a partner. Is this guy close to being that? If not, just pass on him the same way you'd pass on anything else that isn't really what you want and need. This guy is too young, in a different life phase, not out of school, and you don't like him much. Why bother with him, just wasting time? Learning how to say no graciously is part of being an adult. Next time he contacts you, tell him you know you are not right for each other so he needs to turn his attention elsewhere. Wish him good luck in finding the right girl for hmself, then block him and cut off contact. Spend your time looking for the right person not messing around with ones who are not right for you. Focus on exactly what you need and weed out anyone who isn't a good fit. Link to comment
TulipTrees Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Btw I hate to say this but some people who are students in a foreign country are just looking to sow their wild oats away from home, then when they're done with school go home and marry a nice girl of their same religion and culture at home. This guy already knows you took up with a young guy from his country and your ex may have talked about you so this guy is looking for an easy mark and someone who will sleep with him until he needs to go home. Don't fall for that. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Btw I hate to say this but some people who are students in a foreign country are just looking to sow their wild oats away from home, then when they're done with school go home and marry a nice girl of their same religion and culture at home. This guy already knows you took up with a young guy from his country and your ex may have talked about you so this guy is looking for an easy mark and someone who will sleep with him until he needs to go home. Don't fall for that. Some people do lots of things - and to me that's not a way to live. Certainly it matters if someone is only in a place temporarily as far as whether to get involved. I wouldn't make assumptions or speculate about this person especially since it's just her information based on him asking her out on dates. What we do know is her attitude and her feelings about this person so that's probably the better way to evaluate the situation Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 What do I reckon? Why are you, a grown woman with soooo many options and possibilities before her, wasting your time running around with little boys? You can do better. I hope you choose to value yourself a bit more highly. I'd be aiming for someone the same age or a few years older, who's on a similar path (wants to grow, travel and develop into a young adult). Even if you don't have a relationship, you can make some friends and learn from people who actually have something of value to offer you! I agree^^^^^^^^ He doesn't even live in the same country and still lives with his parents. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Why does everybody think of rejection as something bad? Rejection is great tool to inform the other person that you are not interested,saving you both time and frustration. There is nothing bad in saying "sorry, but I'm not interested,you are too young for me". At least it's way better than dragging on and giving people false hope. I agree. I would rather be told the truth, than be ghosted. How did you feel when your ex ghosted you, OP? Link to comment
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